Thank you to everyone who left hugs and support and stuff about Angel. :( I could never have expected how much losing my dog would hit me, I guess. I mean, I felt awful for espirk and snarky_freak when their dog died, but I really didn't understand it until now, because I really couldn't imagine it. I'm not sure what to say. I'm almost not sure who I am anymore, which sounds really bizarre. I wish there was a way to compose these thoughts into something ordered that would make sense (and wouldn't sound completely insane). The world just feels very lonely (and very unsafe, because omg, I lack a big dog that can scare bad people away!). I understand why people run out and get puppies when their dogs die, because when I feel like this, all I want is to hug my dog. :) And it's REALLY WEIRD to think that I am a person without a dog. People can't give you the same kind of love, you know? And not having that waiting for me at home, that kind of unconditional "I will be big and furry and adore you even when you have really screwed up!" that Angel was RIDICULOUSLY good at (most patient dog EVER!), makes me feel... I don't know. Like I really have to grow up now and handle everything by myself without fucking up anymore, because I'm not loved that much anymore, and don't have that emotional safety net. I told you I couldn't really explain it!
And it doesn't even seem real yet. It's so weird! My dog can't be dead! I've had this dog for almost nine years! And I'm ridiculously guilty about not having been here for her, because my dog died alone, and I was all the way across the country and I didn't even know. (My parents insists that she died quickly and peacefully -- she had been hiking and everything the day before -- and that my mother bonded with her the night before, and my mother is convinced that Angel "planned it this way" and "wanted it this way" and stuff...) Arg. So yes. Sad and grieving and stuff.
Now, the other other reason my life is a bit overwhelming right now -- I'm moving! Apparently, as a grownup, you call this "relocating." Either way, I'm going to pack up my stuff and drive across the country in the middle of November, get a TOWNHOUSE OF GLEEE in Portland, Oregon with w0lfstar, get a job, and hope that the clean air out West will cure me good. I wasn't going to do this right away, but my family is all "omfg do it NOW!" because there is no opportunity where I am, and I'm not healthy enough to go back to Brown next semester. Angel dying was part of this too -- not only because it increased the sense of "OMFG I CANNOT STAY HERE!" (I don't agree with people who say that running away from grief is a bad course of action -- I mean, sure, it catches up with you, but a lot of the intensity has burnt itself out by the time it gets there). Also because a lot of the reason I was staying was to be home with her this winter when my parents go south to Be Retired One Month A Year.
Anyway, WESTWARD HO! This is very, very exciting, though a bit of a leap of faith, because I've been so sick lately and, you know, STILL AM, arg. My dad says to think of this as my "year off from Brown" (discounting all the other Years Off spent ill, I guess), but I'm thinking of it as a real-world experiment. The thing that scares me most about having a chronic illness -- and contributes quite a bit to the depression and panic and such, I'm sure -- is the dependence. I can't be financially dependent on my parents forever. SOMEHOW, I'm going to have to take care of myself in my adulthood (I am just not considering the possibility that I won't be able to, because I will
So, yay!! In the next THREE WEEKS OMG (er, it was four before I slept through this whole week!) I'll go through everything I own and downsize it again, pack it all into my car and boxes, investigate hooking a roof-rack onto my gleee!car, and do otherwise prep-ish things. Like try to get over this chest cold of doom, and flail about whether or not I can actually leave my snow tires here since I will be moving to Portland, and also try to find out where The World's Largest Ball Of String is, because I think any trip across the country will be SADLY LACKING if we do not stop and see that. I will hopefully road-trip with mystic_isles000, unless she can't get off work or, you know, doesn't want to drive for days and days. I don't know that I'd mind going alone (with the Evil Russian Goldfish and Hermiod), actually, though it would be really fun to do with someone else and clearly much saner to split the driving. If Gira and I don't make this our Rolling Caravan of Star Trek Geekiness In Every State trip, I'll try to figure out how many of you people I could stop and see. (The I-80 looks like it goes right through Joliet, and if I go The Other Way around Lake Erie, Meg and Amanda aren't far off. And then I hit Nebraska and no longer know people. Or, at least, no longer know that I know people.) :) Bwahahaha. I love randomly moving. And I'm going to learn how to SHIP THINGS, at which point THE WORLD WILL BE MY OYSTER. *is somewhat delirious with fever* (NO, this doesn't count as me planning to take over Russia!)
I was going to continue this post and expound upon THE UTTER AND TOTAL GLEEE that is the first-season DVD set of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, but I will save that gleee for a day with more brain. But yes -- my gleee lists for the days I have been absent have been entirely taken up with the 100% squeee content that is Lois & Clark.
I will now attempt to not panic about how I have to do aura photography in the morning and try to sleep. And resist the urge to watch more Lois & Clark.