Strangely, I'm still just as into My Little Pony.
Yes! I knew all the glorious has-beens would come out for this! We open with a troupe dance to a Bangles medley performed LIVE. They sound entirely sick of this and/or like they haven't used their voices since 1989, but damn is it awesome seeing our troupe Walk like an Egyptian. Does Botox affect your voice, I wonder? I'm SO MEAN! And it hasn't even started! Bruno and Carrie Ann ham it up over at the judges' table!
HOLY JESUS, BROOKE! HER HAIR IS TEASED! HER SHOULDER PADS ARE HUGE! HER DRESS IS MADE OF GLITTER! Tom tells us to fire up the flux capacitor. ALREADY IN MY DELOREAN, TOM!
Oh my god, this is truly an epic display of neon and big hair as Our Stars come down the stage. OMG ANNA AND CARSON ARE IN TRACK SUITS AND SUNGLASSES! Ricki BELONGS in the 80s of course! Lacey looks like a birthday cake. I really can't talk smack right now, though, since I'm wearing cutoff jeans over tights at home, on my couch, in 2011. Man, are there only 6 stars left?? This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to this show.
Halfway point of the competition! The judges will talk about each couple before they dance.
First up - Maks and Hope! Carrie Ann says that she's a true competitor, most athletic, she's "not the most feminine on the dance floor," Carrie Ann says her natural sexiness will come out and she needs a relationship. Hope and Maks have a love-hate relationship and they need to work as one unit and "if they do that, oooh, that is going to be hot." Carrie Ann needs to write us some damn fanfic!
Last week, Maks's Last Hope did Toy Story. This week, Maks does a sailor shirt and Hope says she will not miss Maks at all when the show is over. Maks says they have a love-love relationship, except when rehearsing. Hope wears some pink leggings in rehearsal to get into the spirit of things. Dance! OH MY SWEET LORD, my recap can do NOTHING without pictures of their sexy-ass vinyl coats. Oh my god they look hot! I like some crazy stretchy thing they do and their tango promenade and mostly Hope's amazing outfit and the fact that they are Tango-ing to LIVING ON A PRAYER and there are fishnets involved. At the end Hope does a bit into a microphone stand and it's totally tubular!
Massive cheering, and Len in a fetching pink shirt making a face. He talks right to Maks, which is never a good sign. Then he said Hope is too willowy, but he liked the aggression and attack. Hope rolls her massively eyelinered eyes. Bruno tells her she's Full Alexis Carrington 80s Bitch. Carrie Ann bangs the table for attention, and says that they're both right and then gets distracted by how she just wants to kill Len and Bruno. She finally gets around to giving advice which is "Less is more, you're a beautiful dancer, you could be at the top." Maks and Hope both pinch Tom's butt, and Tom says "About time she got in on that!" God bless everything. Tom's suit sleeves are really short and I don't know enough about the 80s to say whether that was the fashion then. My father spent much of the 80s either dressing in tails for piano concerts or dressing in a tutu for performance art pieces filmed on the mean streets of Toronto, so I didn't have much exposure to standard 80s businesswear.
Brooke dabs a tissue on Hope's face because she's bleeding and asks Maks "What did you do to her!?" Brooke asks them how they would define their relationship, since Maks called it "love-love" in the rehearsal package. Hope says they "love to hate each other." Maks says their relationship is "productive... no really, we're great friends." Uh-huh. I've heard that real good friends line somewhere before.
AWWWW 80s toddler pictures of Hope and Maks! Brooke says they were a cute couple already. Maks's photo is from him being kicked out of a school play because he was bad. Oh my God, this night. ALREADY RADICAL.
Carson and Anna are on mini-trampolines! Bruno's advice to them: "Carson is what the show is all about." YES. He's producing some of the most memorable moments (read: all of them). Technique is poor, but the tango was brilliant. Carson can't look sloppy, must be precise in the Jive, etc.
All of this glitter is getting in my eyes. I'd wipe it off but I keep knocking my face with all my bangle bracelets.
