Lucky Season 13, everyone!! Season 12 nearly killed me with all the porn-writing (I still haven't posted all of it for you livejournalers, I'm sure you're crushed) and mania and allover glitter obsession, so clearly I should be taking in the Season 13 finale in an utterly calm and collected manner. That's why I purchased a six-pack of Smirnoff Cranberry Lime, which is either a delicious way of saving time or kind of disgusting, WE SHALL SEE.
I'm hotlinking that from Wal-Mart.com, where you can order this shit online. I think they can afford it.
And now (in a few seconds)... LIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Holy shit, the promos! They totally shot the opening credits in a production of Phantom of the Opera and everyone looks hot. This season there's a brand new ballroom! HOLY SHIT, there's serious balcony seating! And some awful overexposed lighting on Tom and Brooke. Brooke, by the way, is now Burke-Charvet. Ooooh, the new stairwell is down the center aisle, and it RETRACTS. There's too much crack fashion to fully report on, but Val is already shirtless. And holy jaysus, Carson put Anna in some Kym-and-Edyta-worthy bikini-and-scarf skankiness! Derek literally jumps up and down in line. Cheryl and Rob make a heart with their hands, and so does Chynna, by herself. "Icons of sports, television, movies, music, headline makers!" I'll note that they don't even cut to reality twits Rob Kardashian and Kristin Cavallari.
Team Ron Artest and Peta Murgatroyd. Everyone in the audience thinks "Wait, another tall blonde Australian?" and then Peta introduces herself by saying, "Watch out, Kym, there's a new Aussie." Oh man. I can't make fun of Ron Artest for doing the show for his chemo-survivor daughter, but I can make fun of him for changing his name to Metta World Peace, and wearing ridiculous mostly naked outfits. And he's wearing bleached hair and a bleached beard. And did I mention silk pants and I'm not even watching their weird cha-cha where they jump up and down randomly because the outfits are so awful. Peta, girl, I had faith in you for being the ONLY ONE to do an interesting pose in your promo shot:
Their team name, by the way, is "PetRon," but clearly, they should have chosen to be called "Heavens to Murgatroyd." Len says it's "all sizzle and no sausage," which means it's bad. Bruno calls him "dance-a-tron." Carrie-Ann calls him "the wild one" and "sexy," so she's clearly started the esteemed tradition of drinking on duty.
No more Celebriquarium!? Brooke has a skybox now! Ron flirts with Brooke and she keeps her cool. I really want to see Carson give them what-for for this ridiculous outfit bullshit. Scores: Carrie-Ann and Bruno, 5, Len gives a 4, Metta World Peace says he should have gotten "some twelves."
Tom comments on my worst nightmare: "This place is crawling with Kardashians." There's a teaser of Cheryl pretending to like Rob K's butt. And a hilarious teaser where David Arquette says he loves mirrored balls, Carson puts the C in Caucasian, and Chaz plays the fogey card.
Ugh, so let's talk about Rob Kardashian. I hate him. I want to continue hating him. I want him to get sent home immediately so that I don't have to see anyone's ugly kat-faces in the audience anymore. However, I love Cheryl and want her to do well. I think in this case, hate triumphs over love.
Sorry, I don't want to inflict his face on you guys, but you probably don't know who he is:
Tom desperately struggles to find anything to say that Rob Kardashian has ever done. There's an awful bumper where they eskimo-kiss.
OH EW. Rob introduces Cheryl to his whole family. Rob wants to beat sister Kim's record on the show, so even this is about her. Cheryl lies that Rob has the potential to go all the way if he stays focused. Cheryl tells Rob: "Don't TOUCH me like that!" Rob: "You're my woman right now!" Cheryl: "You're MY woman right now." Ugh, there's more awfulness/awesomeness where he sexually harasses her and she smacks him down. Poor Sugarplum.
The dance is actually okay! Rob's stiff, probably in more ways than one, but Cheryl beams and looks lovely in a... seriously crazy outfit. Bruno calls Cheryl Rob's mistress and says that Rob needs to relax. Khloe Kardashian starts yelling shit from the audience and they actually stop the show to listen. Carrie Ann says that Rob has potential. Len is "not impressed, but not depressed."
