Smirnoff Ice (KARINA, Y U NOT PARTNERED WITH ICE-T SO THAT CAN BE UR TEAM NAME) is somehow the least nasty thing available in my local 7-11. It comes in convenient 1-liter size. THANK GOD.
This all looks familiar! Which is a good thing, because it all happened last night and they're just rerunning it for the first hour. I can catch all the drinking moments I missed! And also: mspooh points out that Hines and Kym kissed on the lips and I somehow GLOSSED OVER THAT last night. So basically the next hour will be for drinking, primarily, and the proper drunken liveblogging.
First up on "things I missed last night": Mark crack-dances in rehearsal in front of Carrie Ann. Why do you need to pull focus so hard when you're not even on stage? I like Chelsea's samba better than I did last night, but I feel like Mark did her a disservice by having them dance next to each other instead of with each other so much (ditto on the freestyle). I mean, he's a better dancer, because that's his job, and he pulls focus like nobody's business anyway, and it just makes it impossible for her to measure up no matter how amateur-excellent she is.
God, Smirnoff Ice is kind of awful, isn't it? My sister loves this drink.
Chelsea is really quite charming this whole episode, even if I didn't loooove the dancing. Mark even tries to sound humble when talking to Brooke, but I believe Chelsea actually might be.
You know, the way they were throwing out 10s last night, I'm surprised Kirstie didn't get any. She deserved at least one for the samba. Remember when Evan and Anna got 8s for their Freestyle just because the judges didn't love it, even though it was technically fine? I'm also in a benevolent mood in the finals. I wanted Bristol to get 10s last season in the finals. I wonder if the judges see the dress rehearsal because I wonder how much of their crazy-antics-show is planned ahead of time.
Drink for J-Grey in the audience! And drink again for Maks molesting Tom, because.
I'm going to just drink for Rerun Hines' Mom because she's awesome. Len: "Look at his deltoids!" Kym: "I KNOW!" Len: "Good job Bruno's not here!" ALL OF THAT.
Every time I see a top hat I think of Mr. Peanut, but once I get past that, Hines & Kym's quickstep is such a cute routine! I get distracted a little thinking about him waiting for her to get ready to go out, not because that's the theme of the dance, but because Kym's choreography brain is a constant source of half-baked fanfic.
Is it me, or does this Combat Hospital show look like it's supposed to be M*A*S*H without the funny?
Drink for Brooke completely forgetting how the voting process works! You know, when Hines & Kym ultimately date, he has a really ridiculous insight into her romantic fantasies because of these numbers she designs. She quite literally choreographed his proposal for him.
Oh, freestyles. Mark said "It's so swag." Chelsea is totally the best dancer of the season, Mark, but she's not better than you, so maybe you should choreograph something where you're not mirroring each other so completely. The lights really are cool, and it's sad that hers break! Carrie Ann pulls a Bruno and dances at the table. I am only sort of paying attention since I've seen this before.
Chelsea is really a total sweetheart. Hopefully she doesn't learn ego from Mark too much. She's adorably shocked to get 10s. Awww!
Kirstie and Maks are so awesome. Aerials! Good thing Maks is so strong and strong-willed all at once, but that cartwheel was a mistake. He's really not a freestyle choreographer, but the lifts are wonderful and unexpected. The band manages to annihilate a song that wasn't that great to begin with, and that is not at all better the second viewing. I really hope Hines wins and Kirstie takes second. Haha, Kirstie looks like she is going to CUT Carrie Ann for mentioning how old she is again. We had to talk about it constantly last season because J-Grey would not shut up about how old she is, but Kirstie just wants everyone to stop. Len: "You've gotta risk it if you want the biscuit." DRINK.
You know what I realized? We only have one dance left for Maks to mouth off to the judges!
I feel like I'm drinking sugar. Yayyy, Hines & Kym freestyle! Seriously, this rehearsal footage. There's so much touching when they're not dancing and there's a moment where I seriously feel like they cut away just before makeouts. I didn't know what to make of this last night, but I love it now. LOVE. THEY ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER. So much joy in 90 seconds. Kym looks amazing and is wearing seriously incredible boots. AND THEY KISS!! EEEEEE.
Carrie Ann, to the air: "Who's talking? It's my turn!"
