Teaser: Can Carson be saved? HE HAD JUST BETTER BE. It's Brooke, without teased hair! I liked that look on her. Starting off, Madonna montage! Oksana shakes it like no virgin I have ever met before. She and Sasha are pretty amazing dancers, and Sasha does some crazy gymnastic tricks! Peta and Val are super sexy and awesome in "Like a Prayer" and omg, WHAT IS THIS SEASON where the Troupe is one of the best things to watch? And do we really need a gospel choir in the background every time this song is ever sung on television? (Yes.) Wow, way to go Troupies and ex-Troupies! You killed it! Man, Oksana is still incredibly pocket-sized.
Recap of last night: JR & Karina are at the top, Carson and Anna are at the bottom. Len says this season is crazy. Len says strangers on the street say things like "Fancy Chynna going! Fancy Kristin going!" "Don't moan, if you don't phone." Len worked on that all night. Tom asks if we're supposed to believe that Americans started a sentence with 'fancy'. I ask if we're supposed to believe Americans still care about Kristin being eliminated.
First results: Ricki and Derek, Maks and Hope!
Ricki last night said that she gets to wear the prom dress she couldn't fit into as a kid. They do the Roger Rabbit backstage for the cameras to show they got it. Maks told Hope "Just me, none of them." I think he's said that before. Hope cries in confessional that nothing's ever good enough, while Maks grins at her and shakes his head. It's not strange when you consider how many tears he's seen shed over this show by people less cool under pressure than Hope. In the hallway, Hope says she doesn't think she can do this anymore, while Maks is trying to tell her there's no problem, and then when she says quitty things he replies "Well, this I can't help you." He doesn't sound angry though. He can't get enough of her in whatever mood she's in - it's so oddly un-Maks-like.
First saved... Ricki and Derek! I think Ricki says "I feel like I won!" and then tells Hope and Maks they're also safe... but Brooke says they're in jeopardy. Maks pets Hope's hair and it's cute, and they still look really hot in those outfits.
For 80s week, they got Kelly Clarkson and The Band Perry to play. NICE GET, GUYS. Why even call this 80s Week instead of 80s Monday? There wasn't a single hair band looking for an excuse to get out of rehab for the evening?
Brooke's Skybox of Horrors: Where Teleprompters Attack. I really miss her giant shoulder pads too. Brooke should be 80s always. Rob says each one of his ex girlfriends called him and asked why he wasn't that way with them. Brooke says "Nice work Cheryl." David's floating on a cloud because Len accepted him. JR is also on a cloud and will go right back to rehearsal after the show to try and keep the momentum. JR admits that he's confident about tonight. David says "I voted for you, JR!" Brooke asks, "Seriously?" and David gibbers total nonsense. I think the two of them probably have the strangest non-sensical conversations backstage where no one actually says anything but they end up feeling like the other person is really deep.
Tom brings us back from the "big cloudy lovefest" and tells us that stars' nerves and relationships with their partners are fraying. Carson says DWTS is like "love connection" online dating. Nancy thought Tristan had a lot of tattoos. JR says Karina had a big smile "of confusion... like, what happened to him?" JR and Karina are each other's therapists ("God knows I need one, and God knows she needs one.") Anna took a bath in Carson's apartment and left ponytail holders that he carries around for her. Nancy thinks Tristan is a dictator. Ricki says Derek has a breaking point. Hope says "what makes a good teammate is not a best friend" but she and Maks really respect each other. I'm wavering on my 'ship feelings here, but the hotness is really difficult to deny. Anna is the Dolce to Carson's Gabana. I'm not wavering on my bravo-ship feelings that they need to co-host a talk show on Bravo at all. MUST HAPPEN.
Kelly Clarkson comes on to sing "Mr. Know-it-All" and I don't really love her music, but girl can SING and is much better live. Woah! Kym is dancing in the tasseltopia outfit from last season's Rumba with my boyfriend Tristan! My friend Babs is going to be maaaaad. Kymmie looks right into the camera at one point - haha, she is so wearing that outfit to keep Hines' attention on his teevee screen every Monday and Tuesday nights. Man, they are amazing dancers. This is gorgeous! This makes me like this song. Kelly says she was distracted and flipping out because the dancers were so hot and having sexytimes in front of her while she's singing. Tom tries to get her to agree to be on a future season of DWTS right there. Doesn't Fox own her soul into eternity? If not, GET THIS BITCH ON DWTS STAT!
New feature! Our Friends At AT&T are helping us share stories of incredibly talented people who probably have great stories too. A 23-year-old girl named Charm grew up in Compton and has become a professional dancer despite growing up in a war zone. There's a lot of crying about sacrifice and I might cry too because I'm weak to people crying on my TV. Yay, the girl got recruited by Madonna out of high school! And used the money to pay her way through college! And now she volunteer teaches at her old elementary school! Oh God, I feel like I'm watching Extreme Home Makeover right now. Charm dances with a Mark and Derek and some crazy special effects to Britney's "Til the World Ends" and Mark and Derek are having the time of their lives right now. And I'm pretty sure this chick is schooling them!!
