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26 May 2006 @ 09:31 am
OMG, I fail at life and cling to LJ.

Okay, I really don't. But this is my second day off work now, and I swore to them I'd be in today (such that they cancelled the temp because they trusted me!), and I know I can't help it Because I Am Sick With Freaky Illness BUT THAT IS EXACTLY THE POINT.

*deep breath*

My boss was extremely understanding (probably because it sounded like I was crying on the phone, but I really wasn't! Just in pain!), but what this comes down to is I DON'T WANT TO BE "THE SICK ONE" ANYMORE, and, more importantly, I HATE NOT BEING PERFECT. I look at my track record of sick days (like two a MONTH so far -- which is vaaaastly better than not being able to work at all, but NO ONE else at my job has taken a single sick day, and my coworkers make all kinds of snide comments and stuff).

This is a hot button for me -- not being able to control my own body. I can't make it not feel like I haven't majorly screwed up (I should have found some way to sleep or eat or BE more perfectly so that this stupid sickness doesn't come back with all its evil new fibro side effects or otherwise!). And my habit and temptation is to quit my job and hide away again because no one else should have to deal with my imperfections, and I don't want to wait around as they are Disappointed In Me or fire me or whatever, and it is very hard for me to just STAY and make it be up to them. Because I am really good at my job, and they think I have a future (even if I doubt it a bit on days when I am crawling around my apartment because I have no energy to STAND UP), and so far no one has even muttered about finding someone more reliable. (I just think that they should, though I don't say anything, because it sucks that anyone else has to suffer for my physical... flakiness.)

I was thinking yesterday that real estate is actually an incredibly good field for me, should I decide to get into resale, because the hours are so negotiable and I can choose the amount of new work to take on based on how I'm feeling any given season. So there is Hope For Me Yet. I just need to stick with it, and resist the urge to break my body in two for what it's doing to me. ;)

But I'm not a control freak or anything. *sigh*

Okay, maybe I've just successfully reassured myself. *staples self to job* NOT QUITTING. (I'm putting that up on the wall next to the big sign that says "SACHI, DON'T SCREW WITH YOUR BRAIN MEDS".)
feel: frustratedfrustrated
hear: pitter-patter of tiny rat feet
Ryuu: jades_icons: Jackcuddlekarma_aster on May 26th, 2006 05:09 pm (UTC)
It's okay to take sick days when you need them. I know this may shock you, but NO ONE IS PERFECT. You are throughly allowed to get sick and have bad days. You're going to be fine, pooklet.

Want me to write you more knitting-fluff? I totally will, y'know.
Little Red: knitting! - melyannamylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 05:15 pm (UTC)
omgmoreknittingfluff?? *perks up*

See, I don't think anybody else should have to be perfect. ;) But that's just because they're... better than me by default, and I should have to work harder, or something! Oh, the bad brain crack.

Thank you for the reality check. And omgpotentialknittingfluff!
(no subject) - karma_aster on May 26th, 2006 05:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - karma_aster on May 26th, 2006 07:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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Little Red: sga - lizzie bound - ethelineshermanmylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 05:18 pm (UTC)
... I never thought of it that way!

I like to think of my body as something that is trying very very hard, at the very least. But yes! *thumps chest* It will indeed get credit for heart-beating in the future. And anything that keeps me from wanting to starve the badness out of me or any of the other stupid things that make Total And Complete Sense whenever my planets align in an especially retarded way!

You rock so hardcore, dudette. And I totally find myself thinking "NIXON. NOW MORE THAN EVER!" at moments when I'm nowhere even near a computer. :)
(no subject) - meg_tdj on May 26th, 2006 06:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 11:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
lavidaessueno on May 26th, 2006 05:19 pm (UTC)
Sick days are there for a reason. No, really. My mother instilled in me a dislike of people who go to work while ill or send their sick kids to school, thus making sure they infect the largest possible number of people.

