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22 October 2005 @ 10:34 pm
heavy things I could not see  
Erg. Have been sick since I got back from Oregon with an evil chest cold that has flared up all other CFIDS-like things, making me rather too dead to play on the intarweb. If I have missed anything that you will be Very Sad that I won't see, please let me know. And, er, maybe! That goes for the near future as well, because I'm not sure when the fog will clear. I'm very behind on checking comments and emails and stuff, too. *blanket apology*

Thank you to everyone who left hugs and support and stuff about Angel. :( I could never have expected how much losing my dog would hit me, I guess. I mean, I felt awful for espirk and snarky_freak when their dog died, but I really didn't understand it until now, because I really couldn't imagine it. I'm not sure what to say. I'm almost not sure who I am anymore, which sounds really bizarre. I wish there was a way to compose these thoughts into something ordered that would make sense (and wouldn't sound completely insane). The world just feels very lonely (and very unsafe, because omg, I lack a big dog that can scare bad people away!). I understand why people run out and get puppies when their dogs die, because when I feel like this, all I want is to hug my dog. :) And it's REALLY WEIRD to think that I am a person without a dog. People can't give you the same kind of love, you know? And not having that waiting for me at home, that kind of unconditional "I will be big and furry and adore you even when you have really screwed up!" that Angel was RIDICULOUSLY good at (most patient dog EVER!), makes me feel... I don't know. Like I really have to grow up now and handle everything by myself without fucking up anymore, because I'm not loved that much anymore, and don't have that emotional safety net. I told you I couldn't really explain it!

And it doesn't even seem real yet. It's so weird! My dog can't be dead! I've had this dog for almost nine years! And I'm ridiculously guilty about not having been here for her, because my dog died alone, and I was all the way across the country and I didn't even know. (My parents insists that she died quickly and peacefully -- she had been hiking and everything the day before -- and that my mother bonded with her the night before, and my mother is convinced that Angel "planned it this way" and "wanted it this way" and stuff...) Arg. So yes. Sad and grieving and stuff.

***

Now, the other other reason my life is a bit overwhelming right now -- I'm moving! Apparently, as a grownup, you call this "relocating." Either way, I'm going to pack up my stuff and drive across the country in the middle of November, get a TOWNHOUSE OF GLEEE in Portland, Oregon with w0lfstar, get a job, and hope that the clean air out West will cure me good. I wasn't going to do this right away, but my family is all "omfg do it NOW!" because there is no opportunity where I am, and I'm not healthy enough to go back to Brown next semester. Angel dying was part of this too -- not only because it increased the sense of "OMFG I CANNOT STAY HERE!" (I don't agree with people who say that running away from grief is a bad course of action -- I mean, sure, it catches up with you, but a lot of the intensity has burnt itself out by the time it gets there). Also because a lot of the reason I was staying was to be home with her this winter when my parents go south to Be Retired One Month A Year.

Anyway, WESTWARD HO! This is very, very exciting, though a bit of a leap of faith, because I've been so sick lately and, you know, STILL AM, arg. My dad says to think of this as my "year off from Brown" (discounting all the other Years Off spent ill, I guess), but I'm thinking of it as a real-world experiment. The thing that scares me most about having a chronic illness -- and contributes quite a bit to the depression and panic and such, I'm sure -- is the dependence. I can't be financially dependent on my parents forever. SOMEHOW, I'm going to have to take care of myself in my adulthood (I am just not considering the possibility that I won't be able to, because I will OFF MYSELF have to marry the next creepy old man who asks me in an airport). Sitting around waiting for myself to get better really hasn't worked, so now I need to find a way to actually survive being sick, financially and energetically and everything. If I can? BIGGEST SACHI GLEEE PARTY EVER. Y'all are invited.