Tom's suit is one of his that he actually wore in the 80s, so that question is resolved! Bumper: Carson is kneeling on a pyramid of black-shirted techies backstage. In rehearsal, Carson is scared about having a bad week. Anna has spectacular eyelashes and accurately says that Carson is the heart and fun of the show and without him the show will be ".... less exciting." Carson does Anna's hair in a scrunchy (he dresses her up like she's a fiesty fashion doll! so adorable). He's stressed about the Jive so he steps out for a moment, screams, and comes back. They are entirely amazing.
HOLY CRAP! OH MY GOD SECRET CHEERLEADER OUTFITS AND POM-POMS! He does a cartwheel! "Wake me up before you Go-Go" has NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD! This is so ridiculously campy and fun and there is SO MUCH NEON AND SIDE PONYTAIL AND HIGH KICKS AND ADORABLENESS! They try a crazy leg twirl at the end that didn't work in rehearsal or in the dance but WHO FREAKING CARES when you've got pom-poms and the audience is jumping up and down and Anna's hair has had the LIFE crimped out of it!
Bruno: "It's a crowning achievement in madness." Because there was almost Jive and it was utterly insanely awesome - WELL HE'S HALF RIGHT. Carrie Ann was looking for technique and didn't see it and says Richard Simmons was envying the outfits. Len says he likes Carson: "You know I like you," and Carson flirts: "I've been getting your letters." Len says his heart would bring them back next week but his head says it wasn't good enough. Carson says "We'll let America decide!" Dancing 2nd is basically the death spot, so maybe the producers are done with The Carson Show. AMERICA WILL SHOW THEM! #OCCUPYDWTS!
In the Celebriquarium, Carson high-fives everyone. He tells Brooke that his love affair with Anna is not romantic, but "shoes, and we work around that." He loves cheerleading for how 80s it is and gives a shout-out to "class of 87!" No 80s family pictures! Scores: 6, 6, 7. The crowd boos the sixes. Brooke asks Anna what she really thinks, and she's so high on Carson happiness that she just glows about their outfits and stories and how everyone should vote.
Nancy & My Boouuuuyfren: Len wasn't interesting in Nancy opening her skirt in the Paso. He doesn't want "an older lady trying to look like some young floozy - it doesn't work." Tell that to... look whatever I say next is going to be mean, but you can fill in your own blank of past DWTS stars and it would probably work just as well.
HOLY SHIT, Nancy kisses up on a photo of Tony backstage and Tristan looks jealous. Hey, Tristan, pros before hos! Nancy mocks Len's critique of her not being exciting enough by saying she thought the same thing when he was doing the twist with Chubby Checker (which was awesome if you missed that night). Nancy was a cheerleader in the 80s and recites a cheer for a bemused Tristan. Tristan asks Nancy to let people finish a sentence sometimes. "I've seen you do this on your show! 'Woah, woah, woah!'" Nancy and Tristan squabble some more about whether Tristan is allowed to talk and whether Tristan is sexy enough or Nancy has balance. They are so stinking cute. Nancy is Tristan's Jerry Springer - he's going to be a fan favorite on DWTS forever now just like Kym.
Tristan flirts with Carrie Ann to Nancy's exaggerated distress, and then he and Nancy do a flirty cute Rumba to "True" by Spandau Ballet, and I had to look that up because it's one of those songs that's just "omg 80s" without ever really noticing the lyrics or artist. Carrie Ann was bored. Len enjoyed the Rumba for the "ease and elegance" and Bruno says she pitched it right and it was one of her best performances.
Photos of the judges in the 80s!! What on Earth is happening here!? There are no words. Bruno's a shirtless teen, Len has eye makeup (Tom later says "A cross between Gene Simmons and Orville Reddenbacher", which is TRUE), and I don't even know WHAT is happening with Carrie Ann but she's in white facepaint and some kind of geometrically shaped bodice.