Scores after the break - and then, Kristin Cavallari! Yay, if they can put Elisabetta after that, then everyone I hate will be over with!
I should probably have specified: Rob K and Cheryl eskimo-kiss, not Rob K and Tom. Tom would never allow that shit! Also, their name is Team CherBert, which is clever as far as namesmushes go. Trust me, I'm giving easy points here because the rest of the team names aren't even trying. I'll just call them Team Kardouchian, I think. Scores: Carrie Ann: 6, Len: 5, Bruno: 5. Cheryl thinks Rob has lots of potential. Rob whips out a "vote for us!" t-shirt out of nowhere.
Kristin and Mark - you can't really see how ridiculously non-ballroom this dress is from this shot:
"I'm Kristin Cavallari, and I'm NOT a bitch!" She can't even keep a straight face when she says it. Whatever, I'm still Team Audrina. "I'm Mark Ballas, and I'm one ballroom dancer that's not afraid to take risks." Kristin's recently had a broken engagement, and then Mark hits on her. Mark wants this to be a memorable routine. Oh god, not again. They called their team Team KristinBalls. Yes, BALLS, which I assume is some sort of stupid riff on "amazeballs" or some made-up word, but I think they just wanted to indicate that maybe Kristin Likes Balls and are therefore courting the votes of the all-important six straight men who watch this show.
Their Cha-Cha is bedazzled. It's not bad. Mark crazy-eyes and pelvic-thrusts and why-does-he-always-wear-fucking-white-sp
Tom calls Tony Dovolani "devilishly grinning." YEP. Yay, Chynna and Tony are next!
Scores for Team EyeBalls: 7,6,6. I think. I was distracted. Kristin is terribly uninteresting when Brooke interviews her. Brooke is ROCKING her teleprompter tonight! Maybe becoming Charvet lets her share brain cells.
I'm really rooting for Tony to win, because he never has and I love him, but all the preview footage seemed to suggest that Chynna was going to be difficult to teach. The grey pillow makes an appearance in their bumper. Husband Billy Baldwin is in Chynna's promo, which - has that every happened? Tony promises to bring class all the way to the top. Their rehearsal package involves Chynna kicking him in the nads - accidentally.
Smoke machine appearance #1! Chynna dances on her own a little bit at the beginning and toes a twirl on one toe... she looks LOVELY! And perfect with Tony's dapperness! Oh, Tony! Could this be your season!?!? She does the twirl-through-the-leg move at the end that Karina's so obsessed with in pro dances. Tom says "that doesn't feel like Week 1" AND I AGREE! AND LEN IS GRINNING! Len: "It wasn't the best first dance I've ever seen... but it was CLOSE!" Maaaan, Chynna's had some work done. But Bruno's in love with her. Carrie Ann gives a shout-out to the choreography, YAYYYYY, and then proceeds to fall all over herself about how awesome she is. OH I HAVE SO MUCH HOPE!
Tony says it's been a while since the judges has liked something he did. AWW. Tony has a lot of faith in Chynna, Chynna just hopes her kids are proud of her, omg. Carrie Ann: 8! Len: 7, Bruno, 7. Tony pretty much falls over and can't talk. This is possibly the highest score Tony has gotten in a few seasons.
Nancy Grace and Tristan are next... okay, this pairing is going to be hilarious. Nancy pretends to choke him in the bumper.
I forgot to mention - Chynna and Tony are "Team CHYNNADOVE." In all-caps. Okay, I can't WAIT for someone to trip up on "prosecutor" and call Nancy Grace a former prostitute. Tristan has the luck o' the Irish on his side. They are doing their pre-season rehearsals in the pink and yellow pinata factory that Kym and Hines practiced in last year. I know that, because I've watched every video of Hines and Kym twelve hundred times. DON'T JUDGE ME.
Anyway, Team MacGrace.
