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18 May 2011 @ 01:03 am
Dear OK! Magazine:  
I'm really sorry for all the times I called you trashy in a bad way, or hated on you for never shutting up about Katie Holmes' imaginary fetuses, or whatever else. This episode of Little Red nearly has a fucking ship heart attack watching Dancing With the Stars is brought to you by OK! and their backstage photos and how they gave Kym a reason to blog her stream-of-consciousness thoughts about how Hines is her MVP.

EDIT TO END ALL EDITS: At the end I've added the God-bless-you-interviewer-from-Access-Hollywood post-results interview from last night where ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE and I get totally on board with Kym's new plan of island vacation >>>> diamonds.


She's so beautiful and not dead and so very his. Help me out, body language experts, or I'm just going to go with he's-totally-touching-her-to-protect-and-reassure-and-she-is-the-happier-for-it.


Her hand! They were seriously touching the whole night. Also, bonus Team Kanendouche looking shifty.


I don't know what sign Hines is trying to throw down. I think it's the sign for "Mark, it's time to talk about wearing pants that go past your ankles."


Included just because they look so happy! Probably laughing about how Hines had to teach Brooke the rules of a coin toss.


This is a neat photo, even if Kym is dressed as a pinata. Some days her costuming choices are genius. Hines' feet could have been doing anything - no one could look away from her shaking her tailfeathers.


Speaking of costuming choices - as they test a lift backstage, I can't help but try to imagine the size of the industrial bedazzler they must have on Planet Mirrorballus.


Okay okay those were all from last night. Tonight, the hourlong not-a-timewaster-tonight before the results show was "THE FREESTYLE." There were some great pro numbers set to the music of past freestyles (which was just a gimmick to have awesome pro numbers and still call the show THE FREESTYLE, I think). Past celebs came back to do a play-by-play analysis of their freestyles. A majority of them were Kym's past partners, which turned out weird, under the circumstances. Warren Sapp got in a perhaps unintentional dig about how there was never a chance he'd let his girl fall, while the It's All About Donnie Osmond Road Show almost bragged about all the times he dropped Kym. At least Tom eventually pointed out that it was really weird in this new light to watch replayed footage of her getting "thrown around like a rag doll," and Kym's face basically said she was realizing right along with the rest of us that she has always been reckless and batshit insane about her safety with lifts with amateur partners and maybe she should rethink that strategy.

Speaking of, I didn't notice how the other pros looked, but this whole hour was clearly meant to ramp up the pressure for THE FREESTYLE HAS TO BE PERFECT AND EPIC AND TRICKS LIFTS AERIALS TRICKS and she looked like she was having an out of body experience. Could be the painkillers, I suppose, but show, cut it out.

Apolo showed up, too, and then Tom was kind of tickled to get to interview Brooke about her freestyle. Brooke's commentary was basically: "It's sheer blind luck we didn't die," and then she talked about breast pads (I wonder if she means push-up padding or if she was actually nursing when she did this show!?) and tells America that she has a tail. Tom really seems to like her a lot and enjoy co-hosting with her, even though she's comically dumb sometimes.

Drew Lachey and Cheryl reprised their "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." Cheryl should really get an honorable mention this week for awesome, because she's in at least two of the pro dances, she re-taught Drew his freestyle, and she helped Hines rehearse while Kym was injured (and, according to Kym's blog, was prepared to step in on show night if Kym didn't get cleared to dance). So here. Cheryl, I love you girl, and your dance with Tony reminded me of what a stunning dancer you are.

In terms of actual results:

Hines & Kym (who were actually first to get their results, not just first in my heart): They said their freestyle will have a Jackson 5/football halftime show theme, and Kym promises some tricks and then backs down before Tom can actually freak out on her.

They THANKFULLY blacked out the moment of her actual fall when they cut together the last-night-on-DWTS recap, but also included a few new clips of her looking terrified when she first got hurt. They also show confessional clips from last night when they're both still crying and Kym says she told him not to watch the recap of her fall and she has "no idea" how he even danced after that and they're hugging, and at this point, I'm toast. They're declared safe (of course - they are basically safe every season for the rest of the show after what they did last night) and when Hines hugs her you can hear him say "Just don't worry, just don't worry," and I about die from how sweet that is. She was totally the leader, the pro, his guide and rock and shepherd for most of this competition, and now he's returning the favor. Mazel tov, you two, your babies will have perfect teeth and will be born knowing how to samba.

