According to Tom, previously, our cast was "rocked to the core" when we lost Kristin Cavallari. Tom tries to do a sendup of Mr. Movie Preview Voice but it only sort of works, which breaks my heart a little, because of how Tom can do no wrong ever. Sir, you've got to stop letting other people write your material!
We start with the stairs separated and a multi-level symphonic version of the band already in session. I think Cheryl is a somehow even sexier-dressed Wonder Woman! Chynna is in red. So is Tristan. Kym and David- OH LORD, CARSON AND ANNA. Carson has goatee! Ricki and Derek are in goth black. Can they PLEASE be dancing to the Addams Family? Chaz and Lacey are totally Rocky. Somewhere in there were Hope and Maks dressed as - Carson has a blond goatee. (I mean, of course - but I always think of goatees as dark because of Spock in Mirror, Mirror.) He steals everybody's sentences, you see? But Maks and Hope are in the cutest cowboy outfits of all time.
Someone gave Brooke way too long a sentence on the teleprompter. There was a memo about that, teleprompter guys.
Troupe featuring Val! And Louis! And Peta! LOUIS!! Is this Last of the Mohicans? I'm about to show how much I don't know any movie themes at all and Papa Red is going to have fly out here from Massachusetts and ask me why I spent so much of my youth reading Star Trek fanfiction instead of getting a proper cinematic education with him and the rest of the family (I sat through a marathon of every single Clint Eastwood movie ever made for my dad's birthday once, doesn't that earn me a pass for the rest of my life?). Oh man, I love the troupe now. These dancers are amazing. Oooh, it's a medley, now I feel less bad. STAR WARS! I KNOW THAT ONE! And... they have lightsabers that make lightsaber noises. OH GEEZ THEY HAVE A LIGHTSABER FIGHT. This is the greatest day of Val and Teddy's lives. Tom: "You can never go wrong with lightsabers and spray-tanning!" Truer words were never spoken.
I hope someone dances to to James Bond, but I don't recall seeing any likely candidates coming down the stairs.
First up, TEAM ALLCAPS doing Mission Impossible! Chynna tweeted that they changed their team name to CHY-T. Still in all-caps, so they can still be TEAM ALLCAPS. There's a montage showing Chynna's listening comprehension issues and Tony trying not to get mad at her. Chynna promises to "show up" for him. Oooh, sexy bumper with Chynna wearing a glitter pistol-holder on her thigh. Teaser before commercials shows Hope getting pissed, Ricki wanting to quit, and trouble in paradise for JR and Karina when she drives him too hard. That's what she said.
Tom reports that the audience was getting really excited during the break because TONY IS ON A LIVEWIRE SUSPENDED FROM THE CEILING. The couples have extra time tonight to feature the music before dancing. Tango! Oh, God, Chynna's dress is delicious! I want to wear that for Halloween, glitter holster and all. I think she may have completely lost her place in the Tango, because there's a period where she doesn't move at all, but it could have been the music making them pause. Oh man, no, she's just falling apart. :( All the suspension from the ceiling probably distracted her. Tom tells her "You're good," and asks if she's okay.
Tom reminds Len that they're allowing "mucking about at the beginning" tonight, per the producers. Len says the challenge is for the professionals because of balancing the character of the dance between the movie and the dance they're doing. Tony is crushed. Bruno tells her she's "slash and burn hot - but you lost the plot!" Carrie Ann tries to console her and says "This is a ballroom dance competition! It's not serious!" and Tom says "Have you seen the prize you get at the end?" and mimes the mirrorball. Tony is limping! Oh man.
Up at Brooke's velour pad, Chynna says that everyone did a tremendous job, but she was thrown by the smoke and the live music. Chynna couldn't find a way to get back in the dance, and she's beautiful and is still composed which I love, and Tony says he's so proud she didn't stop dancing. Brooke says the same thing happened to her, claiming that story will "humanize the moment." It would, sweetie, if you weren't an alien from Planet Glitterball. (I've decided that's her problem - Earthling isn't her first language. God, I love Brooke!)
Scores: 7, 7, 7. That's not bad! The judges all said the part she did before she flailed was excellent, so I guess that's why the scores are higher than I expected. Tony says he hurt his ankle during dress rehearsal but he's okay, and that even the pros have all blanked out on stage.
