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31 January 2011 @ 11:38 pm
Holodeckathalon: Because Holograms Can't Get You Pregnant*  
*unless you are B'Elanna that one time with the Nazis.

Two things happened to me on my trip to Fred Meyer:

1) I lost my medical benefits flex card.

2) I saw How William Shatner Changed the World, Starring William Shatner, Based on the Book by William Shatner or: the most Shatner you can get for $12.99. (Then I didn't buy it, because it's also the most Shatner I can get for $2.99 on Amazon.)

Since I'm already mourning my freedom to purchase prescription medications with pre-tax funds and my standing in the William Shatner Fan Club by not immediately purchasing and watching that movie, I think it's time to play a final dirge for the holodeckathalon!

Voyager, Season 7:

"Flesh and Blood"

A Bajoran, Human, Cardassian and Borg walk into a holographic bar...

Remember that time Janeway gave a Hirogen a holodeck-generating computer to hang on his bulkhead as a war trophy? No? Well, APPARENTLY the Prime Directive or whatever the hell that thing was that Season One Janeway always nattered on about (something about not giving aliens technology that would radically alter their civilization?) would have been a good idea for Season Four Janeway to follow, because the Hirogen created a bunch of super-smart holograms that are now waging a holy war against the "organics" who "enslave" "men of light." Let's be clear: the Hirogen are big jerks who seriously get off on torturing other beings, and they designed these holograms to not only be sentient, self-aware beings, but also to feel heightened amounts of pain and fear. So the holograms are more than a little justified in their desire to escape and exact a little revenge. The Hirogen tell Voyager to back off their hunt, despite the fact that the holograms are beating the snot out of the hunters. Chakotay, Tuvok and I all feel that Janeway should just fly off toward the Alpha Quadrant, content to let the holograms and the Hirogen solve our problems by killing each other. Season Seven Janeway does not choose this course of action.

She's got an airlock with your name alllllll over it, pal.

Janeway ends up deciding to take on the Hirogen and the SS Holoship. The Doctor decides that she's being lifeformist and defects to the holograms, and then immediately regrets it when the holograms kidnap B'Elanna. Everyone behaves, if not sanely, at least within the bounds of insanity that we have normally come to expect from them, and I happen to like the Hirogen, so I cheered to see them again. And B'Elanna's new holographic Cardassian bestie is awesome! They were doing so well until the episode went off the rails a little bit toward the end, and you know that happens because the Doctor shows up with THIS FUCKING GUN:

Go ahead. Make my day.

It possibly took me longer to select that caption from a list of about twelve thousand possible jokes than it took to write the entire rest of this post.

"Human Error"

Hologram Chakotay: like regular Chakotay, except getting some.

Taking after Janeway, Seven of Nine decides to check out a holographic boyfriend from the ship's library. To further assimilate the captain's personal life (see what I did there?), she chooses Chakotay as the object of her affection. Taking after Reginald Barclay, Seven shirks her duty shifts, social engagements and sleeping habits to hide out in the holodeck with a fictional version of the crew who all think she's cool. Girlfriend, we need to have a serious conversation about role models.

Seven, I am disappoint.

That being said, she does seem to be the first person ever to realize that tromping around the ship in replicated costumes for holoprograms is ridiculous and programmed her changes of appearance right into the holoprogram, so Seven is still smarter than everyone.

Now, about three of you are going to disown me for saying this (grav_ity may actually summarily defriend me, and then refriend me just so she can defriend me a second time), but I like this episode and think it was well done. I mean, clearly it was a Sweeps Month ratings grab - Jeri Ryan's exposed cleavage paved the way for the one time I managed to collect a bunch of friends from my freshman dorm to watch Star Trek. Jeri Ryan and Bob Picardo are great, and I'm sure it was nice for Robert Beltran to do something besides stand in the back of a scene rolling his eyes and waiting for Kate to shut up so he can say "I'm on it" or "Yes, Captain." And really, I actually buy everything in this. Seven is an emotional adolescent with an abusive history and major attachment issues, and her two mentors are a) a hologram, and b) a woman who dates holograms. The writers took a shocking turn for the mature by choosing to not ritually humiliate Seven in front of the entire crew, instead letting the Doctor handle it in a sweet and encouraging way (even though he's obviously disappointed at not being her sex hologram of choice). The reveal at the end that the Borg have basically physically and permanently broken Seven's ability to have emotional relationships broke my heart a little, I admit.

Look holoChakotay, I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish, but the Goddess of Empathy was the best inappropriate holographic lover OF ALL TIME!

So now that we have reached the end, what have we learned from this marathon of holographic crack exploits?

