Second thought -- I called w0lfstar during a commercial break in the episode and was informed that Connecticut had Enterprise preempted by a Yankees game. *wrath and ire on her behalf*
And because I couldn't tell *her*... I watched it again! And started making recap-like notes for livejournal that then got COMPLETELY out of control, to the point where you will all be Ashamed To Know Me that I wrote all this stuff out. Especially because, though I pretend, I'm just not funny like TWoP people are. However, I just amused myself for an hour and so will post it for public shaming, yay, in case any of you are reeeeeally bored or strangely obsessed with my opinions.
I believe my overarcing thought was WHAT THE HELL!? But in a good way! Because I had total fun yelling at my TV all night in great WHAT THE HELL!? delight.
So, first of all, there is a teaser of evil. I was totally expecting time-travel here -- firstly because people are in modern-day business suits and ties. Secondly because there is an actual BABY that the preview right before the episode informed me was Trip and T'Pol's. Thirdly because everything on this show involves time travel, and we haven't seen Daniels in a while.
Then we get a shot of a really. cute. baby. sucking her thumb. REALLY CUTE. With little pointed ears! My maternal instincts kick in at this point and continue to act up for the rest of the episode, because they are keeping this REALLY CUTE BABY in an incubator of evil, and never mind the fact that they're planning to kill "it" (in case you were confused by whether or not the bad guys are truly evil, they kill babies. I love how Enterprise makes morality easy for us), this baby is being raised in a box! She needs to be TOUCHED or she will DIE, people!
And the theme song is back. I think I've finally gotten used to it, actually, because I didn't even change the channel. (Which could have been because the Stargate that was on was the stupid one with Daniel getting beaten up by a girl for forty-five minutes, but I've already written that post of snark.)
Meanwhile, back in the CGI'd palace of Starfleet Non-Evil-ness, the Enterprise crew has apparently been recalled to Earth to witness a historical pre-Federation treaty among a bunch of alien races, except Starfleet doesn't want to spring for actual CHAIRS so they all huddle on the stairwell. They bitch about how they're not getting any credit for bringing these alien species together. Or any damned chairs. Hoshi looks really bored and pissed, and I decide to pretend she's Evil Hoshi for the rest of the episode, because chances are she won't have anything to do anyway and it really won't matter. Yay, Evil Hoshi!
In a completely shocking turn of events, Travis then has lines. Even more shockingly, these lines develop into an actual plot with actual character development! Unfortunately, these lines and the plot all involve this rather irritating reporter ex-girlfriend named "Ganet" (Dammit, Ganet! I LOVE YOUUUU) who wants to reacquaint herself with Travis' pants. Despite the fact that Travis' pants are totally already spoken for by Hoshi. I yell at my TV: "EVIL HOSHI WILL KEEEEEEL YOU!" Not surprisingly, given my track record with preferred 'shippy episodes, I think the Hoshi/Travis plotline seems to work the best when there's another woman involved. Possibly because Travis is actually on-screen.
Anyway, the reporter girl pulls some teeth in a really irritating way to get Travis to agree to go to lunch with her, all while Travis is actually less pleasant to her than he has been to, like, THE XINDI. This charming rendezvous is interrupted by a woman we've never met staggering through the lobby, which, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a high level negotiation with lots of fancy alien dignitaries on a planet with known xenophobic groups, right? Shouldn't they have some kind of security? At this point I let it slide, because I still think this woman is a time-traveler and that she's staggering around sickly because she's dying of... er, time travel poisoning, and so maybe she just time-warped right into the lobby or something. She then crazies at T'Pol that "They're going to KILL HER!", and collapses. Something really weird happens to my TV at this point, because I could've sworn her face started melting in a make-up-y way. Which made perfect sense to me, since I thought she was dying of aforementioned made-up time-travel poisoning.
