Previously not on Dancing With the Stars, after getting bashed by the judges for their Jive, Kym hilariously told paparazzi that Steelers QB Ben Rothlisspellingishard is "a douchebag" for not throwing to Hines Ward, her last season's DWTS partner / future babydaddy. Though basically everyone who has followed Big Ben's off-the-field career for any length of time knows that this is 100% true, the internet kind of ganged up on her for daring to say as much while wearing a sheer blouse (no kidding). So, my glitter sparkleprincess is having a tough week, and David Arquette's promise that his Rumba will be "nearly naked" will not necessarily make it any better.
TONIGHT! Personal Story Week! So, I'm imagining we will have a lot of Rumbas about really depressing things like death, serious injury and drug addiction rather than the kinky sex that Rumbas are supposed to be about. But Carson and Anna will hopefully at least be fun and wonderful!
Brooke is totally dressed in a disco ball! Well, no, it's more chain-mail than disco ball and actually I really like it. And I love the beginning when everyone parades down the stairs at the beginning and you can see all the ridiculous outfits at once. Kym's in a muu-muu, oh my. That's totally coming off, I'm sure. HOPE!! Holy crap, she's dressed like she works at Lady Heather's. ANNA's wearing sexy black with some gorgeous PINK accents! Karina's wearing the most prudish thing I've ever seen her in.
Brooke warns that we might want a box of tissues handy. Tom says they've got two for Carrie Ann. That's probably smart!
First up, Rob and Cheryl, dressed in lucky shamrock green. Holy jeez, Rob has a giant bicep tattoo of Jesus with the crown of thorns. Oh, and a tattoo portrait of his father, which is probably why we were having the tattoo show, since Rob's father died when he was 15. Dammit, this week is going to be so sad that I'll feel like a douche for snarking people!
Oh man, Cheryl's rolling around on the floor in rehearsals giggling. If anyone ships these two, I will smack them! Non-obnoxious cutaway to Kris Jenner in the audience. They dance to "Fly me To the Moon" and oh, it's already lovely just because I like that song so much. I have no idea what dance they're doing - foxtrot, I think. I clearly watch this show for the potential shipping and not for the dance education! Oooh, there's a fun move where Cheryl slides along the floor. And they use the STAIRS at the end! It's very sweet! And... cutaway to Kim Kardashian's boobs, which is less appropriate. I'm sure she's feeling nostalgic about her father, but I can't tell because her face is made of plastic.
Len: "You put the 'dash' into Kardashian." Product placement! Len loved it. Bruno says that "the dominatrix has found her match." Um, stop shipping these two, I'm serious. He also thinks it's Guys and Dolls and Cheryl's like "huh?" Carrie Ann thinks he genuinely makes progress, and she isn't crying yet. Scores: 8, 8, 8! Brooke asks what Rob's father would have thought about Rob doing DWTS, and Rob says that he'd tell him to be goofy. Then he says Brooke is beautiful and so is everyone else.
Next up - teasers for more tragedies! Oh, and Chynna and Tony, who will hopefully not be tragic.
Team ALLCAPS. Chynna's most memorable year is 1990, when Wilson Philips' first single hit, and when she stopped drinking, going to therapy to deal with her abandonment issues from her dad, met her husband. She'll be dancing to her own song, which is pressure for her and probably really a lot of pressure for the DWTS band. Tony wants to include symbolism in the dance like "running away from pain" with literal running. Chynna starts to cry and Tony's really awesome about it, just acting chill.
Man, her dress is beautiful, and so is she, and I love a nice Rumba from Tony! She makes a little mistake and is a little awkward in places (probably when she wants to stop the band and give some tips). Man, she's got some gorgeous lines!! Tony pumps his fist and cheers at the end. YAY!
Bruno calls her a smoldering siren, and adds additional alliteration for good measure. He says her lines belong in a museum to admire. Carrie Ann tells her she's stunning to watch and says it's like butter. "I've never heard that song the way I heard it just now." And Chynna wasn't even singing it! Len says she'll be here for weeks and weeks and has taken the competition to a new level and Tony is like THANK GOD. Maybe we'll see 9s! I hope so!