Tom: "Maybe it's... Mr. Nielsen!"
Hee. As Kym walks backstage, she's saying "I want my pom-poms!" It's so cute how she wraps his arm around her while they're waiting for scores. SO CUTE. Kym gives a shout-out to Steeler Nation. You have a benevolent new Queen, guys. Hines says "If you want to learn to dance, call Kym Johnson." So, she should open a studio in Pittsburgh to capitalize on her Steeler Nation fame, yes?
Haha, Tom does some strange TV magic where I'm not sure if we're watching footage from last night or tonight. FINALS!! Slightly more live than the past hour! Tom defines the word "Journey" for us from the dictionary. Haha, I used to start all my high-school papers that way.
Awww, this montage is getting me all excited. It's DANCING WITH THE STARS: THE LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE.
YAY PRO NUMBER! EVERYBODY except the current competitors, I think! The Troupe too! Man, have we ever had this many pros on the floor at once? OH ANNA, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. Yayyy! And all the eliminated stars come down the stairs and it's an explosion of joy with their names up in lights. Is Kendra there? I think so. Petra and Wendy are wearing pink dresses from the Team Hines group cha-cha-challenge. Romeo is wearing glasses.
Chelsea: "This samba is double-dipped sex. MAKS." Haha. Chelsea's not a fan of all the wires in her freestyle costume. I imagine she likes them less when they stop working! Mark: "Way to be a champ." YES! Chelsea: "I feel SO GOOD because I don't need to live a life of regret!" Mark: "... well said!"
Maks tells Kirstie to love only him before they dance their Samba. Ballroom boos for Kirstie's 9s. Len: "If they don't like our scores, then vote for them! That's how it works!" Maks tells Kirstie he's proud of her for lasting when so many people wouldn't have and says THANK YOU and it's so precious. Oh god. Maks, you will never top this season, but please stay anyway.
Hines: "From ghetto to Broadway." We see Kym high-five Bruno after the quick-step and Hines spins her around. THEY TOTALLY KISS ON THE LIPS. Kym wants to know backstage if Hines has anything up his sleeve that they haven't shown on DWTS. Instead of giving her diamonds or makeouts he points out she took off his sleeves. HA and DAMMIT all at once.
Special guests! BLACK EYED PEAS!!! This better not be an OMEN. They were the halftime show at the Superbowl that Hines lost this year. (Did he lose a Superbowl? I forget! Brooke hasn't reminded me for almost fifteen minutes!) The dancers here should've borrowed Mark & Chelsea's TRON fingertips. I like this song! And the show! The best part is realizing how crazy and futuristic the costumes are supposed to look but it's just, like, another crazy costume day on Dancing With the Stars. People wear this shit to pick up their dry-cleaning on Planet Mirrorball.
Kyle in the audience! He was runner up. I'll drink for him. Oooh, hey, Brooke's pink dress is pretty and kind of tie-dyed. And did she darken her hair?
There's a Judge's Commentary On The Finals. Len makes a rhyme I don't even understand, but I'm drinking. Chelsea's dynamite and a technician. Len says Hines is better than any of the other football players they've had. Everyone is in love with his smile. Kirstie is a phoenix, an actress, always brings the audience to its feet. There's been no clear leader this season. Len: "This will be the war on the floor." DRINK!
This is the craziest PLEASE WELCOME OUR FINALISTS moment ever. There's all kinds of smoke and lighted pedestals. Kirstie looks FOXY in her now-smaller Week 1 outfit. Kym, you're so cute, but that headband from your Samba outfit doesn't really work for you. I actually find it weirdly adorable that she's sort of cross-eyed? But wearing decorations on her forehead isn't always the best thing. I really think Brooke dyed her hair.
Maybe Brooke is wearing a wig.
Mike Catherwood's bit. He's auditioning for the troupe in pink leggings. Trying to make the Troupe relevant. Macarena Champion, 1984-1986. Okay, I've warmed up to the Troupe. One of them is kind of Budget Timberlake. Troupe & Mike & Lacey do a hilarious thing to "Unbelievable." I wonder if this kind of thing is awkward since they hooked up and broke up? HOLY GOD what is Lacey wearing!? It's like one of Kym's sparkly nude bathing suits with fringe but the fringe is black. FRINGE DOESN'T GO LIKE THAT, LACE. Kym, please help her out. Brandy! Drink! This was a fabulous bit.
