EDIT TO END ALL EDITS: At the end I've added the God-bless-you-interviewer-from-Access-Ho
She's so beautiful and not dead and so very his. Help me out, body language experts, or I'm just going to go with he's-totally-touching-her-to-protect-and-r
Her hand! They were seriously touching the whole night. Also, bonus Team Kanendouche looking shifty.
I don't know what sign Hines is trying to throw down. I think it's the sign for "Mark, it's time to talk about wearing pants that go past your ankles."
Included just because they look so happy! Probably laughing about how Hines had to teach Brooke the rules of a coin toss.
This is a neat photo, even if Kym is dressed as a pinata. Some days her costuming choices are genius. Hines' feet could have been doing anything - no one could look away from her shaking her tailfeathers.
Speaking of costuming choices - as they test a lift backstage, I can't help but try to imagine the size of the industrial bedazzler they must have on Planet Mirrorballus.
Okay okay those were all from last night. Tonight, the hourlong not-a-timewaster-tonight before the results show was "THE FREESTYLE." There were some great pro numbers set to the music of past freestyles (which was just a gimmick to have awesome pro numbers and still call the show THE FREESTYLE, I think). Past celebs came back to do a play-by-play analysis of their freestyles. A majority of them were Kym's past partners, which turned out weird, under the circumstances. Warren Sapp got in a perhaps unintentional dig about how there was never a chance he'd let his girl fall, while the It's All About Donnie Osmond Road Show almost bragged about all the times he dropped Kym. At least Tom eventually pointed out that it was really weird in this new light to watch replayed footage of her getting "thrown around like a rag doll," and Kym's face basically said she was realizing right along with the rest of us that she has always been reckless and batshit insane about her safety with lifts with amateur partners and maybe she should rethink that strategy.
Speaking of, I didn't notice how the other pros looked, but this whole hour was clearly meant to ramp up the pressure for THE FREESTYLE HAS TO BE PERFECT AND EPIC AND TRICKS LIFTS AERIALS TRICKS and she looked like she was having an out of body experience. Could be the painkillers, I suppose, but show, cut it out.
Apolo showed up, too, and then Tom was kind of tickled to get to interview Brooke about her freestyle. Brooke's commentary was basically: "It's sheer blind luck we didn't die," and then she talked about breast pads (I wonder if she means push-up padding or if she was actually nursing when she did this show!?) and tells America that she has a tail. Tom really seems to like her a lot and enjoy co-hosting with her, even though she's comically dumb sometimes.
Drew Lachey and Cheryl reprised their "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." Cheryl should really get an honorable mention this week for awesome, because she's in at least two of the pro dances, she re-taught Drew his freestyle, and she helped Hines rehearse while Kym was injured (and, according to Kym's blog, was prepared to step in on show night if Kym didn't get cleared to dance). So here. Cheryl, I love you girl, and your dance with Tony reminded me of what a stunning dancer you are.
In terms of actual results:
Hines & Kym (who were actually first to get their results, not just first in my heart): They said their freestyle will have a Jackson 5/football halftime show theme, and Kym promises some tricks and then backs down before Tom can actually freak out on her.
They THANKFULLY blacked out the moment of her actual fall when they cut together the last-night-on-DWTS recap, but also included a few new clips of her looking terrified when she first got hurt. They also show confessional clips from last night when they're both still crying and Kym says she told him not to watch the recap of her fall and she has "no idea" how he even danced after that and they're hugging, and at this point, I'm toast. They're declared safe (of course - they are basically safe every season for the rest of the show after what they did last night) and when Hines hugs her you can hear him say "Just don't worry, just don't worry," and I about die from how sweet that is. She was totally the leader, the pro, his guide and rock and shepherd for most of this competition, and now he's returning the favor. Mazel tov, you two, your babies will have perfect teeth and will be born knowing how to samba.
Chelsea & Mark: I don't even remember what they said they were going to do in their freestyle, but I'm sure it'll be totally nuts and Mark will overshadow her - maybe that's a good thing? I find Chelsea completely harmless but also a little forgettable. I actually like her and don't blame her for any of the shenanigans Team Kanendouche have pulled this season, because she's very much a 22 year old girl without life experience. Mark's her guide, and he should know better. And, damn it, I want to hate Mark because he is such a douche and I want him to stfu but hard, but I kind of love him anyway as being part of the DWTS family. I find him easier to take when I remember that Derek kind of stole his parents and upstages him as a dancer all the time. Anyway, Mark and Chelsea dance recap happens and I can't bring myself to care. Confessional: Chelsea says that she hated Mark last week but doesn't hate him 73 points later. Stupid cha-cha-15-point-bonanza. She's a totally competent dancer, and it won't be unfair if she wins, but she lacks the charisma - and possibly the audience backing - of Kirstie and Ralph, so it was unfair to catapult her so far above them with a kind of made-up anti-Bristol challenge.