OH MY GOD, Len's going to be dancing in this week's Macy's Stars of Dance! ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS, THIS SEASON!
Tony is just beeeeaming backstage. Scores: 8 from Carrie Ann and 9s!!!!! from both Len and Bruno! Tony is overwhelmed and says it's cool that his wife is in the audience for a good night. I love Tony's wife Lina! HBIC, that one, for sure. Tom says Len is more charming when he's not giving "nines in German." That took me a second, but then I LOL'd.
Next up: Chaz and Lacey will perform to a Sonny Bono hit and a leopard-print fur vest. Oh my.
Chaz says he's been compared to worse things than an Ewok. Lacey calls the Rumba a slower version of the Cha-Cha. Awww, Chaz says this year is his most memorable year because he's so happy, and he's dancing to "Laugh at Me" by Sonny Bono, who wrote it about Sonny and Cher when they were young "getting kicked out of places." Lacey gets frustrated when she sees it really well and then 5 minutes later it's bad again. In this case, I'm kind of okay with a tribute Rumba.
Aww, I'm loving the 70s stage and outfits and the Rumba is pretty great! It's not sexay, but it really shouldn't be if it's about your dad, I think. And it's a PERFECT song for Chaz! Oh man, I am just loving this! Lacey throws a peace sign at the end and I just love this! Standing O!
Carrie Ann does not have a good face... that's not good. She says she's touched by his courage and she says that it wasn't his best performance because he looked distracted. Carrie Ann says it's breaking her heart to say this. Len says it was his best dance! Woah! And says he applauds his character for working hard on the judges' negative comments. Bruno does some interpretive dance judging. Man, this recap isn't snarky at all because everyone's good and the stories haven't been ridiculous yet! I hope they don't start sucking on my account, though.
Backstage, Chaz says he likes what Len has to say. I'm liking both Brooke and Lacey in super-straight hair. Carrie Ann: 6, Len: "There's still a long way to go" and 6, Bruno: 6. I can't even begin to say what Kristin and Mark are doing in their bumper, but I think it involves a smoke machine going up her skirt.
Kristin will be dancing to Beyonce. Kristin says that she feels Len has to be mean. As expected, Kristin's year is THE MOST BORING THING EVER, because it's 2005, and that's when she graduated from high school and had to decide whether to go to college or not. She is too boring to be on this show. Kristin says, "You don't realize how much goes into just shaking your butt." and Mark is like "I KNOW," and I believe he does. They dance side by side at the beginning, and I've accepted he will be in spats and making crazy faces the whole season no matter what's going on. Mark definitely pulls focus but more because Kristin is just really dull. And when I can look past him I can see that she's kind of talented, and certainly better suited to do Beyonce's moves and shake her boobs than Mark is... so him doing it next to her most of the dance makes it seem like he's mocking her. Anyway, it is a fun party Samba, and I like the song. Mark carries her over to the judges' table. There's a flash up to Hope and David chatting in the celebriquarium, and I remember how much I want to see Hope dance in her bondage wear.
Tom asks how Mark keeps his head from falling off. LOL. I love that Tom finds Mark as ridiculous as I do. Len says the 20% of the dance was Beyonce which he didn't like, but the other 80% was great. Carrie Ann of course loves the Beyonce choreo. Bruno just goes on and on about how sexy Kristin is - oookay. There's some guy in the audience they keep cutting to - Kristin's boyfriend? Do I care? He's probably from the Hills or something. Scores: 8, 8, 8. Brooke says this is the only Samba of the night, which suggests that everything else will be RUMBAS OF TRAGEDY.
Next! Carson!! OMG!!! The best bumper ever! He tries to catch a rose in his teeth and then Anna throws a whole dozen at his face. Hopefully those were fake and without thorns! I LOL'd. Oh man, Kym's sparkletears make me want to vote for her, but oh, I will not be able to live without Carson on this otherwise boring season!!!