So, yay!! In the next THREE WEEKS OMG (er, it was four before I slept through this whole week!) I'll go through everything I own and downsize it again, pack it all into my car and boxes, investigate hooking a roof-rack onto my gleee!car, and do otherwise prep-ish things. Like try to get over this chest cold of doom, and flail about whether or not I can actually leave my snow tires here since I will be moving to Portland, and also try to find out where The World's Largest Ball Of String is, because I think any trip across the country will be SADLY LACKING if we do not stop and see that. I will hopefully road-trip with mystic_isles000, unless she can't get off work or, you know, doesn't want to drive for days and days. I don't know that I'd mind going alone (with the Evil Russian Goldfish and Hermiod), actually, though it would be really fun to do with someone else and clearly much saner to split the driving. If Gira and I don't make this our Rolling Caravan of Star Trek Geekiness In Every State trip, I'll try to figure out how many of you people I could stop and see. (The I-80 looks like it goes right through Joliet, and if I go The Other Way around Lake Erie, Meg and Amanda aren't far off. And then I hit Nebraska and no longer know people. Or, at least, no longer know that I know people.) :) Bwahahaha. I love randomly moving. And I'm going to learn how to SHIP THINGS, at which point THE WORLD WILL BE MY OYSTER. *is somewhat delirious with fever* (NO, this doesn't count as me planning to take over Russia!)

***

I was going to continue this post and expound upon THE UTTER AND TOTAL GLEEE that is the first-season DVD set of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, but I will save that gleee for a day with more brain. But yes -- my gleee lists for the days I have been absent have been entirely taken up with the 100% squeee content that is Lois & Clark.

I will now attempt to not panic about how I have to do aura photography in the morning and try to sleep. And resist the urge to watch more Lois & Clark.
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Little Redmylittleredgirl on October 23rd, 2005 05:01 am (UTC)
*makes note to bring hiking boots*

I am allergic to coffee! Will I be forced to leave if I drink tea instead? Or should I always just go "oh, no thanks! I just had a cup at home... with my very own espresso machine... errr..."
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on October 23rd, 2005 05:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
Pooh: Gahh!!! (by raelala)mspooh on October 23rd, 2005 05:06 am (UTC)
Admit it! You're just trying to get as far away from the NJ Pike as possible! I'm onto you, omg. Bitch, I can't believe you're leaving me on the East Coast by myself. But omg, I'm so jealous at you relocating. I've wanted to do it for so long, but alas, my faith is not quite as awesome as yours. *snuggles* But this is good. We can conquer the world from both sides of the country! *nods* I've never been to Oregon before, so I insist that when we finally have our arts&craft&snark session, it'll be over there. *glees*

Little Red: sga - sw don't leave - jr_moonmylittleredgirl on October 23rd, 2005 05:18 am (UTC)
COME WIIIITH MEEEE!! You have your Master! Of! Science! now and everything!! Now's the perfect time to tag onto my gypsy-like foolishness and relocate! *prods you to expand your job search to Portland*

Errr... maybe I can come visit for crafty gleee before I go? Except you might beat me with things for still not having my recap. OMG BRAIN DEATH. Can we change our screen names and run away now?
(no subject) - phrenitis on October 23rd, 2005 05:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on October 23rd, 2005 05:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phrenitis on October 23rd, 2005 05:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on October 24th, 2005 01:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mspooh on October 25th, 2005 07:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phrenitis on October 25th, 2005 09:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mspooh on October 25th, 2005 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - phrenitis on October 26th, 2005 07:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
Ryuu: penni_ann: Hermiodsnarkkarma_aster on October 23rd, 2005 05:07 am (UTC)
(meekly)Um...well, I, er sortawroteficforyoutocheeryouupandstuff.

But you can take your time getting to it. I know you're busy.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on October 23rd, 2005 05:15 am (UTC)
OMG!! You did? You are the absolute coolest!! *pounces and snuggles and loves!* Eeee. I will read it as bedtime story (and then read it again in the morning so it, like, makes sense).

Thanks for pointing it out to me! *gleee*
dark_cygnet: cygnetdark_cygnet on October 23rd, 2005 05:22 am (UTC)
Really sounds like the next stage of your life is starting and Oregon is a beautiful place to be. I think you made perfect sense talking about Angel, don't see it as running from your grief at all, but rather runnning towards something and Angel was the catalyst. You strike me as a strong person, maybe not physically, but certainly in other areas and you're rich in friends who will help you along the way. I think you'll do just fine.

