Personally, I gave up musicals when I was about seventeen because it became physically painful to perpetually have songs from The Who's Tommy stuck in my head. Completely cold turkey, too. I saw the original Broadway production of RENT, but have never seen the movie. I'm that committed to never again being the person who gets caught singing Fiddle About within 1000 feet of a school. AND YET. Glitter: not even once.
Brookie has some holes in her leather dress. We open with the cast of Sister Act wearing FULLY SEQUINED NUN HABITS. Doing a can-can line. This is incredible. I think I've just found religion. Carson's in the audience!! But Anna's not with him! I thought we had a deal that you guys would wear matching outfits in the audience so that I could continue to watch this season and my life would go on.
Oh my God. What is everyone wearing. Ooooh, Hope looking sexay in a loose-knit sweater over what's probably - if I know my wardrobe department - a sequined bikini. Tristan is dressed like he's in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail. (OMG! COULD IT BE??) Kym is dressed like she's dancing the Waltz with Jerry Springer. Lacey looks like she's getting married. And group dance! Group dance!
Hey, I think Carson is sitting next to Niecy Nash! That's pretty good too.
Team Kardouchian: Rob says thanks to Cheryl for getting him to second place. They're dancing the cha-cha to a Jersey Boys song. Oh for fuck's sake, Kris Jenner has famewhored herself into a speaking role on this show. She tells Rob in rehearsal he's turned from a boy into a man and then told him to pull out all the stops and that he'd better fucking win because God knows Kim's marriage isn't going to last so we need to get you famous enough to marry you off in your own Very Special Kardashian Event. Rob, not surprisingly, kind of crumbles into a yes-man when his mom shows up.
In the teaser, we're promised lots and lots of Kym Johnson doing jazz-hands. Tristan tells Nancy she's being stupid (from the sounds of it, she is). Hope accuses Maks of being close to giving up on her while he's like goddammit, woman, if you don't learn to accept some motherfucking support and compliments here I'm going to have to beat you.
Oh, Jersey Boys is a musical! In my head I heard "Jerky Boys" and tried to figure out how they made a full-length musical out of prank calls. Rob and Cheryl pose by some microphones and CHERYL IS IN PANTS! Oh, I LOVE that!! I do love this song a lot, but I didn't know it was from something. They have some really fun poses in their dance and it looks pretty solid. Rob pretends to do a mic-check when the dance is done, which is really cute.
Hey, is that Gilles in the audience? And some lady who's like one camera-cut away from throwing her underwear on stage. A Kardashian yells at Len "Give him a 9!" Len is like sit. down. and then tells Rob that he had no rhythm. Bruno says he didn't take it from the first bar and it was "adequate" but didn't have impact and power. He tells Rob to "listen to mama." As long as we don't have to. Carrie Ann saw charisma, and her hair is excellent. She says Rob is an adolescent, not a man, and says he's a late college bloomer. And Rob's like "I graduated!" and Carrie Ann is like, dude, bachelor's degrees are like the new high school degrees, Master's or GTFO.
Loving Karina's short-cropped wig in the celebriquarium. Brooke asks Rob if he felt like a man, and Rob's like "Uh... not really." Cheryl's like "Yes you were!" and he's like "Well okay." Cheryl is wearing the pants. Scores: 8, 7, 7. Brooke asks Cheryl if she's proud, and she is, and sounds genuinely shocked that they're still in the competition. Maks tackles Rob with a hug as the camera cuts away.
Next up: Nancy and Tristan will be doing Spamalot! A tech wearing a Phantom mask photobombs their bumper. I'll admit it, I laughed.
Judging Nancy: Tristan clacks coconut halves. Nancy says she ain't in no way putting on a spangled bikini - I don't think anyone asked her to, but I could be wrong! They are foxtrotting to Always Look on the Bright Side of Life. Nancy says she asked for more difficult choreography and she says that Tristan's setting her up for failure so she'll just listen to him. Tristan is like ooookay, Suspicious McCrazyPants.
OH MY GOD, I could not possibly not love this!! I LOVE THIS SONG! AND THE COSTUMES! OKAY, and the dance is a little lacking in places, but Tristan hops and it's hilarious. They do some awesome kicks and fun shenanigans at the end. Thank you for trying to bring some Carson energy to the floor! You know, you know this would have been Carson and Anna's song if they'd lasted - she said they'd have the fox-trot!
