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25 August 2004 @ 02:10 am
small victories  
Yesterday was my first time in the water since I got sick again.

I swam half a mile today.

Mercury's in retrograde. I have started probably fifteen whiny self-berating introspective journal posts in the past two weeks and posted none of them.

Maybe I can't say these things here.

I'm afraid I am losing everything (everyone) through inaction. I put my most important friendships on hold because I don't want to wear them out when I have been too sick and tired and uninteresting to have anything to say, to give anything back. (Not that my friends wouldn't take me like this if I make the effort. We are bound together. I just don't want to be like this with them, don't always have to be the one they make allowances for.)

I need to find a way to give something and hope it will be enough.

I don't want to get through this, to swim until I make it to shore, and find that there is no one left.
 
 
feel: lonelya little lost
hear: over the rhine - "nobody number one"
 
 
 
stexgirl2000stexgirl2000 on August 25th, 2004 07:56 am (UTC)
Have faith in your friends and reach out to them, especially when you know that they'll take you at your best or worst. Friendship is life-preserver during troubling times, so don't refuse it.

Turn it around, you'd want your friends to come to you when they feel slung around by life, you'd want to support them. So let them do the same for you.

The other good thing about friendship is that giving back to your friends doesn't have to be done exactly at the same time they're giving to you. One day you'll be there for them when they're down, giving to them and supporting them. It's just part of the ebb and flow being someone's friend.

That's my two cents.

Hope whatever is going with you gets better soon.

--stex

Little Red: sam and love - clairamylittleredgirl on August 25th, 2004 04:50 pm (UTC)
Aww, thanks :) Your two cents made me all warm and fuzzy. And a lot of really good points.
Lisa Yaegerlisayaeger on August 25th, 2004 10:41 am (UTC)
*waves*

We're right here :-)

*hugs*
Little Red: cute when sick - duckadorkmylittleredgirl on August 25th, 2004 04:51 pm (UTC)
:) The internet is truly a mono godsend. I would be going bonkers were it not for the wonderful social-contact-in-easily-regulated-doses that the internet provides!!

And, you know, all the manaical squeee ;) Best distraction ever.
Lisa Yaegerlisayaeger on August 25th, 2004 05:14 pm (UTC)
It's been a lifesaver for me at times, too. Of course other times, I want to virtually kill people!

Feel better soon :-)
Kim's Watermelon Gunkeenween on August 25th, 2004 11:31 am (UTC)
DOOD!
Know that I will always be on the shore, with a towel and Geeky Scifi DVDs.
*hug*
Little Red: ethermylittleredgirl on August 25th, 2004 04:56 pm (UTC)
*hug*

Thank you, bro :) It's so sad that we now will actually have to cross state lines to lounge on a couch and watch geeky scifi DVDs.

I miss you lots and thought of you while swimming -- did you ever get hooked up with that pool you wanted to swim at?
-a.frog/gorf.a-froggoddess on August 25th, 2004 11:47 am (UTC)
love love love love love love!
and i'm sorry i still haven't come to visit---the summer was nuttier than expected...but i will come...really! (and if you're feeling up to it you're always welcome in greenfield anytime...)
love love love love frog.
Little Red: ethermylittleredgirl on August 25th, 2004 04:58 pm (UTC)
*lovelovelovelove* back!

No problem that you didn't come visit!!! Nuttiness is totally allowed :) I'm glad that the invite still stands :) How far are you from Northampton? My mom has a friend there... maybe she could drop me off at your place and we could play for an afternoon sometime while she hangs out with her friend? And that way I wouldn't have to make the drive myself... *ponders*
-a.frog/gorf.a-froggoddess on August 25th, 2004 08:02 pm (UTC)
ohmygod---i practically work in northampton...my school is in hadley, which is one town over... so any afternoon after three i could definitely meet you in noho---and even steal you away to greenfield, which is a paltry 21 miles north and infinitely nicer... YAY!
Little Redmylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:13 am (UTC)
We will *totally* have to do this sometime soon! :) You will be my First Traveling Kappa Milestone.