Can we not have the band do Britney anymore though? It's forever linked with Chelsie's red vinyl dress from last season, which is the last time the band destroyed this song.
So to keep me from stressing, let me tell you about the epic and ridiculous As The Spray-Tan Turns-style dream last night. I will tell you during commercial breaks, because... well, you should just humor me on this one. Anyway, after the show last night, Whoever I Was In This Dream was sent off (by Jonathan, I think, or maybe Carson) to see where Anna was at because she didn't show up at... wherever people go on this show on Sunday nights. Probably out drinking. The point is, dream!Anna was holed up in this hotel room with delightful gothic architecture accents (this is not about to turn into a creepy fangirl penthouse letter, I promise), and apparently she was so distressed about the scores "and being American" that she was having an affair... with one of Kym's friends. Even in the dream, I remember thinking, Kym has a straight friend? MORE TO COME.
So here's The Band Perry singing "If I Die Young," which is actually a song I have worked hard not to hear because it sounds terribly depressing. The main chick has a ridiculously wonderful dress on. KARINA AND LOUIS ARE DANCING! Oh my gosh! I love it when these two dance together! They both mouth the words or carry on a conversation or something and it's fabulous. Man, Karina is such an incredible dancer. Crazy lift action!! Karina and Louis dancing together is really the only consolation prize we have of the lack of Karina/Maks hatesex dancing on this show anymore. I get really sad when Karina dances with someone other than Maks or Louis.
Brooke reminds us it's a results show! After Rob's dance, he told Cheryl "That was fun, wasn't it?" In confessional, Cheryl says "You did good manhandling me! Do it again! ... just joking." I think the producers have a showmance arc and they both try to play along and then just can't keep a straight face. Karina and JR were soooo excited about their 10. David and Kym are amazing! The judges are screaming things like "come and get me!" when Kym and David put their legs on the judges' table. David and Kym talk in British accents forever and David falls off the back of the confessional bench and Brooke still can't understand David when he talks. But she's totally sure he's deep, man.
Safe... JR AND KARINA!! Yayyyy! Karina says something about seeing JR's shadow. Sometimes it's weird when they turn the mics on. David and Kym are in jeopardy! David seems pretty cool and rocks it out, Kym just covers her face. Rob and Cheryl... are safe! Eh, I like him okay, but I can't stomach a Kardashian being safe over Kym's punk rock choreo.
Okay, so the crack dream, right? As if potentially patriotism-motivated infidelity between Anna and Jonathan, my forever DWTS One True Pairing, weren't enough, at a the same hotel there was an also ornately decorated bar, and there was really dramatic soap-opera-y drama between... Maks and Karina! Who in the dream, as in life, had separated around two years ago but not before - GASP! - soap-opera!Karina had a secret daughter! With really cute brown toddler curls, by the way. My subconscious is super excellent with genetics.
Back to the show! Hope & Maks and David & Kym are in jeopardy. Man, at this stage of the season, eliminations suck!
But first: more Kelly Clarkson being excellent live! More Troupe action! And Mark and Val and Peta! I forget that Val and Peta aren't troupe members. Okay, I really want Kelly Clarkson on this show and now I apparently love her. My girl Aussie Rock Chick is representing the whole Troupe! God, I love that chick better than just about any other non-speaking character on TV. Kelly is incredible! As long as I never have to hear "Because Of You" again, we can be pals, KC!
Results... three lowest scorers. Vegas odds said Nancy's going home, but there's no way Carson's not the In Jeopardy one from this group. Wow, apparently the judges talk loudly and chat amongst themselves while people dance. Nancy's really excited about the 8... and in an uncharacteristic turn of benevolence, says that Tristan got them an 8. Tristan says "I got two 7s... she got the 8." Tristan gets everything right, and I'm sure the legs of America are opening everywhere he goes to reward him. Chaz says it's not fair that he always gets the same dance as JR. Lacey tells Chaz his fly was open the whole time and we get a close-up of same. Carson is loving 80s week. Carson would rather have a great time and mess up a little bit than be perfect and boring, and then he tells Anna "get in here!" to the confessional room, which is honestly kind of scary looking and dark.
In present day, Anna makes some kind of hand joke related to her awesome sequined bikini top, but we only catch the end of it, so I'll just assume it was funny. Chaz and Lacey are safe! Lacey starts singing until they cut her mic. I think I'm getting the joke, because someone in the padding department went over the top Anna has Kym cleavage tonight. Nancy and Tristan... are safe! Nancy looks so shocked she can't talk. Can I say I really miss the encore dance? I didn't think I would. Carson and Anna... Anna rolls her eyes as mathematically they're obviously in jeopardy but they make her wait... and they both look kind of misty-eyed as they're told they're In Jeopardy. NOOOOO PLEASE SAVE THEM. :( DON'T CRY ANNA. THERE WILL BE MORE GLITTER! My heart is provisionally broken already!
