Eee! Tonight at 11: Hope and Maks rehearsed in Portland this week! You've fooled me enough times, KATU. You promise me great DWTS things and then I spend half an hour watching stories about the breaking news of how kids today have taken up jaywalking or who knew, the forecast in Portland is rain between now and next June. Fooled me ENOUGH TIMES! I'm totally going to watch.
Tom: "For Ron, it was Metta World, PEACE OUT!" Man, he wrote that one as soon as he heard about the name change and was just waiting for him to get eliminated, wasn't he? There's a montage of everyone screaming and crying at each other, except Anna and Carson looking like they're having the time of their lives. It's week 2, people! What are you all, Jennifer Grey? Give it a few weeks!
Hydraulic staircase of awesome! Rob looks even more douchey in a hawaiian shirt. I keep forgetting who Mark's partner is. Chynna is rocking the tassels!! She must have stolen them out of Wardrobe while Kym was busy watching Hines play football last night. Poor Brooke, they had her wrangle the tongue-twisting Elisabetta Canalis and Val Chmerkovskiy. Fashion guru Carson Kressley has put himself and Anna into something truly ridiculous. I think Hope is in leather capris. Ricki's also rocking the tassels! PINK tassels! Man, Kym no longer has a lockdown on those things at ALL. Lacey looks awesome in a black-and-white ensemble.
First up: Maks' Last Hope! He's massaging her shoulders in the initial line, but he looks way more freaked than she does. EEEE, my city is on DWTS! She's having trouble translating her soccer footwork to Jive footwork. Maks awesomely tells her that she'll be free on Week 3 because they'll get eliminated, and he doesn't seem stressed at all. They do some really goofy ass-shaking soccer-themed something to that "I don't like your girlfriend!" song. Fabulous! It's kind of a mess in places but they look like they're having a blast and she runs over and kisses Len's head at the end which has GOT to net her at least a 7. And her teammates are there waving her jersey! The purple #1 is the new Terrible Towel. Len really liked it, but notes she lost timing, and Maks is like "whatevs!" as the crowd boos. Bruno tells her that her thighs can crack a walnut, and Bruno says there's a difference between kicks and flicks and they need to put more time in. Carrie Ann liked it. Maks pinches Tom's butt, so apparently that detente is over.
Jesus, how boring am I when I'm not drinking? Suddenly I care about technique instead of who is probably hooking up backstage? HA! I so called it! Carrie Ann and Bruno give 6s, and the kiss got her a 7 from Len. Brooke asks if Maks has a problem with Hope's busy schedule, and he defends his future lovah by saying that all the pros have a problem with how their partners have never danced before, and no time would be enough. Then they twirl each other around to show off the numbers on their backs while her teammates cheer outside. If they hook up, Maks is in for a lifetime of hanging out with women who are all tougher than him.
After the break, Kristin does Marilyn! I still don't care about her.
Last week, Kristin and Mark did something, but I completely forgot. Maybe Mark will do another crazy mime-jive that will make Len's head explode! I loved that last season, I'll be honest. Damn, she makes Mark look tall. He must be so happy about that. He still makes a better girl when he demonstrates the moves than she does, though. God, Mark, the fucking spats! Always with the spats! And the random headbanging? It's a cute dance and totally appropriate - WHAT THE FUCK? Unnecessary random flip from Mark at the end. YOU WERE DOING SO WELL! They pan up to Tristan and Lacey making faces like they're thinking exactly what I'm thinking. He's going to get a lot of noogies backstage later.
Do I even have to comment anymore on Bruno flailing his hands and almost hitting Len in the face? Carrie Ann calls her stunning, "gorgeouuuuus!" Then she sasses Bruno. Len says it wasn't as good as Kristin looks. He shakes his finger at Mark for breaking hold which is against the rules, but really, this isn't even close to a mime-Jive. I think big brother Derek is keeping him in check.
Next up: Kym is glittery! David's wearing a hat! Backstage, everyone's doing the wave, like it's a boring inning at a ballgame! That's kind of how I feel when Kristin dances, so I sympathize.