Brooke asks if it's challenging to let Tristan be in charge. Nancy says Tristan should stop acting like he's the dancer who knows things about dancing, and Tristan says too bad, Lady, it's his job. Seriously, how can you not love them? Scores: 7, 7, 8. Bruno's just in a one-upping mood tonight! Nancy is "so happy to get one 8, I have to go lie down."
Brooke's shoulder pads never stop being awesome. Man, the Troupe got to have crazy costume fun tonight! The Bangles sing Manic Monday, but the mania has been treated with a heavy dose of lithium. This is just making me so sad. The lighting crew went all out this week, I will say that! Aussie Rock Chick's still Aussie Rocking the teal streaks in her hair. I'm thinking she could've gone for some neon pink this week to match the ballroom.
Backstage, Karina has a perm and JR has dealiebobbers on his head. Bruno says: JR exudes magic. He doesn't do anything wrong, but needs extra finish. They have a montage of Karina's partners failing to do the Samba.
I'm on extra Karina-watch tonight because she just postponed her wedding to Brad Penny. It's possible she's joining the ranks of all the baseball teams who no longer want anything to do with him, or possibly she just can't find a wedding dress when teaching JR to do the Samba. The vertical Samba. I don't know what you're thinking, but get your head out of the gutter and back in the ballroom.
Karina blows a wig off JR's head with a blow-dryer. JR says he's Latin and always danced with his mom. Karina tells him that she's going to be really tough on him and tells him to "embrace it." Karina and JR go out to a Samba club and dance to tap into his Latin roots. JR promises us "Jose Rene Martinez" tonight. And apparently a sassy Karina in a red dress!
They dance to "Conga" and daaaang is it excellent!!! He keeps up with her perfectly and it's hawt!! I had to stop typing to get closer to the TV and just staaaare. Karina has tanned herself into a whole other ethnicity, by the way. The audience is screeeaming and I would too if it wouldn't scare my neighbors. LOVE IT!
Len: "I didn't think you'd come out and perform anything like that" and now JR is the new standard for how guys should dance the Samba. Bruno points out a woman who wanted to throw herself off a balcony and I think he said "The Kardashians are gagging" which is some kind of crazy blow job reference and I... um... moving on. Carrie Ann "wants more!" I haven't seen any audience shots of JR's girlfriend, and believe me, I'm watching for that now that Karina has put off her gown-shopping to teach him the Samba.
Brooke says Karina threw everything at him including Samba rolls, and JR goes "And props! She threw props." Scores: 9! 9! Bruno makes the audience scream before: 10!!!!!! Jose Rene says the thing about Latinos is that they love having fun with dancing and the music and possibly having double-crossing romances with their sexy latin-dance-champ partners. The camera shut off before that last bit.
Oh man, Cheryl, layered 80s hair is not a good look for you. Len on Rob: Rob needs to be the leading man in the Roomba. There's footage of Cheryl telling Rob not to lie on her and him nuzzling her boob instead of getting off her, while Len comments on their hawt sexy chemistry to a montage of Rob basically drooling after Cheryl while she's like, step off, man-child. Producers, stop trying to make CherBert happen.
I am so falling down on my 80s slang shout-outs. I should have said "gag me with a spoon" at least once. Anyway, in the bumper, Rob has a boom box, which is actually rad.
Cheryl tells Rob he needs to be sexy, and THANK GOD Rob tells the camera that he doesn't really see Cheryl "like that." Cheryl tells him to quit treating her like she's one of his sisters when they're dancing, and Rob's like "ew." OMG ROMEO! ROMEO! Romeo says he's here to teach him "how to make this woman beg for you." How Cheryl keeps it together during this is just beyond me. How anyone is expected to be sensual when dressed in that much neon green is also beyond me!
Huh. "Hello" is an example of a song that becomes less annoying when covered by the DWTS band. There is some ass-grabbing and actual sexiness in this, although the latter is mostly Cheryl, who is the XX counterpart to Maks's sex on a stick. I'm warming up to Cheryl's hair, and her makeup is fabulous! I think her hair looks better when mussed up by sexy-dancing.