Lois and Clark. I loved that show! A gleeful thing, indeed.
Phrenitis: lost myself (bluesuzanne)phrenitis on October 23rd, 2005 05:32 am (UTC)
My dog died when I was away at college, and I had entire months of meltdowns (which seems so little time after his fourteen years of being my bestest friend *sad*)... an entire lifetime of childhood is stored away in pet relationships like that, and there is much awakening and rearranging and aloneness when it's gone. *snuggles* And I think your mom is right... it sounds like she was very happy and went peacefully, and that is always of the good. :)

Also, OMFG WEST COAST! I remember not too long ago you were all "omfg west coast eek!" and now look at you Miss Adventure and Moving To The Prettiest State Ever. Plus my roommate is from Portland and damn if I'm not going to find a way to visit her parents one of these days. *la*
MegTDJ: Teryl Blank - purple_shoesmeg_tdj on October 23rd, 2005 05:39 am (UTC)
Dude, you might be able to come HERE?!?!?! *skips for joy* :D

I hope you feel better soon! *snuggles* And good luck with, you know, preparations and stuff. I'd say good luck with the move, but it would make more sense to say that closer to the time. ;)
Little Red: sga - canadian man - elly427mylittleredgirl on October 23rd, 2005 05:49 am (UTC)
Maybe! I really didn't think of it until I started plugging in places I'd ideally like to stop into mapquest to see how far out of my way it would be. :) Once I started thinking about DAYS AND DAYS of driving across the country, you seem so close to me!!

All depends on the plans, because I wouldn't want to descend on you with my sister in tow, but if I end up traveling alone I'll most likely want to stop and see people along the way. Yay!
(no subject) - meg_tdj on October 23rd, 2005 05:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
Amanda: sga -- indescretionslifelongfling on October 23rd, 2005 05:46 am (UTC)
*perks up*

I saw my name.....visit me! And hopefully see Over the Rhine!!
A.j.aj on October 23rd, 2005 05:58 am (UTC)
ACK! *CRIES*

Not that you'll be any more far away than you are like... NOW. What with airplanes and such, but. ACK!!! *CLINGS*

If you need to stop in Chicago, PLEASE DO. I will house you and let you sleep in my room - NO CATS! - and take you for Thai food?

(This means you're missing Squee Con, right? *sad* Ah, well! Now I have an excuse to go to Oregon!)
lillyjklillyjk on October 23rd, 2005 07:39 am (UTC)
I just wanted to drop you a quick note to say that losing my childhood dog was very traumatic for me. We grew up together, and that's still one of the losses that I remember the most in my life. That said, congrats on relocating and the new digs. I think everyone should make a huge move at least once in their life and start over fresh. I did it at 22 and it really helped shape my life.
fyca: DRR hugfyca on October 23rd, 2005 08:33 am (UTC)
That was one of the best explanation I've ever read about what it feels like to lose a pet. It totally makes sense, but I can see that there's more to it than you can possibly articulate. *more hugs*

***

OMG. You are moving out here that soon? How much do I have to pay to get an audience with you? I'm leaving just before xmas, so that gives us some time to play with. Ding and DS will be soooo jealous!

Hiking boots! Yay!
nhawk: lantis - j/e - oceannhawk on October 23rd, 2005 09:27 am (UTC)
Talking as someone who has recently moved (er, relocated!), to the coast, as you know, I can say with confidence that relocating is the best thing to do when you are stuck in a rut. I also understanding about running away from grief and I agree that is not a bad thing at all. Although of course it doesn't just go away, but it helps. Part of the reason I decided to up and move away was because my grandad died. There were lots of other reasons as well.

To put it another way, moving rocks! I hope you are very happy in Oregon. Lots of cool, arty, writer type people live there. And it's on the left ocean! You will have such a great time. :D *gleehug*
Clyde: l&c by louisemcgregor mamasuzvoy on October 23rd, 2005 09:55 am (UTC)
*hugs you hard*
Sarah (aka Smish): Atlantis - Torri - He Beats Us!smishpixie on October 23rd, 2005 10:06 am (UTC)
Moving is fun! Well the excitement of moving is fun... and the fact that you know someone there will make it more fun than my moving was!

And OMG Lois and Clark! I used to love that show! :-)
I'm not very interestingastropoet on October 23rd, 2005 11:17 am (UTC)
So lucky!!!! *wails* North-West Coast of the USA! I loved it there, in Washington State, Oregon is lovely too... and Sheryl too.... Glad you'll be there for each other. *nods* is good.
I'm not very interestingastropoet on October 23rd, 2005 11:18 am (UTC)
And sorry about dog... My cat died a few years ago and I was devastated. I've also lost dogs too, they really get into your heart... *cuddles and loves muchly*