"The Story of the Season" montage with some of the best lines (like Kendra's "I look like a stripper!").
OMG! I through Petra & Dmitry were just showing video footage of their waltz, but it's live, and Josh Groban shows up to interrupt Petra and Dmitry redoing their waltz, and Petra had no idea. She totally stops dancing and squeals and Dmitry gets her back into it after a few moments. Is it fair to throw a non-pro into that?
Heee, backstage shots of the finalists doing last-minute move rehearsals in strange spaces like hallways and behind curtains.
I am lucky to still have any friends left after this ridiculous DWTS binge. Ha.
I can't look away from Tom's eyebrows or Brooke's hair. Kendra and a bunch of dudepros! Kendra's wearing her "uprise like the sun" outfit and doing a very cute dance to "La Vida Loca." She is way more animated than she was all season. I love it! Maybe it was the pressure of competition rather than the stage fright that got to her? And she gets on the judges table between two Troupe dudepros to shake it for Len and OH GOD, Louis nearly drops her headfirst off the Judge's table. Tony rescues her!
Story of the Season continues. Classical Week! That week was amazing. We lose Sugar Ray. American Week. Len creeps on Cheryl's Rocky Mountains. We lose Petra. This is like a montage of our favorites getting voted off. Guilty Pleasure week. Hansen! Karina wipes out. Chris is voted off.
HEY, boxing announcer guy is back!!!! Chris shakes the camera backstage all WWE and Cheryl tries not to look scared. Boxing Announcer Guy can't pronounce Anna's name, but she looks awesome. This is EPIC ALREADY. Sugar Ray and Anna do some moves from their Paso and add some other fun stuff. Chris and Cheryl do one dance with the costumes of another. Lifts! Hooray! Oh man, he throws Cheryl harder than she expects. YAY. I love these two couple numbers in the finale. Everyone loves on each other, and then comes over to be judged for some reason? Sugar Ray misses everything. Chris does a Bruno impersonation and ends up fake-making out with him on the judges table. DRINK FOR MAKEOUTS. Carrie Ann gives him a 10. AHAHAHA everything about this is amazing. Cheryl is impressed. I can't keep thinking about that video I saw today where they quoted Cheryl as saying it's inevitable that you hook up with your DWTS partners.
I love the finale so hard. I love the returning competitor shenanigans. The Hoff's Baywatch number in the finale was pretty much the greatest thing ever. The only sad part is of course the person eliminated in the semi-finals, because they're still bummed about what happened, whereas Mike Catherwood has had plenty of time to get over this by now and is psyched (haha, see what I did there) to be back.
Wendy's bit is to interview herself (and Tony) and kind of fake-roast of the remaining contestants... with herself... it's strange. Wendy thought Hines was going to win, but now she can't decide. Tom: "It's like ballroom diplomacy just envelops you." Ha.
OOOH DESIGN A DANCE! Maks, Lacey, Cheryl and Chelsie and THE GO-GOS LIVE singing "We Got the Beat"!!! Eeeee! (Man, poor Maks has to work hard this week.) The Go-Gos sound really awesome! Our girls look hot in red pleather bras. Maks is dressed as a beat cop (I get it). Awww, they all jive their little hearts out! I heard a rumor that Cheryl and Maks are fuckbuddies, and I was like "... really?" but just decided that I like that theory a lot, because they look good together, but I wouldn't wish him on her full-time. I don't know why this liveblog keeps going back to Cheryl's sex life.
I don't even think mspooh is going to read this far. I am not nearly drunk enough to cope with how there is only AN HOUR LEFT of Season 12.
Romeo "for kids everywhere" Miller and Chelsie are doing a new viennese waltzy dance to "I believe the children are the answer" or whatever that song is called. AWWWW! YAY LIFTS! And holy crap, there's a children's choir on stage! There are so many cute gaptooth smiles and ROMEO, ROMEO, I misjudged you all season, you're awesome! Tom asks Romeo to plug his charity urbanborn.org and I want to go give them money. "We're all winners tonight! And add my twitter." NEVER CHANGE ROMEO. Okay, Chelsie, if you decide to sleep with him, I'm okay with that.
(Sarah Palin lookalike in the audience. That was... weird.)
