More importantly, two EPIC THINGS occurred on Twitter last night. Item 1: Hines hijacked his twitter account back from the hands of his publicist to write:
If you don't think this means they are so totally having a secret affair, you're reading the wrong blog.
OH CARSON KRESSLEY, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS ONLY A BABY GLITTERBUG AND PREVAILING FASHION WISDOM PREVENTED ME FROM BUYING THE PINK CORDUROY JUMPER OF MY DREAMS??
ALSO, I'M BASICALLY FAMOUS NOW.
Still, I deign to blog among the common folk since I know you all
Tonight's timewaster episode includes a repeat of all the performances with "never before seen footage," like last week. Tom teases a "surprise guest" in the results show, and I'm going to bet it's Julianne Hough, who wasn't supposed to come til next week but who was in the studio today anyway shooting a promo, according to Tom's twitter. Once again, threeish comments per couple:
Team Kardouchian: Cheryl is making me like Rob a little bit, because he dances well. Rob has never heard of Guys and Dolls, and Cheryl makes a "whatever, Bruno, I'm only paid to teach him to dance" face. I really don't want there to be any merit to the dating rumors, but Cheryl confesses he felt really good to dance with. Et tu, Cheryl?
Team CHYNNADOVE: Chynna's dress and dance and hair flower are all really lovely. I like getting to see Tony's choreography! Tony is so giddy about getting the first 9 of the season! Man, I want that boy to make good this season.
Lacey and Chaz: Still loving the whole 70s scene and Lacey in blonde Cher-hair. I think they were unnecessarily hard on Chaz, score-wise, because his hips do get into it, and because the costumes and deserve a 7 or two. Chaz, while icing his knee, says "Good on ya, Len, for being nice!" and Lacey goes "Is that a British thing?" Man, I hope they don't go home, but I'm not sure his body can take whatever dance comes next.
I like seeing the dances again, but I don't like having to hear the judge's comments twice.
I probably don't need to recap Tuesdays. Tom is doing it for me.
Kristin and Mark: Okay, this is worth it to rewatch it just so I can focus entirely on Mark's facial gymnastics. And neck gymnastics. Boy has a good chiropractor, I think. Apparently the douchey-looking guy in the audience is Kristin's ex who publicly dumped her. She doesn't have ANY other friends or hangers-on she could give her comp tickets to? Len, as a lead-in to criticism: "I'm smiling because... I'm smiling." Mark reprises his score-rap in the confessional booth. Chelsea was way awesomer than Kristin.
Carson and Anna! OH GOD, THEY JUST NEED TO WIN THE MIRRORBALL. It couldn't POSSIBLY go as well in anyone else's home as it would in Carson's! Anna sassily winks at one point in the dance. I'm sure there has never before been a tango done to that song. Elisabetta in the audience - adorable! :) In the confessional, Carson says: "Most improved... I rest my case, Nancy Grace." Anna makes the best faces whenever Carson unexpectedly calls someone out, haha.
kayjay86 and the other members of the Glitter Cabal haven't made it over here yet, which makes me terrified that SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED in the results show and they don't want to watch me bask in my sad, sad last hour of hope. Please don't be Carson and Anna! Or David and Kym. Or Hope and Maks, because they had the most ridiculous ontheredcarpet interview that I'll fetch in a commercial break where I can't figure out
JR and Karina: Oh god, this song. This dance. I just. No other Rumbas need apply. And when she hugs him in front of the judges and is totally just clinging to him, I just- and Carrie Ann is so touched she doesn't even pick on Karina's lift, and that is saying something. Oh, in the confessional, Karina is just SOBBING, and JR says he's so blessed to have a second chance and "for those who didn't make it home, I live in your honor." INTENSE. I saw a link to a video or article or something where it asked the question "Does Karina Smirnoff think one of the judge is out for them this season?" and I sure hope her response was "Um, no, why do you ask?" because bickering about scores after this would really cut into my great adoring love for her right now.
Team Little Red's Boyfriend and Nancy: I'm worried about them tonight, so I'm glad that Nancy in the confessional says "No matter the score, that was the dance of a lifetime for me." Tristan bobs his head next to her really adorably. And I really really love the song and Nancy's dress and the dance was pretty okay too? So, yeah, worried.
Team Ricki's Wig and Derek: There's a tight shot on Anna and Carson standing up to cheer for Ricki and Derek, in a way that suggests no one else does. I think they're like "Yeah, yeah, Derek's brilliant and blowing the roof off traditional dance." They look shocked that they're in first, and Derek says it's "epic." Weren't they in first place last week? Derek must practice his surprised look in the mirror.
Maks's Last Hope: Holy shit, this is even more explicit than I remember, for DWTS. He totally feels her up! "I swear, this is just what happens in the Cha-Cha. Oh yeah, the fishnets too. That's required." I'm really worried about these two, which is sad, because I think Maks might actually have met his match, if he can get her - she's a tough cookie who's not afraid of him, but is vulnerable in the arena of sparkly dancing in which he happens to excel. The cutaways to Hope's soccer team LOLing at the judges are fabulous. Hope confesses that Maks told her about working on her walk, and she was too worried about doing "a LAP DANCE on NATIONAL TELEVISION" and there's a cutback to Maks fondling her boobs while Maks tries to interrupt her confession and fails. Seriously, can one of the Hope fans who reads this to find out what in the epic fuck is this glitter crack show on about and why do I suddenly find myself enjoying it let me know if she's married or something so I can determine how guilty I should feel about pairing her up with Maks in my head for kinky sex? Thanks!
