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19 March 2007 @ 01:48 am
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaeep.  
WHY GOD WHY do packaging people package ant traps with SCARY DRAWINGS OF ANTS ALL OVER THEM!?!?? Because I went to buy ant traps, and the packaging was all covered with ant imagery so that there was no ant-free portion for me to touch in order to stick it in my cart, and I just started to feel really light-headed and had to leave the aisle all together. GOOD JOB, EVIL JERK-FACE ANT POISON MARKETING PEOPLE. I think I'm going back to zen. I will cede this territory and live in the car.

Did I mention these ants are really really small? Like, small even for ants? And not even anywhere near my kitchen? SHUT UP.

Sister invited an ex-boyfriend who she's now friends with to fly across the country to visit us, only since he got off the plane she realized that she kind of hates him on the grounds of his being an asshead, so there's a whiny emo boy on my couch. He stares at me all creepy and emo-y whenever I go get a glass of water or something. However, he has a phobia of mayonnaise (get me the latin word for that one, pellmelody), which makes the ant thing seem totally sane and manly by comparison.

My attention span has shrunk to the point where I no longer read fanfics at all, but am reading an awful lot of headers.

Thus, the following poll. The first question has radio buttons for the betterment of SCIENCE.

Which of the following Common Fanfic Header Occurances makes you click your back button the fastest?

Misspelled words in the summary.
25(31.2%)
The author's screen name contains any word you'd expect to find in a heart in bathroom graffiti (i.e. luvs, 4ever, etc) or more than 4 numbers.
5(6.2%)
The summary begins [substitute last names from fandom of your choice]: "Jennifer Janeway, Ally Paris and Ryan Kim..."
9(11.2%)
There are more people in the "dedicated to/thanks to" section than there are characters on the show.
0(0.0%)
The fanfic is dedicated to the actors or characters on the show.
0(0.0%)
The length of the author's note requires you to actually scroll down, perhaps more than once, to reach the fic.
0(0.0%)
The phrase: "This is my first fanfic!"
6(7.5%)
Begging, demanding, or threatening passive resistance action for feedback.
20(25.0%)
In the pairing section of the header, every. single. character. you know is paired up, and there are a few pairings you don't even recognize.
6(7.5%)
The phrase: "The wonderful song belongs to the Backstreet Boys, of course!"
9(11.2%)

Well?

THOSE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TICKYBOXES.
24(30.0%)
... are you talking about me?
0(0.0%)
Dude, I read fic *for* the above reasons. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
0(0.0%)
I am a better person than you and do not judge fic by its headers.
0(0.0%)
YOU MISSED MY FAVE, which I will tell you about in comments!
3(3.8%)
OMG!!1! A poll!
7(8.8%)


For the record? I'm probably guilty of every single one of these. Well, except for the Author's Name one. I actually don't moonlight as sparkyishawt4141.

EDIT: I wrote this post last night. I woke up this morning and... no ants in sight. Have they taken pity on me!? Are they all convening somewhere in the walls for a final assault?
 
 
feel: scaredscared
hear: the ants go marching one by one...
 
 
 
Relevance: Octopus Viandesrelevance on March 19th, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
Maybe they ate it all.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 06:45 pm (UTC)
But I didn't actually buy the ant poison! I just thought about it! Perhaps my mental willing of ants to leave me alone was successful? I am the bug whisperer.
(no subject) - relevance on March 19th, 2007 07:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 07:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Havochavocthecat on March 19th, 2007 06:48 pm (UTC)
I had to choose one! Only one! IT WAS DIFFICULT!

Also, I had flashbacks to my first fanfic, with the telepathic, ghost-sensing police detective named Cat, and I AM TRAUMATIZED.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 07:40 pm (UTC)
This poll was totally inspired by me finding an old fanfic of mine which had pages and pages of headers and lots of giggling about the inclusion of song lyrics. SOMEONE PUT ME DOWN, PLEASE.

Which fandom was the telepathic ghost-sensing police detective from Because I can think of about five in which she'd fit perfectly.
(no subject) - havocthecat on March 19th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 08:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
if i could, i'd punch you into paralysis!: SGA - Elizabeth & Lornegrenadine on March 19th, 2007 06:51 pm (UTC)
Misspelled words in the summary = bad. Misspelled main character names in the summary = even worse.
Little Red: b5 - corps is mother - thatfangirlmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
Back button! Back button!
entertaining in a disturbing way: BUDDHAlyssie on March 19th, 2007 06:57 pm (UTC)
"Pairings: Kara/Lee" <-- yeah. Backbutton is useful.

