The star introduction is sort of interesting today! Because of OUTFITS. Chelsea is wearing a beautiful blue dress, but Chelsie with an ie is wearing some sort of ridiculous pleather red dress with her black bra showing and what. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GURL. Kym is dressed in really boring beige with low-cut cleavage and her hair tied up in a boring bun. Karina has flat-ironed her hair and I seriously do not know what to do with a Karina with straight hair!
Chelsea awesomely tells Mark to NOT BE AN ASSHOLE. Oh God, it is FUCKING AMAZING. She tells him to stop demanding perfect scores and acting like a dick to the judges and it's just so incredible, I can't even. GO CHELSEA. I won't be sad anymore if you win. Mark finally FINALLY says he wants the main focus to be Chelsea. YOU GO GIRL. Their dance is a slow waltz where they make out at the beginning and a few other times. Chelsea's wearing shoes, but it doesn't look like it. Mark tries really really hard to not showboat and doesn't quite succeed, but it's vastly better than usual.
Len asks them to dance more and storytell less, but he liked it. Look, a Jonas brother in the audience! Bruno is like THANK YOU, THANK YOU for letting Chelsea dance. HAHA. Everyone wants Mark to stop being a dick. Carrie Ann makes another comment about how she's Team Chelsea and not Team Mark's Ego, and then tells Chelsea she "earned perfection." Backstage, Chelsea tells Brooke that she's not mad at Mark. Mark says his main focus is to let Chelsea shine. 10s from Bruno and Carrie Ann, 9 from Len.
There's a segment where the judges are really excited about the Instant Dance. Len says it's the toughest competition on television. Carrie Ann gives a shout out to how Kyle Massey was awesome last year. Bruno doesn't show up for this segment.
Chelsea and Mark's song is "Get Busy" by Sean Paul, which Chelsea knows and Mark doesn't. The "coming soon" montage is over the top - Ralph collapses and Karina calls a doctor, Chelsie pimps out Romeo at a club, Maks has his throwing-down-the-mic fit of the year, and Kym TELLS HINES TO PROPOSE TO HER AND EVEN HAS THE RING. Things Kym and I have in common: writing ridiculous Hines/Kym fanfiction.
Weird people are yelling outside my apartment. Next up: Hines and Kym! *hearts fly around my head*
Hines: "I'm surprised I'm proposing to Kym, because she forced the proposal on me. That's pretty much America." *dies* They watch Ralph's dance and Kym tells Hines to smile more. That fake ring is RIDICULOUS, and perfect for DWTS. The song is "This Will Be Everlasting Love,: and I'm way too squeeful to be critical, although Kym, your hair's too pretty to knot it up like that. The singers go all out - I didn't realize how hard a song this was. He puts the ring on her finger at the end and okay, let's be real, this was ridiculously cheesy. Tom awesomely tells them to spend their instant dance negotiation the prenup.
Bruno, Hines/Kym shipper to the stars. Kym's ecstatic that he recognizes the Fred Astaire movie reference she put in. Carrie Ann thinks Gene Kelly. Aww, Carrie Ann has such a crush on him. She loves the "Cheesy Hines." Len says his personality radiates and hopes the viewers love it. Len gets all giddy and then complains about his feet, but says he loves the cheese. DAMMIT. So close to a perfect score!
Ooooh, Adele and Michael Bolton will be on tomorrow. Please let them do a duet. Brooke legit asks "WHAT is this relationship, you two!?" and Hines says they have fun together and Kym distracts with her crazy ring. 9s from Carrie Ann and Len, 10 from Bruno. Their song is "Chantilly Lace" - Kym knows it, Hines has no clue. Hines says they have 30 minutes to learn the song which is so hard, and Kym corrects him: 20 minutes. HA. His face.
Instant Dance holding pen preview. They are seriously rehearsing in a U-Haul storage space? Chelsea and Mark are panicking, and Chelsea is wearing a neon green bra top. Wow.
Chelsie's horrible dress and Romeo are up. The backstage clips show Chelsie being so over Romeo's posturing. Man, they always saddle Chelsie with the attitude problems, don't they? Chelsie's stressed out, Romeo tells her to get over it, and she is like "TWENTY MILLION PEOPLE." Poor thing. Tango, to Britney's new "Hold It Against Me," which explains the trampy costume. JESUS. That pleather dress has a giant black lace bow on the back. Like, GIANT. I seriously can't even see them dance over the dress and the green laser beams on the stage. I think they do well? The singers are really struggling tonight. Chelsie ends in an amazing pose, I'll say that.