Chelsea & Mark: I don't even remember what they said they were going to do in their freestyle, but I'm sure it'll be totally nuts and Mark will overshadow her - maybe that's a good thing? I find Chelsea completely harmless but also a little forgettable. I actually like her and don't blame her for any of the shenanigans Team Kanendouche have pulled this season, because she's very much a 22 year old girl without life experience. Mark's her guide, and he should know better. And, damn it, I want to hate Mark because he is such a douche and I want him to stfu but hard, but I kind of love him anyway as being part of the DWTS family. I find him easier to take when I remember that Derek kind of stole his parents and upstages him as a dancer all the time. Anyway, Mark and Chelsea dance recap happens and I can't bring myself to care. Confessional: Chelsea says that she hated Mark last week but doesn't hate him 73 points later. Stupid cha-cha-15-point-bonanza. She's a totally competent dancer, and it won't be unfair if she wins, but she lacks the charisma - and possibly the audience backing - of Kirstie and Ralph, so it was unfair to catapult her so far above them with a kind of made-up anti-Bristol challenge.

Kirstie & Maks: They always make me laugh. Maks looks so happy on show days. Kirstie promises aerials in the freestyle (this is news to Maks, but he rolls with it). She's apparently not allowed to say the name of her freestyle song on national TV. Is it the Cheers theme song? Can you do a freestyle to the Cheers theme song? How will we use a song if we don't have the rights to say its name? So many questions. They're the last to be called safe, but in a "not necessarily the bottom two" situation, so I wonder if Kirstie's mad audience votes actually put her above Chelsea and her ten thousand point lead last night. (I'm pretty sure the gods themselves descended to vote for Hines & Kym, so I'm not even considering them as a Bottom Two option.)

Ralph & Karina: HEARTBREAK. Not that they went home, because I do think he's probably the weakest overall contender at this point, but the judges were cruel to them last night. Give them crap scores, whatever, but they were nasty, and the semi-finals really isn't the place for that. These people came so far - let them down easy! I just hate it when the judges act butt-hurt that the votes overturn the leaderboard. Karina has looked crushed in every single shot since Bruno called her Ralph's "pussy" on national television, and I felt so bad for her having to pretend they had a chance and just sit through this whole show. (Their freestyle, if they did it, was apparently going to be based on The Bandwagon. So either they weren't paying attention when Hines and Kym used that last week, they had already planned it and were totally cheesed off that Kym stole their movie tie-in, or Karina was so totally over this results show that she just said the first thing that popped into her head.) Ralph gave a great speech about Karina at the end and I was amazed at how gracious she has become over the years. I'm cool with this as long as she's invited to the Macchio Family Christmas Dinners and his kids call her Auntie K.

I didn't actually mean to recap the show but that took long enough for the post-results interviews to go up! Yay!

The interviewer asks Hines "What's the first thing you're going to do after the finals that you haven't allowed yourself to do during the competition?" and he laughs and I scream "SEX WITH KYM!" Kym and I both look kind of bummed when he calls her A Friend, but basically everything else is still Kym Is The Center Of Everything. Kym just looks sad and reserved, and aside from exhaustion and pain, the It's Almost Over comments seem to be getting to her. Hines says he wants to sneak away to the islands for the weekend and reflect on what this all has meant to him and I am like hold the phone, Girlfriend needs a trip to the islands. Make that shit happen, dude. You, her, possibly an icepack for her neck, a beach, mai tais, make this happen. And she'll be way less sad if you invite her now, I think. I have seen way too much Kym sadface this week. Time for mai tais and promise of now-we're-dancing-but-next-week-the-islands-and-we'll-have-fun-and-talk-about-things-and-figure-things-out-in-a-naked-way-and-also-diamonds.


And Kym's blog on OK! is epic. Worth reading the whole thing, but let me highlight a few quotes:

He would’ve danced with Cheryl if I couldn’t dance. When they gave us the all-clear we spoke about it. I wasn’t sure, I wanted to give Hines the best chance he could have to make the final. We spoke about it and he said, “You know what, we’re a team, if they’ve cleared you, do your best and I’ll pull you through.” He’s such an incredible man.

PERFECT. He doesn't want to dance with anyone else, because she's it.

I went into shock when it happened. I couldn’t feel my arms for about a minute, that’s what was really scaring me. Then Hines was so great. The paramedics and the cast and Cedars Sinai — the paramedics were there in five minutes and they just really took care of me. Hines was with me every step of the way. He was with me in the hospital, he stayed there for every test result, he was with me throughout the whole experience. He took me back to the hospital on Monday to get more tests and he was with me waiting to see what the results would be. He’s been with me the whole time. Even when he rehearsed, he came back to my house to see me. I was on my couch laid up with my pajamas on and he showed me what they’d worked on. We’re a team, and he’s just really taken care of me. I feel so lucky, I can’t even begin to describe how lucky I feel.

