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05 June 2005 @ 10:05 pm
keeping up.  
I'm having a hard time, but I know why. I'm pushing myself harder and that always brings an obnoxious period of adjustment in which I just want to diieeeee (yes, that dramatically, in fact. imagine me swooning with a hand over my forehead.) for how I feel all tired and nauseous and icky all the time. It will lessen again, I hope, or I'll come up with some other solution, but right now I'm feeling stretched in too many directions and it's unfun.

I've been reassured recently that no one can tell I'm sick, even on some days when I feel awful and think I must be coming off as unbelievably cranky and tired and stupid and useless. So yay! I've gotten good at projecting a second skin, which is necessary at work and which I feel is necessary the rest of the time in order not to be a drag on my friends and family. So, it's good, but it takes so much energy. Plus... then no one believes me when I say "No, I need to sleep. I can't do that." Because I don't look sick. (Yes, that's the point. If I worked more hours or hung out with you every time you wanted or did everything I should WISH I could do, then I would look sick. And be of no use to you at all. Trust me.)

So I've been practicing saying "yes" and pushing that edge between what I can't do and what is just uncomfortable to do. When I run myself closer to the bone I start having scary thoughts, thoughts like "WHAT IF THE DOCTORS ARE RIGHT!? WHAT IF THIS NEVER GETS BETTER? WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO!??" (or, the flip side, "What if everyone's right and I really should be able to do everything because I'm really not sick? JUST LAZY!? If I can't fix it, does that mean there's nothing wrong in the first place?" I should point out that very few people actually say this, I just pretend that's what everyone thinks.) But I'm doing things. It's all okay.

Sorry. Just feel the need to hate this and complain sometimes. Also: if I owe you something, I probably don't even remember. *makes whimpery frustrated noises* SOON! SOMEDAY! Gah. Don't hate me. /pathetic

2. In other news, (er, in case for any reason I'm your source of news), OMGWTF!! You now get 100 icons! with a permanent account! *flails* I really want to re-do that poll and see how that changes the picture of who's buying one, because I'm scientifically curious nosy and can't make decisions for my own damned self, but am LAZY. Comment, please!

3. Does anyone possibly want to go with me to the Montreal Jazz Festival from July 6-9? (Wednesday-Saturday). I've been offered an APARTMENT! My dad will probably be there, so you'll have to share a bed with meeee (or, like, sleep on the floor, although I promise I won't accidentally molest you). I say possibly, because I'm not entirely sure yet if I'm going, or if I can bring a friend with me to the apartment I've been offered, but lemme know if you might want to!

4. JOY!

1. I got "promoted" and got another small raise! I now train people and have authority and stuff. Still no benefits, but feel appreciated. And... really surprised that my boss is thwarting the wage freeze. Also, truly pathetic, because it didn't really make me happy. All I could think was how tired I was, and how exhausting it is to be on my feet all day, and how now I have less of a 'they don't pay me enough!' reason to ever leave. I FAIL AT JOY! *mocks self* The joy will hit me soon, I am sure!

2. I like my skirt.

3. There was food in the fridge when I got home, and I have a father who reminds me "You were going to get something to eat" three or four times when it's clear I've forgotten.

4. SUN on my break.

things I did well:

1. Went to work.

2. Didn't freak out (obviously) when I made the wrong call and closed the wrong register, or when they threw lots of random new policies at me.

3. Earned my raise with lots and lots of training today.

4. Was actually quite joyful and very joy-seeming while at work today, although you can't really tell now.

5. I like numbered lists. :)
feel: draineddrained
hear: "Manic Star" - Conjure One
One Whose Honesty is Stronger Than Her Fear: mmmmamilyn on June 6th, 2005 03:35 am (UTC)

I send you mystical magical Chakotay hands, and a picture thereof.

Love you.

Wish you weren't so tired and didn't feel like crap.
Little Red: trek - first love imzadi - leyennmylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 03:37 am (UTC)
I love love love that I can always count on Amy!reassurance in Chakotay-icon form.

It makes me very sad that my TV doesn't have headphones. I want to watch Star Trek A LOT right now. I think I'd post less "waaaaah! life! ARG!" posts if I made myself watch a Star Trek episode first. :)
(no subject) - amilyn on June 6th, 2005 03:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - speshulduck on June 6th, 2005 07:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - amilyn on June 6th, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - amilyn on June 6th, 2005 12:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
lavidaessueno on June 6th, 2005 03:45 am (UTC)
speaking as someone who feels dizzy and nauseous half the time - literally - I can relate. I hate having to always say "maybe" and back out on things at the last minute.

Little Red: sga - cute when sick - duckadorkmylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC)
Oh no! *hugs you* I'm so sorry, that sounds positively evil.