Carrie Ann loves his intensity. Len says he upped his game, and then says "Tom, I'm going to speak to you now." Weird. Bruno calls him a "real man." OH YAY. DANCE CENTER IS NEXT WEEK! I... um... really need to get a life. Backstage, I anxiously await Romeo's plug of the week, but this time all he does is speak well of Chelsie. Okay, you're not a jerk. I'll give you that. 9s across the board. Oh wait, I'll say he plugged Frosted Flakes by saying he feels "Grrrr... eat!" Chelsie is really excited to have choices of envelopes for the Instant Dance and Brooke has to hurry her up. They get the song "Tequila." Chelsie is excited. Tom says that he wants the real thing. I'm with you, Tom.
Ralph missed most of his rehearsals from an injury and is making some crazy eyeliner. In the package, Karina wants their Viennese Waltz to be dark. Ralph feels pain, and Karina insists he get an MRI. Karina says there's no way they can dance on Monday, but the doctor says it's treatable. There's really painful rehearsal footage of Ralph in a ton of pain and Karina trying not to cry. They only have 9 hours of rehearsal time and Karina says they're screwed. Awww, but so far it's really sweet, if really unsteady. He gets like ten thousand audience votes for just doing this for Karina (and for himself, I suppose). The eyeliner, though. I'm not giving him a pass on that one.
Len is kind and says he did great for someone with limited practice and pointed out "you only get polish with time," Bruno does some interpretive Twilight fanfic and gives him props, Carrie Ann says the spirit of Daniel La Russo lives on. Carrie Ann says they have to judge based on what they saw but encourages people at home to vote and save them. Tom realizes that it's "too weird" that Ralph has a leg injury at the climactic moment, and poor Ralph limps up the celebriquarium and gives props to Karina. Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8, Bruno: 9. Karina is happy with the scores, and she should be. Ralph says "It can't end this way." Their instant dance music. They didn't prep their Instant Dance at all, so Karina says "It'll be truly an Instant Dance!"
Preview is Kirstie falling a lot and Kym and Hines freaking out about the Instant Dance.
I should point out that I feel a lot of sympathy for these people today - impending layoffs were announced at my work without names, so I also feel like I'm about to be kicked out of the adminny ballroom. VOTE LITTLE RED!
I can't even explain what Hines and Kym are wearing. Hines looks like the guy at my office who wears suits five sizes too big, and Kym is like a cross between a beer wench at a beer fest and, well, something from Lacey's closet. Kym says they hope to get the audience on their side, which is not a good sign.
Maks: "Move your ass. And by your ass I mean your feet." Maks gets mad at Kirstie's lack of precision and she gets frustrated and falls a lot and keeps going "I'm okay! I'm okay!" Maks tells her to stop dieting and that she needs to eat more. Maks, I basically forgive you for everything for this segment alone.
EEEE! Maks carries her down the stairs and their Argentine Tango is already amazing. The lifts are beautiful. This is like 7000 times better than the regular Tango. ATs always, please. Kirstie does really well and it's sexy and her footwork is great and everyone is going to love them. I'm calling it now: They're going to win the whole thing.
Bruno is beside himself. "Your body's shrinking, your talent is huge!" Carrie Ann felt like she was watching "real life unfolding" and she topped her cha-cha from week 1. Len says they captured the feeling of the AT and it was hot. Kirstie gets confused about whether she's coming or going.
Maks tells Brooke that Kirstie doesn't eat. Carrie Ann and Len: 9, Bruno: 10. They choose "Cobrastyle," which no one has heard of. Brooke says it doesn't even matter, Tom is like "What? It does to them!"
Chelsea & Mark: instant dance! In rehearsal, Chelsea is like "WHUT." And Kyle comes in with a ridiculous top hat to coach her. OH KYLE, KYLE, I LOVE YOU. Rumor has it he's doing a reality show with Bristol Palin and I might have to watch it because KYLEEE!
Backstage, Brooke points out that Chelsie's more stressed than Romeo. Romeo says "I keep telling her, just be like we're in the club."
Mark and Chelsea instant salsa, and it's unsurprisingly awesome. I mean, my standards for an awesome instant dance are also no one falls over or cries. Apparently there was a jumped cue and they had to start early. I'm sure it helps that Chelsea knew the song, though. Len liked it, Bruno loved it, Chelsea looks like she might cry (is it still awesome if she cries afterwards?). Carrie Ann says there was no connection to the music. Len looks like he's going to slap her.
Backstage, Chelsea says this was the first time she had to let Mark lead because they squabble. Yeah, I think the girl celebrities have an advantage that way in the Instant Dance. Carrie Ann: 8, Len & Bruno: 9.
In the backstage clip, Hines and Kym look terrified. I really hope there's no falling or crying!
Do they really just keep making Pirates of the Carribean movies? Apparently so!
