Little Red (mylittleredgirl) wrote,
Little Red

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today, the letter V

(My mother is teaching herself Spanish. That is apparently the Spanish meaning of the exclamation "oi vey." I said I would make it the subject of my next post, regardless of content, for reasons I now forget. That's all.)

This is getting-it-off-my-chest whining, FYI. Feel free to skip.

It's frustrating to constantly have to remind my family that I exist differently in the world than they do when I am in a relapse-y phase. My father has a cold this week, and so is all, "Yeah, it's hard to be sick and still work, but I don't have a choice," which makes me think he's getting frustrated with me again. I came up with a Brilliant New Plan (all my plans are Brilliant New Plans, but I have hope that this one might actually work! Maybe!) to increase my productivity with the energy that I have, and my mother, though supportive, was all "You don't have a JOB. How can you possibly have 'all these things to get done'?" I reminded her that brushing my teeth and getting dressed and making myself a plate of food are big things that might not get done if I don't budget my energy properly. I hate having to say that, though, because then I feel like I'm reinforcing my illness by constantly saying "NO, I'M SICK, I CAN'T DO THINGS!" just to keep the expectations from being pushed too high, instead of focusing thought and energy on getting better and the things I can do.

The truth is, I should just keep these New Plans to myself, though I was hoping that bringing it up would mellow out some of the again mounting family frustration that I've been sensing (and I like to show off my organizational ski11z!). My mother asked to be left in the loop this time, but it still manages to make me feel like I should be doing MORE, when I started off the evening being pretty damned proud of even this much. How can anyone really be expected to sympathize -- or cheer when I manage to leave the house twice in one day, omg -- when all they see is that they have to work all day and I don't? (So they are legitimately tired and deserve to do things like watch TV.) It doesn't seem to be possible to get them to really imagine what it feels like. I don't know. I always want to do things, especially these things, by myself... but it's very hard to do them alone.

Hence the ranting on LJ, I suppose.

But my New Plan is sparkly! And if it works long enough to reach a day when I have energy to explain it, I may have to share my new life-organizational ski11z on here. :)

I was all relatively productive today!

5 good things about today:


2. Hanging out at Chocolate Springs with mystic_isles And Insignificant Other and hearing all about her exciting phone-interview-thing, omg!

3. Really pretty sky unexpectedly hidden between storm clouds.

4. Lots of new Sheppard/Weir fic still to read.

5. iCal is THE BEST PROGRAM EVER OMG, with a million thanks to spockette for tipping me off about the compulsive organizational multicolored goldmine right on my very own computer.

3 things I did well:

1. Did little things off to-do list when I had energy that seemed much less massive after they were done!

2. Went to accupuncturist and then went out again when sister called, yay.

3. Met. A. Deadline. without any flailing or tears, which might actually be a lifetime first. The fact that it is fanfic is so unimportant. I am buying myself a dorky ribbon the next time I'm at Michael's.

2 things I'm looking forward to doing (better) tomorrow:

1. More conscious evaluation of energy as part of SHINY PLAN.

2. Something else off the to-do list before Serenity with real humans!

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