Nancy steps out from a green screen, whips off her jacket to reveal a non-revealing disco-ball outfit. Oh, she's kind of adorable! They keep shoving each other as part of the dance, and it's pretty adorable. OMG, she's acting and everything! She actually looks like she's having fun, even if she forgets some steps. I'm going to end up loving both of these people and I thought they were both kind of assholes up until right this very minute. I love that she waits a full thirty seconds pretty much before picking Tristan up off the floor at the end. Her twins are in attendance! Both her babies in the audience and her girls in that dress.
Bruno is enamored. Carrie Ann thinks she's so cute and calls her the happiest contestant she's ever seen, and says she has to remember her choreo. Len was underwhelmed. I'm almost blinded by the light reflecting off Nancy Grace's bedazzled boobs. Tom talks over the judges arguing. OH MY GOD, in the promo before commercials, Carson yells: "I NEED MORE GLITTER OVER HERE!" I can't even express to you how he is ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS FOR THIS SHOW.
Nancy Grace is adorably intimidated. DAMMIT, it only took 90 seconds of dancing for me to like her. Carrie Ann & Len: 5, Bruno, 6. Tristan hugs Nancy a lot and says some things in a thick Irish brogue. Tom says "I'm standing here adjacent to the Harry Wheeler mosh pit." Love.
Next up - Kym "Mrs. Ward" Johnson and David "Mr. Little Red" Arquette. They have called their team "Team GoodTimes." I kind of prefer calling in the ArqKym Asylum, but you know, whatever.
Reigning Champion Kym Johnson and David Arquette have a secret handshake just like she and Hines did last year, but this time it doesn't mean sex. Kym seriously sexes it up in her promo shoot and says "third times a charm!" even though she already has three trophies. Kym threatens to pull David's hair. And then... is she in a fucking wind tunnel? Okay, now they're dancing to Queen!? That's amazing! The band doesn't even really butcher it. Okay, I spoke too soon, this is awful. (The band, I mean. The dance is okay!) This number is sadly kind of a mess of Kym's drapey arm thinggies falling off and the band being horrible. They cut to the pros where Peta makes a "wtf" face. Courteney and Coco are in the audience! David starts telling the judges how he screwed up - he got lost in the dance because he was overstressed. Len is happy they came straight into the dance. Which... everyone kind of did? Omg, Coco is adorable. Len criticizes David telegraphing his mistake. Carrie Ann and Bruno give pointers about calming down and think he has potential. David adorably waves as Coco as he runs over to the skybox.
Carrie Ann: 6, Len: 6, Bruno: 6. David nearly collapses into tears talking about how much he loves Coco and loves that she's here, and they cut to Coco excitedly telling Courteney that her dad's talking about her on TV. OH GOD THE CUTE.
Next up: Elisabetta "I got dumped by George Clooney" Cannalis and Val "Maks' Little Brother" Chmerkovskiy. They have something of a language barrier. And the problem that no one cares about either of them. And Elisabetta has the personality of a dishrag. Sigh.
Team Valisabetta is trying to pretend they're having sex. We still don't care.
The dance? Elisabetta is on a fucking bed and so is Val, and Val is shirtless. And they're dancing to Katy Perry's awesome LAST FRIDAY NIGHT which I forgive to allow to be ruined by this. Okay, the dance is pretty cute. They fake make out, and girflriend has legs for days. Full splits! The band skimps over "menage-a-trois" and makes up some nonsense word instead. Wow, the last move is pretty rad. OMG, they got a standing O! A half-standing O. Aww, Tony is the only pro/celeb to stand and cheer.
Len "didn't mind it" but says the dance was brittle. Bruno says she was very good in bed and "when handled by a man." That's pretty much what she's famous for, so okay. I don't blame her at all - if someone offers you this show, you take it - but the producers must have put her here solely for me to make jokes. The judges all talk like she's going home, except Carrie Ann who gives her actual tips. The "brother against brother battle continues..." I love that Maks and Val are way more interesting than either of their women.
