"Let's see what the
This week's timewaster hour before the results show is... actually useful TV programming. For Meet the Cast, they're bringing out the couples liiiiiiiiive and chatting with them over clips of last night's dance and rehearsal footage. I dig it.
Tom is on top of his game tonight with Ron Artest/Metta World Peace's name change, which is now official and in the credits. Kym 2.0, aka Peta "Heavens to" Murgatroyd, is precious and adorable. Ron/Metta lends his costume hat to Tom, who pretends he's in a silent movie.
Chaz is fundamentally amazing, and Lacey talks about how he's such a shy guy, and no one believes her. They show the first meeting clip of Chaz and Lacey, and Chaz is babbling about how he's so glad he got her, because... "Cheryl Burke scares me." Lacey: "She scares a lot of people."
Cheryl's reign of terror continues in Team Kardouchian's segment, which unfortunately includes a cutaway AND a quote from Kris Jenner, the person who would be your mom in hell if hell was a family unit who worship only attention and plastic surgery. In a rehearsal clip, Cheryl is teaching Rob how to count his dance steps, and he refuses. She's all, "seriously, count to three" and he brats that he hates math and WHY DID HE STUDY MATH IN COLLEGE while Cheryl is like "... it's not math." And he's like "IT HAS NUMBERS." Parents who spoil their only sons: I'm pretty sure Rob Kardashian is your cautionary tale.
Val and Elisabetta have more abs per square inch than my TV has ever seen. Tom tries to cut them some slack about maybe not knowing that Len hates props, and them starting their dance with a bed on stage, and Val mumbles about acting out his fantasies and Elisabettaisreallyhotokay. Tom makes him spell it out. Val: "I just wanted to take my shirt off and be in bed." Tom: "That's the Chmerkovskiy way."
And then Elisabetta almost cries. Poor thing, she has such a hard time with ze English. She makes up for it in abs. Also, her shoulders dislocate scarily all the time, and they show a clip of it from rehearsal, and Val is like thanks for making it seem like the new kid is breaking his partner's arms all the time, thanks for that.
Team ArqKym Asylum: Kym let her hair down tonight and looks much sweeter! She did away with the arm scarves, too. There's an amazing montage of Kym being completely bewildered by Dorquette's rehearsal costumes, which include a superhero outfit complete with bright green underwear outside of a full-body leotard. I completely believe he spent the entire dance rehearsal in that, too. Tom somehow doesn't comment on the brief clip of Kym wearing a Xena Warrior Princess bra, possibly because she's saying "You're the best partner!" to David, and Tom's thinking man, those bitches on the internet who kicked Little Red off their forum for writing porn are going to skywrite this shit as evidence that Kym would never put out for a football player. But let's be real now. Kym could be pregnant right now with Ginger Audrey Sparkletoes Johnson-Ward and in the heat of the moment still think David is the best partner ever. He's wearing a fucking cape.
Meanwhile, Carson and Anna continue to be amazing. Anna's rocking her Farrah hair again. This is a fabulous look for her. Thanks to the stalking magic of twitter, I know that today's her wedding anniversary, and I sure hope Jonathan puts that costume and her hot hair to use. Jonathan/Anna is my original Dancing With the Stars OTP. Carson's never-before-seen footage? His first time in the DWTS costume shop. He tries on Maks's clothes. Maks is amused. Maks somehow became the most awesome through and after his season with Kirstie, and he seems so happy and chill now all the time.
ANNA AND CARSON GET TO DO THE ENCORE TONIGHT!!! :-D YAYYYYY. Len: "You've put the ha ha ha in the cha-cha-cha." This is a non-anniversary-sex reason why Anna's still rocking her fabulous hair for the results show. Their dance is still amazing. Len has never looked so happy. Or Anna, for that matter, who usually gets so slammed by the judges! LOVE FOR EVERYTHING. I've watched that dance a trillion times today. It doesn't get old. The original:
Maks' Last Hope. When Tom asks him to comment on the dance replay, Maks says: "That's the best ballroom frame I've ever had in my life. Me personally." Maks says he's spent three weeks convincing Hope she's awesome and "... that's not my strong suit." Maks says he has Carson building up his ego this season, and Carson mimes "Call me!" from the balcony. There's great footage of Hope calling Maks "more girly than any guy" she's ever met and Maks is speechless. Hope is fucking awesome. This season is going to be great.
Tom: "What's on tap for next week if you make it through?"
Maks: "We're going to work on some media training." Wow, Maks is on his game!! He even cracked Tom up with that.