Bruno says Rob is a "Hearth-ROB" - I see what you did there. He says he's using Cheryl as a partner, not hiding behind her. Carrie Ann: "You were totally control of the woman!" and then corrects 'woman' to "...'Cheryl,' I'm sorry." Hahaha, Carrie Ann is scared of Cheryl too. Len says this is a hard dance for guys because they have to try to be masculine. Rob took command in the dance and led Cheryl. Len says that he should stop trying to do the splits because "you could ruin your potential." Cheryl: "At least he tried!" Did that happen?
Brooke asks if Rob is scared of what DWTS will ask of him next. He doesn't want to take his shirt off. Cheryl goes "You're getting there!" and messes with his shirt buttons and he swats her hand away. I'm still holding strong on my they're-not-hitting-it stance, but I wouldn't blame you for shipping them at this point. Brooke to Cheryl: "It was working for all of us backstage, was it working for you?" Cheryl: "Totally, I'm soooo hot right now." Tom: "That read as so sincere."
Chaz and Lacey's cake dress do the robot. Carrie Ann loves Chaz but he needs to push the limit - "More movement, less walking." Man, this is a weird season.
Biopic movies like "J Edgar" are weird because actors don't quite look like themselves or the person they're pretending to be. It's not that shocking in the movie, but sometimes in previews it weirds me out. Also, ABC is really trying to expand their monopoly on my week from just Mondays and Tuesdays to Sunday by advertising shows I actually kind of want to see.
That is not at all a good look for Lacey. I'm not sure she was alive in the 80s though, so she gets a pass. In the confessional, Chaz punches the camera. Oh man, they're doing the Samba too!? Chaz: "I feel nervous getting up and doing spectacles." Lacey laughs: "Well, good job about doing Dancing With the Stars!" OMG, Lacey's dad! Her dad's name is actually Buddy, and he can freaking kill it. Buddy says: "Big guys have more to shake! It's okay!"
Chaz is at a prop bar and has a fauxhawk and HIS outfit is fanTASTIC. Aww, and he's pretty adorable and indeed shakes it. Somehow watching Chaz always feels like watching a kid dance. You just really want him to do well and are totally willing to grade on a curve because he's grinning and it's SO CUTE! Their song was "Get Down On It" and they did, indeed, get down on it. I'm saying it before whoever the first judge is can! Judges?
Carrie Ann: It's nice to see him going strong, great content, most dancing he's seen. Carrie Ann one-ups my cheezy line by saying "Shake it, don't break it, took your mama 9 months to make it!" Wow. Carrie Ann 1, Little Red 0. Len: "Gallant effort." He got the feel for the dance, gave it "a go." Bruno says JR is a tough act to follow but he did well.
OH MY GOD, PIC OF BROOKE'S AMAZING HAIR TEASED UP TO EVERYWHERE. Chaz says that Buddy Schwimmer is the Dance Doctor, and Chaz says he's not injured anymore so things are changing. Scores: 7. 7, 7. Somewhere, Anna is telling Carson that what he needs to do is look more like a puppy when he smiles.
David & Kym are tagging something back-stage. Carrie Ann's report on David: she says he's a leading man that doesn't know it yet, and needs balance. She thinks he doesn't believe he's sexy, and she wants him to stop thinking. There's a montage of David's least sexy dancing faces. Best dance: paso, and Tango is the ballroom version of the Paso. Didn't know that, but probably should have because they like to wear red and black in both of them.
David spray-paints a Mirrorball trophy mural because he's AWESOME, and he says he hopes Kym likes it, although really, there's no WAY she's getting that out of the hands of the prop department to hang up anywhere in Hines's sprawling mansion. David's having a better time with this dance, although he complains when Kym tries to make him break hold which will get them "in trouble." Kym sulks that he's a goody-two-shoes while David does an imitation of Chris Jericho doing an imitation of Len. "It's like ordering fish and not getting the chips!" At one point, Kym brats, "When did YOU become choreographer extraordinaire?" She needs to go next door and take lessons from Cheryl in putting her stars in their rightful place!