Elisabetta really doesn't deserve all my aggression. But I've been simmering with irritation at Val ever since he tweeted that people shouldn't "split votes." I'm sure he's counting on Elisabetta's huge fan base to carry them singlehandedly, then? SIGH. He is super gorgeous, though. And Val wants the best for Maks, even though he hilariously said in his intro promo that he gave Maks 10 seasons to win a Mirrorball and "if you want to do something right, you've gotta do it yourself." L to the O to the L.
Hope gets a mad cheer, so does Maks. Hope says she can't dance. This starts with Hope schooling Maks at goaltending. Hope tells him his muscles are flabby. And Maks says she sucks at being feminine. They are having fun. Oh man I love that she's flipping him shit constantly! I'm going to love this pairing. They bleep out so much that I barely have anything to comment on!
Team Hope and Maksim? You fuckers aren't even trying! Is this what happens when you don't reply to the email from the producers saying name your team? I'm going to call them Maks' Last Hope and they will like it.
They dance to "Sattelite," and she's not super graceful, but it's fine and I don't think she misses steps. Bruno says she has hope, haha, I'm sure she's never heard that before. He critiques her arms. Carrie Ann says the body contact was "like glue" which is hard for an independent woman. Len has a rather different smile at Hope, like she reminds him of a granddaughter or something. It's weird. OMG CARSON AND ANNA ARE NEXT!!! I CAN'T EVEN WAIT THIS IS LIKE CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAY ALL WRAPPED UP IN GLITTER HOLY OMG.
I have never in my whole entire life been MORE EXCITED for a pairing than this, with my beloved redheaded Russian bitch Anna "No One Can Say My Name" Trebunskaya and Carson "Fab Five" Kressley. They creatively called their team Team CarsonAnna. YOU GUYS ARE BETTER THAN THAT!
Oh, Maks' Last Hope still haven't gotten their scores. Hope dedicates this to her team who are in PORTLAND right now!! OMG I'll bet they're watching this down the road at the soccer pub Rose & Thistle. Scores: 7,7,7. Brooke awesomely asks: "What's it like being with someone who's stronger and a better athlete than you?" Maks and Hope pretend to arm wrestle.
Carson fusses with Anna's hair and IS AWESOME. "I'm most well known for my amazing shoes. If you thought the ballroom was fabulous before, WAIT til you see it when I get done with it!" Anna: "I'm one firey redheaded Russian." They meet and are like "OMG OMG OMG OMG" Carson was disappointed though that Anna wasn't Maks. They pretend to be shopping while they dance. Aww, he makes Anna laugh!
MOVES LIKE JAGGER BITCHES! Anna's string dress looks amazing! Oh man, they look great! And Anna's hair is fabulous! DISCO!! WHAT EVEN! OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE. ANNA IS WHIPPING HER HAIR AND JUST WHAT THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN ON THIS SHOW!
STANDING O IN THE BALLROOM AND MY LIVING ROOM AND WELL DESERVED!! Carson shows off his undershirt.
Carrie Ann says it's BY FAR her favorite dance of the night / her life. The glitter is basically giving her an orgasm. Len hopes he doesn't go home because he's so entertaining, and he tries to critique but he's grinning away. Bruno: "You're redefining camp as an art form." Oh, Anna's BEAMING!! Absolutely my favorite pairing ever. <3 <3 <3 <3 The ballroom continues to scream.
JR and Karina have to follow this?
I am still having a glitter disco induced hot flash over here. Or I'm getting drunk. On one drink, because it's a Monday. CAN I JUST. OH MY GOD. Seriously. ALL MY VOTES. If you ever loved me, you will vote by going to this page and vote for Anna and Carson!!!
Scores for Team How To Look Good Dancing: Carrie Ann: 6, Len: 5, Bruno: 6. Carson "loves that it's double-digits." OMG, Anna looks like she's having the time of her life.
Okay, serious-face. JR Martinez was injured in Iraq and is a soap opera actor and ballroom dancer. He has a ridiculous crush on Karina immediately and it's so cute. Watch yourself, Brad Penny! Karina is rocking the Rachel Berry bangs right now, which is a little weird. They fall a lot. They are totally the new Hines and Kym. In that case, Karina, watch your neck, sister.