I'm really hoping that Carson's most important year was [some awesome fashion reference I can't come up with under time constraint]. You know what I mean! Oh, Carson and Anna, I COULD NOT LOVE YOU MORE ALREADY. Carson was crushed when Len told him he was the worst dancer, because it reminds him of middle school gym. Anna says the upside is that he can only get better. Carson's year is Queer Eye! And he's openly talking about growing up gay, oh man, and worrying that something is wrong with him and his parents might not love him and Queer Eye made him proud and comfortable of who he is. I'm loving Anna's rehearsal white top. OOOH, Anna choreographed their tango around Carson's sense of style!
There's a red carpet made of lights on the stage! Oh, Anna looks AMAZING. Redheads CAN WEAR PINK! OH MY GOD, CARSON IS IN A PINK SATIN SUIT TOP UNDER HIS TRENCH COAT! Tangos are so ridiculous, and therefore sort of perfect for this! Song is No Doubt's It's My Life. Oh man, I am loving Anna's smirk and Carson's facial expressions and the kicks and the ridiculous lighting accents and Anna's hair and I am basically in love with them, can you tell? OH MY GOD, at the end, he pulls off Anna's shoe and holds it up in triumph! INCREDIBLE. And they kiss on the cheek and are adorable and BFFs forever and we're getting that Bravo show, right?
Elisabetta is in the audience!! Bruno says that Carson was "INSANELY BRILLIANT!" and Carson runs and hugs him. Bruno does a whole presentation about how great it is. Carrie Ann is DELIGHTED! She says "I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!" She even credits his technique! Eeeee! OH ANNA, IS THIS YOUR YEAR? (No, it isn't.) Len says he's going to be positive but doesn't need a kiss. He says Carson puts the "boy in flamboyant." The tango had merit! Right attitude! Len enjoyed it! Oh, look at Anna's face getting praise from the judges! Basically everyone is amazing tonight - WHAT IS GOING ON?
Preview: Maks tells Hope to sell it like a sexy bitch. Oh my! Nancy Grace is crying about her daughter, eek. JR is doing a tribute to the troops who didn't make it home, and is therefore going to win this season.
Wow, the celebriquarium is really glittery right now, because they're using a new backdrop. Brooke has to check her notes to get the "worst dancer most fun to watch" quote right. Carson says he competes against himself and they are so positive and adorable. Carrie Ann: "You might want to listen to us NOW!" and 8! Len: 7, Bruno: 8. Brooke: "Anna, does Carson get the most improved award he was hoping for?" Anna: "Yes, and BEST DRESSED! Vote for him please!" Oh man, she is having the time of her life.
Up next, JR and Karina! They really got all the fun dances out of the way so they can break our hearts in the 9 o'clock hour, huh? Those jerks. Wow, the photo of JR with his original face is kind of disconcerting. Wow. He's telling Karina about how it was to look at himself and go through everything he had to go through at 19 and how he wished he hadn't survived and thought no one else could understand. His mother told him that whoever would be in his life would be in his life for him, not for what he looked like, and that turned him around. Karina looks totally overwhelmed, not surprisingly. Oh man, they're dancing to Tim McGraw's "If you're reading this," and could there possibly be a more tear-jerking song in the world? Oh, Karina snuggles him at the end of his story, and I'm not even going to make a Poor Brad joke here.
Oh man, this is totally beautiful and sexy. They are amazing, and he is showing off Karina amazingly. This is actually almost too beautiful to be sad. Awww, their hug at the end! She totally grips his shirt and it's just... omg. And then he's about to cry and she hugs him again and they basically win all the awards forever in Week 3. Thanks for trying out, everyone else!
Carrie Ann: in tears. Karina: in tears. Carrie Ann says something about dancing and how it was great. Man, who has to follow this? Len says JR dances to a standard that is totally unexpected. He critiques technique and everyone boos and Len rolls his eyes and says they have to justify their marks, "You understand, JR!", which is kind of a great moment. Bruno says he did some incredible steps or something that are really rare and people are cheering who might be friends or relatives or just adorable random people in the audience. They should totally label these people with subtitles for me!