David and Kym: I'm still not sure what her idea was with the patterned beach wrap for this outfit. I have friends who are convinced she's knocked up, but she was wearing a sports bra or something in the rehearsal footage and has abs for days and probably didn't call Hines' QB a douchebag while completely sober, so... yeah. I do love this song, and it worked well. David quotes Coco in the confessional: "Coco wanted a 24, actually. Then she thought it wasn't realistic, and said 23... 21... just get a 20." Coco is MVP of Season 13. Tom asks if 24 was enough to Keep Them Safe. Oh geez.
Real Actual Results Show! LIIIIIIIIIVE* recorded earlier this evening. Brooke looks like she's wearing a dress knitted out of those balls-on-a-steel-chain that are used as curtain chains in my office building.
Mary J. Blige with former champion partners Val and Troupe Dasha. Mary J. is on her game - this is great! Oh man, on the sidelines, the judges are grooving, including Len. Dasha and Val are pretty damn epic. Are they a thing? I ask because Anna and Jonathan have impressed on me the idea that champion couples end up married.
Brooke says that Chaz and Lacey are "adrift" at the bottom. First three - JR & Karina, Ricki and Derek, Chaz & Lacey. The judges say he looked distracted. Backstage, Chaz says that this 18 was their highest score, and Lacey laughs, because their lowest score was a 17.
Backstage, Peta is adjusting her sparkly teal dress behind Ricki and Derek. Whut? Was she on the show last night and I missed it? Ricki cries in the confessional. Man, I wish I drank on weekdays so I could drink for crying.
Man, the shot of JR and Karina before the dance starts is intense as they both try not to cry while listening to the rehearsal package, and Karina is gasp-crying into her mic when the dance ends. Oh baby. And there's a big group hug backstage!! Even Maks tells him he was awesome, and there's a big "you're an inspiration" "you too!" lovefest between JR and Chaz. Karina says that she will cherish this dance for the rest of her "dancing and undancing days" and cries and he hugs her and... wow.
RESULTS! Tom and Brooke talk over each other. The first couple safe - JR and Karina! THANK YOU, show. Let's not fuck around with this particular result. Next couple safe... Ricki and Derek! Derek practices his surprised face again. Chaz and Lacey... Chaz fist-bumps someone - JR? THEY'RE SAFE TOO! Lacey is actually "WHUUUUT!?" about this. Has Chaz been in a group-hug all-safe group every single week? Tom: "Is a favorite going home tonight?" STRESS. Brooke says I don't want to miss this night. Actually, I really might, depending on the outcome.
Encore goes to Chynna and Tony! Maks took Tony to the hospital earlier today with a shoulder injury so I guess he's okay? Whew! Oh man, I hope they're not in jeopardy so they're giving them the encore before they send them home!? I CAN'T EMOTIONALLY HANDLE THIS SHOW! I think Hope and Nancy are the most in danger, but they've been known to surprise me before. Chynna almost starts singing during the dance. Aww! Standing O, and still lovely!
Four couple elimination group:
Before Nancy dances, Tom walks over to her and says "kick ass." That's AWESOME. After, Tristan tells her to "just take it all in." Oh, and afterwards she gets to swing her baby girl into her arm off-camera!
Maks tells Hope "Manhandle me, slowly." Hope: "That's going to happen." JESUS LORD, I don't have to write porn for this couple. Maks makes Hope say "I feel a little bit sexy." and then wants her to say it louder, so she says "I feel like sex on a stick..." HAHAHA.
Backstage, Carson helps Karina with her earrings and then says "You're the competition!" Then dances amazingly. And someone says "I love you." Brooke tells Carson he's her hero.
Rob and Cheryl. Rob apparently kissed her at the end, and they discuss how he didn't slip her tongue, and he says "I'm a gentleman! I asked for your permission first." Uhhh. So basically Rob is the biggest Rob/Cheryl shipper.
RESULTS!! Safe 1st: Rob and Cheryl! I like them less than all the other couples here, but okay. CARSON AND ANNA are in JEOPARDY are you KIDDING ME I CAN'T EVEN. Nancy and Tristan... are safe!? OMG! Maks high-fives Tristan. Hope and Maks... are... also in jeopardy. Hope tells Maks, "Don't make me laugh." Ha! I HATE THIS BOTTOM TWO OUT OF THREE SO FAR, I WANT THEM BOTH TO STAY. SHOW, YOU ARE ON NOTICE.
Who are even left? Chynna and David and...? OH. KRISTIN AND MARK. LET'S GET RID OF THEM PLEASE.
