Anyway, mspooh is my East Coast scout and she informed me that Kym doesn't die on live television (hooray!) and that I will need more booze than previously anticipated, so I went out to buy Heineken, because the future King and Queen of
Are you ready? For the excitement? The dramatic montages? TOM BERGERON?? I hope so, because I AM.
First of all, Tom, you can't impress me with TWO DANCES! because we had four last week. Hines: "This is my Superbowl." (No, Hines, THE SUPERBOWL is your Superbowl.) I am going to need booze. Brooke is wearing a pretty lavender dress. Mark stole something from Jerry Rice's DanceCenter shirt closet. Hines is in a TOP HAT. Maks: shirtless. DRINK!
Brooke is doing quite masterfully with the teleprompter today. She must have practiced after the coin toss debacle. Carrie Ann then comes to teach Chelsea how to show her womanhood in the Samba. I love getting to watch Carrie Ann shake it like a fly girl, and she's about 100% better at it than Chelsea. I should note that Chelsea is wearing finge. What? Doesn't Kym have that shit locked down with wardrobe?
They are doing a samba to a SPOKEN WORD PIECE. What even is this shit? Mark and his see-through top crackrabbit like you have never seen before and CONTINUES TO GYRATE after the non-music has stopped. Seriously, what just happened?
Len quotes The Police, but it's not a rhyme, so no drinking. Bruno gyrates. Carrie Ann called the samba hot and said she got down and dirty. Clearly I was too distracted by the SPOKEN WORD MUSIC to notice the dancing. They throw to commercial with Hines looking supremely awkward wearing a top hat. Top hat = maybe the only thing that makes ballroom dancing even whiter.
I'm seriously wondering - do people actually go on The Bachelor or Bachelorette thinking they will find love?
Chelsea: "There's nothing like freak-dancing with one of the judges." She also thanks Carrie Ann for letting her "grow up and be 22." AWW. She's 22. Carrie Ann: 10! Len: 9! Bruno: 10! I need a drink, so I'll drink for the almost-perfect score. Brooke: "This is your first... last... opportunity to vote!" DRINK!
Kirstie is stoked to be in the finals. Bruno is training her. Kirstie looks like she has no idea what language he's speaking (it's called Creeperese, don't sweat it). Kirstie wants three 10s. Maks looks like he just wants Bruno to shut it.
Damn, girl is looking foxy! The Maks diet is working for her. She's ALSO wearing fringe. Everyone's raiding Kym's closet today. Her foot placement is great as always and she looks good. She's also pulling faces, but that can't be helped. Bruno is mad that Kirstie looked at the floor. Carrie Ann loved it, and says it's really weird that they had Kirstie and Chelsea go back to back. I noticed that! Maks nuzzles Tom's face, and Tom says he needs to take out a restraining order. We throw to commercial off THE COVETED MIRRORBALL.
Brooke asks Kirstie what it's like to be compared to someone who was born in 1988. Kirstie gives a reply that is more confusing than anything Brooke ever says. 9s from the judges. Brooke asks Maks for a tease on their freestyle, and he says no. Kirstie: "Aerials!"
HINES' MOM. DRINK! Len rides in the DNCMSTR limo, watches his quickstep on a product-placed phone, and waves a terrible towel as he walks in. Kym's wearing a neck brace. Len feels up Hines' deltoids and Kym shrieks, and Len says something about Bruno that is surely ridiculous.
Hines & Kym dance to Puttin' on the Ritz (haven't we seen this routine before?). They're out of sync in one place near the beginning and I don't know where Hines is looking, but they are SO FUCKING ADORABLE and Hines pops a champagne bottle at the end and it's just precious. Carrie Ann yells "This is fun!" Carrie Ann loses the power of speech. Brandy in the audience! Len says "The best dancer will win a mirrorball" and then says Hines isn't there yet. HA. Bruno loves it because Hines is a great entertainer. You can see the hearts coming out of Kym's eyes and it's SO DAMN CUTE I should have said to drink for that. Tom tells Len that Hines' mom wants to talk to him during the break. DRINK! I hope Hines' mom and Kym's mom are becoming BFFs this week. It seems like that will be important later.
Brooke tells Hines he never has to dance again, and asks if it's bittersweet. Hines: "It's bittersweet. Kym and I... it's coming to an end..." and then says he's going to take her out to a club to dance with her more. That's as much of a confession as we're going to get tonight, isn't it? Carrie Ann: 10! Len: 9! Bruno: 10! Drink for almost-perfect. Kym says it's really great to be dancing with Hines in the final, and it definitely sounds like "in the final" is an after thought because HEARTS & FLOWERS & DIAMONDS.
FREESTYYYYYLES! Chelsea and Mark are sparkly and neon and doing some things with taps and slides and looking ridiculous. Mark wants to be fresh and edgy, Chelsea thinks she's going to die. There are some crazy lifts. Chelsea wants the mirrorball to fill the hole in her heart from not having a superbowl ring or an emmy. LOL.