Kirstie & Maks: They always make me laugh. Maks looks so happy on show days. Kirstie promises aerials in the freestyle (this is news to Maks, but he rolls with it). She's apparently not allowed to say the name of her freestyle song on national TV. Is it the Cheers theme song? Can you do a freestyle to the Cheers theme song? How will we use a song if we don't have the rights to say its name? So many questions. They're the last to be called safe, but in a "not necessarily the bottom two" situation, so I wonder if Kirstie's mad audience votes actually put her above Chelsea and her ten thousand point lead last night. (I'm pretty sure the gods themselves descended to vote for Hines & Kym, so I'm not even considering them as a Bottom Two option.)
Ralph & Karina: HEARTBREAK. Not that they went home, because I do think he's probably the weakest overall contender at this point, but the judges were cruel to them last night. Give them crap scores, whatever, but they were nasty, and the semi-finals really isn't the place for that. These people came so far - let them down easy! I just hate it when the judges act butt-hurt that the votes overturn the leaderboard. Karina has looked crushed in every single shot since Bruno called her Ralph's "pussy" on national television, and I felt so bad for her having to pretend they had a chance and just sit through this whole show. (Their freestyle, if they did it, was apparently going to be based on The Bandwagon. So either they weren't paying attention when Hines and Kym used that last week, they had already planned it and were totally cheesed off that Kym stole their movie tie-in, or Karina was so totally over this results show that she just said the first thing that popped into her head.) Ralph gave a great speech about Karina at the end and I was amazed at how gracious she has become over the years. I'm cool with this as long as she's invited to the Macchio Family Christmas Dinners and his kids call her Auntie K.
I didn't actually mean to recap the show but that took long enough for the post-results interviews to go up! Yay!
The interviewer asks Hines "What's the first thing you're going to do after the finals that you haven't allowed yourself to do during the competition?" and he laughs and I scream "SEX WITH KYM!" Kym and I both look kind of bummed when he calls her A Friend, but basically everything else is still Kym Is The Center Of Everything. Kym just looks sad and reserved, and aside from exhaustion and pain, the It's Almost Over comments seem to be getting to her. Hines says he wants to sneak away to the islands for the weekend and reflect on what this all has meant to him and I am like hold the phone, Girlfriend needs a trip to the islands. Make that shit happen, dude. You, her, possibly an icepack for her neck, a beach, mai tais, make this happen. And she'll be way less sad if you invite her now, I think. I have seen way too much Kym sadface this week. Time for mai tais and promise of now-we're-dancing-but-next-week-the-isla
And Kym's blog on OK! is epic. Worth reading the whole thing, but let me highlight a few quotes:
He would’ve danced with Cheryl if I couldn’t dance. When they gave us the all-clear we spoke about it. I wasn’t sure, I wanted to give Hines the best chance he could have to make the final. We spoke about it and he said, “You know what, we’re a team, if they’ve cleared you, do your best and I’ll pull you through.” He’s such an incredible man.
PERFECT. He doesn't want to dance with anyone else, because she's it.
I went into shock when it happened. I couldn’t feel my arms for about a minute, that’s what was really scaring me. Then Hines was so great. The paramedics and the cast and Cedars Sinai — the paramedics were there in five minutes and they just really took care of me. Hines was with me every step of the way. He was with me in the hospital, he stayed there for every test result, he was with me throughout the whole experience. He took me back to the hospital on Monday to get more tests and he was with me waiting to see what the results would be. He’s been with me the whole time. Even when he rehearsed, he came back to my house to see me. I was on my couch laid up with my pajamas on and he showed me what they’d worked on. We’re a team, and he’s just really taken care of me. I feel so lucky, I can’t even begin to describe how lucky I feel.
*squeak* He drove her around to the hospital and sat with her in the waiting room and visited her at home because he was rehearsing with someone else.
Hines danced them incredibly. I’m so proud of him. We really don’t care what happens now. After we finished that tango, the scores weren’t anything he’s concerned about. He was just so happy we were dancing together.
I realize that being my OTP is a lot of pressure to put on actual humans, but the versions of Hines and Kym we get to see on TV and in the media? Like Bruno said, made for each other.
EDIT TO END ALL EDITS: This actually happens. My new favorite interviewer of all fucking time eggs them on with "Maybe your relationship can blossom after the finals," and Hines says it's a "lifelong relationship" and they're going to go on vacation together and we'll see and they're both so smiley and giddy and Kym demands a trip to the Bahamas and a;lskegja;lkgja;lksjg;klasjdf;alksjgd; *FLAPPY HANDS* THERE IS JUST NOTHING MORE THAT CAN EVER BE SAID ON THIS SUBJECT.
I swear, I swear, if they are just making this up for the cameras and nothing ultimately comes of this I never want to know.