But yes. I hate always backing out of things and becoming the unreliable friend. (Also hate making myself go to stuff that should be fun, and fun is good for me, and then only pretending it's fun because OMG WANT TO BE SLEEPING.) I think I've gotten bored of always having the same damned excuse. :)

*friends you*
(no subject) - lavidaessueno on June 7th, 2005 03:34 am (UTC) (Expand)
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Little Red: sga - cute when sick - duckadorkmylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:22 pm (UTC)
GAH! Evil! *hugs you* I hate the "Oh, there's nothing wrong with you, I feel tired sometimes, too. You should get more sleep/get more exercise/eat better." (Thanks. Hadn't thought of that.)

Thanks so much for the support. :) I have to remember that about not pushing myself to breaking, because that's just scary and bad. I feel like I should be old hat at this by now, but sometimes I just want it all to hurry the hell up and improve faster, already. *deep breath*

Are you still sick? Or are you better and stuff?
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 03:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
entertaining in a disturbing waylyssie on June 6th, 2005 04:25 am (UTC)

Dude, I still say don't buy a permanent account.
Little Red: sg - sekrit robot gf - thefakeheadlinemylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:25 pm (UTC)
You're right, of course. I just... just... icons! And limited time offer! I'm such a sucker. *agonizes*

We all need sugar daddies, y0.
Rose Wilde-Irish: Rodney and Radekrosewildeirish on June 6th, 2005 04:40 am (UTC)
*loves you* One day at a time. Things will get better. Promise.
Little Red: sga - ford/teyla! - thefakeheadlinemylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:27 pm (UTC)
You're so nice to meeeeee an' my whining. :)

And yes, they will. I've been through this cycle enough times to know that's true. It's just sucky now. *grits teeth and goes forth*

(Hey, I just realized that your new OTP totally frees up Sheppard/Weir and Ford/Teyla. WHEEE! Everyone is paired off now, we can all go home. Hee. Oh, wait... er... *throws Beckett and Heightmeyer together to complete the set*)
if i could, i'd punch you into paralysis!: Lizzie's thinking (alina_kalime)grenadine on June 6th, 2005 04:51 am (UTC)
Aww, sorry you're feeling bad. :( *sends hugs and offers fluffy fic* Here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/summer_cadence/22227.html (terrible at html!)
Little Red: sg - fluffier than thou - lyssiemylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:28 pm (UTC)
I love your fluffy fiiiiiiiccc!!!
fycaidle_dreamer on June 6th, 2005 06:20 am (UTC)
100 icons??? HOLY FUCK. *seriously considers getting a permanent account*

I'm sorry you are feeling icky & joyless. I can offer nothing more than the following combination of symbols floating around in cyberspace: *hugs*

Damn...100 icons...mmmm
Little Red: sga - sw incomplete - thetoofstermylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the cybersymbols!!

AND 100 ICONS! OMG! I KNOW! 100 icons forever!

I think I will have to play with my calculator some more and figure out how this is somehow fiscally viable. Yes.
w0lfstarw0lfstar on June 6th, 2005 07:37 am (UTC)
Just finished writing a post, read yours and realized that we really are just in synch right now. I'm not sure if this is good or bad (well, right now bad since both of us are in bad illness stages, but you know what I mean). You seem to be doing a better job of the joy thing than me today, but maybe I have come across happier than I feel, so *shrugs*. Anyway, *hugs you and loves* feel better!

On a TOTALLY DIFFERENT note: omg, permanent accounts let you have 100 pics?!?! How awesome is that?! I still so can't afford one, but one day in the future when I am a rich veterinarian/doctor (depending) I so will!
Little Red: trek - naomi wildman - jen717mylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC)
*laughs* I guess that's proof that I do seem better than I feel! Although, so do you, because you sounded fairly sane about it all yourself, if justifiably frustrated as hell. And you are in a MUCH worse place to be than I am, because I've gotten used to it and seen these cycles before and can look back and go "Oh, yeah, a year ago I used to want to break down in the face of a flight of stairs, and now I don't even think about that anymore." You've already got a few big accomplishments (OMG, you packed up YOUR APARTMENT), but you'll get more soon. :)

YES. Yes. They might come on sale again in two or three years, at which point I'll probably both no longer be on LJ *and* have money. Something like that. but I want it NOOOOW! I'll get over it. :)
(no subject) - w0lfstar on June 7th, 2005 03:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 7th, 2005 03:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - w0lfstar on June 7th, 2005 03:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 7th, 2005 01:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - w0lfstar on June 8th, 2005 10:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 8th, 2005 11:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - w0lfstar on June 8th, 2005 11:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 8th, 2005 11:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - w0lfstar on June 9th, 2005 12:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
I'm not very interesting: Weir not okayastropoet on June 6th, 2005 09:09 am (UTC)
100 icons! 100.. what would I do with them? I think I have too many at 40, hmmm time for a clear out..