However, she's actually just been shot. I blame the total lack of security! Before she keels over she hands T'Pol a vial of what I had thought, when I saw it on the previews, was a wee tiny fetus, but is in fact a lock of hair. I need a bigger teevee. The hair, by the way, is way too long for that baby to have produced, which reinforces my conviction of time travel. By this point I am totally living inside a different episode.
Back on Enterprise, Phlox hems and haws before letting T'Pol and Trip know that they, er, have a six-month old! Or, at least, a vial of hair therefrom. Congratulations. grav_ity, does Hallmark make a card for that?
Trip interrupts T'Pol's evening meditation to very legitimately go "OMGWTFBABY." T'Pol swears she's never been pregnant. Trip doesn't believe her, because all signs are pointing to BABY. Which, yay, is all well and good, but how exactly does Trip think he just might have missed her carrying a baby to term when she wears a catsuit every damned day? Okay, okay, it's the future, and perhaps she could have transferred the sprog (tm maching_monkey, with apologies for using the name of your child in vain) to a test tube or something, but I would've appreciated some window into the science they're proposing here.
Speaking of weird shit, T'Pol then goes on to say that she feels some kind of deep emotional bond with the vial full of hair that tells her that the child does exist and is, in fact, theirs. Trip, again legitimately, goes "OMGWTF." She says, "I'm Vulcan," by way of explanation. Trip, not surprisingly, looks like he wants to shake her.
Then there's a scene in which the random bureaucrat
And then THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENS: Archer tells Reed to become a SPY again! Reed skulks Very Obviously along a dark alley like the worst spy ever, and meets up with the Section 31 dude. Section 31 dude is also a terrible spy, because tells Reed everything and gets no information in return beyond the fact that T'Pol and Trip having no idea what their DNA has been getting up to, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just setting Reed up. There's an underground isolationist movement called
Er... I'd be a crappy recapper, but that's okay, because I doubt any of you are still reading ;). There are a bunch of scenes in here with people being evil and people being political and Archer being black-mail-y. I miss most of it, because I'm still going "WHAT THE HELL!?" about this mysterious baby. Seriously, I have no idea. The upshot of the scenes is: Every human guest star we meet in this episode is either evil straight up, or shifty with a side of evil.
None of that is as interesting as Travis getting more lines!! Dammit Ganet shows up on Enterprise to harras Travis and piss me off some more. Seriously, woman, MAYBE HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Also: EVIL HOSHI WILL KEEEEEL YOU!
And aww, a really really sweet scene with Phlox and Trip. Trip comes to Phlox to find out more about the Part Alien Miracle Baby. (OH GOD, NOT ANOTHER ONE. I can't believe it took me until this point in the episode to realize the connection. Maybe they'll name her "Samantha Melissa Tucker.") After the adorable baby talk, Trip hints that he suspects T'Pol might have gotten pregnant and had an abortion without telling him. Which is actually a pretty legitimate thought considering how CRACKED OUT she was at the time when they were having all the sex. However, as my mother walked in and pointed out, the baby would still be *dead* if T'Pol had done that. So, yes. Back to square one. Phlox advises Trip not to share these thoughts with T'Pol. Phlox is freaking awesome, and I love this scene.
More baby talk. Trip's dad always wanted a grand-daughter. Oh, crap, they're going to name the baby "Lizzie," aren't they. I forgot that this show has its own dead little sister.
Scene. Evil, evil, evil, evil, evil. Actually really interesting evil as far as Star Trek historical canon goes, because it's all about the aftermath of the third world war. The purpose it serves in this episode, though, is to drive home the fact that the head evil dude with the tie is evil, because not only does he raise babies in aquariums for the express purpose of KILLING THEM, he also thinks a dude who exterminated hundreds of thousands of "impure" radiation victims is an unsung historical hero. Then the evil dude with the tie shoots up in the neck. Because we haven't had enough of that on this show. Again, "WHAT THE HELL!?"