Bruno steals all of Len's rhymes - dance-a-lot with lance-a-lot. Bruno really liked it! Aww, Nancy's boytwin waves at the camera. Carrie Ann calls it a showstopper and loved it. Len is smiling because it was "more flair, less care." That'll teach Bruno for trying to rhyme! He says the parts in hold sucked, which they did, but the parts out of hold were razzle-dazzle-fabulous. Then he snaps at Bruno, "It's a foxtrot, sunshine!" Tom just gives up and sends Nancy and Tristan away.
Brooke asks Nancy to explain what the heck happened in their rehearsal package and she complains more about the choreo, but in a cute cranky way. Brooke asks Tristan if DWTS is more challenging than he thought, and Nancy steals the mic. "He LOVES it!" Scores: Carrie Ann, 9! Len, 7! Bruno, 8! Awww, Nancy bursts into tears and thanks Tristan for his choreography that she was bitching about just a second ago.
OH MY GOD CARSON IS ON STAGE!!! We invited him back for Broadway Week! To be the Creative Director for the group dance! Oh my God, this is going to be amazing. He tells David, when in doubt, jazz hands.
Oh, and Team Jazz Hands are dancing next, but that got overtaken by Carson. Kym says their goal is to maintain their momentum. David goes "Give me three 10s!" and Kym shakes her head like, keep dreaming. They are having fun quickstepping and she tells him to keep calm and he kisses her mid-step in his enthusiasm and she's like "Eek! We kissed!" They're up against Ricki and JR also doing quicksteps. David hopes to surprise a lot of people, and himself. God, he's so adorable!
OH MY GOODNESS, this dance! It is so cheeky and cute. How can anyone be sad or critical when "We Go Together" from Grease is playing?? They are just grinning and Kym's wearing yellow, so automatic win. And it's actually really good! Although I'm solidly disappointed when Kym does a move and shows her bare spray-tanned legs, because I really wanted her to whip off that sundress to reveal a leather catsuit. I mean, obviously! Come on, Sandy, we all know that Danny Zuko only loved you when you became willing to put out. For reasons unknown, Courteney, David and Kym all seem like they're about to cry.
Carrie Ann says they lived up to expectations with an iconic dance, but they were a little out of sync. Len: "It was what it was." He's just in the middle of the road tonight. Bruno calls him a live wire, on the wrong foot, but the energy was right up there. I liked it better than any of the judges did!
Brooke asks David how he feels and he's doing an impersonation of Travolta having a breakdown. Brooke asks Kym if he just keeps her laughing all the time! and, come on, show, you can't replace Carson, so stop trying! Scores: 8, 7, 8. Brooke asks if Ricki and JR doing the same dance played a mind-game on him, and David says that everything is a mind-game.
Tom says that David did a great Travolta impression, and I agree, but I have to think that Tom didn't really think so or he wouldn't have made sure to spell out for us that David wasn't having half a seizure.
Ricki and Derek pretend to make out in a red tent in the bumper, and I still don't know what musical they're doing.
The Golden Children will be dancing to a song from Guys and Dolls. Ricki really wants to redeem herself and by the looks of the footwork in rehearsal, I think that will be happening. She's worrying about stamina and cusses out Derek. Derek's being tough on Ricki because she does better when he is, which seems reasonable and obvious. Ricki's pressured by JR doing the quickstep because she says he's a better dancer than she is and in better shape.
They dance to "Luck Be a Lady" which is a great song because all of these songs are great! I actually enjoy Ricki's very stylized black wig. I see her feet mis-stepping once or twice but it's only obvious because we have a camera pointed on her feet. This is entirely enjoyable and fabulous, though Ricki does have an expression like she's being tortured by the end. And they look GREAT!
Standing O from Carrie Ann, Bruno, and the Kardashians - not too many others when they pan to the audience. Len says she's got talent and it was awesome and he loved it, and he finickies a bit about head placement. Bruno loves the impeccable style and dazzling choreography. Tom points to Carrie Ann: "Look, she's crying again." Carrie Ann says they deserve a Tony award. Derek and Ricki spin around with gleee.
Montage of past group dances! Then, Brooke asks what's going through Ricki's head. JR runs over and kisses Ricki's cheek. Brooke asks how much weight she's lost and Ricki says about 20 pounds. Scores: 10, 9, 10. And I typed that score out actually before they announced it, HA.
Coming up: Maks tells Hope she might not even have the potential to be a good dancer. Karina tells JR this dance is the most ambitious one she's ever attempted on DWTS and he's like "Uhhhh, whut?" KARINA, can we talk girl? Kym tried this shit last season and almost broke her neck. Watch yourself. Lacey and Chaz are on the outs.
