Tonight's timewaster episode is a "Ballroom Special": rewatching all of the dances from last night with "never before seen footage." And, apparently, the judging segments again. Do they really . I already recapped these things, so I'm going to limit myself to three comments for each dance.
Maks' Last Hope: Hope's abs are incredible. Maks says something into her ear during training that I really want to hear. Afterwards, Hope says she had fun.
Kristin And Mark's Eyeballs: I think Len should forgive Mark for breaking frame in the middle, because Mark's right, the music did call for it. However, nail him to the wall for that stupid handspring at the end. Someone was lip-reading the end of the show last night and said that Kristin called Cheryl a bitch and Karina somehow got in the fray and I would just love to see either Cheryl or Karina cut this bitch. That third thing wasn't even related to the dance.
D-Diddy and K-Jo: David and Kym were seriously underscored for this, because he seemed to hit almost all the steps and got the spirit of the dance. Kym's dress alone deserved at least two 7s. In the confessional, Kym tries to convince David that he's a dancer while he fake-cries in that way that means he is this close to actually just bawling all over her.
Team Bruno's Italian Car Fantasies: Val leads Elisabetta very well. I'm still in love with that dress. Elisabetta and Val do a 2-person wave in the confessional booth.
It's unbelievable that I'm actually watching this. They get an extra hour of my life every week with this nonsense!
Alpha Chi Douche: If I didn't hate Rob, this dance would be really cute. Big apologies to Nicole Scherzinger, because the brief cutaway to the kat-face in the audience was definitely actually Kris Jenner. In the Dancer's Confessional, Cheryl says she's proud but looks like she's going to throw up on him - maybe it's the hawaiian shirt making her dizzy.
From Russia With Cake Wrecks: This dance is even cuter next-day! Anna's yellow shoes and green eyeshadow! Anna's adorable sadface and hug when Len insults Carson! "Quickstepapalooza!" Anna gives Carson a stamp of approval in The Dancers Confess, which means he's basically her favorite partner ever, because she could always find something to disapprove of with them. They get an extra two comments allowed for the timewaster episode because they're my favorites. If they don't make it, I'm going to curl into a little ball and cry for days. I have no sense of emotional scale.
Derek's Naked Chest And That One Chick Who Had A Talk Show In The 90s: I like the costumes in this - Derek has a pink lining on his jacket. Holy shit, Ricki pulls Derek up from one pose by his belt buckle, not knowing that if she gets too close to his babymaker the fangirls at home will probably torch her car. Tom is the one who said "He laid the sausage down," so apparently that was the penis joke I missed last night. Bonus comment: Based on the poses he strikes in the confessional, I think Derek spent his season off mostly looking in the mirror complimenting himself on how attractive he is.
Dance Soundz: Chaz's smile is so adorable. Lacey's black lace glove things are awesome. Chaz's showbiz family taught him, "The show must go on!"
You know, a recap of a recap really isn't that interesting.
They gave Tim Allen a new show? Wheel of Fortune is going to film in Portland soon? All of these things are more interesting than the DWTS timewaster hour, but you seriously couldn't pry me away. I'm a glitter junkie.
I think it's funny that only Tom speaks in the timewaster episodes - do they not want to pay Brooke for another hour? Is she still backstage learning how to pronounce Charvet? I'm not kidding - she posted a video on twitter last night of the A/V guys coaching on how to say her own name. Thank God she's pretty!
Tony's Fine Chynna: Tony's wife Lina tweeted last night that he was "HAWTE" and whoever got to tap that ass is a lucky woman. Tony's wife Lina is about to take Brooke's place in my heart as my favorite accessory to DWTS. Chynna's "Sorry Jesus" quote was trending on Twitter last night.
Tristan And the Live Studio Audience Get to Second Base: You know, it's not that I really felt like my life was missing something without seeing anything more than G-rated Nancy Grace, it's just the principle of the thing. They completely cut out even Tom's reaction for this recap. My TV boyfriend's choreography almost makes Len and Carrie Ann come to blows!
