Things you may not know about me but have probably figured out: I'm kind of overly obsessed with Dancing With the Stars. I mean, I don't have mirrorballs hanging up in my apartment or anything, but I do things like pretend I'm out of town on Monday nights so I can watch it live. I was crushed when the company took away my blackberry because now I can't text my votes on two phones. IT'S BAD, OKAY? You totally don't care enough about this show to read the rest of this liveblog-recap, I assure you.
We open... with me forgetting to turn on the TV until after 8. It's OK, though! I can kind of assume that Tom Bergeron made snarky and introduced us to Classical Week, and Brooke probably stood there looking pretty and hoped she didn't have to say anything. Then two of the New Dance Troupe dance a smoking hot paso. I guess I should try to care about the Troupe since they seem to be sticking around.
"Rapper and Actor" Romeo & Chelsie - Romeo's been pissing me off royally with being Too Cool For Dancing, but he gets into it this time! Chelsie probably told him that the Paso Doble will make him more macho or something, but he does well. There are also PYROTECHNICS. Because nothing says Classical Week like a flame thrower. They score a 23. Romeo begs America to follow him on Twitter, and he's back to pissing me off royally.
Oh God, why is Anna dressed like a doll? Didn't you learn anything from your husband's DWTS mistakes!?
Kendra "Stripping Isn't Sexy" Wilkinson & Louis - Kendra is kind of a relentless bitch, isn't she? And her viennese waltz is terrible. Bruno tells her she destroyed the dance and that it should come from the pelvis or something - I don't know, he was doing the requisite thrusting. Carrie Ann tries to be nice and counsel her that "elegance is not that much different from sexy - you seem to be afraid of elegance," and Kendra brats, "I just don't care about it." She gets an 18, and deserved.
Sugar Ray Leonard & Anna - Okay, Anna's dressed more like a sugar plum fairy. Which makes sense, because they're doing some kind of nutcracker ballet. Anna goes into Russian drill sergeant mode. God, I love her, even when she's being mean. She takes Sugar Ray to ballet class, and he gamely puts on bright blue tights, presumably because Anna scares the hell out of him. Their dance is ADORABLE, and the judges gleefully agree, and they get a 21, and Sugar Ray says he loves this show and he's going to take ballet classes and Anna asks if she can come too, and thank god their dancing is getting better, because they are super cute. I have a giant forever girl crush on Anna. <3
Supermodel Petra Nemcova & Dmitry - I love Petra more and more. Dmitry has her do a fierce photo shoot to teach her the paso character - and I love that it works. They dance to a ridiculous opera with trumpets and I don't even - it's famous but I can't place it. Classical Week is making me feel like I should have paid more attention whenever my dad played "name that composer" on long car trips. Regardless, the dance is hot, and Dmitry rips off Petra's skirt at the end. The judges lose it completely when Bruno "Try-Hard" Tonioli starts stripping. Good lord. Brooke tells Petra that she's the nicest person they've ever had on the show. They get a 23. As an aside, I think Brooke is probably pregnant, and dressing her in a high-waisted princess dress is not helping hide this.
Two of the Troupe dance a waltz that is technically proficient and pretty, but since I don't care about them, I'm over it.
Ralph "Karate Kid" Macchio & Karina - I was distracted and missed some of this. Their dance was apparently great, though, and they proved he's sexy or something. Usually Karina is more entertaining - maybe she's laying low until the playboy drama dies down. They get 25 points - highest of the night.
Hines "Steelers" Ward & Kym - I really want Hines and Kym to hook up. I should probably check to see if either of them are married so I see how many complications there will be to me shipping them. Sweet! A commercial break to allow me to check this! Hines has an adorable son (whom we've seen) but no wife mentioned, and Kym's wikipedia page doesn't mention anyone, so - WHO CARES, their dance is insanely hot and I'm all over this. The audience feels the same way I do and screams a lot about the sexy. Len calls Hines the most determined celebrity in the competition. Because he wants to stay longer so he can seduce Kym. Brooke asks him "How was it to bring your game face to Kym?" So. Doing. It. In. My. Headcanon. 25 points and everyone boos, because they deserve more hot sexy points.
Chelsea "Disney Star I've Never Heard Of But liminalliz Probably Has Because She Was On That Jonas Brothers Show" Kane & Mark - Okay, I kind of RPF these two as well, except that Mark's mostly a douche, so I fantasize that he crushes on her and she shuts him down. Possibly after she breaks him with sex? I'm unclear on that point of my fantasy. They have a really strange dance with dumb costumes and Mark crackrabbits around the floor and then tenderly kisses her on the forehead afterwards. Len finally, finally, finally yells at Mark for using ridiculous and stupid choreography to distract from Chelsea being a really good dancer. Bruno and Carrie Ann looooved it. Aaaand... they got the highest score of the night at 28. Whatever. Escape from the Mark-haze and break his heart, Chels.
I don't think I've mentioned yet in this recap that I love everything that Tom Bergeron ever says. I'm still not going to watch America's Funniest Videos, but I totally have a non-sexual host-crush on him.
Chris "WWE" Jericho & Cheryl - I love Cheryl. She can do no wrong, but the choreography on this one is a little strange - or maybe it's that Chris is acting too much like his wrestling persona and she's dressed like a glittery Pocahontas..? Apparently they did well and I'm wrong! They make a Charlie Sheen joke to Brooke and get a 23.
Kirstie Alley & Maks - Aww, I like them. Maks is genuinely nice to her, and Kirstie works hard and feeds his ego. She's injured but says she's going to do this even if she has to scream the whole time. Her outfits are getting more revealing. Girl power! Her shoe slips off or something in the middle of the dance but they get through it like adorable pros. The judges are meh, except Bruno, who wants to hump the desk some more, and I don't even catch how many points they got because Kirstie is so distressed that the universe is out to get her. "Who loses a shoe while dancing!?" Hopefully she and the universe can get it together next week.
OH MY GOD, Dana Delany is the automated voice telling me Thanks For Voting And Please Watch Body Of Proof. MY NEW SHOW IS STALKING MEEEEEE.