Woah, Kristin Chenoweth is getting a new show along with the blonde girl from Popular whose name I forget. I'll be there!
Team Schwaz gets Phantom of the Opera. Chaz has seen the play a lot because Cher loves it. Lacey says the Tango is like the Paso Doble but "more pretty." Lacey has reached her cranky phase. She tells Chaz he's going to get murdered and the choreo has to be "legit" now. Lacey says he can't rely on her as much to get him through it and talk him through it in the dance. Her crankiness is completely fair.
OOOOH, Lacey starts on top of an organ that Chaz is playing and Chaz is wearing the mask. Lacey looks great. Chaz seems to be struggling in places but on the whole they look really good and move really well around the floor. Definitely his best, I'd say. Judges? Rob and JR do a celebration dance on the celeb balcony.
Bruno says it was like watching a penguin trying to be menacing. Lacey shakes her head like she's going to cut him. He says the characters didn't fit them. Carrie Ann says she sort of agrees, but she wants to see more content in Week 6. "Lacey's right, we need more difficult choreography." But she liked his attitude. Len says he got through the routine and he's trying the hardest and he commends the work. "However..." the hold, the heels, the attitude, etc, etc, well done. OK!
Celebriquarium. JR is tying his shoe. Rob does the stretch-put-his-arm-around Karina, haha. There's an interview happening, sorry, Chaz... said something. Lacey says she can't slack in Week 6. The group dances are fun, no pressure. Carrie Ann: 7, Len & Bruno: 6. The crowd half-heartedly boos and Brooke comments that Lacey doesn't look happy. Brooke asks what goes through Chaz's mind, and he says "Not much to say, is there." That was a downer.
Tom introduces Kenny Ortega, who is apparently very famous about choreography. Tom says they've been begging him to be on the show for 12 seasons, and now he came to make a Macy's Stars of Dance for tomorrow because someone from High School Musical asked him to. This is the world we live in, people. A tangled web that all leads back to Disney.
God, I'm going through Anna withdrawal. Anna's sitting next to Carson now!!! :-D THAT MAKES EVERYTHING OKAY. Her dress is nice. I completely miss Maks and Hope's bumper.
Maks's Last Hope. Previously, Hope had a meltdown. She says she didn't mean it, she was just upset. She says staying still is going downhill. Hope says "I'm really nervous! Are you bringing in strippers?" Maks is like, um, close! Ahaha. The troupe girls come in to help Hope be sexy. Hope dances with Aussie Rock Chick. Oksana demonstrates whipping her hair into Maks's face, and Maks asks Hope to not head-butt him when she tries it. Maks and Hope have a big spat about whether or not he's giving up on her, because he said everyone else already has.
Sexy Rumba!! BRING IT, GUYS. Jeez, Maks is sex on a stick. I like how they find ways for Hope to not wear heels. Her face is very thinky and her lines are wonky, but she smiles beautifully and no one can say girlfriend isn't sexy. HAWT!! EEE, at the end they make a giddy face and tackle each other on stage!
There's a cut to the celebriquarium, and is Kym in a neck brace again!?
Carrie Ann... the room goes dead silent. Then she says that she had moments of tons of sexiness, she says it didn't work. Why do we cut to the Kardashians not doing anything? Len says that he has never lost faith in Hope. Len doesn't like the boots because they create heel leads. Len says it's her worst dance of the whole season!!! Some hussies behind the judges are not dressed appropriately for this. The audience boos, Maks waves them up, Len goes "Half of this is your fault!" and Maks says "as long as the audience likes our journey!" and Len is like "The audience hasn't been in this business for 50 years" and OH MY GOD, Maks told Len it's time for him to get out of the business, Carrie Ann yelps that he needs to not be disrespectful, Hope looks like she wants to die.
The background of the celebriquarium is everyone pretending to be statues. Kym is just wearing a giant white bow tie. Hope says it felt good on the dance floor tonight. I don't even want to see the scores. 7, 6, 7. Maks says: "With all due respect, this is MY show, I helped make it what it is, and I love every professional who's ever been on the show, and every celebrity who puts in effort, and I get a little tired of some being judged on effort and some being judged on heel leads." He sounds totally calm and together here and not whiny or angry and he's completely right and I hope people aren't like "MAKS FREAKS OUT!" He also hugs Hope a lot. I was going to vote a lot for Nancy because, omg, Spamalot, but I'm pretty sure Hope will now get the benefit of my armada of Carson-and-Anna voting accounts. Yeah, I'm one of those people now. Don't even pretend you're surprised.