Demi Lovato and "The Script" are performing in the results show, but I'm really in this to see what punk extensions Aussie Rock Chick is wearing this time. I suggested pink or orange on twitter. Nobody does orange! She could start a trend! Also, I'm considering orange streaks and I'm a follower, so I need someone to make it cool first by wearing them on national TV.
Team Poor Brad: I've been looking forward to seeing JR and Karina's dance again all day. When Carrie Ann busts on the lift, JR looks at Karina like "what did you do?" and Karina gives the cutest little shrug. JR tells Len in the confessional that their dance was most certainly not a "Lindsay," and Karina just giggles adorably.
Ooooh, actual results show! Woo! I have no idea who is going home. Except it's probably going to be someone I want to keep, so I'm afraid.
Sexy male pro dance number! Val choreographed dance - Maks and Tony and...? play it cool for their bit, Mark and Derek dork-dance it up, the Val, Tristan, and... Kiki I think... have open shirts. Man, I need a bigger TV. I don't know what the heck is going on but it was pretty awesome.
Brooke manages to say "Burke-Charvet" in a way that sounds like she remembers what her name is.
First results! Backstage, Kym tells David to stop looking at her boobs, and we get some nice extra footage of Coco telling her dad she loved it on the audience sidelines and Courtney says it's amazing. Backstage, Carson tells Anna to slap him, and during the dance he tells her "I love you!" Oh, they are just the BFFiest of BFFs and I could not love them more! They get lots of high-fives when they go back to the skybox, and Anna says she hopes there's a next time. Carson says that he'd rather have an 18 that wasn't in 666 format, because that's a really bad sign.
I think Brooke made her dress out of extra fabric from David Arquette's gold lame suit from last night.
I want both of these couples to be safe! But... Carson's superstitions and Anna's smirking face are SAFE! OH GOD YAY I CAN BREATHE NOW!! David and Kym... are in jeopardy. Kym looks like she might cry. Oh, baby. Her face makes me want to cry. Thanks for giving me only four seconds to celebrate Carson's victory, DWTS! You fuckers.
The hell? The judges want to see Ricki and Derek's smut-Jive instead of JR and Karina's Lindy-Jive? I guess they did get the top scores. But really, the choreography makes me a little uncomfortable. I don't think I'd feel that way if Derek had, like, hair on his chest or something - it kind of looks like Ricki's grinding on a 14-year-old. And her son's in the audience! At least, I think that's her son, because the kid in the audience looks a lot like a picture of her kid I saw when he was a toddler.
Brooke v. Teleprompter: Teleprompter is way out in front. Awesome segment starts awesomely with Ricki doing an MTV Cribs sendup of DWTS studios. Derek: "I'll give you a history... this is ACTUALLY where Tony QUIT... and then came right back." Oh God, and they threw in footage of Hines dropping Kym and the joke was pretty funny but can you guys just not show that to us without warning? Although, to be honest, I think I'm kind of deadened to it now, because it just shows up all over the internet if you do things like obsessively google-image-search DWTS-related items which normal people totally do.
Mark and Kristin show off the fridge, hilariously populated with items still labeled "SITCH." Chynna shows the spray-tanning booth, and Tony's naked chest. Carson shows the wardrobe room and it's AMAZING!! Ralph and Hines' costumes from last season are shown, and somebody's bright yellow vest "would work if I was a gay crossing guard." Bristol's gorilla mask "still smells like a tea party."
Elisabetta has a blow-up swimming pool and... oh my god, who cares, Val is almost naked. David golfs from the roof at paparazzi while dressed as Inspector Gadget. He just seriously wears this stuff to go grocery shopping and pick Coco up from school, huh?
Okay, I love it when DWTS does cute scripted bits like that. More, please!