David and Kym are doing Indiana Jones and Kym is getting REALLY aggressive with a plastic snake in the bumper. Oh my. She has seemed borderline asleep for parts of this season, so I'm imagining that someone hooked her up with a massive jolt of five hour energy with a sparkle fairydust chaser.
Tom introduces our "A-List rooting section" - Cher with fake dreds I think, and Courteney Cox (who are not sitting together, but are the most famous people in here for sure. They did promise us A-Listers this season! Always read the fine print, kids).
Kym says that they have an advantage because David is a movie star. David is dyslexic and confused about left and right. Kym goes: "What is wrong with you today?" Kym says that since Kristin left after one of the best dances of the night, they should just have fun and use lots of props. At one point David goes "LET'S DO THIS!" while Kym is just lying on the floor. Haha.
OH MY SWEET LORD, David swings in on a motherfucking vine! Kym was in a cage! Paso! Paso! Paso! She looks fierce in her ripped up outfit. At one point he swings her through her legs and then drags her while she's in a crazy pretzel pose - I don't even know how to describe dances like this, but there's a lot of draggin and twirling and Kym's big hair. I mean, he swung in on a motherfucking rope, that's kind of an instant 10, no?
Bruno comments that Carrie Ann is about to run off into the jungle with David. She says something that's basically that he's masculine and she's about to have at least half an orgasm at the judges' table. Len, on the other hand, calls it "the temple of doom." David mouths back about "Are you saying I shouldn't stomp my feet in the Paso?" and so Len goes off about all the Paso things he didn't see and Bruno starts showing his "tight buttocks" for the camera. There's basically a judges' melee going on so Tom actually sends David and Kym away without a resolution from Len.
Scores! 8, 7, 8! Kym says that's great! In the background, Karina's having a heck of a fun time clapping with her pink gloves.
Tom says Len is upset because Indiana Jones is cooler than James Bond. Now I *really* hope someone has the James Bond theme! Then he announces Carson and there's an awkward transition to commercial with NO BUMPER!? WHAT? I FEEL CHEATED. Maybe they're busy wheeling in a boat for their Pirates of the Caribbean goatee theme!
Val and the Troupe are back! Maybe that's why Carson and Anna don't get a bumper. Aww! Oh they are doing "Raindrops keep falling on my head" and then medleying into things I don't know. Aussie Rock Chick is still rocking the teal extensions! Seriously, how much do you want to party with that chick? Now... is this the Godfather? Jesus, this is the most embarrassing recap ever. I need to stop pretending I know any of these songs. But Val and Dasha get to dance together and that should be a feature of EVERY EPISODE. Carson is wearing an eyepatch backstage and Anna's hiding in a barrel.
In rehearsal, Carson was worried that pirates had to be masculine, but then he realized they're men in tight pants and open ruffled shirts looking for jewelry, and he decided he could handle it. This is the greatest show ever made. OMG THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A SWORDFIGHT! SOMEBODY'S GIVING ANNA A SWORD! Anna: "I jump like a girl!" Carson: "So do I, we'll be fine." They group-hug the stuntman who came to teach them sword work. AM I DREAMING. I love this show. Tom: "Carson and Anna will try to shiver your timbers after the break." OMG, CONSIDER THEM SHIVERED.
Tom says he hopes we're sitting down for Carson and Anna's dance. OH GOD. "Len ho! ARRR!" This is actually happening right now. SMOKE! They're pretending to be on a boat! They have cannon pyrotechnics! AND SWORD FIGHTING. AND ANNA'S AMAZING DRESS! It's like she got shipwrecked somewhere just off the coast of Steampunk Isle.
And a great Viennese Waltz that also includes skipping and piratey moves and ALL THE AWARDS. ALL OF THEM. You can just hear Len's head smacking the desk through all of this. But it's so graceful in points and wonderful and Anna does a fabulous floor spin and they are my favorites forever! OMG THEY RELEASE A FUCKING PINK SKULL & CROSSBONES FLAG AT THE END. HOLY FUCK. THE GLITTER APOCALYPSE BEGINS RIGHT NOW. CHER IS IN THE AUDIENCE AND THERE'S A PINK SKULL AND CROSSBONES FLAG IN THE GODDAMN GLITTERBALLROOM.