1) Always, always, always lock the holodeck door.
2) Seriously, never use the command "override" to the holodeck computer, especially when immediately followed by "safety protocols."
3) Chances are that right now a) there is a holographic version of you and b) it's having more sex than you.
4) 90% of all holodeck crack shenanigans in the history of space can be somehow blamed on Barclay, Tom Paris or Julian Bashir.
5) No matter how thorough your marathon, there is never any reason to watch the Enterprise series finale.
feel: accomplishedaccomplished
(Deleted comment)
Little Red: trek - alamomylittleredgirl on February 1st, 2011 03:21 pm (UTC)
Awww, thank you! :) And hahahaha... I think the galaxy might implode if those three ever co-designed a holodeck program. Although seriously, Paris and Bashir should join some kind of holoprogram exchange, because I think Tom would really enjoy the James Bond program!
Lanna: FOR THE WIN!lanna_kitty on February 1st, 2011 07:57 am (UTC)

edit: Also I love these heeee

Edited at 2011-02-01 08:03 am (UTC)
Little Red: trek - ani hey u guysmylittleredgirl on February 1st, 2011 03:21 pm (UTC)
a universal sigh: Voy - Seven - red lips gold hairnaushika on February 1st, 2011 08:12 am (UTC)


Little Red: trek - marathons - distress_callmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:12 am (UTC)

I'm glad you enjoyed it! :-D :-D


I LOL'd with my face! :)

I must do more of these because I feel ADRIFT and WITHOUT PURPOSE now.
anranr on February 1st, 2011 08:12 am (UTC)
3) Chances are that right now a) there is a holographic version of you and b) it's having more sex than you.


5) No matter how thorough your marathon, there is never any reason to watch the Enterprise series finale.

Also, THIS.
Little Red: trek - t'pol hoshi wtf - afterglowssmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:13 am (UTC)
<3! I'm glad fandom is entirely in agreement about this (except for all those people who voted to put it on a Fan Favorite Collection I mean what srsly that happened.)
Lindsay: Voyager - J/C rosebabylil on February 1st, 2011 08:12 am (UTC)
I really want to watch a whole lot of Voyager now!
Little Red: trek - ani wolf leotardmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:14 am (UTC)
It's fabulous. FAAABULOUS. And often terrible, but in a way that just makes it MORE FABULOUS!
Roxy: I LOVE youchichiri on February 1st, 2011 11:46 am (UTC)
I hardly read my LJ friend's list these days, but I have been really enjoying reading your entries lately. lol :D
Little Red: trek - ani jazzhands - rightoniconsmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:14 am (UTC)
YAY! :) Thanks!!
Ridiculously Fanatic: voyager tom/b'elanna by vgrbabenel_ani on February 1st, 2011 01:28 pm (UTC)
Oh no, your card thingie! D:

Awww, that Seven episode is the pining!Doctor episode, isn't it? Awwww!

No matter how thorough your marathon, there is never any reason to watch the Enterprise series finale.

Little Red: trek - doc & 7mylittleredgirl on February 1st, 2011 03:11 pm (UTC)
No, it actually isn't the pining Doctor one! That's "Someone to Watch Over Me," and I feel so bad for poor Ensign Whoever who gets shanghaied into going on a practice date with Seven, haha.

I am not sure now if I ship Doc/7! It seems too messed up to function! And yet!
Opal: tng torethoparu on February 1st, 2011 03:44 pm (UTC)
maybe because they're both emotionally teenagers? The Doctor thinks he's not, HE IS, and Seven definitely is.
Little Red: trek - ani plzstop - rightoniconsmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:17 am (UTC)
Yes, they seriously are. Can you imagine dating either one of them? OH EM GEE.
Opal: voy j coffeeoparu on February 4th, 2011 10:10 pm (UTC)
Not really, no. The Doctor needs to grow up and Seven needs someone on her level emotionally. I suggest a Vulcan. They're loving, but not overtly emotional.
Ridiculously Fanatic: voy janeway by caffeynel_ani on February 1st, 2011 07:51 pm (UTC)
Yes! The poor ensign who...got his arm broken? XD

It's weird, I have a harder time remembering the later seasons of Voy, even though I should have seen them more recently.

I'm not sure I ship them either, I just hate seeing the Doctor sad, no matter the circumstances.

...okay, maybe I ship them a little. Because it would be a non-typical pairing, I'm always a sucker for those.
Little Red: trek - doc & 7mylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:16 am (UTC)
ME TOO re: later seasons, I think because we saw the earlier seasons more because of reruns and general obsessive newtoyomg tendencies.

I AM CONFUSED ABOUT THE SHIPPING. Because... kind of... neither of them are prepared to be in a relationship? But perhaps that makes them perfect for each other after all? They wouldn't have to get normalized that way. They could just be the wacky couple with the crazy high electric bills.
(Deleted comment)
Little Redmylittleredgirl on February 1st, 2011 03:01 pm (UTC)
Really!? The Disease is one of my favorites. I actually pretend that Tal was exiled from her people and now lives on Voyager having lots of glowy sex with Harry. Which I must say makes all the crap that happens to him as the series goes on seem less colossally unfair.