The Story of the Season... THE PAIN! We lose Kendra. Flashback to the proposal, the 10s, Ralph's leg injury, Kirstie wiping out a lot, LOSING ROMEO which now I'm really sad about. Semi-finals! Poor Kym! Poor Hines! Poor Ralph&Karina! And I'm going to add - poor finalists waiting through all of this before dancing their last dance!
The lighting guy blinds Tom temporarily. Ralph and Karina are going to do their quickstep. Really? Not their first foxtrot? I'm so surprised! I guess they just want to show how much they should be in the finals. MIRRORBALLS FOR EVERYONE. I love this routine and I like how he made Karina smile. She's totally going to the Macchio family Christmas Parties always. They add a cute little solo for Ralph! They get a standing O, of course. And thumbs-up from Kendra, who perhaps doesn't want to clap and break their nails.
What is happening. Some kind of ridiculous... okay I have no idea. They're cutting all these judge clips together into one weird rap medley. It's kind of terrible and amazing all at once. The judges adore it. Tom: "I've found my new ringtone."
Drink for Mark's birthday! Chelsea is charming and says she wants to win but is so glad to be in the company of Kirstie and Hines. Emmitt! Hines says he, Emmitt and Carrie Ann need to meet outside for a twinkle-toe battle-off. Maks kept grabbing Tom's ass and finally he yells "ENOUGH!" Haha.
Oooh, a preview for The Movie That Will Save America! Julia Roberts & Tom Hanks star in a movie about... who cares! It's Julia & Tom!
Local news has so far teased a "shocking revelation" about DWTS, lots of local graverobbing, and caffeinated pants. I think the shocking revelation about DWTS might be related to Mark's caffeinated pants. So, basically, I'll be staying up to watch the local news.
Tom introduces the newest bachelorette as "Looking for love in all the usual places." HA. APPROPRIATE. Favorite dance time! :)
Chelsea & Mark are going to do Harry Potter for sure. Mark polishes her technique and that's not a metaphor at all. Last rehearsal. Chelsea cries and tells Mark to stop comforting her but then they hug, and he's proud of her. They have much brighter lighting this time around and Mark grabs focus but somehow Chelsea still shines. Aww, it was lovely. Len: Chelsea is a fantastic dancer and wishes her all the luck in the future. Bruno says she never put a foot wrong in the competition. Carrie Ann says everybody knows her now for who she is and says she's a beautiful woman. AWWW.
Brooke: "This is our final chat!"
Chelsea: "This is such a bummer!" The less Mark talks the more I love her. Chelsea hates goodbyes. Don't worry, you can come back - I think Kyle might actually live here. Perfect score! Mark pretends that he's just really proud to be here and really proud of Chelsea.
KIRSTIEEEEE! GET YOUR 10s GIRL! Kirstie says the cha-cha was "our first date!" Kirstie's transformation montage a little bit. Awww. She's so sweet. And DAYUM she looks good. No whammys, no whammys, no whammys. The choreo is obviously simple as it's from Week 1 but she looks so good. I hope they don't penalize her for that. I want her to do well! Better than the singer at least, gah. Maks is grinning away. I love Kirstie and Maks!! I'm getting all emotional now. Bruno LOVED IT. They heard him from SPACE. Carrie Ann loves her. Carrie Ann saw magic which means a 10 I HOPE! Len calls it her best dance. Maks gives Tom a pass on the ass-grab. Carrie Ann: 10! Len: 10! Bruno: 10! YAYYYYYYY!!!! YAYYYYYYY!!!!! They are SO HAPPY. Brooke can't get Kirstie's attention. Kirstie will miss dancing with Maks every day, and calls the celebs idiots (in a nice way) and it's so great. AWWWW HAPPINESS. I love it when everything goes well (so far) in a finale.