Carrie Ann: "This was like being on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, but... weirder." Carrie Ann says Carson was kind of butch. She's addicted to his performances but is a little "errrnnngh" (direct quote) in the technique. Len says it's like childbirth - terrible when it's happening and a joy when it's over. He says it's terrible but - Anna and Carson yell "We still love you!" OH MY GOD, CARSON HAS A LEN HEART TATTOO ON HIS CHEST. Oh my GOD! Len says "If I was at home, I'd be phoning for you." And his heart grew three sizes that day. <3 BRUNO: "Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The revenge of the gay blade!" OH MY SWEET LORD. Carson admits the sword got in the way so they lost some steps and Anna looks at him like "why are you ADMITTING this!"
Scores: 7, 6, 7. Carson says he feels bad for letting Anna down and hopes people vote, and happy birthday to his niece. Aww. I'M VOTING EARLY AND OFTEN.
Backstage, Nancy combes my boyfriend's chest hair. They will be dancing to a Queen song. Oh my. Could it be...?
OH GOD, IT'S ACTUALLY FLASH GORDON!! My ex introduced me to this utterly ridiculous and epic piece of cinematic awesomeness. My boyfriend Tristan is backstage at Nancy's show and busts into the CLOSET where she's apparently filming to tell her that she needs to be that badass. I think Tristan just told her she has more balls than him. He's not wrong! Nancy asks if there's any remote chance she can kill Tristan in the end. He says there's always a possibility.
OH MY GOD. THEY WIN FOR SONG ALONE!! FLASH HAS SAVED EVERY ONE OF US! I am so happy right now, I don't even care what they do in the dance. They have pyrotechnics and Nancy is doing surprisingly well with the paso. Tristan "kills" her and she gets up and flashes her legs to us and now they are dancing again. She's got her Fierce Face on. She's surprisingly good at this! They try to end in a split-ish thing that doesn't look great but man. Just. The SONG. And I sure hope Tristan brings that crazy jacket home to the fantasy bedroom I've dreamed up for us in imaginary land, because I could incorporate that paso into my doble, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Len says her dancing is competent but it's not exciting because it lacked performance and expression. Really? Bruno tells her to become a ballbreaker. My God, what was I watching that they weren't watching? Carrie Ann was watching my version and says we should give Nancy more credit, and her note is just to connect more to the audience.
Nancy tells Brooke that she thought their paso was great! Love it. Scores: 7, 7, 7. I'm still mad that Len gave Carson a 6. Nancy graciously says she's just happy she managed to do the paso.
Bumper: Maks does the does the yawn-put-arm-around-her and Hope dumps fake popcorn on his head. So she's playing hard to get this week, I see.
Jessica Biel is advertising "Just Bitten" lip balm. "Have you ever been bitten?" Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer, for making stalking and biting to draw blood something I'm supposed to find sexy and worthy of lip balm.
Backstage, Hope shoots Maks with a banana. Well, okay then. In rehearsal, Hope wants to get "Rocky." Instead, they get "You've Got a Friend" from Toy Story. LOL. They hug and are friends, and then Maks says: "Wait for 5 minutes."
Maks swears at Hope a lot, because she wants to go over and over things and he wants to move on. Hope sounds like she's about to cry. Maks doesn't want her to keep doing things wrong over and over because she gets frustrated, and he doesn't think it's worth the frustration. They're learning to work together, and they are really fucking adorable. NNNGGGHHH I SHIP IT OKAY.
OH GOD THIS IS THE CUTEST THING EVER ALREADY. They blow kisses on the stairs and there are cowboy hat antics and oh the cute! And she's dancing so well! And her cute pants! I think she misses a bit on something that I will pretend I know for sure is a contra check, but could just be any other dance word. OH GOD, it's so cute!! And there's a creepy jack in the box on the stage! Hey, surprise Donny Osmond! And a cute little Buzz Lightyear in the audience that is probably a relative of Hope's?
Bruno says when Maks is nice, Hope is nice. Maks says "She's always nice!" Seriously, has Maks just been this adorable teddy bear this whole time, or does the Disney theme and the ball-busting soccer star just bring it out in him? Carrie Ann says they beat all their expectations and they looked like they were having such fun. Len: "I get frustrated, and I'll tell you why." Tom: "Age?" Len says that Hope could go all the way. Len tells her to polish more in the rehearsal room, and wants Maks to stop swearing at her. Maks and Hope adorably bow together to him. Holy crikey, I could not love this more. Maks does a victory dance in the celebriquarium. Hope tells Brooke they're in the rehearsal room until 2 AM, but they will commit even more.