There's inexplicably a giant chandelier for their dance. Oh, their V-Waltz is fabulous!! His hand gets stuck up her dress, LOL. Len says it's up there with the best performances of the night. JR mimes doing Bruno's crazy hip dance. Bruno can't wait for the latin dance. Carrie Ann is touched, but is not in tears, because she's distracted by how great technically he was and how easily he put emotional content into his dance on week one. I'm calling these two for the win RIGHT NOW.
In the bumper, Derek almost kicks Lacey in the head.
Haha, nobody is reading this anymore. I forgive you.
Brooke: "When you were serving in Iraq, did you ever imagine you'd be here in a ballroom in front of millions of people?" JR: "Absolutely."
So I don't actually think they're hitting it, but Brad Penny was awful for Boston so I don't feel bad for hoping for it.
Ricki Lake! GO RICKI! GO RICKI! GO RICKI! Oh, I take it back. She just says she's here to get her "slamming body back." And tells Derek exactly what she wants to improve about her body. Stop using this show as a weight loss show, people. YOU'RE RICH AND FAMOUS. GET A FUCKING BOWFLEX. Derek: "Who has three mirrorballs and two thumbs? THIS GUY!" Oh, Ricki, I want to love you, but I kind of hate you both right now.
They named themselves Team DRickilous. I am only going to say that one time. What can I call them? Team Rinky-Dink? I'll think of something!
Their V-waltz is lovely and slick-haired as is everything Derek does. They try to do the one-toe twirl thing that Chynna did so wonderfully, and it's okay, but everything else is really quite lovely. Ricki is already in tears. Carrie Ann says they were part of one person, finishing each other's moves. Len has been looking forward all summer to saying "I don't want to be picky-Ricki..." and Tom calls him on it. HAHA. Derek goes to high-five Ricki and Brooke cuts in. Amazing.
Scores: 7,6,7. Derek feels like that's a good "starting score."
Last: Chaz! I love that he's the one they kept til last because they knew everyone was watching for him. I hope they do well!!!
Team Schwaz. They can keep that.
Oh they actually say that he's transgender right out. Love it! Aww, I think Chaz brought Lacey flowers on their first rehearsal! Chaz and Lacey are fun together. Poor Chaz is stressed that people are rooting for them. "If I can get through the Cha-Cha, I can probably get through any dance." At least they don't have the Jive next!
They do "Dancing In the Streets"! And it's a perfect song choice! And good, and looks very fun with Lacey, and I'm super enjoying the light show that's happening. I AM SO HAPPY THEY GOT THROUGH THAT! Ooooh, they didn't make him cover up his tats! He was probably not supposed to roll up his sleeves. His beautiful fiance's in the audience, but no Cher, so the world doesn't need to actually explode for glitter.
Carrie Ann is so happy he can dance!! Aww, they cut to some of the audience crying. Len: "You came out to enjoy yourself. Shut up!" Oh, someone had to say it. All the judges fawn over him! Love it!!! :) Haha, I love that the stars have to run up the stairs after dancing and then do an interview. Chaz tells Brooke he really wanted to do a good job for everyone supporting him. Brooke says he was icing his knee earlier... hopefully he survives!
Carrie Ann: 6, Len: 5, Bruno: 6. I've completely lost track of the leaderboard. Lacey is so proud of him. Brooke asks how it feels to go last, and Lacey: "It sucks. Really bad." I miss Lacey all the time. Kym in the background looks crazy bored. She's just waiting to check her phones to see all of Hines' texts.
OMG CARSON AND ANNA - even in the voting cutbacks it kills me with joy. 3409, baby!! Now I need to go vote a lot. I LOVE YOU GUYSSSS. <3 <3 <3
Chynna and Tony & JR and Karina are tied at the top, Ron and Peta are at the bottom. Anna&Carson and Chaz&Lacey are still dancing, no one else is. Haha. I didn't look to see if perennial fan favorite associate producer pairing Brad and Kate are still together and still have a monopoly over appearing only over Kym's image in the final cut. If only I wasn't a cheapass and had a DVR!