A very white Scottish dance Superman whom Maks calls "Tiger Woods" is going to be a guest judge tonight. There's a montage about how he has won every dance competition known to man and, adorably, Len judged him when Dance Superman was a child. Tom asks him what he really thinks about Dancing With the Stars, and Dance Superman hmms for a few minutes to find something to say that isn't you are demeaning our sport into an explosion of bad dancing and glitter and puns and ends up saying that Americans are great at show business and the crew of the show is incredible. I'll give him that, because it's obviously true - this show is a well-oiled (and spray-tanned) machine.
Team Dance #1. Chelsea & Mark picked Ralph and Romeo to be on their team. Chelsea and Romeo tell Ralph he's old and say they don't want to get beaten by "a bunch of parents" on the other team.
And oh... my sweet lord. Karina can rock her some incredible leather pants. Ralph, get it together, because I love Karina. Mark looks like he's going to dance like a normal partner but has random conniptions of crack-dance that distract completely from Chelsea. Come on, dude, TRY to contain your need to be the center of attention for 90 freaking seconds.
Len liked it okay, Bruno wasn't impressed, Carrie Ann has some dramatic curls in her hair that look very nice, Guest Judge Donnie (Dance Tiger Woods) tries to be funny. Maybe he's not against the bad puns on this show after all. They look all crowded behind the judges' table. Donnie & Carrie Ann give 8s, Len and Bruno give 7s. 30!
Team Hines talks about how they all have awesome butts. Hines and Kym are half cuddling during their interview clips which distracts me from Kirstie's ridiculously bad hair, Maks and Kirstie not knowing the routine, and Kendra farting. Whatever, I'm just going to pretend Hines and Kym are hitting it, and no one can tell me they're not. They will have the smilingest babies of all time. And they danced so sexily! The others did okay, but the routine seemed off and Kendra still seems completely terrified to be on this show.
Dance Superman tries to make jokes about "Osama bin Dancing" ... stop talking, Donnie. Really, shut up. Len makes up for it by calling Kendra "a James Bond martini - you were shakin' and I was stirred." He's somehow adorable when he's leching. Bruno LOVED it. Carrie Ann nitpicks each star in turn.
There's an IHOP ad where a guy proposes over an omelette and the woman goes "that's so cheesy!" Yes, dear, and you would be WELL within your rights to decline a proposal at a chain restaurant delivered right when you're getting your damn food.
Brooke tries to get Team Hines riled up about the other team calling them "a bunch of old parents." Kym gasps in horror, but everyone else hangs her overacting out to dry when they just shrug like "... yeah, well, we are." Team Hines gets 7s from Donnie and Carrie Ann, 8s from Len and Bruno, tying with the other team.
Random dance champions Julia and Ricardo dance a jive, and seriously, this chick jives so well it makes Lacey look like she just picked up some moves at an after-school class. This season needs more Lacey.
The pros talk about the Super Pro Champions they're bringing in to help them coach the stars. Apparently our pros have trained with them. One of them is Shirley Ballas, who hopefully will tell her son to stop having random dance seizures when we're trying to watch his partner.
Tom throws to Diane Sawyer to talk about Osama bin Laden. There's a photo of a bloody floor (... thanks for that?) and an actually awesome photo of Obama, Hilary and some generals I don't recognize watching the live footage of the raid.
Back on Planet Mirrorball, we have Shirley Ballas dancing the Paso Doble sexily with her son, and then yelling at Chelsea. She keeps telling Chelsea not to smile, so during the performance, Chelsea is stuck in perpetual duckface. Congratulations for out-mugging your partner, dear! I didn't think it could be done. Tom disagrees, because he calls Mark "the man of the thousand faces," and really Chelsea only had the one. Len thinks it was unrefined. Bruno is turned on by Chelsea's outfit and/or Quentin Tarantino. Carrie Ann is really happy. I think she drinks a lot during taping. SuperDonnie is really, really trying to be funny and he's so awful at it that Bruno yells at him. Brooke asks Mark how he feels and he rattles off all the Paso Doble moves he put in there that Len asked for and acts bitchy. Your mom is watching, dude. Behave. They get 8s from Donnie and Len, 9s from Bruno and Carrie Ann.
Louis is frustrated with Kendra not getting the choreography. SuperPro Luca Burrichi comes in and says that Kendra looks uncomfortable. YES. That is exactly my problem with her dancing. I spend the whole time being afraid that she's going to just sit down and cry or walk off the floor in a huff. Luca encourages her to make mistakes. I like him.
Kendra looks lovely in her purple and red dress and they tango well. I think it's her bast dance. She actually smiles! I still think she's the weakest link, but she does look beautiful. Bruno molests Len in the name of showing Kendra proper posture. Carrie Ann loved it. SuperDonnie loved it and called the choreography pro-level. Len's really impressed but wants more crispness. He says he agrees with Bruno and Bruno pretends to have a heart attack. Donnie: 8, Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 7, Bruno: 8. 31 total. Brooke asks how Kendra feels and Kendra clearly doesn't want to answer any more questions until she gets some damn 10s.