Scores: 8, 8, 8! Highest score of the night so far! Hope says "That came from all of our hard work." Awww, I love it when they're smiling!
Rob and Cheryl will dance to the theme from Superman... "Super Cheryl," Tom corrects. Interesting!
Tom is standing in fog. Rob and his bright blue tick underoos are about to dance to the Superman theme! Rob feels the Superman dance is perfect for him because he seems to own his own pair of Clark Kent glasses, or something. Cheryl through her teeth compliments Rob for busting on her when she messes up. Rob says that people think he's a "loser brother who's never had a job before." Yes. I think he's saying DWTS is his first job. Cheryl is happy that he's working hard. Okay, I admit it, he's a little endearing on this show.
They should have had high wires for this! But no! Rob as Clark Kent drags Cheryl in Superman blue and Wonder Woman arm bands, and now they are Paso-ing. This is actually a fabulous song for this. They look really good! At the end, Rob whips off his glasses and Cheryl pulls his shirt open to reveal... a somewhat lopsided K. That's unintentionally perfect.
Carrie Ann loved it. Len hates everything, but says he didn't mind it. He can't go into Carrie Ann raptures because Rob looked like a waiter instead of a bullfighter. (Mild mannered waiter by day...?) Bruno says it's time for Rob to leave Smallville and take on the world. Bruno says no one will do it for Rob, he has to do it himself. Life lessons from Bruno, right here. Sad shot of Mark Ballas in the audience. He wears a suit well, I will say that for him. I'll bet he's wearing spats right now.
Brooke asks if Rob has ever worked this hard before. He says "You know I have! That's why I graduated from the University of Southern Cal!" *sigh* Scores: 8, 8, 8. In the background, Kym is slapping David(?)'s leg and I can't tell if she's frustrated or just bored.
Derek and Ricki are obviously doing Psycho because the bumper is him pretending to stab her in the shower. Don't hold anything back, guys.
Tom asks how Ricki will do tonight. I assume top of the leaderboard. I'm bored of their dominance, but maybe they will do something awesome! They are, in fact, doing Psycho. Apparently this music is a beast to choreograph - no kidding! Ricki and Derek are both feeling pressure. Ricki asks if anyone has quit the show, and Derek says lots of people want to. Wow, that bad wig I thought Ricki had last week seem to be permanent extensions. She's having a breakdown, and Derek is really very attractive.
They start with crazy shadow puppet action. They look hawt in all black! Nice job choreographing anything to this, Derek! And it's fabulous. Okay, they deserve to be at the top of the leaderboard. I typically dislike the tango, but this is kind of the perfect song for my general feelings of how frantic this dance is, and I actually like it! And hey, Ricki ends up stabbed, and it's not even the Paso Doble! Carrie Ann is going "WOW" and Bruno throws his hands up. Ricki's now got red extensions in her jet-black hair for the evening and they look great.
Len says he lost the lead out of his pencil with the excitement and Tom has to turn around because he's laughing so hard. Len says "Top of the leaderboard." Yup. Bruno says it's worthy of 3 sequels. Carrie Ann says "Brilliant. In the ballroom. DONE." Well, then.
They have multiple shooting locations in the new celebriquarium, so Ricki and Derek get lost. Derek says the intensity of the music led to their intense week. Scores: a billion. Or: Carrie Ann: 10, Len: 9, Bruno: 10. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? 29 ON WEEK 4!? Where the fuck can they possibly go from here??? Although that dance actually was pretty damn perfect. Kym, Tristan, Carson and Nancy get up to give them a celebri-ovation. That made-up word doesn't really work, does it? I need something better. Standing Provation? We'll go with that.
In the bumper, JR and Chaz arm-wrestle while Karina and Lacey cat-fight and start choking each other. Okay?
Okay, I really wish I were watching Pan-Am this season and weren't being virtuous about restricting myself to only four hours of glitter crack and every sporting event imaginable. Maybe it's on hulu.
Chaz and Lacey will dance, as predicted, to Rocky! Flashback to Lacey's adorable face when they were called safe.