Sometime mid-September?
jammer0307jammer0307 on August 25th, 2004 12:07 pm (UTC)
Red, one thing I've learned is this: A little bit can go a long way. Contribute what you can, friends will understand that. I know you don't want to be the one they make exceptions for, so when they invite you to something you don't feel up for, don't go and just say you'll go another time.

Hon, we all love you and we want you to get better first and foremost.

*positive thoughts*

J.
Little Red: cute when sick - duckadorkmylittleredgirl on August 25th, 2004 05:01 pm (UTC)
when they invite you to something you don't feel up for, don't go and just say you'll go another time.

I know. But I've been saying that for a year. I love that they keep asking, that I haven't been taken off the mailing lists about parties and such, but now that I'm not in Providence anymore I can't just stop by for a few minutes to put in an appearance.

My friends are AWESOME and understand... I just hate not being there so much that my not being there becomes normal.

But I'm thinking positive most of the time :-D
jammer0307jammer0307 on August 25th, 2004 05:08 pm (UTC)
I understand. Because I'm now far away from my friends, i can't do anything with them and when I go home for the weekend I usually have some family thing to do so when they invite me out I can't go.

I hate that my not being there is now normal, too.

*hugs and more positive thoughts*

J.
JAWNNYjupiterempath on August 25th, 2004 02:32 pm (UTC)
i was just thinking that mercury must be in retrograde because i have either been involved in or overheard several conversations today that sound like abbott and costello's "who's on first?" routine. and it's only 10:30.
Little Red: ethermylittleredgirl on August 25th, 2004 05:03 pm (UTC)
Mercury's been in retrograde for at least a week now. I had no idea Mercury went into retrograde as often as it does, but apparently it's like 3 times a year. No wonder people are always blaming it for stuff...

I'm surprised I knew before you :) (although I guess having a workplace where people talk about this stuff helps!) I miss having random astrological nuggets of wisdom from you and Philosopher Joe.

Mmm. Now I want pump swirl.
KarenDreamerLadykarendreamer on August 25th, 2004 03:18 pm (UTC)
I understand what you are going through. I've pulled back from a lot of life because my mom's death took a lot out of me. Know that even though we haven't talked in a long time, I still remember all our past talks. I think of you every day and look forward to reading your LJ posts, even though I don't usually comment.

Even when you were tired, you could usually find something to say to make me smile or laugh. You are also a very caring person. That is worth so very much to me in friends.

Hang in there and take care of yourself. One of these days we'll chat again.

Huge cuddle hugs..................Karen
Little Red: cute when sick - duckadorkmylittleredgirl on August 25th, 2004 05:06 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I'm so sorry that you've been having such a hard (and completely understandable) time. Please sent out an LJ all-points-bulletin if there's anything we can do to help. Short of converting to slash... (although, you kknow, for you, I *would* give it a try) ;)

You are always so kind to me when we chat, and you helped me so much through that Evil Awful Time of Illness and Doom and Decisions when we first started chatting last fall. *much love and hugs*
MegTDJ: Dan/Jan Hug - azarsuerte (manip)meg_tdj on August 25th, 2004 04:22 pm (UTC)
Wow, do I ever know that feeling. ((((((huggles))))))

I'm sure you find that you'll be able to pick up where you left off with people, hun. I only see my RL friends once in a blue moon, and it amazes me how much they still care about me and want to catch up on what's been going on. Friends can surprise you sometimes. :)
Little Red: fluffier than thou - lyssiemylittleredgirl on August 25th, 2004 05:11 pm (UTC)
*many hugs back* I can't even imagine being where you are. I think your exciting progress with your physiotherapist is inspiring me, though :)

I'm sure you find that you'll be able to pick up where you left off with people

I always have before. What scares me most, what makes this time different, is that graduation has come and gone during this illness and they are now all spread around the country and forging new lives. I feel like I'm missing some crucial window by not being there to help *them* make these transitions.

I'm sure my more extreme thoughts are unreasonable, and thank you for saying this because it makes me realize that I will always be able to build new bridges and remake these friendships even if I've missed out on a few years.