But mostly, if you say something about feedback, I probably won't read it. (although if people continue to spell Rogue Rouge...)
Little Redmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 07:44 pm (UTC)
Well, "It's a pairing you hate" had more to do with the fic than the header, I guess, so I skipped that one. ;)

People misspell "Rogue" all the time in Oregon for non-fandom reasons because of the Rogue River. But it's much more irritating in fandom, I agree!
(no subject) - lyssie on March 19th, 2007 08:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 08:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lyssie on March 19th, 2007 09:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cnidarian on March 19th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lyssie on March 19th, 2007 08:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cnidarian on March 19th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ornithoptercat on March 20th, 2007 01:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
Melyannamelyanna on March 19th, 2007 07:00 pm (UTC)
THAT WAS HARD.

However, your "misspelled words in summmary" was slightly too broad. Seeing the word "summery", unless you mean summer-like, in a summary makes me flee the fastest.
Abusus non tollit usumlavidaessueno on March 19th, 2007 07:13 pm (UTC)
this is precisely what I was going to say.
(no subject) - melyanna on March 19th, 2007 07:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 07:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - miera_c on March 19th, 2007 10:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC) (Expand)
dark_cygnetdark_cygnet on March 19th, 2007 07:02 pm (UTC)
Um...I think the Ants are preparing for an all out final assault. I think this because why else would they all suddenly disappear?!?! ::not paranoid or anything like that, oh no.::
Little Red: b5 - corps is mother - thatfangirlmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 07:46 pm (UTC)
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S KIND OF SCARY.
Trialia: Lizzie omgwtftrialia on March 19th, 2007 07:07 pm (UTC)
*shudders violently* First three, definitely. Although the feedback demands, well, I'll read the fic, but I deliberately avoid giving feedback on it, because I refuse to be guilted into anything. :P Now that I think about it, I don't recall ever having perpetrated any of the above. Grammatical errors in a summary, perhaps, because I do tend to type the way that I speak, outside of a story's content. Spelling errors, never.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 07:51 pm (UTC)
See, I actually totally fall victim to feedback begging. When they try to guilt-trip people? THEY ARE THINKING OF ME.

Hey, you're just as guilty as the rest of us because you have NUMBERS IN YOUR SCREEN NAME, OMG. :-P
(no subject) - trialia on March 19th, 2007 08:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
mirageofmae: atlantis_cityoflightmirageofmae on March 19th, 2007 07:38 pm (UTC)
Haha, there really should have been tickyboxes! LoL. Songfic scares me, particularly when the song is used as a plot device or the characters are actually listening to the song despite the fact that it's a different time/universe/place than ours and... yeah...

In fact, I'm pretty sure I've turned back from a fic for all the reasons you've mentioned.

This was great for a laugh! And yes, I've thrown out the "this is my first fic!" in a pity pleas and now it's totally something I will turn back from without needing to read anything else. I'm just mean like that.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 07:49 pm (UTC)
YES, WTF. Like, PLEASE tell me taht Justin Timberlake's latest does not survive until the 24th century. PLEASE.

I make exceptions to songfic rules if the song is already a classic, though. If it's Elvis or Frank Sinatra or something, it's usually okay.

I will actually read the first fic! fics if there are no other glaring problems with the header. Because it could be a diamond in the rough? Or someone who's a good non-annoying writer in another fandom? Sometimes I'm just feeling nice, I guess, but I'll definitely hit the back button the second somebody's name is mangled or it's located in the wrong city or somebody gets called "babycakes" or something.
(no subject) - trialia on March 19th, 2007 08:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ornithoptercat on March 20th, 2007 01:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
Can you describe this?: Just when I think the fic can't get worsher_xcelncy on March 19th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
*shudders* now some of these I will grant leniency to if I know the author..but the one absolutely no exceptions I will not read the fic rule for me is netspeak in the the summary....
Little Red: fridge magnets pr0n - josephidesmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 08:49 pm (UTC)
OH GOD. If I never have to read a "they're in the same chatroom omg!" fic again, it will be TOO SOON.
(no subject) - her_xcelncy on March 19th, 2007 10:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
live the life you've imaginedcalleigh_j on March 19th, 2007 08:48 pm (UTC)
so there's a whiny emo boy on my couch. He stares at me all creepy and emo-y whenever I go get a glass of water or something.