Kirstie's excited to get dirt on Maks from Shirley Ballas. Shirley's cleavage is out of control - rein in your girls, honey. Maks is getting cranky and Kirstie's getting difficult. When Kirstie starts to storm out, Maks just cracks up. Then she pretends to dance with a plant. She is the exact opposite of Brandy. When she cries about thinking he's frustrated with her, he explains that he's under pressure too, and they hug it out and are so fucking adorable. They're doing the Jive, and Kirstie is inexplicably wearing a tutu, but their dance is an adorable 50s high school dance sendup, and they both look really happy. Kirstie can't really do the dance flicks, but she jives with her face. Girlfriend can act comedy like no other. Carrie Ann thinks Kirstie looks hot and performs well, but there wasn't enough jive. SuperDonnie liked it! She filled it with her spirit, and says "You were a star before you even got here!" Len loves the acting, but not the dancing. Bruno loves her performance, musicality, instinct, and willingness to "put out." Brooke has no idea what to say about all of this. SuperDonnie: 9, Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 6, Bruno: 8. Kirstie says she forgot she was dancing because she was acting, and Maks just grins away. I LOVE HIM THIS SEASON YOU GUYS.
More world champion SuperPros dance the Tango. The guy tries to make as many faces as Mark, but otherwise I'm not horribly impressed. I think the Tango is just not my favorite dance.
Ralph & Karina! They repeat the clips of poor Karina freaking out after she fell last week. Luca and his awesome advice show up, and he tells Ralph to feel that he's doing the right thing instead of trying to show that he's doing the right thing. Ralph is suffering under the quickstep, though. I really hope they rock and he doesn't die! They have adorable outfits, a trumpet soloist, and a speakeasy set. Karina's all in green, with a feather in her hair. They dance right up onto the stairs in the audience, and there are props and it's fabulous! Donnie agrees with me and also calls it fabulous! Len applauds the footwork, not so much the upper body. Bruno loves how he sold it. Carrie Ann: "Booyah!" Man, I am seriously loving her hair tonight.
More Diane Sawyer, and pictures inside the compound. Ugh, please stop showing the bloody floor in the middle of my glitterbomb evening. It's disrespectful to both the gravity of the news and the levity of planet mirrorballus to conflate the two.
Scores for Ralph & Karina... Donnie: OMG 10! Carrie Ann & Bruno: 9! Len: 8. 36!
Hines is feeling up Kym in their little backstage bit and calls himself the "Silent Assassin." SuperPro Luca teaches Hines how to lead Kym. Kym says it's like dancing with a pro and seems truly shocked. Hines' teammates come to rehearsal to mock him (or, in my head, to vet Kym as the new girlfriend). I think Kym got sick of Hines talking so much about "romancing" the pillow he practices dance moves with, and now they're for real doing it. That's my theory.
They tango, and they almost kiss at the end but end up kissing on the cheek and MY MADE UP SHIP IS KILLING MEEEEE. It's like the X-Files when I'm compelled to yell "KISS! KISS! KISS!" at my screen and they just don't. Len compares Hines to a tiger pickle (!? Carrie Ann giggles forever after this) and then says he's "too dainty." (So, to recap, the professional ballroom dancer just called the Superbowl MVP 'too dainty.') I can't even hear what Bruno is saying over how loudly he needs to get laid, but I think he really liked the dance. Carrie Ann notes Hines' "new" connection with Kym (I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU) but says he needs to work on his balance. SuperDonnie likes his personality, saying he dances with his heart while using his head... then says he was flapping his arms like "American Airlines." Sir, that's not how planes work. Scores: Donnie: 9, Carrie Ann: 9, Len: 8, Bruno: 10!!! 36, tied with Ralph & Karina. YAYYY MY TWO FAVORITES!!! (Also Kirstie, who is awesome.)
Romeo and Chelsie. Romeo is in lust with Shirley Ballas and is throwing a samba party in his pants (and we're all invited! how nice for us). THERE IS FUCKING FIRE ON THE STAGE. On purpose, but it's really distracting me from their Samba. Chelsie is precious and their dance is fun. Someone really needs to turn off the fire. Bruno thinks Romeo's bounce was wrong. Carrie Ann thought Romeo's bounce was a turn-on but the wrong kind of bounce for Samba. I was too busy watching the FUCKING FIRE to even notice that he was bouncing at all. SuperDonnie says Romeo has a party in his pants but an earthquake in his feet. Len really didn't think it was hot and tells him to up his game. Romeo looks crushed.
Brooke has some name-mixing issues. Donnie has some paddle-mixing issues and holds up the wrong one, so Brooke and I are confused, but Romeo ends up with a 30, I think. After Tom does his wrap-up ending, he and Chelsie start talking urgently off-mic as the music fades and I get really mad that I don't get to hear what they're saying.
I'm torn about voting! Hines & Kym are my RPF favorites, Ralph and Kirstie are tied for my second-favorites and Kirstie needs the help... it's all too confusing. Hines & Kym and their perfect-teeth babies forever!
Oh, and I have a problem with my sense of priorities, because my sister's dad is in town tomorrow and taking me to dinner and I actually had a moment of "... but then I can't watch the results show liiiiiiiive!" before I smacked myself for being ridiculous. This is why God invented Hulu! To balance life and reality television!