You can't help that you're sick, and if you let the stress and guilt over being sick build up, that will just make everything worse. You're doing what you can, which is a whole lot more than you could do a year ago, and that's fantastic. Focus on the positives: you're healthier than you were, you've moved across the country!, you've got an idea of what you'd like to do in the future. You've accomplished a lot--a whole lot--although it's hard to remember that when you're curled up in a little ball :-(
Little Redmylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 06:16 pm (UTC)
*hugs you*
Allie O'N: Thanking God for You by RBalliesings on May 26th, 2006 05:33 pm (UTC)
I don't know how you feel about support groups, but I think you might want to check out a fibro group because from everything I've heard, it is hard work living with it, and you need to allow yourself that. BUT of course do not quit ;)
Little Redmylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 06:18 pm (UTC)
I need to find time to go to the support groups I've looked up for OTHER things! But I hadn't thought of that. Good idea.
dark_cygnet: DC lovedark_cygnet on May 26th, 2006 05:39 pm (UTC)
Dude! Don't quit the job! Sick days are to be used. Please don't beat yourself up. It makes me sad when i read that, as i know what a wonderful, hardworking person you are and if you could only see yourself as others do, you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Yes, i totally agree with what meyerlemon said! You're alive, you're breathing. Stressing yourself out isn't helping you and hey, two days outta of a month are pretty darn good I think! (i suffer from fibro myself, so i understand where you are coming from) Explain to your boss why you need to take these days, s/he sounds very understanding. oh, and spend more time with us. that will make you feel better! *BG* Take care, swansmooches!
Little Redmylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 06:20 pm (UTC)
*hugs you madly liek whoa*

You rock a lot. Thank you. I suppose I could talk to my bosses specifically about the fact that I seem to need recurring sick time (rather than always brushing it off as "a fluke! It won't happen again!"), but I'm afraid that'll force the issue and get me canned! I just want to be 100% at work, zomg. Anyway.

And I totally want to spend more time with youuuuu!!! My life is just not leaving me any time for anything! Alas. But brief respites in LJ-land are nice. :)
I'm not very interestingastropoet on May 26th, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC)
*cuddles you and loves you*

Noone is 100% perfect or has perfect sick leave. I understand, I have endometriosis with hormonal migraines - Hurrah! I used to have 2 sick days a month/4 weeks. I understand how vulnerable that can make you feel. It's kind of sorting itself out now, but I had to go and tell them what was up and get some medical advice. Not sure if you can do that but it did help with me. Is there anyway you could do work at home for example when you feel bad?
Little Redmylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC)
Oh, word and high-five. You should work for an ayurvedic clinic -- they give their female employees 2 days off a month anyway, since they think women should be allowed to rest and take care of themselves in the red tent. Sweet, eh?

I am doing some work from home on projects, but I am most useful to them physically IN the office because so much of my job is dealing with walk-in clients. Oh well.
(no subject) - astropoet on May 26th, 2006 10:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 11:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ornithoptercat on May 26th, 2006 09:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - astropoet on May 26th, 2006 10:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
miekecmiekec on May 26th, 2006 07:51 pm (UTC)
Have you seen Finding Nemo? (I bet you have)
Remember Dory? Here's my mantra for days like this:

Little Redmylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 11:03 pm (UTC)
Oh, so true! Keep on, keep on.
Ash: Real Pirates Knitbarker9 on May 26th, 2006 08:04 pm (UTC)
Don't feel too bad. It seems your boss truley understands and take some comfort in that. It's not your fault or anything. You do work hard and I think gets that too. Wishing you better.


I would very much like to offer you a Sparky fic, but I. CAN'T. SEEM. TO. GET. IT. OUT! *sighs* I miss my Stargate muse. lol!
Little Red: knitting! - melyannamylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 11:05 pm (UTC)
No problems! I have been poking at fic for weeks and it is nonforthcoming. :(

I LOVE YOUR ICON OMGWTFOMG. Who made it? I have friends who would ADORE it... if you are ever willing to share it, please let me know so I can point them to it!!