"ANARCHY IN THE BALLROOM!" Holy crap, Kym put a skirt on her Hoff bodice kind of and it's hot as hell. Tainted Love and leather and a backdrop like we're outside a club with fliers and spray-paint and chains and HELL YES, this is the 80s I would have enjoyed if I hadn't been 8. This season is making me like the Tango now!?!? I love this! David kicks almost as high as KayJay, which is scary and awesome all at the same time. That was GNARLY, dude!
Tom's a real fan of the Len impression. Len says he knows he's a fuddy-duddy, but he says it had a great 80s feel and "the phrasing and the choreography were great." Kym tries to thank him and he steamrolls right over her - apparently he was celebrating David's choreography. Bruno says something about Billy Idol while there's a cutaway to Courteney tearing up in the audience. And then what the fuck? Carrie Ann kisses Len's cheek and forgets what she's saying. She says David has to work on musicality. Tom: "Kids, when we all talk at the same time, WE HEAR NOTHING!" Carrie Ann says he's a contender. Tom ends the judges' persistent squabbling with: "Now it's MY turn!"
Next week: Broadway week! Holy crap. I can't even imagine Kym's showtunegasm when she heard that. Kym looks completely "weird, huh?" when Brooke says David's a contender. David's a nervous wreck and Brooke comments on it, while Kym says they're having tons of fun. Carrie Ann: 8! Len: 9! (Kym almost faints) Bruno 8! David starts saying everything he's ever heard in a British accent. "ANARCHY IN THE UK! MANCHESTER UNITED!" These two kill me. This is what I wanted to see all season! Better late than pleather!
I don't watch Castle, but there's apparently a jealousy-over-guest-star themed episode tonight and I love that basically always. Oh, and Once Upon a Time looks unfortunately awesome. ABC, I don't have any more time to give to you without becoming a fucking shut-in.
Ricki and Derek! Tom pulls a Brooke and flubs the teleprompter, and says "Thank goodness we're not live."
Derek doesn't know what happened in the 80s because he was a little bebe. Ricki of course starred in Hairspray. They "lighten up" and do a hairspray dance. Quit whining, Ricki! Is it Derek that brings it out in women? OMG JOHN WATERS SHOWS UP!!!! OH MY GOD. John Waters and his pencil stache says they're gonna knock 'em dead.
Foxtrot! Prom theme! "Easy Lover"! Derek looks amazing as the Cool Kid from every single 80s movie and does the whole thing in sunglasses. Ooooh total hairspray shoutout! Ricki says she looks ridiculous. Tom says "It's 80s week! Everybody looks ridiculous!"
Bruno got really mad that they did the Roger Rabbit out of rhythm and should have stayed in hold. Derek says it's his fault and Bruno says "You can't be a genius every week." Carrie Ann says they work like they're one person. Len: "No one likes funk like I do. I was a funkateer!" It's not a move that he appreciates in the foxtrot, there was no body contact in the hold, footwork was hit and miss, not their best or worst. Derek's like eh, whatevs, while Ricki looks destroyed to get criticism.
Ricki says she's rooting for JR and they're all friends. Brooke says Derek was in diapers, so we can't expect him to rock the 80s vibe. Scores: 8, 8, 8. They high-five, and Ricki's grateful since she messed up, and Derek's just grateful to have survived pairing the foxtrot with that song. Fair enough! He yelps that he's keeping the hair and I WISH HE WOULD.
Haha Maks always gets up before Brooke is done talking at the end.
Wow. Faves are JR and Karina for dance awesomeness, Kym and David for PUNK RAWWWK and Carson and Anna for MISS CONGENIALITY AND MY VOTES ALWAYS! <3 <3 <3 Because let's be real, this season is going to be boring as hell if they don't stay. And I'm pretty sure their freestyle will be able to bring peace in our time and clothe the poor faaaabulously. That said: ANARCHY IN THE UK!!!!! (When we have punk rock week, I'll dress how I did in the late 90s. I was late on the bandwagon, OK? It's hard to be punk rock when you're 8 and have rainbow ribbons woven in the spokes of your bicycle.)