Kristin and Mark's scores: 8, 7, 7. Watching the bored faces of Cheryl and Tony behind them are more interesting than Kristin. Mark says that Len called him out "rightly so, because I did break the rules."
Darquette and their crazy matching rehearsal muumuus says that the Jive is like him - fun and energetic but complicated. I usually hate when people call themselves complicated, but I'll buy that in this instance.
In rehearsal, Kymmie complains to him that their Jive is terrible and that he needs to stay calm. She has a series of lace skirts that are adorable. Waaay better when you don't let him put you in crazy costumes, hon. Forcing people into crazy costumes is your schtick!
That's nothing compared to what they dance in, though - he's in an entirely gold lame suit! She's the most adorable Jive-er ever, and the dance is so cute! And David is a little awkward but he totally sells it! And he makes hilarious faces. He ends up on the ground twice during the routine, but on purpose. Way better than last week! Courteney and Coco in the audience! And Coco! He threw his gold lame jacket at her in the audience.
Carrie Ann: "Carson has some competition - that was a little bit Carson-esque... but don't get discouraged!" HEY! Carson's taking it all, lady! Carrie Ann, you are ON NOTICE. She says he got a little too loose. Len is speechless because the technique was so completely absent. Kym looks like she might pass out. Bruno says he was like a runaway train, and I don't even care because the camera goes back to Coco petting the gold jacket and talking adorably to Courteney about it. Shocking that the child of David Arquette would never stop talking, right?
kayjay86 just pointed out that Kym is wearing gold as a Steeler Nation shout-out, and OF COURSE she is! She tries to look super happy about scores of 6, 6, 6. Kym is delighted that the audience is booing. Brooke asks how he takes criticism, and then says that they never get to see the "tough side" of Kym, and Kym seems a little baffled that she even has a tough side.
Next up: Val and Elisabetta! I will consider this a success if her arms don't snap off. And if Val takes off his shirt. He could be shirtless in rehearsal and Len wouldn't complain, right? Val and Elisabetta kind of hate each other. Val wants her to stop telling him to relax, and he reminds her that it's her competition and her quickstep, and he wants her to stop giving him attitude and learn something. Val has some crazy nerd glasses.
They're using props again, but this time it's just an Italian dictionary - they should probably keep that. Elisabetta is wearing a gorgeous aqua dress with beautiful sheer wings. Val looks dapper. It doesn't suck! VAL, what did you DO!? Why did you make her dance out of hold in the ONE DANCE where you could have kept her in hold the whole entire time? Tom calls them the bickersons, which I protest, is a nickname that should be reserved for Kurt and Anna forever. I forgive him, though, because he then calls Len "Mr. Scrunchyface."
Mr. Scrunchyface says that it's better than last week. Bruno either liked the dance or he gets off to Car and Driver - I can't tell. Carrie Ann says it's great to see Elisabetta make a comeback. These are the shortest judge's comments I've ever heard. In the skybox, Elisabetta makes even less sense than Brooke, but she has the excuse of not actually speaking our language. Scores: 7, 7, 7!! Holy cow! Maybe they won't be the next to go home. Val tells America that he's a nice guy and that it's about the end result. Aww, I'm happy for Val. Maybe he can be the new hothead now that Maks is all chill and "whatevs!"
Next up: Hawaiian Shirt Night at the frat-house with Rob and Cheryl!
Tom is inexplicably surrounded by tweens as he slams the Kardashians for texting and tweeting from the audience. Oh god, he's rehearsing with a backwards baseball cap. They're not booing you, Rob, they're yelling "DOOOUUUUUUUCHE!" Rob is obsessed with his weight and stares at his gut while Cheryl is like "HEY, I'm waiting for you to catch me here in this dance move!" Cheryl is actually being really nice and encouraging... and then he kicks a hole in the wall of the dance studio trying to bounce off the wall in some breakdancey move?