Team KristinLikesBalls: Their dance was really pretty great, which is unfortunate for me because I find them obnoxious as people. Her expression in the dance at one point really reminds me of Audrina's vacant Rumba stare. They must train that on the Hills. WOAH, Carrie Ann's shoulder is being eaten by a giant red tribble.
Team JR and Karina's Bangs. Tom comments on their chemistry. They almost took out their crazy sweeping twirl from their V-waltz because Karina was getting dropped so many times in training and she pleaded mercy, but they kept it in because of the shiny floor. There's footage of Karina asking where JR's earring was in rehearsal, and he does a comedy routine about looking for his ear after he woke up from his coma. In present day, Karina's almost in tears from laughter or angst about JR's tragic story or from sexual tension or something. I'm thinking we'll be seeing Brad "Future Mr. Smirnoff" Penny's shadow in the rehearsal footage once the baseball season ends.
Montage of pros talking about the new crazy ass ballroom. Kym is REALLY proud about having the biggest mirrorball in North America (Tom: "That's a hotly contested honor.") Tony looks like it's Christmas morning when he first sees the new set. Maks and Derek are going to fight over who gets to use the staircase first, from the sounds of it, but Kym poses dramatically on it in the montage already, so sucks to be you, boys.
Team CHYNNADOVE. It's officially in all-caps on ABC's website, like it's the world's longest acronym. I can't come up with what it might stand for while I'm watching the show and do it justice, because I can get as far as "Chynna Has Your Nanoo-Nanoo" and that doesn't even make any sense. Anyway, Tony is amazed to have a partner who actually works. He doesn't even know how to cope with Chynna coming back the next day better than she was when she left. She says she stays up nights visualizing the troublesome dance moves until she gets them. I still can't tell if I like her, but I like Team ALLCAPS for sure.
Tom is a little afraid of Nancy Grace, I think. He's bracing himself like he thinks she might bite his face. Tom comments on Tristan constantly pawing Nancy's shoulders, and Tristan says it's not a massage, it's in case he needs to choke her. Nancy make cheesy courtroom jokes that are kind of hilarious. There's awesome rehearsal video of Tristan giving a genuinely great motivational speech to Nancy about how she doesn't want to regret not having more fun on the show, or smiling more, or being herself more, and then Nancy goes "Has anyone ever told you you kind of sound like a leprechaun?" Oh my god, I apparently love them both. THIS SHOW DOES THESE THINGS TO ME.
Ricki and Derek are the final couple to talk to Tom for the evening, so obviously they are the favored son & daughter here. I wonder if this means they got the most votes - maybe there's a secret code for how they organize these couples for the timewaster shows, and I'm reasonably sure that in order to even be allowed to read puredwts this season you have to register 500 email addresses to use for Derek votes. I want to love Ricki, because she's Ricki Lake, but I'm still mad about her already giving interviews about weight loss and whatever. I don't know why I expect her to be deeper when she spent 11 years hosting a daytime talk show where broken homes were routinely patched up with some new clothes and free haircuts.
Tom: "Len, what is your twenty-second evaluation of last night?" Len manages to get in a rhyme in under time constraint. That's what makes him the head judge, people. Bruno talks over Carrie Ann to say that the whole cast is "lovely people" this time, which may mean past seasons were full of assholes.
OOOH RESULTS SHOW... previously recorded. I thought they meant the pro dance number was pre-recorded, but I think they just mean that when God invented timezones he decreed that lo, those on the West Coast will have plentiful vineyards and be spared from hurricanes, but in exchange must suffer the burden of seeing live events on a 3-hour time delay. The pro dance is so amazing!! They are using the wicked new stage and being super sexy... OH MY PROS I LOVE YOU BABIES. And... this season's troupe, maybe? Who are these people? Who cares, sexiness, fireworks. OMG, that awesomeness was choreographed by Lacey! Nice job, Lace-girl! I can't wait to see that again. It's so hard to look closely enough at everyone when they're all being awesomely hot.
Brooke is still "Burke-Charvet." I saw an online article she did for People where she talked about her decision to take her husband's name, and that made it sound like she was planning to just be Brooke Charvet. I think she keeps saying her old name on the show, though, because she's afraid the crew might forget who she is. Brooke is simple like that.
First three up are Ricki, Elisabetta and R-Douche. (I was going to call him R-Dash, but that's too close to Rainbow Dash, who would not even begin to put up with the Kardashian shenanigans.)
Wowwwww the dancer's confessional booth is full of GLITTER TASSELS this season. I'll admit it: I'm kind of glad to see Derek again. Wow, they actually had a clip of extra smack talk from the judges for Val and Elisabetta, with Bruno saying off camera that she was like a "lost little girl." And this can never be said enough: Rob and his whole family are douches.
