Little Red (mylittleredgirl) wrote,
Little Red

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keeping up.

I'm having a hard time, but I know why. I'm pushing myself harder and that always brings an obnoxious period of adjustment in which I just want to diieeeee (yes, that dramatically, in fact. imagine me swooning with a hand over my forehead.) for how I feel all tired and nauseous and icky all the time. It will lessen again, I hope, or I'll come up with some other solution, but right now I'm feeling stretched in too many directions and it's unfun.

I've been reassured recently that no one can tell I'm sick, even on some days when I feel awful and think I must be coming off as unbelievably cranky and tired and stupid and useless. So yay! I've gotten good at projecting a second skin, which is necessary at work and which I feel is necessary the rest of the time in order not to be a drag on my friends and family. So, it's good, but it takes so much energy. Plus... then no one believes me when I say "No, I need to sleep. I can't do that." Because I don't look sick. (Yes, that's the point. If I worked more hours or hung out with you every time you wanted or did everything I should WISH I could do, then I would look sick. And be of no use to you at all. Trust me.)

So I've been practicing saying "yes" and pushing that edge between what I can't do and what is just uncomfortable to do. When I run myself closer to the bone I start having scary thoughts, thoughts like "WHAT IF THE DOCTORS ARE RIGHT!? WHAT IF THIS NEVER GETS BETTER? WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO!??" (or, the flip side, "What if everyone's right and I really should be able to do everything because I'm really not sick? JUST LAZY!? If I can't fix it, does that mean there's nothing wrong in the first place?" I should point out that very few people actually say this, I just pretend that's what everyone thinks.) But I'm doing things. It's all okay.

Sorry. Just feel the need to hate this and complain sometimes. Also: if I owe you something, I probably don't even remember. *makes whimpery frustrated noises* SOON! SOMEDAY! Gah. Don't hate me. /pathetic

2. In other news, (er, in case for any reason I'm your source of news), OMGWTF!! You now get 100 icons! with a permanent account! *flails* I really want to re-do that poll and see how that changes the picture of who's buying one, because I'm scientifically curious nosy and can't make decisions for my own damned self, but am LAZY. Comment, please!

3. Does anyone possibly want to go with me to the Montreal Jazz Festival from July 6-9? (Wednesday-Saturday). I've been offered an APARTMENT! My dad will probably be there, so you'll have to share a bed with meeee (or, like, sleep on the floor, although I promise I won't accidentally molest you). I say possibly, because I'm not entirely sure yet if I'm going, or if I can bring a friend with me to the apartment I've been offered, but lemme know if you might want to!

4. JOY!

1. I got "promoted" and got another small raise! I now train people and have authority and stuff. Still no benefits, but feel appreciated. And... really surprised that my boss is thwarting the wage freeze. Also, truly pathetic, because it didn't really make me happy. All I could think was how tired I was, and how exhausting it is to be on my feet all day, and how now I have less of a 'they don't pay me enough!' reason to ever leave. I FAIL AT JOY! *mocks self* The joy will hit me soon, I am sure!

2. I like my skirt.

3. There was food in the fridge when I got home, and I have a father who reminds me "You were going to get something to eat" three or four times when it's clear I've forgotten.

4. SUN on my break.

things I did well:

1. Went to work.

2. Didn't freak out (obviously) when I made the wrong call and closed the wrong register, or when they threw lots of random new policies at me.

3. Earned my raise with lots and lots of training today.

4. Was actually quite joyful and very joy-seeming while at work today, although you can't really tell now.

5. I like numbered lists. :)

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