And LIIIIIIIIIVE* (*previously recorded for the East coast dammit), The Script sing an off-key rendition of "Falling for the First Time." DMITRY! CHELSIE! OH I HAVE MISSED YOU! Having a season off hasn't changed them much - Dmitry still shows off his chest and smiles all the time, Chelsie is still dancing barefoot whenever possible. Oh, guys, please just stay. We'll find partners for you. We'll grab someone out of the audience - there are tons of Kardashians just hanging around with nothing to do!
Mark and Kristin - I don't even care about their outtakes! There's this whole off-camera conversation between the dancers and the judges during the commercial break about what Kristin did wrong. OMG, JR and Karina! In the Dancer's Confessional, he goes "We were robbed!" and Karina pushes him off the bench. We get a disturbing new camera shot of Ricki fondling Derek's belt buckle. Derek can't do math, and it's super adorable. Ricki: "I do the math, you just teach me how to dance."
Tom: "All right! Rob Kardashian's math skills!"
Safe: Ricki and Derek. I put an exclamation
Kristin and Mark: Safe. I hate you, America.
JR and Karina: ALSO SAFE! Big group hug distracts from Karina and JR being able to MAKE OUTTTT. Yes, we're starting that up again.
Nancy says she will never forget being on-stage almost getting eliminated. Montage of everyone saying that Tuesday nights suck. David is insane and shirtless yelling "Either you WANT IT or you DON'T!" Val is shirtless in rehearsal. Hope says "I'm paired up with Maks - the honeymoon was over Day 1." Ricki says she can't be sent home because Derek has never been sent home earlier than Week 6... God, did Shannon Elizabeth last that long? Ricki says she also can't be eliminated because she gave birth to her son alone in her bathtub, which shows she's committed. Um, that means that was like fourteen years ago and you didn't live close enough to a hospital. Tom: "Well, we're keeping bathtubs off the set now." Good plan.
Macy's Stars of Dance! Synchronized ballroom swimming! This is amazing! This is my favorite one of these since the time they got a New York City cab onto the stage. Beautiful use of the stairs and feather fans and craziness! I need a bigger TV.
Brooke's Skybox of Horrors: Rob gives some soundbytes and says he's happy. Nancy still sounds near happy tears about her 8. Chaz thinks his ankles and knees will hold up. Behind him, Derek has his shirt open and seems to be thinking about how hot he is. Brooke shoos them on stage.
Last night clips. Cheryl tells Rob she loves him, Rob is like "whatever, oh, I love you." Carrie Ann told Rob that he was a better dancer than Sister Kim, and Cheryl totally didn't hear it because she's confused when Rob references is afterwards. Ha! She does the Kym Johnson thing of totally not hearing a word the judges say and just reacting to the audience cheering or booing.
Carrie Ann cheered before Nancy's Quickstep! That was nice of her. Carrie Ann asks Len "WHO ARE YOU?" when he pulls out an 8.
Backstage after their dance, Lacey told Chaz that it was good and that she warned him the lack of flash would mean low scores.
Results: Rob and Cheryl are safe! I find myself not too upset about this. So maybe I only hate Kristin now. DAMMIT THIS SHOW AND ITS MAGICAL VOODOO PR POWERS. Chaz and Lacey are in jeopardy, and Lacey makes a duh! head-shake, but looks really sad when the camera cuts back to her. Nancy and my TV boyfriend are safe!
So so far, David & Kym and Chaz & Lacey are in jeopardy. I can't even remember who else is left, but basically, the reality twits are safe so tonight's elimination is going to make me upset. Dammit, Tuesday!
There's a series of "rave reviews" for the new show Revenge, and if you squint you realize that they're not from actual press sources but random people's twitter accounts. So, that show is terrible! Good thing I only watch sports and the high-quality programming that is Dancing With the Spray-Tans.