This is kind of a slow song for the Jive compared to the frenetic songs that Hope and David had. Cheryl looks adorable! I can't really tell how well Rob is dancing because I'm too busy thinking about how he pretty much looks like every boy who tried to slip something in my drink in college at Hawaiian Shirt frat parties. Bruno tells me he did great, though! Carrie Ann says that Rob is officially a better dancer than Kim, and then she says "No disrespect to Kim Kardashian." No, no, you can keep the disrespect in there. She was awful. I thought they flashed to Kim in the audience, but then Rob says she's not there, so maybe that was Nicole Sherzinger? They're both a little kat-face-y in quick cuts. Rob says he was comfortable out there. Scores: 7, 7, 7! Oh man, are Kym and David going to end up at the bottom of the pack? David should have kissed Len's head.
Seriously, are they not going to explain who the heck all those people were around Tom at the beginning of that segment?
Next up: CARSON AND ANNA!!! OH GOD I LOVE THEM. I COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE MORE EXCITED FOR THIS despite their utterly clowny nerdiest of costumes. What are you doing, Carson!?
OMG, Carson and Anna are the BFFiest of BFFs now. "I thought maybe this was my dance! And then we got to the fancy footwork part - false alarm." Love Carson! "I'll bet Chynna Philips doesn't have a headband like this." Carson kind of drops her and she's like "Really? Carsonnnnn..." and he's like "... that didn't work out as planned."
Okay they start in black and white! I love that! But when they go into full color it is WAY technicolor! Oh man, they are SO adorable even though her dress really does look like a birthday cake that exploded. Eeee, they are SO cute! This is another kind of slow Jive song. They end with both of them on the Judges' table and I realize he has green shoes! I think some of the remaining Fab Four might be in the audience? The clips of the audience go by too fast! Carrie Ann saw improvement... in a wobbly way. She was worried that he was going to knock Anna off balance. Len says that if he held his knife and fork like Carson held Anna, he would starve to death. Then he says that Carson worked the hardest this week and did more practicing than anyone else, and that he wants Carson to come back because "the worst dancers are the most fun to watch." He did say that like a compliment, I will say. Anna threatens to throw her awesome yellow shoe at Bruno for saying they looked like they were slipping on banana peels. I hope she gets to keep those!
Scores! 6, 6, 6! Plus ALL THE VOTES because clearly they are the best and everyone on the internet feels that I deserve this, right? RIGHT?
Next up: Team We Seriously Call Ourselves DRickilous. I do love seeing Derek do the Go Ricki dance in the confessional. Ricki tells Derek he's full of shit for making her do the pull-through-the-legs trick. Then Ricki whines for the entire rest of the montage, including saying "Someone call 911, I'm dying." Which is funny, because apparently someone did actually call 911 because she got a bruise? I read that on the internet somewhere, but maybe it's not true, because it's soooo not like DWTS to pass up the opportunity to use some stock ambulance footage and siren sounds. I AM AWFUL AT THIS BEING FUNNY THING WHEN I'M NOT DRINKING OR CAFFEINATED, YOU GUYS. I don't have a problem, I swear.
Woo! Pink tassels! "Hey-ya!" Derek's shirt being open! Ricki grinding up on him! There are so many orgasms happening on puredwts right now, you have no idea. Derek pulls out as many crazy tricks as he can, even jumping over Ricki's head. Backstage, Mark angrily writes in his diary that Len had better bust Derek's chops for that or else. The crack DWTS editing team manages to get some clips of the live dance inside polaroid frames on the video screen behind them.
Len was kind of disturbed by Derek not having enough Jive and, presumably, Derek choreographing a bit of a Mrs. Robinson dance number. I imagine he's not a huge fan of Derek back-talking either, but all in all, Len says he liked it. Okay, that's fair - it was actually a fun dance, but I think he should have stuck with his initial sense of this being the Derek version of the mime-Jive. Gotta keep the Ballas Brat Pack in line! Bruno is in love with Ricki's kicks and flicks. Carrie Ann says it's the best Jive of the night so far.