Scene. I hate Dammit Ganet, but because of her, we get lines from Travis. And insight into his character! He claims that he's so cool under pressure because he admires Chuck Yaeger, not because the writers don't give him anything to say. Travis then goes on to talk about how he gets attached to inanimate objects and feels bad for abandoning the shuttlepods in favor of transporters, and holy crap, I WANT TO MARRY TRAVIS. Baby, you can drive my car. Ganet is NOT WORTHY of him, because she behaves like a total bitch and then tries to make up for it by attacking him with her lips. They have shuttlepod sex. Evil Hoshi is so going to kill her. Travis/Hoshi OTP! Theirloveissooff-screen!
Through some technobabble, the intrepid investigative duo of Reed and Phlox figure out that the dead woman spent the last year in a mining colony on the moon. Because the writers have remembered about Travis this week, he apparently has a friend in that colony (he has HOPES and DREAMS and LINES! And FRIENDS!!). Reed gets all excited about a "mission. undercover. inside." but Trip and T'Pol's parental rights win out and they get to go on the inside undercover mission instead. There's a neuropressure joke in here somewhere, but then, there always is.
Mining colony. The bad guys now check "bury one of our own under rubble for having a slight case of conscience and make it look like a 'mining accident'" off of their evil checklist.
Actual mining. Trip and T'Pol bicker about whether they should stop and ask for directions because T'Pol can't read a map. HEE. Then T'Pol calls Trip "Trip", which is rarely a good sign, and then she accuses him of not believing her about the baby. Trip thinks Phlox ratted him out, and pleads "I never said that!", which would work except they are now bonded at the brain. He flips out on her for being VULCAN (xenophobia theme mallet!), and both of them profess that they're sick of the stupid bond. I want to know how they managed to get sick of it so quickly when it's only been, like, a week since they figured out they had it in the first place, but I assume the answer is "because the show is CANCELLED." Whatever. I'm not sick of it yet! They stop yelling at each other because they find a secret door.
We don't get to see what's behind the secret door, though, because Dammit Ganet and Mayweather are STILL HAVING SEX! (I am so marrying him.) This time in his bed. Dammit Ganet gets snitty, like, the very instant the afterglow wears off and bitches Travis out for not being present enough. Travis
Then we cut right to what seems to be a completely random scene of Possibly Evil Hoshi sulking on the bridge and being short with Reed for no obvious reason. Sekrit underlying Hoshi/Travis tension! Reed tries to be nice to her and she tells him there's something wrong with the universal translators, and that's the end of the Reed/Hoshi potential UST pairing for the evening. Because neither of these characters ever gets screen time on their own merit, clearly the translator thing is important. Hopefully Evil Hoshi will use it to take over the world.
Mining. One of the evil lackeys approaches Trip and repeats a speech I swear happened verbatim on Babylon 5 to invite him to a meeting
Speaking of, T'Pol shows up and Sherlock Holmeses a bit of evil information after Trip bodily hides her from the Vulcan-hating lackey. SQUEEE. T'Pol should wear a freaking hat while on this xenophobic mining colony. And probably a big bulky jacket, too, because she's the only woman I've seen so far in the place and, like, way to call attention to yourself, Graduate of the Reed School of Espionage. She could at least zip up her outfit now that we no longer care about ratings. Trip says, "I guess we each know what we're doing tonight," and I giggle before I realize he's not actually talking about sex
Scene. Not Night Watch. Evil rabble-rousing.
T'Pol... stalks around an area which might, I suppose, be behind that door that we never saw behind. Doing something. And I'm not just glossing over it -- I really have no idea what the hell she's doing there. Apparently the answer to my question is "being phaser bait," because another lackey shows up and shoots her.
Rabble are roused. The lackey on the soapbox points Trip out as being from the Enterprise right after blaming Starfleet for all sorts of alien-related woes. Trip makes an "eep" face.