Actor & Rapper Romeo's perfect woman, Demi Lovato, performs "Skyscraper." There is some very weird contemporary interpretive dancing from some people I've never seen before playing on a jungle-gym. It's a little too spastic for the music, I think. I might recognize the blonde hair from someone on SYTYCD last season, so maybe these are SYTYCD alums? OMG, the dancers totally knock into Demi as she's singing, and there's a wind machine, and... well, I'm genuinely impressed with her voice, but the rest of it was Len Voice: "Not my cuppa tea."
More clips and results! Chynna's husband was backstage with her, I think? I need to never look away or I miss things. Chynna cracks Tony up by saying "Playing it safe is not how I roll."
Man, I forgot about Elisabetta entirely since an hour ago. We can send her home, I'd be okay with that. She is adorably ecstatic in the confession booth, though.
Before they start, Maks is like "Hey! Hope! Chill." Hope awesomely asks "What does that MEAN?" when Len does his "Booyakacha!" thing. Hope in confessional says, "I don't want to go home, because I want to be the best at what I do, whatever I do!" and Maks just stares at her in awe.
RESULTS... Safe... Chynna and Tony! YAYYYY! Oh man, BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER. I call bullshit if Maks is in jeopardy. OH YAY, MAKS' LAST HOPE IS COMING BACK NEXT WEEK! Elisabetta and Val are in jeopardy. If Chaz or David were going home they would've teased a "Shocking Elimination," right? Or is that just what they want me to think? It's only Week 2 and I'm already not emotionally stable enough for this show.
This part sucks! I think David gave Kym some downers backstage, because she looks kind of chill now. OOH OMG, the Real Actual Bottom Two! Never mind, Kym's about to cry again. Safe - CHAZ AND LACEY! OMG! I love America!!
It's like they answered all my prayers and then twisted it hard into my chest by putting Mah KayJay and my high school crush in jeopardy!
Oh thank God, Elisabetta and Val. Kym could seriously never have handled her life if she got pushed out by someone who is only famous because George Clooney dumped her. Elisabetta thanks everyone who forced her to do the show. Aww. OH MAN, Val says he wishes he did better for Elisabetta! No, Val, we love you! Come back next season! Maks and Chaz do sadface. Mark looks pissed that he has to even be there - dude, do you have plans or something? Val and Elisabetta both look really hot. They should take comfort in that. I kind of don't want them to have sex with each other, but they should go out tonight and find some beautiful Hollywood people to give them consolation sex.
And man, I hope this Real Bottom Two business a) continues, and b) doesn't push David over the precarious mental health edge he seems to be teetering along. I always wonder about the producers' motivations, and they probably did this to get David & Kym's fans in gear because we (hi! me included!) have been voting for other people thinking they're untouchable, blah blah blah Sabrina Bryan-cakes. I'm pretty sure this could have been solved by Hines tweeting at Steeler Nation to get to the damn phone lines, but he chose not to because Kym told him that David randomly stripped naked in rehearsal because his underwear was stressing him out and then proceeded to keep dancing with her. I'm completely fucking serious. Kym's quote on the matter:
"He said his undies were too soft and his clothes felt weird against them, so his clothes came off. I was like, 'Wow, okay, this is uncomfortable but we'll make it work'," Johnson said.
There's such a thing as being too professional and dedicated to your craft. We really need to work with that chick on her sense of boundaries, because what's acceptable when you're dealing with, say, your two-year-old child in the comfort of your own home is just - Anna or Cheryl would borrow a time machine from Karina and The Situation and then go back in time and storm the fuck out before it even happened. Also, ABC? What the heck? How does a blurred version of this not make it to air in their rehearsal montage?
Or did it just not make it as far as the West Coast broadcast? DAMN YOU, EAST COAST! You steal all the nudity and foul language!
Ah well, Elisabetta, it's been bizarre. David and Kym live to bring adorable Coco Arquette into the audience for yet another week. And Anna and Carson are still my favorites.
Until next week!