Team JARRRR. Karina is giving ten bajillion ridiculous choreo steps. She says it's the most ambitious routine she's ever done. Her abs are awesome. She says it means she has faith in JR. JR does a cartwheel. That is NEVER A GOOD LOOK ON THIS SHOW, people. Just STOP putting it in your choreo!
OMG HAWTNESS! Quickstepping to "Hot Honey Rag" which has been done well before on this show by Anna and Evan, but man, I love Karina in vintage looks, and this was amazing!!! (Though after the buildup they gave, I did sort of expect an explosion somewhere in there.) That went so fast I couldn't even type anything! Cheer from Kenny Ortega Who Is Apparently Famous. JR is delighted!
Len says JR is relentless and gives a shout-out to Helio's unmatchable quickstep. Bruno says it's an 11 o'clock number, which is a good thing! Carrie Ann says Bob Fosse would be proud. "Can I give away another Tony tonight?" Tom is like "uhhhh, okay?" so she gives them an imaginary Tony as well. Tom hates that Tony Dovolani isn't competing anymore, because the jokes would write themselves.
JR tells Brooke that everyone's chasing him. Which isn't bragging, it's just a fact, since all the other couples said exactly that in their packages. SCORES: 10, 9, 10!! The only reason Len didn't give him a 10 because it's Week 6, and there's nowhere to go but down after that. Karina tells Brooke that JR's positivity and personality are what makes him special.
Yay, Kristin C! Her new show is called "GCB," which will always be Grad Center Bar to the Brunonians.
Kristin does Maybe This Time with a chair and the Troupe boys and Val and Mark, oh man. This is already amazing! NEW FAVORITE THING! Hello, Oksana! And My Fair Lady song! Damn, I love this year's Troupe Plus Pros numbers. And Kristin! Amazing! Kristin hugging Tom - ALSO my favorite thing! The judges give her a 10.
Group Dance! Aww, David brings in donuts. Lacey makes a Chaz Hands joke, because she's awesome. Rob screams "BROADWAY!!!" There are some major feather boas in the hizzouse. When Carson is brought in, everyone hug-bombs him. Carson peps everyone up. They all punk each other and it feels like they're in my office. Crash pads for lifts! Kym looks understandably concerned up on David's shoulder. Karina is coaching the lifts, it seems. Ricki doesn't want to be lifted because she's heavier than the pro dancers, and Karina shrieks "On the mat! On the mat!" when Derek lifts her, which is surely reassuring to her. Backstage, Carson is being awesome and hugging Maks a lot. Maks is a really good sport this season, and seriously, I thought his outburst tonight was a) pretty reasoned, and b) possibly suggested by producers, so I hope people don't give him too hard a time.
You know, I kind of forgot that he told Len it was time to retire. Maybe he was a little out of line. I have a lot of feelings. BROADWAY GROUP DANCE!
GOD I LOVE THESE THINGS. Interspersing the pros with the stars always makes for awesome looking awesomeness. And PERFECT use of the stairs! Love that Lacey's costume seems more conservative than Nancy's.
Karina loves her lifts! Kym loves her bow tie (and lifts). Hope makes Maks walk to him on his knees. There are lifts and shenanigans. I love that Nancy does a lift and that Hope's running around in a bra and everyone looks AMAZING!!
Len loved it, individual awesomeness, Ricki was brave, Rob was strong to lift Cheryl above his head. Bruno is totally nonsensical, he loved Rob the best. Carrie Ann gives Nancy extra bonus points for her lift.
Well, Nancy and Tristan are in the death spot of dancing 2nd and they did dance really adorably, and JR was incredible, but I think Hope gets at least some of my vote for bringing the sexy and then getting fucking slammed. Oh, and Kym and David were adorable! Though I deduct some mental points for not busting out any post-sexual-liberation Sandy, although maybe Kym felt it'd be too much like her look from 80s night.
Tom disses the Kardashians for texting in the audience. Chaz and Lacey look pissy, Nancy looks worried. Hope and Maks actually look happy. Let me just say, I really love Karina's wig. Maks musses Tom's hair, and Tom says "You don't have to make nice with me - go do that to Len!" Because Tom completely agrees, I think. Except on the retirement bit. That part was odd. And it's weird that Maks went off on Len, since usually he says Len's the only judge he really respects. Eh, he'll get his comeuppance when every reporter asks him about this until the rest of time.
I wonder if Hope even wants me to vote for her at this point.
Next week: Halloween!