Back at the ranch, Travis gets dressed. Dammit Ganet tips her hand as being EVIL when she sweetly asks if she can stay in Travis' quarters on board Enterprise and work while he's on duty. She doesn't get to be evil long enough to even get an answer, though, because Archer and Reed bust in and arrest her. Archer: "She's not here to do a story on Enterprise, Travis." Instead of responding with "Duh, she's here to have sex with me," Travis looks surprised and shocked and betrayed. Reed: "She's a SPY!" It takes one to know one, I guess.
Evil sector of the mining colony. Trip gets hauled into a room where T'Pol's already lying on the ground. He asks her if she's all right, she says yes, he thinks about it for about five minutes and then rushes her guard in a fit of chivalrous indignance. The head Evil Dude in the tie walks in and gets in a season late on the Trip/T'Pol - Romeo/Juliet analogy. Except for the part where Romeo and Juliet never had to worry about somebody genetically engineering their baby, or time-travel, or space aliens or whatever. T'Lizzie is apparently fine and sleeping through the night. Dear God, they're really going to keep this baby around, aren't they? I'm sorry, I love T'Pol deeply, but I do not want her in charge of undoing whatever emotional damage this poor incubated baby has ALREADY suffered. Can she at least be clean for a few years before we saddle her with the emotional and developmental needs of a half-human baby? Of course, the alternative seems to be DEATH for the cute baby, so... I'll have to think about this one for a while.
Evil dude waxes on in a rather boring monotone, but in the midst of the boring he makes fun of Trip and T'Pol's sexual escapades. Hee. I think he might be an android, though. It's creepy.
And then, out of nowhere... the mining colony they're all being evil in blasts off into space, and I start going "What the HELL!?" again.
Enterprise. Evil Hoshi figured out that Dammit Ganet rigged her universal translator to spy on everyone. Travis thinks this is a perfectly respectable and not at all suspicious thing for a reporter to do, and he might be right about that, because I think the sleazy reporter in melyanna's Pacific Rim Atlantis/West Wing crossover would be all over that in a cold minute. Ganet ends up in the brig. Travis and Hoshi share a look. (I'm not making that one up, promise.)
The mining colony has a warp drive! OMG! That was really cool! They warp over and land on Mars, on top of what appear to be giant tranceiver dishes, but are apparently something much eviller. T'Pol looks bored, but I'm actually finding these effects really neat. "This is where it all begins," Evil Dude evils, and reminds me of nothing so much as a James Bond villain. Or... Sisko playing a James Bond villain in "Our Man Bashir." Except way more android-like. Evil Dude then gets on all the news channels and informs us that he's taken over
Then, for reasons I can't figure, Evil Dude fires at the moon! And even my scientific brain goes "WHAT THE HELL!?" here, because I'm pretty sure that phaser-like energy bursts travel at the speed of light, and therefore you couldn't fire instantaneously at the moon from Mars, but... uh... I'll just close that can of laws-of-physics worms before it gets out of hand. Because more importantly: OMG! WTF! YOU SHOT THE MOON!
He then demands that all aliens leave the system. Immediately. Bwaaa, we really ARE still in the Mirror Universe! Despite the fact that this is a demand that would seem to personally affect her, T'Pol doesn't seem to be paying attention. Evil Hoshi, however, looks very worried that someone else has stolen her shtick of holding Earth hostage.
AND THEN -- WHAT!? TO BE CONTINUED!!? Man, I can't believe it's the end of the season and I still haven't figured out that there are no more one-shot episodes. AUGHHHH!!
And now I'm really torn. I WANT IT TO BE NEXT WEEEEK! I want this stuff EXPLAINED! But seriously, it just hit me that my show is ENDING! I haven't been keeping track and I really thought we had another month to go, BUT NO! *WAILS and PANICS*
(And next week we get time travel. And I get to be terrified at how much my childhood heroes have aged.)
... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when my fanfic muse goes on strike.