But Sachiii.... *hugs* You and Wolfstar just needs lots of hugs, wish I could be over there and actually do more than post hugs in lj!

I would love to come to Montreal with you, but I'm too far away I think, on the other side of the pond!
Little Red: go west little red - besydmylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:43 pm (UTC)
NEVER have enough ICONSSSSS!! *covets* Anyway.

And awww, your LJ-hugs are good and awesome! :) Thank you!!

And yes, prolly a bit far for Montreal. Alas. It's also possible I'll give in to my desire to not go (but I SHOULD! must pounce on new experiences and opportunities! argh.), so we'll see. :)
Lisa Yaegerlisayaeger on June 6th, 2005 10:46 am (UTC)
A raise! YAY!!!!! ThaT's awesome :-)
Little Red: gleee! - nenyamylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:44 pm (UTC)
SO AWESOME!! I can totally break even on my health insurance now! :)
Jara Dax: Lusty Heathen: garfield hugswoodface on June 6th, 2005 10:59 am (UTC)
*smooooooooooooooooooooches* Complain all you want, hon. *snuggles*

Dude, I want a permanent account, but I don't have the means to get it. 100 icons sounds sooooo good. And you can bet your ass the prizes will be up again next time they sell them.
Little Red: trek - naomi wildman - jen717mylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC)
Awwwww, thank you! I always feel guilty for complaining (especially after my sister -- who's no longer on LJ for this reason -- went on a HUGE TEAR about how people post inane whiny crap about their lives. I'm all "... what else is LJ for? Wasn't that the point?"). *tackles and loves*

And dude. OMG. 100 icons. *swoons and covets* But you're right -- they'll probably offer it up again in a few years. I just want it NOOOWWW because I have no way of knowing if I'll still care in three years. (And, er, that's probably a pretty good sign that I shouldn't get an account, but, *mutters*.)

Yay, public indecisiveness!
(no subject) - woodface on June 6th, 2005 02:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - woodface on June 6th, 2005 03:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 03:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - woodface on June 6th, 2005 03:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 03:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - woodface on June 6th, 2005 04:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on June 7th, 2005 03:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
you're thinking of mr wizard: wuv heartcleverocity on June 6th, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC)
I totally want to go to Jazz Festival thingers with you. Even if you couldn't have anyone else to sleep there, probably I could come for a day and then go home to mine own bed, because I don't live that far from Montréal, really. Probably I couldn't come for more than a day anyway, in fact. But it would be a super-fun day!

Yay for a raise! And authority, and appreciation!
Little Red: gleee! - nenyamylittleredgirl on June 6th, 2005 02:49 pm (UTC)
OOOOOH! YES!! We should definitely meet up in Montreal, then! :)

The gleee from my raise has finally hit me, I think. Mostly cuz I calculated new exciting budgetness, and I might actually be able to stop mooching off my parents to pay my health insurance. YAY.

Aaaaand, since today's the first day my raise applies, I should probably actually *go* to work and not call in. Right? Right. *drags self into shower and clothes*
Nikenikej on June 6th, 2005 03:47 pm (UTC)
*snuggles you belatedly on one of many quick-whizzes through LJ*

Whine all you like and we will luff you better, dammit. ;) Hope you feel less icky. :*
Little Red: trek - naomi wildman - jen717mylittleredgirl on June 7th, 2005 03:31 am (UTC)
Awww, thank you!!! I appreciate that a lot. :) I feel guilty for whining, but sometimes it's just necessary, you know? And then people are awesome, and yay, and I feel better. GLEEEE.

*hugs you*
A.j.: hugsaj on June 6th, 2005 07:24 pm (UTC)
*loves you*

You will always be my regularbestfriend1!!!1 You should know this! And I will email you soon! I just suck at it. And have to do house things today. *sucks more*

::loves you::
Little Red: sga - lizzie stronger - liminallizmylittleredgirl on June 7th, 2005 03:32 am (UTC)
We are friends because we suck in separate and equal ways. :) SOON!!! Argh. And I meant to send you money FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY which was insanely long ago. (But not as long ago as liminalliz's birthday, and I haven't mailed her present yet).

We can send each other Very Short Emails?

espirk: D/R Love; katrin_follyespirk on June 6th, 2005 08:21 pm (UTC)
If you do head off to Montreal, keep Sylvia Tremblay's DRR fic, Rontenatanónhnha in mind! John and Monica loose in Montreal!

Congrats on raise and training people! *huggles* for the sicky feelings...
Little Red: xf - drr forever - Carolinamylittleredgirl on June 7th, 2005 03:34 am (UTC)
HA! I totally thought of that and went "huh, I wonder if Kristine went with me, if we'd spend the whole time giggling about John and Monica, like that's the only thing that has ever happened in Montreal. And it didn't even really happen!"
(no subject) - espirk on June 7th, 2005 03:45 am (UTC) (Expand)