Mark is sitting behind Brooke and he does, in fact, look really fucking bitter that Len didn't properly call Derek out for choreography shenanigans. I love it. Mark is forever the younger brother who at once wants to beeeee Derek and also secretly wants to trip him on-stage. Ricki says she loves her partner, and Brooke chimes in: "I love you too, Derek!" Scores: 8, 7, 8! Lots of jumping around backstage. Brooke: "By the way, 'sausage' is actually a sweet term." Were there penis references that I completely missed?
*break!* I actually typed *brooke!* first, because apparently I don't actually need to drink.
Man, this new ballroom is crazy. I keep feeling like they're on location or something. Now, Chaz and Lacey! Chaz's knees hate Lacey. Lacey says she doesn't care, but then she feels his knees move and freaks out. Lacey alters the routine to go easier on his knees and he feels like he let her down, and like he might die.
OMG, Lacey is smooching on Psycho Mike in the audience! Then they do a less bouncy than usual quickstep, but all the footwork they do is really good! And they both look so happy! You have to just love them! Unless you think that by watching this your children will somehow turn gay and go to hell, which, I guess you probably don't love Chaz and Lacey very much right now. I don't think I can help you with that. Bruno doesn't go that far, but he does call Chaz an Ewok. Carrie Ann could see him in pain and that his charm takes him far, but not far enough for a good score. Len gives him credit for grit, but not for speed or fitness. I liked it! It wasn't quicksteppy, but I'm totally fine with grading Chaz on a Bristol curve.
*brooke!* (I'm just going to go with that now.)
Hope and Maks are SO DATING ADORABLY in the KATU news promo. Also in the promo... a dog being reunited with its owner after running away.
Brooke asks what's driving Chaz over the pain, and he says he wants to be here, and he's willing to ice and dance and ice and dance for week after week. Cher's twitter army: take it away! Tom mimes that the judges drink during taping. I knew it!
Chynna and Tony are so happy to be at the top of the leaderboard. Happy Tony! Tony says Chynna is feisty but he loves teaching her. She talks to herself a lot and she's difficult but really quite adorable and makes me laugh out loud by saying "fudgesicles!" until she says "Fuck! I'm just going to start cursing! Sorry, Jesus, I have to curse!" Tony falls over laughing and I don't know what is funnier.
Tony's wearing nerd glasses and a pocket protector and Chynna is hot and fabulous. She's definitely watching him for Jive cues for some things but man, she's dancing ALONE with him behind her for a ton of this dance! She's really great, and I think she will get better! And of course she performs well, being a singer, but she also does a bunch of tricks in a really fun way! And her kids are in the audience!
Carrie Ann really enjoys watching her, but she felt like Chynna played it safe (she asked if Chynna was injured before pointing this out, which isn't a good sign). Tony swears he's not giving Carrie Ann any look. Len says it's good but not great. I think this is a problem of Chynna coming out too strong in week 1, which is kind of unfair, judges. Bruno says Chynna's sexy siren is trying to come out. Tom is obviously waiting the entire judge's commentary to say "Oh, they're all fudgesicles!" Love you, Tom! He then promises a performance from all of our male pros tomorrow night. Do the girls all get the night off? Because if the Aussie Rock Chick from the Troupe doesn't get to show up in her punk hair, I'm going to demand that Derek dye his hair blue.
Chynna tells Brooke that Tony is the best. Tony doesn't get to say how much he loves that Chynna is not a raging attitude problem, but you can tell he's thinking it. Scores: 7, 7, 7.
Up next: Nancy, Tristan, and JR and Karina's suspenders! Tristan is my new Dancing With the Stars boyfriend, by the way. I was seduced by his athletic tongue.
grav_ity says that I will have to share him, but has she been photoshopped into a picture with him? I THINK NOT:
Tristan is trying to encourage her, but Nancy is really unsure and looks close to tears in all of the rehearsal clips, and she just turns away from Tristan and refuses to talk when he tells her to do something. He decides to end the rehearsal, and then she apologizes the next day. Awww, Tristan's kind of awesome, and tells her that he should apologize for not finding another way to teach her, and Nancy says that she's never had a trial partner but now she finally has a partner she can rely on and her husband looks up from baby-sitting the twins and is like "the hell!?"