Man, you're smart :-D
MegTDJ: Dan/Jan Haunted - slyredfoxmeg_tdj on August 25th, 2004 05:26 pm (UTC)
I can't even imagine being where you are. I think your exciting progress with your physiotherapist is inspiring me, though :)

Yay! Then the pain is worth it, LOL! :P

I always have before. What scares me most, what makes this time different, is that graduation has come and gone during this illness and they are now all spread around the country and forging new lives. I feel like I'm missing some crucial window by not being there to help *them* make these transitions.

Well, I hate bringing it back to ME all the time (heh), but I missed out on highschool, college, and in some cases weddings and childbirth with my friends. They do understand, though. They don't have a whole lot of time for me now, but I bet when I get back out there in the world they'll still be there and willing to pick up where we left off.

And I relate to the scattered-across-the-globe thing, too, but in some ways that's even easier, because then they're not *expecting* me to meet up with them regularly. If they live far away, letters or email is how we'd communicate anyway, if that makes sense. :)

Man, you're smart :-D

Why, thank'ee ma'am. ;)
miekecmiekec on August 25th, 2004 07:35 pm (UTC)
It's funny how friendships work.
Some are very intense, but then fade too quickly with nothing but a vague memory after a few years.
Other friends last a lifetime. They just are. You don't see eachother for weeks, months, years, but then pick up where you left off in no time. Sure, you both change. And you miss out on eachother's graduations, weddings, first job and first job quit. But the friendship stays there. And you can still call eachother in the middle of the night if you need someone to talk to. Silly me decided to move across a big ocean and a 6-hour time difference (it sucks not being able to call in the evenings!). A lot of really good friends are really far away now. Yes, some have disappeared. Maybe forever, maybe for only a period, while they deal with RealLife (tm). Sometimes I am incommunicado for a long time for that reason too. But whenever I surface again, friends both close and far are still there. Understanding. Sometimes, life interferes with intentions.
It's more like picking up the thread of friendships than remaking. The friendships are still there. Just slowly simmering, on the back burner.

-- Mieke.
Little Red: lizzie army - A.j.mylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:16 am (UTC)
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply -- but I really appreciate what you said here. It makes me remember that I *have* done this before in small degrees by moving or even by spending a summer or a semester away from school. And the friends I am so worried about are Kappas and so there will always be commencement and GC and other ways to reconnect :)

You make so much sense and say it so well. Thank you.
Daxdaxterdd on August 25th, 2004 05:44 pm (UTC)
There's not too much I can say that hasn't already been said, except to be sure you don't stress out on this so much you make yourself sick. (um, sicker) Because all your friends love you and understand.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:20 am (UTC)
*belated hugs* and thank you. I have awesome friends, online and in real life, and it's amazing how much slack everyone gives me.

them: "Take care of yourself, idiot!"
me: "But I'm sorry! I suck!"
them: *smack*
me: *feels loved*
One Whose Honesty is Stronger Than Her Fear: mmmmamilyn on August 25th, 2004 05:50 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
Little Red: janeway heaven & earth - kabutarmylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:21 am (UTC)
*hugs back* (days late, so now you don't even know WHY you are being hugged! Mwah ha ha!)
One Whose Honesty is Stronger Than Her Fear: companionamilyn on September 1st, 2004 04:23 am (UTC)
But I looked it up and saw. :-)

And hugs are welcome today!
i'll squeal said shesaidshe on August 25th, 2004 07:15 pm (UTC)
i have this great game with my closest friends. it's called "you get a (or many) welcome-back-from-off-the-edge-of-the-world-free card(s)". we should play it some time.

i'm so so so so so happy for you swimming again. i'm damn proud of you too! i hope it felt amazing. so much good luck with it.

*LOVES YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU*
Little Red: lizzie army - A.j.mylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:25 am (UTC)
"you get a (or many) welcome-back-from-off-the-edge-of-the-world-free card(s)". we should play it some time.