They get that I work hard. I just wish I could work hard*er*.
(no subject) - barker9 on May 26th, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Lisa Yaeger: holdon: toasteronfirelisayaeger on May 26th, 2006 08:22 pm (UTC)
I meant to comment yesterday and didn't have tome- sorry. :-(

But, what I wanted to say about sick day usage is that - speaking as a manager and now as a somewhat experienced employee- TAKE THE SICK DAYS WHEN YOU NEED THEM. Life happens, and we all have days where, for one reason or another, it's better for us not to be at work. You are not less of an employee no matter what the other idiots who put in 50-60 hours a week and look and feel like crap say. You do what's best for YOU, and it's only between you and your boss.

*huge hugs*
Little Red: sga - cute when sick - duckadorkmylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 11:06 pm (UTC)
Yeah. I need to not break into wee pieces, and I'm only taking time off when it's really necessary (that just happens to be more often than for most people). And I'm willing for them to fire me, and I don't really think that they will... so... yeah.

I'm very fortunate that no one has gotten *really* mad about it yet.

One Whose Honesty is Stronger Than Her Fear: believeamilyn on May 26th, 2006 10:45 pm (UTC)
I totally, totally, TOTALLY get where you're coming from.

I am glad your boss is supportive (at least for now).


I think you've got a good option, and an old friend's neighbor who had lupus worked in real estate for exactly those reasons.

Little Redmylittleredgirl on May 26th, 2006 11:10 pm (UTC)
Yay for stumbling into real estate!! I just need to pay my dues *first*, and that's the part I'm working on. We shall see how it goes.

Boss doesn't really know that I am *sick* sick. He just thinks I get more flus than anybody alive.

jammer0307jammer0307 on May 27th, 2006 04:22 am (UTC)
Four things:

1) Love ya! *HUGS*

2) I need your new Oregon address - when you send it to me, I'll send you my new East Lansing, Michigan address.

3) I now understand your hatred of mono and all things relating to it.

4) When you're sick, take sick days. My mother *hates* seeing sick kids all day - and she doesn't work at the doctor's office.
nenya_kanadka on May 28th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC)
*snuggles LR* You so rock for Holding Down A Job now! I am so, so proud of you. And do take the days off you need, 'cos we don't want to see you hurting more than you have to.

Also--could you send me your new Oregon address too? I think you have my TN one, right? If you are still mylittleredgirl at GMail, I can write and request your address that way, too.

(Address request is why I am posting in reply to jammer0307's comment instead of to the OP. *waves to jammer0307, who has excellent taste in iconable persons* :D)
señora beaverhausen: the ship that cared too muchsombras_azules on May 27th, 2006 09:38 am (UTC)
Yeah, I agree, no one is perfect and absolutely no one is expecting you to be. They love you over there, and you know that! Don't sabotage yourself, and easy does it.

Rowan Darkstar: Sam - Fadingrowan_d on May 27th, 2006 09:45 pm (UTC)
Heya. Apparently I had fallen behind on your LJ more than I realized (could have SWORN I'd read all the major posts...:S), but amilyn just pointed out to me that you've now moved on from "recovering from mono" to dealing with long term CFIDS (which, of course, I've had for 20 years, now). I'm very very sorry to hear this, and I'd like to be as involved and there for you as I can. Believe me, I know AAALLLLL about feeling you've let people down because your body just Won't Comply. You know it's not your fault, but it's a sort of "nebulous" illness that so many people don't even believe exists, and you spend half your day defending yourself out loud, whilst inside your brain some of that doubt seeps in and you find YOU don't always believe you can't control it and you blame yourself (which is ridiculous, but inevitable). 20 years later, I still have these days. So, feel free to email me anytime and we shall commisserate and prop each other up.:) *hugs*