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21 May 2008 @ 11:42 pm
I really wish I could get through just one day at my job without cocking something up royally. (I should note that every day, in addition to cocking something up royally, I also rock about 16 things... it's the cocking something up royally bit I'm having trouble getting used to.)

I also wish I could get through one shower without realizing I messed something up on the most recent work day.

So, after realizing my most recent and kind of inexcusable scatterbraininess (well, there is an excuse, and it involves changing meds and stress and being distracted by Real Live Office UST, but none of those are good excuses), I wrote an email to my boss and told her I'd pay money to make up for it. Really bad precedent to set in this work relationship, but the BEST possible outcome is that she'll take it and won't call another big meeting with the whole team & our business coach to discuss my general failure, because some of the things I hate most are 1) being imperfect, 2) disappointing people, and 3) PUBLIC HUMILIATION.

On the upside, my outfit for tomorrow night's client party is going to be awesome. It's totally retro, and every part of it was on SALE, 70s-inspired minidress to peace sign earrings!

And I know that some of this (the problem and the stress relating to it) is medication-change-related, but seriously, how can I become one of those people who just doesn't care? And one of those people who doesn't have such erratic-and-mostly-really-low self-esteem that I seem to need constant reassurance that I have some value as a human? Because srsly, that has got to make me awfully annoying to the people around me. I know it's the imbalance of meds right now that makes me think There's nothing I could ever do with my life that I could actually do WELL enough to be worthwhile, I should just quit and hide in a hole if only that wouldn't be a drain on society and natural resources like holes... but those thoughts are so familiar from all the years before they were smothered by the good drugs that they're so hard to brush off.

feel: crazycrazy
(Deleted comment)
Little Red: aw - cj/d *hugz* - natushkamylittleredgirl on May 22nd, 2008 07:30 am (UTC)
Yes, all things you say are true. It's just a bit draining to feel like I can never go through a day without a screwup, but that has something to do with the job demands, and my standards, and my boss's standards... and, yah.

It doesn't seem like all-consuming badness, which is good. It seems like almost-goodness (otherwise known as "good with a side of UNBEARABLE"), which makes me go OMG DON'T SCREW IT UP SACHIIII!! a lot at myself.

It's good to be reminded that everyone has days like this, though. It gives me hope that those I work with will continue to be forgiving for a while longer.
Your *Mom*'s A Cylon!: Humbleastrum_presul on May 22nd, 2008 07:16 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm apparently really bad at finding the right thing to say, but I think you're awesome, and since I'm right like 73.6% of the time... *nods*. It means you're awesome.

*more hugs*
(Deleted comment)
Little Red: peanuts - hee heemylittleredgirl on May 22nd, 2008 07:26 am (UTC)
HEEE. Oh, you have made me giggle lots with that thought.

YAY. I can sleep now. Statistics!
Your *Mom*'s A Cylon!: Damn good (jivefish)astrum_presul on May 22nd, 2008 07:29 am (UTC)

And everyone loves tickys too. So we know people will vote.
Little Red: aw - cj/d *hugz* - natushkamylittleredgirl on May 22nd, 2008 07:26 am (UTC)
*squishes you with hug for your niceness!*
Havoc: hermione don't carehavocthecat on May 22nd, 2008 01:19 pm (UTC)
The way I became someone who just doesn't care? Massive amounts of public humiliation and daily belittling. It's really not pretty. I'm glad you didn't know me when I worked at the Chicago Hellmouth. I was not a very happy person then. I tried! But, you know, the daily belittling just didn't help so much. And now, I have the ability to turn off my work-related give a damn with nary a thought. *points to icon* This is me at work!

*tacklehugs* Work sucks hardcore. And med changes also suck a lot. But! You don't suck. You REALLY and truly DEEPLY don't suck. Also: YOU ARE NOT ANNOYING. Often regrettably absent, yes, but never annoying. (P.S. If you're going to be around tonight on g-talk, I will be too. It's my night with no obligations!)
indie: SG1 s/j handindiefic on May 22nd, 2008 02:06 pm (UTC)
*huggles you*

We all have days like this. You're not alone. But, man, it sucks.