*squeak* He drove her around to the hospital and sat with her in the waiting room and visited her at home because he was rehearsing with someone else.

Hines danced them incredibly. I’m so proud of him. We really don’t care what happens now. After we finished that tango, the scores weren’t anything he’s concerned about. He was just so happy we were dancing together.


I realize that being my OTP is a lot of pressure to put on actual humans, but the versions of Hines and Kym we get to see on TV and in the media? Like Bruno said, made for each other.

EDIT TO END ALL EDITS: This actually happens. My new favorite interviewer of all fucking time eggs them on with "Maybe your relationship can blossom after the finals," and Hines says it's a "lifelong relationship" and they're going to go on vacation together and we'll see and they're both so smiley and giddy and Kym demands a trip to the Bahamas and a;lskegja;lkgja;lksjg;klasjdf;alksjgd; *FLAPPY HANDS* THERE IS JUST NOTHING MORE THAT CAN EVER BE SAID ON THIS SUBJECT.



I swear, I swear, if they are just making this up for the cameras and nothing ultimately comes of this I never want to know.
 
 
 
Rose Wilde-Irishrosewildeirish on May 18th, 2011 11:53 am (UTC)
<3
Little Red: aw - cj/d *hugz* - natushkamylittleredgirl on May 18th, 2011 04:07 pm (UTC)
Your enabling is always appreciated! <3 <3 <3
Pooh: DWTS - Jenerek (by scoreonemore4me)mspooh on May 18th, 2011 12:36 pm (UTC)
Dear god, Woman*, you're killing me! Will post more when catching up on the results show and when I have time to properly ogle the picspam. Will say this, though, to get things started. First picture with his hand on her butt? That's hand ON HER ALMOST NAKED BUTT. I'm not a body language expert, but I know I'd feel weird having a guy rest his hand that low unless there was a little sumthin sumthin ya know what I mean?



* You or Kym - can't decide, probably both.
Little Red: dwts - hines/kymmylittleredgirl on May 18th, 2011 04:05 pm (UTC)
AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
Their second post-results interview has been added, and it's basically ALL OF OUR HOPES AND DREAMS. He says they are going on vacation together to the islands and it's a lifelong relationship and they are so snuggly and Kym demands a trip to the Bahamas "since you dropped me on my head."
Pooh: SGA - Liz eyebrow (by toasteronfire)mspooh on May 18th, 2011 04:15 pm (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKING WITH ME.

Cuz omg. Seriously. No words. I may need to go hide out in a lab somewhere and watch these clips.
Little Red: dwts - hines/kymmylittleredgirl on May 18th, 2011 04:24 pm (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
I AM SO NOT EVEN FUCKING WITH YOU A LITTLE BIT. I mean she gives the "we're really good friends" soundbyte and then he just steamrolls right over her and says he's taking her on vacation and they're totally snuggling while all this goes down and just seriously, the gleee from this video alone will melt polar icecaps and akldj;aljk;awej;akgj;algkj;lkja SENSELESS KEYMASHING.
Pooh: Psych - lalalalala (by aurora)mspooh on May 19th, 2011 02:20 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
I'm watching the freestyle portion of the results show. It's... weird. Well, except for all the pros dancing. Anna is awesome. I love watching her red hair flying all over the place. And I cannot wait to see Hines BE the halftime show. Haha. Just curious though... if Mark wins, will his name have an asterisk by it for a Hough-less season? I miss Derek and Julianne.
Little Red: dwts - hines/kymmylittleredgirl on May 19th, 2011 02:27 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
Seriously, once I realized that Mark is The Other Guy in the Ballas Brat Pack when it's actually his name, I just started feeling really bad for him. No wonder he acts like a bratty little brother!

Anna is amazing. It's incredibly difficult to look at anybody else whenever she's on stage.

Can we please get Kym in a cheerleading outfit for this halftime extravaganza? Black and gold with Hines' name instead of the Steelers logo, haha. Strangely, she would actually be more covered up than usual.
Pooh: hot assmspooh on May 19th, 2011 02:43 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
I feel bad for him, too, to be overshadowed by others even in his own family. But without either of the Houghs around this season, I wish he'd take the opportunity to stop being a douche and step it up and show just how good he is. And yet... I still feel mostly meh about him. Old habits die hard, I guess -- for both Mark and me. lol

Oh come on. As soon as they said halftime show, you KNOW that means Kym will be in a cheerleader outfit. And you know what goes well with a cheerleader outfit? DIAMONDS. (And SEX.. but that can be saved for after the freestyle, hee.) LMAO at the being more covered up thing. Well... girlfriend's got a body that I'd show off naked, too, but she is still not as bad as Edyta. Heh.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on May 19th, 2011 03:20 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
His douchiness is out of control this season. Chelsea should really cut him down every week. That rocked.