The one that makes me too uncomfortable to watch is "Darkling," for like every conceivable reason.
(Deleted comment)
Little Red: trek - doc & 7mylittleredgirl on February 1st, 2011 03:19 pm (UTC)
The concept of a prudish teenager kind of warps my mind a little, I must confess! Mostly because I collapsed in teenage hormonesplosion every time anybody made out on my TV (which is probably why I don't mind when pairs who aren't my OTP hook up - I HAVE NO STANDARDS). You're so cute!!

That episode I don't watch for different reasons, mostly because it sends me into apoplectic rage and I forget about how much I really love Janeway.
(Deleted comment)
Opal: tng dw greenoparu on February 1st, 2011 03:43 pm (UTC)
Mostly I'm just pissed off that the show put them together at the end.

SO this. Especially because it was not undone like Troi/Worf, and therefore stupid.
Little Red: trek - chakotay-on-brain - 2clmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:19 am (UTC)
Yes, well, but I blamed the finale for that (and then I rewatched the finale a few years ago and they were actually really cute together DAMMIT and I was very upset about how much I squeee'd). But I am still somehow able to like THIS episode because I can't really blame Chakotay for a hologram he knew nothing about cheating on Janeway who is not his girlfriend.
Opal: voy ship pushoparu on February 4th, 2011 10:16 pm (UTC)
That's a fair point for holo!Chakotay. He doesn't know about Janeway, and he has been programmed to love Seven, so...it could be cute.

I still think he's too old for her, and that she's playing out some bizarre fantasy where she's dating her step-dad. Poor Seven.
miera_c: crimemiera_c on February 1st, 2011 02:59 pm (UTC)
WORD on #5.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:21 am (UTC)

CRAP. Does that mean I will have to watch it if I do a marathon of Episodes That It Turned Out In The End Never Actually Happened?? NO. Rule #5 will last. NEVER A REASON TO WATCH.
Opal: voy JT heartoparu on February 1st, 2011 03:41 pm (UTC)
OMG 3, 3 is so true.

Fanboys and holodecks are a dangerous OTP.

huh. I am surprised by your conclusions about holoChakotay, but your clever cracks about Seven assimilating KJ's life have earned you points. Poor Seven. She needs to hang out with B'Elanna or Tuvok more. Tuvok being the best role model EVER.
Opal: voy j leansoparu on February 1st, 2011 03:45 pm (UTC)
I so think Seven should hook up with a Vulcan, post-show, thus learning emotional control, so she can be in love yet not destroy her head.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:25 am (UTC)
That's a great idea!!
Little Red: trek - emo vulcan - icons_of_isismylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:24 am (UTC)
What were my conclusions about holoChakotay? Just that I don't hate him? I remember concluding to myself that he can wear the hell out of futuristic casualwear.

Seven should totally hang out with Tuvok ALL THE TIME. I loveeeed it when they were paired off, and they share a long-suffering sigh of all these people are totally crazy. I'm not so sure about B'Elanna. I don't think she's quite ready to be anyone's role model, and it will probably end in fistfights.
Opal: tng b pretty backgroundoparu on February 4th, 2011 10:18 pm (UTC)
He did look good.

Tuvok is epic and amazing. More Tuvok. B'Elanna might break her nose. ;)
ACcheekygal on February 1st, 2011 03:46 pm (UTC)
*pounds on the table*

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<i<hologram>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

*pounds on the table*

<i<Hologram Chakotay: like regular Chakotay, except getting some.</i>

OMG, I'm dying here!

Thanks for the laughs, I needed them!
Little Red: trek - sistine trek - lemonrocketmylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:26 am (UTC)
:-D YAYYYYY!! I am so delighted that people are enjoying this, since I basically want my new calling in life to be watching Star Trek and writing snarky love notes about it.

Clyde: simsuzvoy on February 1st, 2011 05:23 pm (UTC)
No matter how thorough your marathon, there is never any reason to watch the Enterprise series finale.

Little Red: trek - trip look - artphiliamylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:27 am (UTC)
Clyde: simsuzvoy on February 3rd, 2011 06:43 am (UTC)
georgie: teageorgierae on February 1st, 2011 08:52 pm (UTC)
4) 90% of all holodeck crack shenanigans in the history of space can be somehow blamed on Barclay, Tom Paris or Julian Bashir.

Personally I blame Tom Paris for everything :D

also, Kanye popping up at the end made me lol
Little Red: trek - p/t lovemylittleredgirl on February 3rd, 2011 04:29 am (UTC)
I am so glad someone appreciated the Kanye because I spent an embarrassingly long time figuring out the Kanye meme generator website, haha.

Tom Paris can really get blamed for a lot.
georgie: Sherlockgeorgierae on February 4th, 2011 06:46 pm (UTC)
ha. It's not often Kanye gets appreciated. Y'know, on the grounds that he's a complete arse...

He really can.