There's a whiny emo boy in my next-door flat as well. 'Cept he's not on the couch (or even in the couch, which is what I wrote and almost posted first time around) all the time as he is an actual boyfriend of my next-door flatmate, but still, he's very emo, and we really don't get on well. LEAVE, emo-boy, LEAVE!!

he has a phobia of mayonnaise

That's just plain weird.

As for the poll, definitely should've been ticky boxes - had to go with misspelled words because bad grammar/spelling is my ultimate pet peeve, but songfics were pretty high up there, along with begging for feedback. Also, there should've been an 'Anything that mentions an OC (double if it says 'based on me') who gets with a main character'. I'm sure somewhere there exist wonderful fics about OCs and their undying love for main characters, but I have yet to find one.
Little Red: fridge magnets otp - josephidesmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 08:52 pm (UTC)
People actually SAY "based on me"?!?!????

YOU'RE KIDDING. Oh, wow.

There are good OCs out there -- medie comes to mind -- but yeah, you've got to be really careful picking and choosing your authors with that one. Yipes.

And, I mean, I totally write Mary Sues! They're great fun! But I don't share them with others and expect them to read them. That's just awkward.

The mayonnaise phobia seems very strange, I agree. Does he have to cross to the other side of the street whenever he sees a deli?
(no subject) - calleigh_j on March 19th, 2007 09:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 09:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - calleigh_j on March 19th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 09:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - calleigh_j on March 19th, 2007 09:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - miera_c on March 19th, 2007 10:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 10:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Rose Wilde-Irishrosewildeirish on March 19th, 2007 08:57 pm (UTC)
The one you missed: The portion of the disclaimer stating that the story is unbeta'd contains one or more of the following: A typo, a grammatical error, or a spelling error. Bonus points if it's beta itself.
Little Redmylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 09:01 pm (UTC)
I totally forgot that! Good point. Probably because I post all my stories unbeta'd now (but, er, I'VE EARNED MY STRIPES so now I'm allowed to! Actually, I'm just employed and lazy now).
(no subject) - mspooh on March 19th, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 09:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
señora beaverhausen: [ firefly ] dear buddah...sombras_azules on March 19th, 2007 09:13 pm (UTC)
Nothing makes me want to stab a fanfic writer more than the phrase "I suck at summaries!", but since that's not an option, I voted for 'begging for feedback', because how annoying is that?
Little Red: fanfic geek - elly427mylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 09:28 pm (UTC)
I forgot that one too! Yeah. That's just the worst. I mean, just SAY ANYTHING rather than that. "Mulder and Scully walk into a bar." Perfect! Go with it!

I will not write more about Mulder and Scully walking into a bar unless I get FIVE FEEDBACKS.
(no subject) - sombras_azules on March 20th, 2007 12:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
Pooh: SGA - no geek doubt (by shroom_icons)mspooh on March 19th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
What? You don't like reading about the smutty adventures of Elisabeth Weird and John Shepherd, and their big angry puppy, Ronan?

Misspelled character names out-duels misspelled words in general. :P
Little Red: sga - lizzie linguist - melyannamylittleredgirl on March 19th, 2007 09:52 pm (UTC)
I'm actually kind of disappointed how rarely I come across Weird as a misspelling in fandom -- probably because "Weir" is actually a word that your spell-check will recognize. Hrm.
thiswaltz on March 19th, 2007 11:19 pm (UTC)
but you left out the "I can't write summeries, read it anyways lol!" as a reason to sprint for the back button...

It was hard to pick between feedback begging, "first fic, be gentle!" pleaders and every single character being paired, but having been guilty of the first two (ages ago mind) I went with the third.

I hope your ants stay disappeared. maybe they lost interest in scaring you and making you clean...?
Sallyslm76 on March 19th, 2007 11:43 pm (UTC)
Hmmm... where will this fanfic snob begin? Let's see...

If I can't figure out who's speaking
If there are no breaks in the paragraphs
If the entire story is written in script format
If the author thinks txt writing is the appropriate format for a story
If the characters are completely out of character
If the main character wasn't even in the show/movie

Is that enough for now? Despite all this, I am addicted to fanfic!