It'll pass. You're awesome :)
miera_c: fuck this shitmiera_c on May 22nd, 2008 02:16 pm (UTC)
See, I don't see this as evidence of your badness. I see it as your job and your boss are making you try to do too much and need to hire some goddamn more help instead of expecting you to be superwoman. Work is supposed to be work. You do it and then you go home and get to think about something else. If it's following you home like this then it's too much stress and the situation needs to change, not you.

Life's too short, babe.

thus sayeth the woman who's still trying to find a suitable career at the age of 35 *eyeroll*
julie: Tatsuki - bleh.onetrooluff on May 22nd, 2008 03:21 pm (UTC)
I have these days too. And as havocthecat said up above, I got so sick of cocking things up accidentally due to my scatterbrainedness that I too developed an "I don't care" switch. It makes me sad and I didn't want to be that way, but I ....I just don't care. It's not worth it to me for such petty stuff. Really my reaction should be "Hmm, so now I'm going to try harder not to be so scatterbrained..." but... the way people react to this stupid, stupid stuff it's like it's the end of the world sometimes, and I JUST. DON'T. CARE.

Says the woman who is ALSO trying to find a career at 28...

But, I think I got a little off-topic there. These days DO happen to everyone, as competely un-fun as it is. *hugs*
YB: huggy robin & marian cartoonjusthere1971 on May 22nd, 2008 03:18 pm (UTC)
If she's even thinking of a meeting - she sucks so much. That's just wrong.
Meds changes suck big big time.
If you didn't care, you won't be Little Red. I've only known you for just a little while, and I think you are the awesomest evah.
majorsamfan: Clingingmajorsamfan on May 22nd, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
It must be something in the water because I grew up in Oregon (McMinnville, just southeast of you, just northeast of Salem) and I screw up all the time...and for a perfectionist it's devastating. And the humiliation thing... ZOMGosh! that's HARD HARD HARD HARD HARD.


Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mentalpausal Majorsamfan
miekecmiekec on May 22nd, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)
erratic-and-mostly-really-low self-esteem that I seem to need constant reassurance that I have some value as a human?
There's nothing I could ever do with my life that I could actually do WELL enough to be worthwhile, I should just quit and hide in a hole if only that wouldn't be a drain on society and natural resources like holes..

Y'know, you are most definitely not the only one in that. Even grown-ups (well, I'm physical grown up at least) have this. Some of them. Some of the time. Yes, meds smother or take the edge off, but still. You're not alone. Reading that I'm not alone either does help. One of the problems with holes is that in reality they are hard to look over the edge of, let alone crawl out of. And they wonder why I like to read sci-fi/fantasy :)
Srsly, it's hard. But every now and then, do look back. See how much better now than then. And hold on to those few who take you as you are, love you anyway, and keep pointing out that you are human.

Edited at 2008-05-22 05:41 pm (UTC)
Lannalanna_kitty on May 22nd, 2008 07:36 pm (UTC)
fyca: buffy work so hardfyca on May 24th, 2008 04:37 pm (UTC)
Dude, tell me you have an up-to-date resume and you check the wants ads multiple times a week. You do, right? I know I do. Public humiliation? That is NOT COOL. And it's not right. Not at all. If it were me, I would have cried, sobbed, then run out of the room, out of the building, and never returned.

Whatever is causing all this failing is not you, dearie. You're far too smart and capable. Most of the time, you're amazing, right? One fuck up here and there, especially since you are still relatively new and they are CRAZY, should not rest on your shoulders or your pocketbook.

But, I've been there. I am there now, with a complicated new job and minimal training at best and a streak of perfectionism that is constantly tarnished on an hourly basis. I'm just learning what I can so that I can jump ship the first chance I get, and then I'm gonna take all these new job skills and use them at a place that makes me happy and content.

I know you can't really just snap out of these things, and sometimes just slowly pulling yourself out is impossible as well. But just keep reminding yourself, even if it doesn't stick so well, that you've got a shitload of friends and fans who think you walk on water and think that you should devote yourself to writing fanfic/humourous blogging/developing Realty TV for TV/creating polls/etc. You are far too awesome to be made of anything but the most microscopic speck of fail, and that only existing to make you human.

ps - seriously, you rock. :)