It was hard. Really hard. Everyone was super sympathetic and man, I felt sorry for them, because watching bereaved people part with their pets is part of their jobs every day. I was really relieved that the vet reassured me a few times that I made the right and humane choice. Everyone thought it was particularly crappy that I had to put down four of my pets in one day, but seriously, I'd rather do this once than four times over the next few weeks.
The hardest part was watching Jadzia, because she knew. She acted totally different than she ever had before, and she was pretty freaking pissed off at me. That was hard because it totally felt like she was saying "No! Don't want to!" and... well. I held her after she got her shot, kind of explaining my intentions and asking her forgiveness, and I could feel a pulse in her long after the vet said she was gone. The pulse was mine, in my fingers, but it was a totally surreal experience to feel her heartbeat slow and sort of fade into mine.
Ezri was done. Poor thing had lost so much blood that she was already cold. The vet offered some possible treatments, but she was really ready to go and I knew either way she wouldn't make it through the night. We had good goodbyes. She has always been very trusting.
Emony had no idea what was going on, though she was definitely aware that Jadzia was all whipped up in a frenzy. Curious little thing was excited to be in a new place. She was never sick, just immobilized by crazy tumors longer than her little arms. Man, it's not cool that rats get so many cancerous things.
Zek, oh my gosh, I will miss him. He's such a love. He was all perturbed at being in a new place, but kept wanting his face rubbed, and he feels and looks and acts so much like Porthos (his dad, my late favorite rat) that it was a little overwhelming. I, um, cried a lot, because he was doing his I-love-you-please-snuggle-me head-thing until the drugs knocked him out, and I did a bit of energy-balancing, and it all felt kind of unfair. Poor little guy! I've been pulling for him since he was about ten seconds old, and here was the end of the road. He seemed so happy and chill (he was always the surfer-dude of rats) and somehow that made it much harder to resist tears than everything else.
So yes, then it was over. A lady I'd never met before came in and hugged me and helped me carry the now-empty cages to the car (which would have been much more traumatic if these cages weren't just transport and hospital cages, so they're usually empty). Then I went to the supermarket to buy bleach to disinfect everything lest Ezri's spontaneous blood loss is contagious somehow, and went to PetSmart to buy new unbloody hammocks and comfy-cubes and some cool wooden ladder toys meant for birds so the remaining rats have something new to play with.
I'm sad these little guys are out of my life. I'm glad it's over, though - the suffering and worry. I'm not glad that I have 22 more rats at home, and that means that I'm going to have to go through all of this again someday (and it scares the hell out of me because Little Dot Matrix has a small tumor now, and nooooooo, this has to stop!).
I read your comments to my last post on my iphone while I was waiting for them to give them shots. Thanks, guys. :)