Oooh, filmed segment! How close are our stars? Six degrees of separation between our stars. I can't even begin to explain this but it's amazing, especially the bit where Carson beat Nancy on celebrity jeopardy, and Carson being an extra in Hairspray. Ricki lives in David's old house. Chaz and Chynna had playdates together when they were kids! Hahaha, they have to go through Kevin Bacon to get to JR, and something very complicated to get him back over to Hope. Yeah, not recapping all of that!
Next week is movie score week? Gone with the Wind theme with the troupe, Peta and Val! Aussie Rock Chick!? Do they let her wear punk hair in Scarlett O'Hara dress? YES. It's teal, and matches her dress. Forever LOL. This is so lovely and formal! OMG, Aussie Rock Chick has a tattoo of a treble clef on her back and it's awesome! Good job for not making her cover it, show! And Anna's husband Jonathan choreographed this! Will we get an Anna & Jonathan results dance this season? We had better! They really are my permanent DWTS OTP.
Cher is going to be in the audience next week. Lacey is the most excited. Kristin thinks she "gave it her all" and will make it through. Chynna has "real abandonment issues." Chynna talks like she's safe, because Brooke asks her how it will be to say to goodbye to someone. David says he's all right even though he's been in the bottom two before, and he's lived because he's gotten a spray-tan and danced with Kym.
Macy's Stars of Dance: THE TWIST STARRING LEN GOODMAN!! and grammy winner Estelle, who I've never heard of, but she's very pretty. She brought her own backup dancers. HOLY SHIT THAT IS CHUBBY CHECKER!?!?!?? HE IS ALIVE AND ON DWTS!??? YOU ARE KIDDING ME! Is that Chelsie in this group of random dancers! Len is led out from behind the jduges table and does The Twist, as promised. For like one second, haha, but he was having a blast. Talk about a surprise guest! Holy legends of the 60s, Batman!
Okay, so, Carson and Anna have to be safe to maintain glitter in the universe. I couldn't bear to see Kym's sadface if they aren't safe - in fact, they're jerks for making her wait this long. Hope and Maks need to have porn. And Chynna and Tony! This is Tony's YEAR! So, Mark and Kristin have got to go if there's any justice in the world.
Portland Local News previews: Tonight - a woman wants to buy the perfect wedding dress, but the dress shop closed! Yes, let's get the local news on that.
Mary J. again! I love this bitch. She is a fabulous get for DWTS as far as my level of entertainment goes. And she is wearing a glittery costume which suggests she is also loving this alliance of her & Planet Mirrorball. The song, 25/8, is great and I love her voice and I need to download this album immediately. One of her dancers is kind of creeping me out a little bit, though.
Tony tells Chynna "I got you" while they're dancing and tells her to take a bow. Len says she'll be here for weeks and weeks. DON'T JINX HER LEN.
Kym is kind of frazzled backstage as she tells David to dance from the heart, and Coco MVP Of Season 13 is adorable. Kym says they could be contenders now. I think Kym and David both hug Courtney.
Kristin's like "My ex-fiance's here! I'm so nervous!" Shit, did she not invite him!? THAT was douchey of him! Mark is the MOST sympathetic person in this situation.
Results - SAFE... CHYNNA AND TONY! MUCH DESERVED. Kym, please don't throw up. YAY, they're safe!! Kym: "OH MY GOSH." My thoughts exactly. Kristin and Mark... are in jeopardy. YESSSS. My faves still have a chance! The crowd boos. GUYS, THERE IS ONLY ONE ACCEPTABLE WAY THIS CAN GO.
The stage goes black and pink - THAT'S A GOOD SIGN, RIGHT??? SAFE... CARSON AND ANNA!!! The crowd starts yelling it during the dramatic pause. OH. THANK. GLITTER.
"Not necessarily the bottom two..." Uh oh. Mark has a lot of fans who have millions of email addresses and vote.
Oh geez, they go to Len, Len is like WTF, these two should be fighting for the Mirrorball trophy. "It's just madness, Brooke." Len hates America's voters, got it.
LEAVING... IS... KRISTIN AND MARK!!! OH MY GOD! HOPE AND MAKS LIVE TO SMOLDER ON ANOTHER DAY! THE FORMER SOVIETS MAKS AND ANNA WIN A SMALL TRIUMPH! THIS SEASON IS THE GREATEST THING EVER! I really hope no Kristin fans are reading this (why would they?) because I really don't want to celebrate too loudly on someone else's tears but, okay, Carson told me I'm allowed to wear pink forever and now he's staying on the show, so. Also, I don't hate Mark. I love-to-hate him a little bit because he's ridiculous, but I like him if I like his partner, and hell, the mime-Jive was fabulous last season. Mark looks okay, Derek is gaping in the background. Tom guesses that it's because people thought they were fine and didn't vote... or, you know, her personal story was stupid and everyone else's had some kind of emotional relevance. Ricki looks heartbroken, far more so than either Mark or Kristin, though Kristin mouths "I'M SO BUMMED!" Hope and Nancy hug in a little circle of their own, haha.
We will see Mark's spats in the results shows again, I am sure.
The season of ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS and the liveblogging of my slow descent (further) into glitter insanity continue here next week!