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing and lovely brown outfits! Nancy is rocking some DWTS hair extensions and she's quickstepping and hopping along! Might this show actually soften her up? Behold the power of glitter! ANd Tristan makes sexy faces when he dances, and not in an inappropriate way.
The judges look kind of serious, and there's some joke about a wardrobe malfunction on European DWTS as Nancy's girls try for escape. Len says it's such a relief to see a proper quickstep and is so excited about the razmataz-free choreography. Bruno makes a top-heavy joke, and she performed really well, and Carrie Ann saw improvement. Len and Carrie Ann have a bit of a spat and wave their hands at each other, and then Carrie Ann says she loves the teamwork, and no one finds this ironic at all. Nancy adorably blows kisses to her twins in the audience. Wait, we have three year olds in the audience behaving better than the judges? And I'm surprised? No, I'm really surprised people bring 3 year olds to this and they don't ever run out onto the dance floor in the middle of a Quickstep.
Carrie Ann: 6! Len: 8! Holy cow! Bruno: 7! Behind them, David looks really annoyed. Yeah, I'm thinking David and Kym were underscored compared to the broad strike zone we seem to be using tonight.
*brooke!* haha, that's not really that funny, but I'm enjoying it.
Karina snaps JR's suspender in the bumper and he looks like it actually hurt. Their little baby fist-shaking dance is adorable. JR says he's the guy who's least known. I guess that might be true, since Elisabetta isn't a guy, and Rob... has a famous last name. What is Karina doing? They are doing all kinds of crazy flips and twirls in rehearsals and Karina wants him to show her his masculine side. I'll bet she does!
They start in sepia tones and being newsboys then jump jive and wail and this is amazing!!! EEEEE! The roaring 20s are a good decade for Karina, I'll say that. Oh man, this looks pretty well professional. I love this times a thousand and they end by giving newspapers to the judges and FOR ONCE, the cut back up to the skybox shows people actually looking happy! JR waves everyone to their feet and then kisses Karina's cheek. They cut over to a woman who might be JR's wife? Girlfriend? I hope not, because I'm 'shipping JR and Karina hard here. Sorry, Brad.
Bruno is ecstatic. Carrie Ann growls because Karina did a lift. Len complains that they did a really good Lindy Hop and not a Jive. Karina looks confused and really really adorable with her curled-up-short hair. JR runs up the stairs and swings Karina up behind him. Man, I hope that's not his wife in the audience. Maybe it's his sister. JR is feeding off the crowd. Brooke asks if he has any secret dance experience and he says just a week of rehearsal and hugs Karina. Scores: 7, 7, 8! Not bad, given that they were being penalized for choreography, and even Karina looks really happy... uh, until she thinks the cameras are off. She does grab the back of his shirt to turn him back around, which is adorable.
Now I need to go vote for team From Russia With Style, OF COURSE. I have no idea who's going home next week, but I really hope it's not them! Or Chaz and Lacey, but we're getting into "I really don't want him to get permanently injured" territory there. I guess I should vote for my pretend boyfriend too. If only we could vote people off instead, then I'd have no problems deciding!
Cheryl and Rob, Mark and Kristin, and Val and Elisabetta all look like they could really do without having to stand next to their partners right now. Anna is in happy cake-dress land, and Karina is trying to have a conversation with someone when the camera pans to her. Once again, I somehow miss Associate Producers Brad and Kate's names. I really hope those two are actually engaged in some kind of elaborate workplace romance, because me and the facebook glitter parade spent so much time last season discussing their imaginary shenanigans solely because their names were always on top of clips of Hines & Kym at the end of the show. BRATE, OH BRATE, whose love are you sponsoring this season??