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12 April 2008 @ 09:09 pm
The deed, it is done.  
My four sweet little rats are gone now. :(

It was hard. Really hard. Everyone was super sympathetic and man, I felt sorry for them, because watching bereaved people part with their pets is part of their jobs every day. I was really relieved that the vet reassured me a few times that I made the right and humane choice. Everyone thought it was particularly crappy that I had to put down four of my pets in one day, but seriously, I'd rather do this once than four times over the next few weeks.

The hardest part was watching Jadzia, because she knew. She acted totally different than she ever had before, and she was pretty freaking pissed off at me. That was hard because it totally felt like she was saying "No! Don't want to!" and... well. I held her after she got her shot, kind of explaining my intentions and asking her forgiveness, and I could feel a pulse in her long after the vet said she was gone. The pulse was mine, in my fingers, but it was a totally surreal experience to feel her heartbeat slow and sort of fade into mine.

Ezri was done. Poor thing had lost so much blood that she was already cold. The vet offered some possible treatments, but she was really ready to go and I knew either way she wouldn't make it through the night. We had good goodbyes. She has always been very trusting.

Emony had no idea what was going on, though she was definitely aware that Jadzia was all whipped up in a frenzy. Curious little thing was excited to be in a new place. She was never sick, just immobilized by crazy tumors longer than her little arms. Man, it's not cool that rats get so many cancerous things.

Zek, oh my gosh, I will miss him. He's such a love. He was all perturbed at being in a new place, but kept wanting his face rubbed, and he feels and looks and acts so much like Porthos (his dad, my late favorite rat) that it was a little overwhelming. I, um, cried a lot, because he was doing his I-love-you-please-snuggle-me head-thing until the drugs knocked him out, and I did a bit of energy-balancing, and it all felt kind of unfair. Poor little guy! I've been pulling for him since he was about ten seconds old, and here was the end of the road. He seemed so happy and chill (he was always the surfer-dude of rats) and somehow that made it much harder to resist tears than everything else.

So yes, then it was over. A lady I'd never met before came in and hugged me and helped me carry the now-empty cages to the car (which would have been much more traumatic if these cages weren't just transport and hospital cages, so they're usually empty). Then I went to the supermarket to buy bleach to disinfect everything lest Ezri's spontaneous blood loss is contagious somehow, and went to PetSmart to buy new unbloody hammocks and comfy-cubes and some cool wooden ladder toys meant for birds so the remaining rats have something new to play with.

I'm sad these little guys are out of my life. I'm glad it's over, though - the suffering and worry. I'm not glad that I have 22 more rats at home, and that means that I'm going to have to go through all of this again someday (and it scares the hell out of me because Little Dot Matrix has a small tumor now, and nooooooo, this has to stop!).

I read your comments to my last post on my iphone while I was waiting for them to give them shots. Thanks, guys. :)
 
 
feel: sadsad
 
 
 
Rafiki, the crazy baboon: *hug*irony_rocks on April 13th, 2008 04:59 am (UTC)
*hugs*

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Your rats were loved in life. At least they had you before they left.
Lanna: Sad Puppylanna_kitty on April 13th, 2008 05:02 am (UTC)
*hugs you*
Havochavocthecat on April 13th, 2008 05:06 am (UTC)
*massive hugs* Oh, hon, I'm so sorry! I know you love your rats, and they all sound like such dolls. I wish this didn't have to happen.
(Deleted comment)
entertaining in a disturbing way: Zivalyssie on April 13th, 2008 05:19 am (UTC)
*snugs* Losing a pet is never easy. :/
One Whose Honesty is Stronger Than Her Fear: griefamilyn on April 13th, 2008 05:56 am (UTC)
I really believe you did the right thing and I'm glad you were able to have the moments with each of them and the time to say goodbye and balance and smooth their paths.

*hugs*
MegTDJ: House Chase Cry - awakencordymeg_tdj on April 13th, 2008 06:19 am (UTC)
Ohhhh, honey... *snuggles* I'm so sorry. :(

It really is better to put them peacefully to sleep, though. I'm still not over watching Ramsey slowly get weaker and sicker like she did. That's probably not much of a comfort, though, so... *more snuggles*
mysticalweather: H: (brennamount) Steve the Ratmysticalweather on April 13th, 2008 06:26 am (UTC)
Awww, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

*hugs you lots*

~Misty
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a universal sigh: SGA - Ronon & Rodney - manhug!!naushika on April 13th, 2008 07:02 am (UTC)
*big hugs*
Sarah (aka Smish): {tv} [Waterloo Rd] Rachel tearssmishpixie on April 13th, 2008 08:25 am (UTC)
Awww. Sad, but the best thing for them.

*more hugs*
Lindsay: Damages - patty at deskbabylil on April 13th, 2008 09:54 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm sorry :(
Fallon Ash: army wives safefallon_ash on April 13th, 2008 10:32 am (UTC)
*hugs*

I'm so sorry.
Andy: flower_black/whiteankareeda on April 13th, 2008 12:28 pm (UTC)
*hugs you tightly* I'm really sorry.
Kim's Watermelon Gunkeenween on April 13th, 2008 01:20 pm (UTC)
*hug until you tell me you're done being hugged*
Lisa Yaeger: holdon: toasteronfirelisayaeger on April 13th, 2008 01:43 pm (UTC)
Nothing to say that will help, but sending lots of love and good thoughts your way. *HUGS*
pellucid: Doggett/Reyes hugpellucid on April 13th, 2008 01:58 pm (UTC)
*massive numbers of hugs*
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espirkespirk on April 13th, 2008 06:10 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for the loss of your pets.

Reading your retelling of what happened got me thinking about our beloved german shepherd Jade again, and the feeling of utter helplessness.

I am thankful you were there with your rats up to the end. I am thinking of you.
~mommy monster~: Roman & Maggiemomm2five on April 14th, 2008 08:38 pm (UTC)
Hello, just wondering about your Jade. We had to make this decision for our GSD 7 months ago today. He had degenerative myelopathy and it was absolutely horrible. He was only 9.5 and one of my babies. We have 5 kids and we're still not ok. (((hugs))) to you - Shepherds are definitely one of a kind dogs.
Human Collaborator Flunkie Pool!fic Muse: Sam - silence (by jr_moon)joyfulfeather on April 13th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
*HUGS* I am so, so sorry you had to go through that. :( Losing a pet hurts so much; losing four at once is something you just shouldn't have to go through.
Nike: Hugnikej on April 13th, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, I know it must have been really tough so *huge hugs*.
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Trialia: [BSG/Mary] Do Not Wanttrialia on April 14th, 2008 03:38 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, love. D: *hugs muchly*
~mommy monster~: e/ohugmomm2five on April 14th, 2008 08:34 pm (UTC)
((((((((hugs))))))))
I'm glad you shared this. It's really comforting to know that you're not alone when you go through having to make this decision. I agree, I wouldn't want to be the people who watch that happen everyday. I'd be a wreck. The vet & techs that took care of Roman were very upset when we took him in, too. It's the shittiest thing in the world, IMO.

**hugsyoutightagain**
rogue equestrian: SGA:: Rodney quiet sadelvinborn on April 15th, 2008 03:33 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
poor little rats! poor littlered! I'm not sure I would make it through having to put 4 pets to sleep at one time. wow.