Little Red (mylittleredgirl) wrote,
Little Red

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OMG, I fail at life and cling to LJ.

Okay, I really don't. But this is my second day off work now, and I swore to them I'd be in today (such that they cancelled the temp because they trusted me!), and I know I can't help it Because I Am Sick With Freaky Illness BUT THAT IS EXACTLY THE POINT.

*deep breath*

My boss was extremely understanding (probably because it sounded like I was crying on the phone, but I really wasn't! Just in pain!), but what this comes down to is I DON'T WANT TO BE "THE SICK ONE" ANYMORE, and, more importantly, I HATE NOT BEING PERFECT. I look at my track record of sick days (like two a MONTH so far -- which is vaaaastly better than not being able to work at all, but NO ONE else at my job has taken a single sick day, and my coworkers make all kinds of snide comments and stuff).

This is a hot button for me -- not being able to control my own body. I can't make it not feel like I haven't majorly screwed up (I should have found some way to sleep or eat or BE more perfectly so that this stupid sickness doesn't come back with all its evil new fibro side effects or otherwise!). And my habit and temptation is to quit my job and hide away again because no one else should have to deal with my imperfections, and I don't want to wait around as they are Disappointed In Me or fire me or whatever, and it is very hard for me to just STAY and make it be up to them. Because I am really good at my job, and they think I have a future (even if I doubt it a bit on days when I am crawling around my apartment because I have no energy to STAND UP), and so far no one has even muttered about finding someone more reliable. (I just think that they should, though I don't say anything, because it sucks that anyone else has to suffer for my physical... flakiness.)

I was thinking yesterday that real estate is actually an incredibly good field for me, should I decide to get into resale, because the hours are so negotiable and I can choose the amount of new work to take on based on how I'm feeling any given season. So there is Hope For Me Yet. I just need to stick with it, and resist the urge to break my body in two for what it's doing to me. ;)

But I'm not a control freak or anything. *sigh*

Okay, maybe I've just successfully reassured myself. *staples self to job* NOT QUITTING. (I'm putting that up on the wall next to the big sign that says "SACHI, DON'T SCREW WITH YOUR BRAIN MEDS".)
Tags: evil mono of doom, life: working girl

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