Brooke sounds like she's losing her voice, and is so thrown by the new names on her teleprompter that she can't say the very familiar name "Cheryl." Ricki and Derek are safe. Elisabetta and Val are safe! They are super shocked. Hey, America likes its abs and people who live in other people's shadows! Let's here it for Team Kardouchian... who are in jeopardy. The pros' tassel-dresses from the opening number, as seen up close on Cheryl, are two-tone and kind of crazy!
Oh, Body of Proof. Jeri and Dana are still really pretty. Maybe I'll start watching that again on hulu.
I kind of miss having the Real Bottom Two revealed, because I can't believe that Elisabetta and Val weren't in the bottom two. Elisabetta very graciously babbles thanks to the audience, and Val is still hot. I'm glad he's here! You know, I really like Derek. I don't like the way everyone comes all over themselves saying how awesome he is every time he breathes on the DWTS set, but I really like him.
Montage of everyone meeting each other. Ricki has a crush on JR. JR grew up watching Ricki. Nancy Grace gives Rob K some flak: "Where's your game boy?" Rob: "I'm a man!" Then he tells the camera that "Little does she know, I read BOOKS before I go to bed." I don't think he was trying to be funny there, I think he meant that as proof that Nancy Grace should STFU because he hasn't even touched a Game Boy since Labor Day. Rob totally thinks Chynna is a MILF. Ron Artest wants to go clubbing with Nancy Grace, and in spite of myself, I kind of do too. It's an allover cast lovefest.
Results show artist #1 is Harry Connick Jr! I saw him live once when keenween's parents came for his graduation and took us to the show. I remember he made a joke about his TV-wife Debra Messing, who's from Rhode Island, expecting a big cheer, and no one cared because that was a stupid part of Will and Grace anyway, and he was disappointed in us. Kym and Tony are dancing and they are wonderful. I like to imagine they have an awesome friendship and that he's the one who keeps her up to speed on the necessary knowledge to enjoy Steelers games and is constantly shoving a smartphone with Hines' youtube replays in her face and begging for tickets to Heinz Field. It really is a beautiful dance! They both look so wonderful! I'm pretty sure that was mostly Kym's choreography. I hope Hines was watching that on the big screen and texting her to hold onto that dress for later.
Harry Connick Jr is rooting for JR because his sister's in the army, and he's also "feeling the Chaz vibe." Love it! Tony and Kym are standing on stage feeling burned after dancing for Harry, I'll bet. I love that he actually gave an answer - Tom's always trying to get people to name their favorites and usually no one does.
Next three up: Maks, Mark and Peta. I mean, Hope, Kristin and Ron. I like Hope's confessional when she says "My job is easy, I just have to hold on to Maks for dear life." Awww.
I realize this prayer is a little late because this aired three hours ago on the East Coast, but can Mark and Kristin go home? Please? They have the decency to look worried, at least, but no. Hope's also safe, PetRon are in jeopardy. That's sad, because could we call them MetRon now? I could make so much funny with Metta's new name.
Season 13 Troupe intro! Oksana's back, so's Kiki, Ted Volynets but not his sister, new Aussie Sasha who tells us he's hot, an Aussie Rock Chick who's got a bit of an outback accent and a name I can't figure out, Polish-sounding chick named Dasha who won a lot of awards. Did the producers of the show this season just camp outside an Australian dance competition in an unmarked van waving candy bars at passing dancers? Teddy has a major crush on Sasha. Aussie Rock Chick has blue lowlights in her hair. LOVE THAT BITCH ALREADY. Troupe is going to be way more fun this time around I think. Their number is fabulous. I love it and want to watch it again. You guys schooled last season's troupe but good.
Sneak preview of Madeline Stowe's plastic surgery face's new show "Revenge." I'm not sure how this is a TV show. It looks like a decent story for a 2-hour horror movie. Though actually, her plastic surgery face works really well for the story of an evil rich socialite.
L.M.F.A.O.'s Party Rock Anthem. They came covered in glitter. Someone got the dress code part of their invitation! Hey, Chmerkovskiy boys! And Peta and Cheryl! This is awesome. They are, in fact, sexy and they know it. Hello, Lacey and Mark looking super-white-hip-hop and yet awesome. Pro numbers this season are AMAZING. NO FUCKING WAY, Carrie Ann is rocking out on top of the judge's table!? Did that really just happen!? OH MY GOD, and Bruno's up there too and took his shirt off and HOW DID THAT EVEN JUST HAPPEN. It has been my dream for Carrie Ann to dance on this show. This season is seriously basically everything that was ever in my DWTS hope chest. Oooh! Let's call Hope and Maks' team "hope chest" now, since Maks's chest is the highlight of many evenings on this show.