There is a BIKE. Mark's in short pants. DRINK! I don't even know how to describe these things for you. There are some crazy lifts, as you would expect, and OH GOD PLEASE DON'T DROP HER. They have a moment of random dancing in hold, and then OH MY LORD, light-up shoes and gloves and I don't even know what's happening. Holy crap, she drops off his shoulders and somehow doesn't die. He makes out with her cheek and Chelsea's mic battery falls out.
Len says "People think I'm a fuddy-duddy" but he loved it. Margaret Cho in the audience! And Chelsie! Bruno says they were plugged into the national grid and called it so creative and wonderful and so forth (hey, Kyle! he's there every week!), Carrie Ann leaps out of her chair to dance. (Jo Bros in the audience!), and it occurs to me that none of this is about Chelsea as a dancer and it's all about Mark's choreography. I mean, she's awesome to pull it off, because that was crazy, but the freestyle is kind of really about the pro, isn't it?
Tessie is NOT OKAY with the dog on one of the commercials. Usually she ignores dogs on TV, but she is ready to hop in there and kill him.
Chelsea thanks the viewers in a sweet way and is super grateful and awww. Mark hugs her. Shockingly, he lets her have his moment. Carrie Ann: 10! Len: 10! Bruno: 10! They freak out and flash their electric mittens. Mark dances behind Brooke and doesn't let him talk.
Kirstie is wearing some kind of Friar Tuck get-up for the freestyle. Maks says he doesn't want to, but they're doing lifts. Oh lord, please don't kill her. Maks critiques her cartwheels. She has a yellow-brick-road and Pink's Fucking Perfect. Lifts! Aww, I like a slow freestyle. It's a change of pace. Oh wait, now they just amped the song and are don more crazy lifts and this is a little weird but hey, there's her cartwheel! Maks is also wearing a shirt I note and HOLY SHIT he just flipped her! She does a victory lap. Tom says "What a way to finish the night" when we still have another competitor to go. That's a Brooke-level gaffe! What is this, opposite day?
Bruno has no idea where that came from since he didn't see that when she started the show. Carrie Ann calls her the new poster-child for 60 years old, and Kirstie is going to choke the next person who calls her old on national TV. Len loved it! He liked the traditional ballroom elements and the lifts. Carrie Ann: 9, Len: 9, Bruno: 9. They are rocking the 9s all over the place. The audience boos and Maks eggs them on. Maks tries to grab Brooke's mic but they throw to Tom instead.
KYM IN FRINGE! DRINK! I wanted you in a cheerleader outfit, girl, but right now I will take the booze.
I take it back. I am SUPER BUMMED that Kym is not rocking a traditional cheerleader outfit. WHAT IS THIS? COME ON, PEOPLE. I'll give it to you for the pomp-poms, and we've got a ponytail. These two have no personal space when they're talking. Kym also seems to have color-coordinated neck braces. Hines tells her to envision being a mirrorball champion, but he says it like he's envisioning undressing her. I'm not just saying that. Now he's being a band geek. Yay! The lifts are fun and she's not dying! Did I mention they have drummers on the stage? They are totally crazy and grinning like mad and I think they might have made a mistake doing marching band renditions of the Jackson 5 songs because no one's singing along but awww, they're hugging and it's so cute and COME ON MAKE OUT DAMMIT. MAKE OUTTTT. Oh, fuck this show. At least the ponytail is adorable.
Carrie Ann fakes them out and says it's not halftime... it's the WHOLE SUPERBOWL. Carrie Ann says she loves them as a pair. Len says they gave their all. Bruno says they pulled out all the stops and made a crowd-pleasing event WHATEVER, IF ONLY THEY MADE OUT. I've been drinking a bit.
Brooke asks for the hundred THOUSANDTH TIME how losing the Superbowl has motivated Hines to win the mirrorball. Carrie Ann: 10! Len: 10! Bruno: 10! Kym jumps up and down and they talk over each other about how they're wearing black and gold and everything is awesome. Brooke asks how hard it will be to say goodbye. Hines says they have a lifetime friendship, which is presumably his way of saying, "we're not saying goodbye but not telling you on national TV."
Smart money and my votes are still on Hines, but I really think Kirstie could take it all! She's only 5 points back! I want to rewatch that freestyle and the way Hines keeps dodging the question of whether or not he and Kym are hitting it. (NICE TRY BROOKE getting those answers, though!)
WHAT?? Tom says that they're re-running this show at 8 tomorrow and the finale's at 9. Dammit! That is not what we call a 2-hour finale event. YOU PEOPLE.
OKAY. I'M DONE NOW. I WILL HAVE MORE THOUGHTS LATER I THINK but now I need to vooooote and I am anxiously waiting for all the post-performance interviews where OTHER people ask Hines and Kym if they're hitting it and they ALSO refuse to say and omg I just realized that him dodging Brooke's question about saying goodbye is totally because they're going on an island vacation right??
Thanks guys for enjoying this experience with me! <3 <3