Brooke says it's one of the most emotional performances and asks him to describe what it was like, and he's choked up but says he's blessed to be able to portray this with "the amazing teaching of a great friend and a great partner." AND THEN THEY CUT TO MAKS. Are you kidding me?
Scores: Carrie Ann: 9, Len: 8, Bruno: 9. They're tied for the top with Chynna, which we'll probably see a lot.
Brooke asks how it felt for Karina for the responsibility of choreographing this and she says it's an honor to get to dance with JR.
The poor person who has to follow this: Nancy Grace and my TV boyfriend Tristan who - ooooh - has a nice arm tattoo. Nancy had an emergency c-section because otherwise Nancy and one of the twins would die. She didn't know if her daughter would live or die, and the first song she sang to them was Moon River. Aww, and the twins are hanging out in the rehearsal room and Tristan says Nancy's fun-loving and dorky with them, which is adorable. He puts in choreography that mirrors a step toddler Lucy does! Aww! How cute! Oh, my TV boyfriend is good with kids. PERFECT!
Nancy and Tristan! Nancy looks lovely in that dress. I'll let Tristan design outfits for me anytime. Oh no! Nancy picked up her legs on a twirl - Carrie Ann better not call that a lift. This is a beautiful waltz! Oh, I love this song. Nancy leans back at the end and does not pop out of her dress, which I presume is why they put that move in there. Aww, she blows kisses to her twins in the audience, who are very cute and chubby-faced babies. For unknown reasons they cut to Tony and Chynna possibly arguing about something.
Len says Nancy needs better posture, but conveyed the emotion very well. Bruno says the dance was like a mother's embrace. Carrie Ann "was transported." It felt like a live-action lullaby, and Carrie Ann literally just had a fantasia hallucination experience because she says she saw little animals come out and watch them dance in a Disney scene. Can we please check what she's drinking? Brooke calls Nancy "Princess Nancy" and Nancy says she watched the twins smiling during the dance. Scores: 7, 7, 7. Nancy says she's "very happy" because the song and the music and the 21 mean the world to her. She is apparently a big sweetheart when not doing her show?
Next up: Ricki and Derek! Wow, I kind of entirely forgot about them. Apparently I've blocked out their hump-dance from last week.
There's an animated ad for mental health drug Abilify, and they didn't properly align the eyes of their cartoon lady, which makes her seem much crazier "after" taking the drug. Someone on the approval committee has a sense of humor or a vendetta against the company, I think.
Still existing: Ricki and Derek! Ricki's most memorable year is last year, when her house burned down and she met her fiance. Aww, there are clips from her fiance saying he loves her. She says she's eating crow because a year ago she said that she would "never!" do Dancing With the Stars. Until she had a wedding to lose weight for, as I recall from some articles I read about her. Ooooh, smoke machine makes an appearance again this season! Can I say I love that we didn't have the awkward "I want my partner to watch us rehearse the Rumba so they know we're not having sex" scene this year?
Oh man, this is beautiful. She's a wonderful actress! Derek really is an incredible choreographer. Um, they do basically end up on top of each other on the floor at the end, so maybe they SHOULD have had that Rumba rehearsal scene! Ricki: "Why did you interrupt us?" Tom: "Uh, we want to stay on the air!" The judges universally love it.
Next week's results show - Julianne returns! Oh my!
Brooke asks how they stay focused with such an emotional night, and they said that they couldn't watch JR and Karina. Probably wise! Scores: 9, 9, 9! And really well deserved, in my amateur opinion! That really was gorgeous. An entirely non-ridiculous, completely theme-appropriate Rumba! An actual Dance of Love - WHO KNEW?
Hope and David share a bumper where their pros pretend to hold them back from fighting.
Hope and Maks are up next - ah, they're giving David and Kym the pimp spot at the end? Man, the producers are desperate to keep them on! He's kind of the most famous person they have on here, I guess, without a playboy bunny to be seen.
Hope says the judges deserve a red card. Wearing a pretty red slouchy hat, she says 2011 is her year for the World Cup... and getting there... and not winning. She said she worked her whole life for that moment, and she was crushed, but realized that it's about the journey which she never accepted before. Maks keeps telling her she's not sexy, but "she's a gorgeous sexy girl, and she just needs to be herself." HAHA, she totally steps on his nads in practice, oh my lord.