Backstage Kirstie and Maks are glaring at each other and not dancing. Ralph and Karina are trying to figure out their routine from nothing, and Karina says "hopefully it will be over in an instant!"
Hines is stressed about the instant-ness of the Jive and this leads to a lot of swearing and falling. Kym says she's nervous and NOW I AM TOO. I needn't have worried. Adorable carries them through and it looks totally choreographed.
It made Bruno smile the whole way through, but all the kicks and flicks were flat-footed. Carrie Ann launches herself ACROSS THE TABLE to say that he did an AMAZING job. Len says he was unlucky to draw the Jive for the instant dance and he did a fantastic job. THEY ARE SO CUTE, YOU GUYS, I MIGHT DIE.
Backstage, Hines calls it a workout when Brooke asks if he was enjoying himself. Carrie Ann: 9, Len: 9, Bruno: 8. The crowd boos and Kym says "We love the crowd!" and that she had more fun than she thought she would. Tom points out that when the crowd boos Bruno, he loves it.
Dance Center preview! Oh god. I love this show.
Backstage, Kirstie makes some nonsensical reference to ice skating. I might be more worried about their instant dance than Ralph's.
In rehearsal, Romeo tells Chelsie he dances better than her. She takes him to a salsa club and makes him go ask an unsuspecting girl to dance with him on camera. Chelsie is impressed, Romeo is still trying to get in Chelsie's pants. Oh, poor Romeo. Instant Salsa! I LOVE IT! Chelsie is adorable and does an entirely ridiculous twirly flip thing. Romeo struggles a bit to keep up, but who cares, I just want Chelsie to have a good time. Too bad they're scoring Romeo.
Carrie Ann growls and clearly wanted it to work because it was casual like they were at a club, but it fell apart at the end. Len wants to know why Carrie Ann and Bruno are being nasty, haha. Len loves that they did it as a club dance. Carrie Ann and Bruno can't handle that Len has been bodysnatched. Bruno says Chelsie covered well, but the fluidity was lost. I like it when they give props to the pros, even though it's usually in the context of "that dance sucked." HAHAHA Romeo says he was celebrating and pimps his new movie. Romeo, sometimes I can't stand you, but never change. Carrie Ann and Bruno: 8, Len: 9. Everyone's getting the same scores.
I'M GOING TO GO VOTE ON THIS BREAK.
Depressing Ralph and Karina non-rehearsal segment. Karina admits she's freaking out but tries to coach him well. Ralph says he can sell it as a performer as long as he doesn't have intense pain live.
AWW, I love them!! They baby-step through it and it's great! They're lucky and get a slow song and totally sell it! If Hines and Kym are my OTP this season, Ralph and Karina are my brother/sister OTP. I just want her to be invited to his family Christmas parties forever.
Len admires his perseverance but didn't love the cha-cha like I did. Bruno says there's no hip action, but they're all really trying to be nice. Carrie Ann finds something nice to say about how he hit all the beats. AND THE JUDGES GIVE THEM A STANDING O. I love these two, but I kind of hope they go home so he doesn't die.
Ralph thanks the crowd, judges, Karina, and says he can't even think about tomorrow, but he does say it's "supposedly" going to heal and wants the chance to do more. The judges all give 7s.
Maks pretends to pray backstage. I have a feeling the dance will fall apart and he and Kirstie will just make out until everyone votes them into next week. This isn't a bad strategy! That's my bet.
In rehearsal, Maks tells Kirstie to showcase her big hips. Maks throws his microphone down. Kirstie's strategy is "to survive."
Kirstie is such a performer. She can make anything interesting to watch, and it's pretty good. She leaves Maks hanging at the end in some kind of weird moment to run over to the judge's table. HAHA: Kirstie upstages Bruno by swearing on live TV, and everyone laughs. Tom says they've got someone on a button backstage who has to earn their money. Carrie Ann liked it, Len LOVED it because it was traditional and oily or something.
*break!* again! I'm not getting lazy, the segments are just getting really short.
Backstage, Kirstie loves the latin dances and the audience and enjoys herself. Maks is very proud of her. Seriously, is a pro ever going to answer Brooke with "Nah, I'm not that proud of my celebrity." Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 9, Bruno: 8. Aww, even Maks does the goofy twitter-hands that Kirstie always does.
Ultimately: So happy Ralph didn't die. Chelsie's pleather dress still astounds me, and no costume should ever be able to shock me on this show anymore. I'm disappointed that we didn't get to see Hines and Kym do a "real" Jive, but if they make it to the final, that might be their redemption dance. Also: in the final pass we see Hines examining Kym's ring - she's totally still wearing the fake rock in her St. Pauli Girl jive outfit. I really hope she wears it the rest of the season