Chaz loved Rocky the movie and Lacey has gotten a fresh blonding, I think. I hope no one gets punched by accident in this rehearsal footage. OMG, RICHARD SIMMONS IN GOLD LAME. He says he borrowed his gold lame from the Kardashians. Boxing movie montage! Okay, that was pretty great.
Man, the Rocky theme is just one of the happiest things on Earth, isn't it? OMG I LOVE THIS! GO CHAZ!! And Lacey's Americana skirt! Maybe that twirl-on-the-ground move is required for the paso. Chaz runs up the stairs at the end and punches at the camera and does the Rocky arms and Cher is excited in the audience but can't really move her face but it's CHER so I can't criticize because she's CHER, HOLY MOTHER OF GLITTER! That was excellent.
Bruno says Chaz has the true spirit of Rocky. Oh man, Carrie Ann is crying. "You get under my skin and make me ROOT for you! I was like GO, GO, GO!" Cher looks like she might cry too and then stands and cheers for him and oh. <3 <3 <3 Len has a singing moment for "Getting Stronger!" He says it wasn't a knockout performance but it was his best dance to date. Tom says Derek is in the lead (ACCURATE) and then corrects "Ricki and Derek."
Chaz tells Brooke his whole family is here. Scores: 7, 7, 7! Aww, I root for Chaz. Lacey loves having him as a partner.
Last up - JR and Karina do the Pink Panther. He's really excited about his fake mustache. Almost as excited as Karina is about her pink gloves.
Okay, let's see JR and Karina do silly instead of heroic! Karina is wearing some ridiculous things in rehearsal. Emergency - Carson to Studio One! She says she's driving JR as hard as she would a professional dancer. Haha, he wishes he weren't so good, I'm sure. JR doesn't like anything about the Foxtrot. Nick Kosovich! He came in to teach JR how to lead Karina. Nick: "That was 50% better. You have about 500% to go." HA.
Eeeeee PINK PANTHER. Tonight just has the best music ever! So many royalties! JR has a flashlight and a pink suit we didn't see in the rehearsal room - EXCELLENT. Nice secret pink all around this season! LOL on the slo-mo ass-shaking. I love this! Comedy without stopping the dance! So wonderful! Shot of the balcony with Kym telling Cheryl that it was good. Wow, JR has got to get rid of the mustache.
What? Carrie Ann says it was "okay." The technique was all there, and the performance fell flat, because she didn't like the humor. JR claps for her, I presume ironically. Len! "This was the best male dancer of the night." Carrie Ann thinks he calls her "this" and gets huffy. He enjoyed the humor! It was fabulous! Bruno liked the subtle humor. They gave him a prop to hold - the pink diamond - so he's happy. About JR: "What more do you want?" Yep, precisely! I really want JR and Karina to be the iceberg to Derek and Ricki's Titanic. (I don't need Carson and Anna to win the Mirrorball in order for my life to continue. I don't. I just need them to get to the finals so they can have a full 20 outfits in a single Freestyle of epic quick-changes. YOU KNOW THEY WOULD.)
Brooke asks JR who the one to beat is, and JR says Ricki and Derek but anything can happen. He gives a bit of an ode to his mustache - damn, he's never getting rid of that thing, is he? I'm not sure I can 'ship him with Karina while he's wearing it. Brad Penny, you win this round. Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 9! Bruno: 9! YAY! Brooke reminds Karina that she has never won, and asks what JR needs to do to win. Karina says JR's on the right track and the audience cheers. Nnnghhh. I need for Karina, Anna, Maks or Tony to take it all this year. Seriously, the former Eastern Bloc has been silent since Alec Mazo in Season 1. THE SOVIETS MUST RISE AGAIN!
Leaderboard: Ricki & Derek with near-perfect 29, at the bottom are Carson and Anna with 20. They don't look too put out about it, possibly because of Anna's amazing shipwreck-hair. Chynna looks shell-shocked in the lineup, everyone else is having fun, except Kym who's distractedly looking for the active camera so she can send secret semaphore signals with her hawt ragged dress to Hines in Pittsburgh. I'm just saying!
If you love me, you will vote for Carson and Anna! ARRRR! (Well, I won't spurn your future love if you don't vote. It's a figure of speech. But really! I love them and they were PIRATES!)