She's cracking up as they start the dance after that last clip from the package. Oh MY, this is sexy and there's a chair in a cha-cha! I really really want to love this. I like it! But it's a little awkward as he's leading her around the floor, I think? OH MAN, now I love it, because she sells it hardcore when she's shaking it on her own. She KISSES HIS NAKED CHEST. HAHA DUCKFACE! She subscribes to the Chelsea Kane school of sexiness. Oh, but I just adore her in that outfit and pretending to have sex with Maks on the dance floor mmm, yes.
Carrie Ann says she's a great dancer and she just really needs Hope to work on her walk and a little more fluidity. Len found it a little too provocative, but the actual Cha-Cha was "very, very good." He says it was her best dance! Bruno is about to explode about how she's a sexy minx, and Hope rolls her eyes and looks away and waves to someone because it's just SO AWKWARD. Bruno is teaching her how to walk now, and it's concerning. Ooooh! Maks does his girly walk across the stage on the way back to the Celebriquarium! Hawt!! I don't even know what just happened. Hope says it's so difficult to pull out the sexy, and she's adorable! Scores: 8, 8, 8! Maks grins and jumps up and down and says he was hoping for her to enjoy herself, and Hope says she ALWAYS has fun, and Maks says her entire team is here and Hope is scared of dancing, and Hope is going to punch him later for that, I think. Yep, I ship it. And if I were writing fic for it, I'd really love to write something after tonight where Maks has Karina angst and then Hope is like, oh no, let's have wild sex with this awesome costume instead. I'm just saying.
Kym pecks a kiss on David's neck in the bumper, but really, I can't be bothered to pretend I think he's a threat to my Hines/Kym OTP!
David was really crushed that the audience didn't vote for him. Oh, his most memorable year is this last year, when his marriage fell apart, and he "escaped into alcohol," and oh man, this is why they put this last - this is what everyone wants to see. I wonder if he wanted to do a different year and the producers were like "nope, we need to know this." He's dancing for his daughter. The rehearsal footage is all Kym telling him he's wonderful. Opposite of last week! Oh, Courtney and Coco are in the audience, oh Courtney. I hope this wins her back.
Kym loves her a Rumba, I'll say that for her. She is dancing her little heart out to distract from David, who's not really that great, to be honest, but he's not terrible, just very unnatural. The muumuu thing is open to show off a bathing suit underneath, and his shirt is open, so, really? This doesn't count as "nearly naked," David. Have you ever watched this show before?
Len said he did a great job, and says "Well done, Kym." Yep, that last bit for sure. Bruno says it's Kym is playing the role of the "femme fatale" and that after being broken hearted, "at the end, [David] will get the girl." Cut to Courtney, looking a little uncomfortable, not surprisingly. Carrie Ann loves David's raw emotion. Man, I am such a total bitch, apparently for criticizing him! Flash over to the Giant Arquette Family. Coco brought friends or cousins or something - I just love that Coco's always there!
The previews for Revenge seem to agree with my initial thought that this show doesn't have long-lasting plot potential, since it already looks like Act IV of a movie.
David tells Brooke that the energy of rehearsal is a challenge. Kym cuts in to say that it was hard to come back after being in the bottom two. Brooke asks if dedicating it to Coco is more pressure, and he says Coco is always an inspiration. Scores: 8, 8, 8! Man, I was totally a bitch for criticizing him! And pshaw - they're totally fine for next week. Breathe easy, Kym! And if you call anyone a douchebag this week, I promise not to tweet it to anyone with a #steelers hashtag so you won't end up on the Pittsburgh news again.
Dang, Chaz and Lacey are really in danger, aren't they? Lacey looks really bummed. Can't we keep everyone except Kristin!? Why aren't I in charge of these things?
Kate and Brad, Associate Producers of Secret Relationships, are over Tom and Brooke this week, so... clearly they're not shipping anyone this season. Even on my glittercrackiest days, I couldn't take the idea of Tom/Brooke seriously!