The diamonds and sex omg. I'm still holding out for them to reprise their foxtrot with real jewelry because I think they get to choose a reprise dance. Although their judges pick dance is the quickstep so Kym might make him do a Latin dance instead for their pick. Eee! Finals! Did you watch the ridiculous videos I linked above or are you being good and watching the squee in order??
Pooh: PD - young love (by galindafied4u)mspooh on May 19th, 2011 03:41 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
Watching squee in order.

Now watching some of the clips from the previous post. Am I being too biased thinking they should have won the cha cha? I'd like to think that Team Douchebag doesn't have the fanbase to carry Chelsea through to the finals and that's why they gave the points to her instead of Hines. Haha.

Seriously. The whole holding the bag of ice against her neck for her? Boyfriend is SO IN LOVE with her. Hell, I don't even get that from my boy, who doesn't even open car doors for me. I bet Hines does for Kym. I bet he also holds her hair when she gets drunk and has to worship the porcelain gods. (I really wish Boy read my LJ -- ok, maybe not -- but then I can be like YOU SEE THAT? WHY CAN'T ALL GUYS BE LIKE HINES. LOL.)

OMG. That second post show clip with the babies and stuff. That interviewer is one of us! Wait, I think the whole world is one of us at this point. Hee! It's so weird seeing her after the show and SO TINY next to him. And the whole thing with him telling her she has to put the neck brace back on again after they finish interviews and stuff? They are SO MARRIED ALREADY.

Edited at 2011-05-19 03:42 am (UTC)
Little Redmylittleredgirl on May 19th, 2011 04:00 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
Somebody give that interviewer a raise!!! I'm out tonight and can't type enough squee on my phone so please continue to livesquee as you watch and I'll comment to it allllllll when I have a keyboard!! <3
Little Red: dwts - hines/kymmylittleredgirl on May 19th, 2011 07:40 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
It's so weird seeing her after the show and SO TINY next to him.

She was totally looking especially tiny without her monster dance heels! High School Me (I just went out and partied with a high school friend, so I'm in that mindset) celebrates their perfect height ratio. For some reason the 8/7 was a huge deal in high school.

The whole holding the bag of ice against her neck for her? Boyfriend is SO IN LOVE with her.

She is like CENTER OF HIS WORLD for this entire episode. It's ridiculous. He takes care of her. (And he visited her at home after dancing with Cheryl. Let's not forget this. Kym's mom is in town taking care of her and I just sort of imagine Mama Johnson watching from the doorway and studying him and deciding she approves. Aside: Kym's mom also was here in her season with the It's All About Donnie Osmond Show. I wonder if she just books a flight if Kym makes it past Week 6 or something like "I'd better go to America so my kid doesn't forget to do things like have clean laundry and eat food while she's going after this mirrorball thing.")

I bet he also holds her hair when she gets drunk and has to worship the porcelain gods.

Ahahaha. I have never quite understood this thing. I would want someone to get me a hair elastic, but seriously, I am like GTFO AND NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN if I'm in that state. ;)

And the whole thing with him telling her she has to put the neck brace back on again after they finish interviews and stuff?

AUGHHHH that was so fucking cute. He also knew more about her injury than she did. I love that she just lets him handle that and totally looks at him to find out if the doctor told her to put the neck brace back on and chirps "okay!" without putting up an argument. And how he keeps telling the interviewers she's high and not to listen to her when she says she's not in pain. HAHAHA.

And their segment in the results show when they're crying in the confessional about how he saw the footage of her fall and she's like HOW DID YOU DANCE and he's like I DON'T EVEN KNOW just kills me. On rewatch I realized how visible the bruising on the back of her neck was too. :( Man, she's a ridiculous trooper. She just out-toughed like 85% his football buddies. Steeler Nation, your new queen. RESPECT.
Pooh: FG - fangirls! (by dreamers_awaken)mspooh on May 19th, 2011 04:10 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
Ok, so the pic- and vid-spam in this post...

1st pic: Butt touch.
2nd pic: Thigh touch. RECIPROCAL LOVE TOUCHES FTW!
3rd pic: Okay, now I can't stop staring at Mark's Urkel pants... manpris... whatever. I don't normally stare at his feet (or much of him since he's so tiny) but I feel like almost all of his costumes feature flood pants of some sort. Very weird.
4th pic: The smiling. The lovebirds are always smiling and laughing. Their children will be born beaming, awww.
5th pic: Exactly how does one sit down when they're wearing ridiculous tailfeathers?
6th pic: I think I've seen this position in the Kama Sutra before.