Okay, let's wrap up this soap opera shenanigan before I cry. This is pretty much what my dreams are like every night, in case you're wondering why I'm so strange. Anyway, Karina's Secret Toddler Daughter that Maks doesn't know about (even though Karina has still been on DWTS this whole time so He Suspects Nothing) has been kidnapped! And so she has to confront him, thinking he kidnapped Baby Smirnoff. It turns out Maks knew about the kidlet the whole time, but was not responsible for the kidnapping. OH NO! Meanwhile, because my subconscious is throwing the whole bag at this, we learn that Anna's infidelity is of course due to this period of amnesia/fake memories that Kym's friend apparently programmed her with so she would think Jonathan was evil. Actually evil: Louis, who stole Baby Smirnoff for no obvious reason whatsoever. What could it be? Is it Louis, or Louis's Evil Twin? (I just made that up now - but the rest of it was totally in my dream.)
I really hope that tonight I have a continuation of the dream that's 80% rehashing of past storylines and mostly takes place in a hospital. And seriously, brain? How did I have a soap opera plot starring Karina that didn't have JR, soap opera star, in it??
ELIMINATION, OH NO. I WILL HATE WHATEVER HAPPENS. I JUST REALIZED THAT. I MIGHT THROW UP.
David and Kym are safe!! Kym is startled by the news. Yay, punk rock! Hines won't shame us for not voting for his boo! Even though I totally voted for Anna and Carson. Anna and Carson are both clearly resigned. God, poor Anna always knows and she always has the same look and it's heartbreaking! Hope looks pissy. "Leaving right now..." Anna says sweet nothings to Carson and they are leaving. NOOOOOO. They have a little conversation before coming down the stairs.
Carson thanks everyone and talks about how utterly faboo his partner is, and Anna beeeams. MY HEART, IT IS BROKEN INTO LITTLE GLITTER PIECES. Tom says it's the ultimate injustice to him that it's one week shy of broadway week!! Can we just cancel Broadway Week now? Well, no, we need it for Kym and Karina was literally bouncing up and down in the interview line about it. But after that, we should bag the whole rest of the season and just give Derek his seventeenth mirrorball and give this timeslot over to The Carson and Anna Variety Hour. Carson promises to be back every week to cheer for his castmates. Oh, can he please have Anna sitting next to him every time except when she's performing and they can be in matching outfits so I can pretend they're still dancing? GRASPING AT JOY STRAWS HERE. Video montage! Carson is still afraid of dodgeball but he can dance. Anna says Carson really gave everything to the show and is now one of the dancers... in his mind. But she says it in a really nice way. That's really as nice as it gets, from Anna, and I'm sure he will appreciate it, because they are basically married now in an alternate glitter universe where they get to still have sex with other men.
Tom promises they can keep the outfits for Halloween. In the background, Kym is crushed and Hope still looks like she couldn't possibly be more annoyed that she's still on this show. Argh, Hope. I can't get into it right now, because my world is ending, but let's just say that I totally want you to still be here to have wild sex with Maks and wear more leather and fishnets on our dance floor, but you were just saved at the expense of all my hopes and dreams, so try to just take our partly scripted ballroom of horrors for all the good things it has (leather, fishnets, Maks, a PR team sitting at God's right ear). I guess I just hope she finds a way to enjoy this, because I hate when someone (Bristol) doesn't want to be here (Kendra), and it makes me feel like my favorites are getting killed off for no reason other than to make that unhappy celebrity one week more miserable. Apparently I got into it after all!
My glitter BFFs (AAAAAANNA! CARRRRRSON!) take their last dance, and Carson and Anna look more (platonically) in love with each other than any other couple ever eliminated, which is hilarious and wonderful and perfect. They're basically glitter twins for life. He will keep her hair ties in his gym bag forever and ever, and every Christmas he'll sign her up for a shoe-of-the-month club and she will secretly funnel all the extra rhinestones from wardrobe into an offshore costume jewelry account just for him.
HOW WILL I COPE? I HONESTLY ASK YOU. THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE SO BORING NOW. There may not even be a liveblog from here on out. What will I talk about? How JR and Karina seem to actually both be in semi-stable relationships and I hear Hope is back with her old boyfriend and really probably no one is having any wild sex in the prop room? How Coco Arquette probably won't ever sink the competition by breaking free of Courteney and running onto the floor in the middle of Derek and Ricki's Argentine Tango? I mean Kym is fucking rehashing last season's tassels and Aussie Rock Chick hasn't changed the color of her hair extensions for weeks now. I'll bet Louis's evil twin never even THOUGHT about stealing Karina and Maks's secret lovechild.
And now, in 8-year-old 80s week fashion, I will go drown my sorrows by sniffing Mr. Sketch markers and drinking a lot of Orange Crush.