Hines & Kym!! Kym liked the Paso, Hines wanted the foxtrot TO GIVE HER JEWELRY, DUDE THAT WAS HIS FAVORITE!? and they compromise on the Samba. What now. Hines takes his pants off in rehearsal and dances with her in his underoos. He hugs her and says he'll miss her. No tears yet but they're talking about THE LAST DAAANCE. The band still can't do this song after 3 times. They were so good when they did this the first time that I don't know if there's the shocking improvement factor of Kirstie, but he sticks his tongue out at her while they're dancing and SOMEHOW THEY RESIST THE URGE TO JUST MAKE OUT. Probably because he has to go kiss his mom. That would have been awkward. Lovefest for all! Everyone is screaming and Carrie Ann can't talk over them. Carrie Ann talks about how he led the dancing and led Kym out of an injury. Len: Hines brings every dance to life, and really loves the band. What? Bruno fell in love with him. Kym was totally confused about what he was saying until he said love,and then looked at Hines with adoration, AWWW. Carrie Ann hugs Len.
Oh man, that IS Sarah Palin in the audience.
PERFECT SCORES FOR ALLLLLL!! No quotes from Hines & Kym. That's no fair! I guess they're short on time. Tom says "It's all over but the math."
I don't think I properly noted that he TOOK HIS PANTS OFF IN REHEARSAL FOR NO APPARENT REASON except that she was nagging him about his legs. She totally thought he was going to just jump her right there in the least sexy way possible, HAHAHA. I AM DRINKING THE WHOLE REST OF THIS SHIT.
OH MAN. MONTAGE. Hines and Kym are snuggling and seriously, HOW IS SHE NOT CRYING. This song better not be the theme song for how they get over each other ("How does it feel without me? I'm getting stronger without you..."), I'm just saying, because the sex pact needs to happen. They're totally laughing instead because they are not drinking as much as me. AWWW. SMILE MONTAGE FOR EVERYONE. YAY SARA EVANS GOOD JOB. WELCOME BACK ALWAYS TO THE DWTS FAMILY BALLROOM.
OH NO. FIRST ELIMINATION. NUUUUU. WHY MUST THIS ALL END IN SADNESS??? CAN'T WE ALL JUST WIN? I CAN'T WATCH. EXCEPT I HAVE TO BECAUSE I'M BLOGGING THIS. Hines & Chelsea look the most nervous.
3rd place: Chelsea and Mark! Kym looks surprised. Kirstie & Maks hug. They're out of time to tell her how awesome she is and send her off to take a bow and REALLY? COME ON. THAT IS THE SADDEST SENDOFF EVER.
Okay I'm all EMOTIONAL because I'm DRINKING but really I JUST LOVE EVERYONE by this point and I think it's enough for Chelsea to have just been in the finals I mean she's 22 she can come do this show again right?? And NOW I'M SUDDENLY WORRIED that I made fanfic where Hines & Kym don't win and what if I jinxed it you guys.
I'm actually okay either way here. I am. But if Kirstie wins, Hines will still have to go back on the football field next season and who knows WHAT the raiders fans will say and and and...
HINES AND KYMMMM!!! She screams! And they need to be making out and they're not and Kym says she's so proud of him and he's like "it's all good!" and Kirstie doesn't look too bummed and I haven't seen Maks yet. But they are adorably full of glee. Hines keeps cool and thanks the fans and they show a Pittsburgh rally right now hahaha. OH GOD, Brooke's last chance to ask stupid questions to Kirstie. Kirstie loves Maks, Maks thanks Kirstie for an amazing season. Tom hands over the trophy and Hines hoists it waaaay over Kym's head and they do the Derek and J-Grey pose they joked they were going to do and Lacey and everybody comes and pounces on them and awwww GLITTER PARADE GLITER PARADE, haha, glitter is collecting in Brooke's cleavage. Where the hell is Kym? All the parting shots are just Hines. BACKSTAGE INTERVIEW TO FOLLOW ON LOCAL NEWS! Which means I have to survive the fucking graverobber story first.
Those trophies are RIDICULOUS. Hahahaha. I love it. They hug and kiss ON THE CHEEK and MAKE OUT YOU GUYS DAMMIT. He missed his prom because he didn't know how to slow dance. Kym is quick to remind him that he knows how to now.
Poor Kirstie is disappointed she didn't win an emmy/mirrorball.
THAT IS WHAT I WATCHED THE GRAVEROBBER STORY FOR. NO MAKEOUTS?
I will be back in another post tomorrow to debrief the awesome post-interviews and GMA shenaniganssss. They are on a plane right now celebrating and having epic gleee and flying to New York. HOPEFULLY SNUGGLING WHILE THEY SLEEP. EEEEEE. YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!<3