Clips!

1st clip: SO CUTE TOGETHER. I like how he keeps referring to her as a "friend" and to their "friendship." I know this trick. Boys do it all the time, calling their favorite gals their "friends." Oh wait, I did that to my Boy too for the longest time, haha, oops. And what the what? Hines is having surgery after DWTS is over? Does this mean Kym gets to return the favor and take care of him? Hee.

2nd clip: I AM SO FULL OF SQUEE RIGHT NOW I HAVE NO WORDS. Okay, wait, I do have some words. Words like OMGFLAIL and AHHHHHHHHHH. Surely this validates the legitimacy of the ship. TV people are actually questioning it on camera! And yay, Hines actually says he knows he owes her diamonds sex something for everything she's been through. And this is SO WRONG, but when he said he'd get Mickey Mouse to give her a massage, I could not stop my pervy brain from seeing Hines with Mickey Mouse ears. Seriously, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I blame Kym/Hines. There's just too much cute and squee making my brain 'splode to think clearly.

I need to go into play by play commentary on her blog excerpts, because HOLYFUCKOMGWEDDINGBELLSLACETULLEDIAMONDSSEX. But alas, it is past midnight and a work night. I can't believe we only have one more week of this! *Kymsadface*



Edited at 2011-05-19 04:10 am (UTC)
Little Red: dwts - hines/kymmylittleredgirl on May 19th, 2011 07:26 am (UTC)
Re: AND THEN I KNEW NO MORE
I don't normally stare at his feet (or much of him since he's so tiny)

RIGHT? RIGHT? It should not be hard to find floor-length pants for him since he is not supernaturally tall here.

The lovebirds are always smiling and laughing. Their children will be born beaming, awww.

AWWWW. You are so right! They will! And aww. They are so cute when they smile together! WITH OUR SMILES COMBINED... THREE TENS BITCHES.

And what the what? Hines is having surgery after DWTS is over? Does this mean Kym gets to return the favor and take care of him?

EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT. I wonder if this is related to the knee scope thinggy he had before he started the competish? I want her to mother hen him and then be like "SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT" and he totally likes it and she's like, yep, I did too and then they just kind of look at each other like wow, we are ridiculous but really they're cool with that because they are physically unable to STOP SMILING ADORABLY.

NO WORDS. I KNOW. NO WORDS. AUGHHH. HE OWES HER A VACATION. AND. And he totally just said Disney World to punk her and it's completely adorable and she falls for it and they're laughing and just ugaldksgja;ldskhja;lkjg;laj NO WORDS. They are like little adorable kids sometimes.

HOLYFUCKOMGWEDDINGBELLSLACETULLEDIAMONDSSEX

OH. MY. GOD. Kym's blog is seriously this stream-of-consciousness Hines Adoration Hello Kitty Diary every single week. I mean, on some level, the pros are always my celeb is awesome! (well, except Anna, who can't lie and so is just like "he... is a really nice person!") but this is totally new fangirly territory for Kym. I think she fell for him hard and fast and had no idea it was happening because she was blinded by the light shining off his perfect teeth and only realized later that he's her MVP.

HOW DO WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE WEEK. I CAN'T POSSIBLY WRITE ALL THE FIC I HAVE IN MY HEAD BY THEN. I am going to be the crazy person still writing fic for them for like a year like the person I found on fanfic.net that one time I was really desperate for DWTS fic and was like wow, you are still writing Mark/Sabrina after all this time, that takes serious fucking dedication dude. I'll be THAT PERSON. Except it'll be even more ridiculous because Hines and Kym will actually be together having fabulous sex on beautiful islands and sometimes just on kitchen islands when they can't wait and asf;lkadgj;alksgja;klgjs I mean this is TOTALLY ON, right??? They can't possibly be faking this for the cameras, can they? I feel like they deny it way too much for it to be fake, you know?

Someone on a dwts forum I found was saying that they heard Hines was a playa and so they didn't want him to hook up with Kym, and I went OOH I WONDER IF THAT'S WHY HE'S BEING CAREFUL, HE DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK IT UP BECAUSE KYM *MEANS MORE* and I worried for a moment and then realized that if Kym can break him of his football posture on the dance floor she can break him of his playa ways (if that rumor is even true) just as easily with sheer force of her hotness. TRUE FACT.

Oh hey, interesting Disneyland thought - I read somewhere that Hines took his mom and son to Disneyland when they visited in Week 3. Think Kym got to go? It was early enough in the competition that she probably had a few minutes of free time, right?