I think we already have :) We could probably host a tournament by now, with us being ill and crazy and stressed and all sorts of things over the period of our bestfriendship. Which, I suppose, is a pattern that means I am stupid to freak out and be all "She will not LOVE ME anymore ever for not paying attention to her this summer and forsaking scary cakes and orange soda and seekonk vodka for strict health food diets and no forgiveness noooooooo!"

Will recognize said pattern. *sends long-distance love*

i'm so so so so so happy for you swimming again.

And you're rowing and coaching and we are both going to be US again!!!

I still miss you a lot. When are good days to call you? You are now coaching at ungodly hours, so... early evenings? afternoons? Are you and I still violently opposed to telephones? I forget.
Michelle K.jemster on August 26th, 2004 12:11 am (UTC)
Oh, hon, if you ever need a good laugh...

...Make fun of someone else....

No! Not that...um...

If you ever need to talk to someone here's my number..

1-800-

No, that's not it...

1-877-

Not that either!

1-888

Crap! I can't remember my own frickin number!

*sobs*

Either way, I'm never on YIM if you want to chat.

;-)
Little Red: in this together - base by naushikamylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:28 am (UTC)
*delayed reply*
Oh no! You are lost and have no toll-free phone number!!
Nenya Kanadka: All About Hobbits by computer_raninenya_kanadka on August 26th, 2004 03:00 am (UTC)
*HUGS*
Little Red: janeway heaven & earth - kabutarmylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:28 am (UTC)
*belated hugs back a lot*
Nenya Kanadkanenya_kanadka on September 1st, 2004 09:27 am (UTC)
*hugs more, just 'cause*

And drunken Stargate Uno? Best thing ever, except drunken Star Trek Uno. :D
Relevance: VIII. Strengthrelevance on August 26th, 2004 03:13 pm (UTC)
For what it´s worth, I´m really starting to empathize with the fear of friendships fading due to distance... we should commiserate about it sometime in Seattle. *grin* Come visit me anytime, sick or well, as long as you can make it out there.
Little Red: gleee! - nenyamylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:37 am (UTC)
Come visit me anytime, sick or well, as long as you can make it out there.

I am so, so planning on it. I keep telling my parents about how I have a friend in Seattle with an apartment with possessed chairs and that I will have to visit :) I can sleep while you're at work or something. Low-maintenance houseguest and then I will be conscious at night to party! (While I, er, drink virgin orange juice and act drunk just because my brain is mono'd... so a cheap low-maintenance houseguest!)

So, yay!

Lots of love (itb).
redbeardredbeard on August 26th, 2004 09:10 pm (UTC)
Ach, lass, we'd never leave ye behind, not at a time like this - huzzah to getting better and more into being yourself again. And no worries about the time at sea - not now, not ever. Hell, some of us live at sea - more or less.

No, really. We do. Or at least close to it.

We love you and are your friends not for what you give but for who you are. Hold that close. It's one of the great things about friendship - that even when one lies low for a while, or is away for months, or years, the bond is still there, will always be there. It's what I love about the people in my life - that our relationships stand the test of my crazy wild-rover-ness not through any special effort, but because when we see each other again, that time has passed is irrelevant, and after the usual "so, how're things" conversations, we slip back into the comfortable hold of camraderie.

Little Red: in this together - base by naushikamylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:41 am (UTC)
*big hugs*

Thank you so much for this. You're so right, and it was important that I read this to be all "OH. Right!"

after the usual "so, how're things" conversations, we slip back into the comfortable hold of camraderie.

And, in our case, into discussing how very badly Crusher and Picard needed to get together, or something equally geeky.

I'm so grateful for St. A's with all the yearly events to facilitate the group reconnect and for those great inescapable bonds :)

Someday I will come visit you at sea! Or at least, to California.
just another Pipsqueak in the crowdsnarky_freak on August 27th, 2004 05:17 am (UTC)
gosh. i hope you're feeling a little better, hon. cheer up--there'll be tons of people waiting for you on the shore :o)
Little Red: cute when sick - duckadorkmylittleredgirl on September 1st, 2004 04:42 am (UTC)
I am, and thank you :) Yay the internet.