JR & Karina, Chynna & Tony, Chaz & Lacey. Awwww! Karina and Tom are both so proud of JR right after the dance. And Tom kisses Karina's cheek and tells her she wasn't bad either. And Tony is SO ECSTATIC right after Chynna dances. And in the confessional! Happy Tony! Chaz is such a sweet person.
Chynna and Tony are safe!! Karina and JR are safe! Chaz and Lacey make cute faces at each other... and are safe!!! Karina and JR and Tony and Chynna all run over to hug them and they jump up and down in a massive group hug. AWWW. Cutest moment ever. Everyone loves Chaz!
It surprises me that Grey's Anatomy is always still on, every year. It's like the new ER.
Nancy's toddler twins danced all night after watching the show. Awwww omg, Coco couldn't wait to go home and watch the dance again on TV. Ron's daughter Diamond is also adorable - they need to just have a camera feed on the DWTS daycare room. David talks to Brooke in the skybox about how everyone on the show is so amazing. Both he and Kym are talking so much about everyone else this season - it's really gracious and all, but reminds me of how she and Hines last season were so focused on each other I'm not sure they noticed anyone else even lives in California. Carson tells Brooke that he and Anna are busily sewing their future costumes in his basement - and he doesn't even have a basement. Last night, Maks tells David backstage "Don't mess up." OMG, I love everyone on this show. Carson backstage: "Let's make Dancing With the Stars HAPPEN!" And during Carson's dance Len yells "I know what I want for the encore!" In the confessional, Carson says you can't think of how many people are watching "or you wouldn't make such a jackass of yourself." Anna: "*SPORFLE*" Nancy and Tristan are constantly talking about choking each other.
Kym always looks kind of sick on-stage before her name is called as safe. She was totally scarred by the season of Hoff. They are safe, of course. Nancy and Tristan are in jeopardy. Carson and Anna... are safe! OMG, they are kind of best buds now. It's amazing. They did an interview last night about how they do laundry together and order Chinese food and if it were Utah, Carson would make her take him as her second husband.
I kind of imagine Kym comically seething with jealousy over Anna's role as Carson's #1 girl, because Kym basically imported her own gay army from Australia to do her hair and makeup and help her sew tassels on things and transfer the complete Cher collection to every new ipod she gets, and now Carson's taking Anna to fashion week in New York and designing her outfits with glittery tassels on them and it's not even fair! Evan's probably jealous too that Anna has a new gay BFF to dance with. Evan and Kym should get together and drown their sorrows in champagne and old Hollywood movies. I'll leave it there - I'm not actually going to write that fanfic. You're welcome.
Final elimination... Rob & Cheryl are called safe. Okay, I'm happy for Sugarplum. "Not necessarily the bottom two..." I hate that. I think they're going to make them walk the plank or something? They make Ron and Nancy walk down the center staircase. Len speaks my sentiment: it's dumb to eliminate people after only one week. Seriously, ABC, you could add a week to the season, milk us for more commercial money, and make it one week more likely that one of the pro dancers will snap and physically attack one of the judges. (I know you're thinking Maks, but my money's on Karina for that honor.)
So, Nancy & Tristan, Metta & Peta. Tristan does the ridiculous tongue-waggle that my friend Babs hates with the burning hellfires of a thousand suns. It's like Tristan's thinking I might be eliminated now, and this quick camera-cut might be my only chance to advertise to American women that I'm aces at cunnilingus. I feel a little violated, and also turned on. Aww, I just realized it's the two newbie former-Troupe pros! :( Metta awesomely grooves to the in-jeopardy-music... and is eliminated, because that was more musicality than he showed in his dance last night. He cheers like he won first place. He might be high as a kite, but I'm loving this. "Who's coming with me!" he yells and demands that Peta get a round of applause. That's awfully classy for a guy who wore a bleached goatee 24 hours ago. I feel really bad for Peta! Well, you're set to inherit Kym's role in the lineup when she goes straight from the post-finale Good Morning America appearance to Babies R Us to pick up the tasseled black-and-gold layette she special ordered.
Tom is sad for all the mockery opportunities missed. "We won't lock you out of here, the door's always open." Awww, Ron's being shockingly awesome. You know, in my brackets I had these two going almost all the way. Way to screw that up, guys. Really, is the band singing "The first cut is the deepest"? Of course they are. Never change, DWTS. Never change.