So last night on DWTS, Len went off on Hope and Maks went off on Len. Later, all anyone could talk about in the press line was OMG MAKS AND LEN, IS THIS A SIGN OF THE GLITTER APOCALYPSE? (answer: no, almost certainly not, call me when somebody throws a punch). Lacey is 100% Team Maks, because Bruno has called Chaz a penguin/teddy bear/ewok one too many damn times. Kym and Tony are team "I wasn't really paying attention." Derek is team "Maks probably needs to check hisself" and the useful stalkers at puredwts tell me that Maks unfollowed Derek on twitter. (Who knows why? Perhaps there were heated words or a Paso-off in the parking lot, but maybe Derek was just sending too many DMs about Cobu 3D or Pampered Chef parties or something.) The show is just grinding up against this controversy and doing some heavy breathing because it's so happy something interesting happened this season!
Also, it was Broadway week. Brooke has some puns! Good girl.
Tom tells Len that we always ask about an Encore dance. Well, except for half of this season. Yay, JR and Karina get it! I've missed the encore dance segment! And damn, anything to give us a reason to have Karina in this adorable wig for another night! This doesn't make up for the Cowardly Lion wig last season, but what could? It's still amazing, and a look she should consider making permanent.
Tom and Brooke show us an evenly distributed leaderboard, and behind them JR and Karina ham it up for the audience. The shipper in me requires that I point out that there was adorable cheek-kissing and ass-slapping before their awesome dance, and they do a tandem spoken-word rendition of "I'm So Excited" backstage after the dance. JR and Karina are getting their results... alone? No more group results? Anyway, they're obviously safe!
Coming up: epic results-show dance action! There might be a spinning cage.
Karina promises Brooke that for Halloween theme week, she will be a ghost and JR will be chasing her. Nancy isn't sure she's a contender, and couldn't celebrate her 9 last night because girltwin threw up. Derek says that Halloween week will be fun. Ricki doesn't even pretend she could be in jeopardy. It's important to maintain the illusion of fear, everyone!
Kristin Chenoweth! It's very strange for me to hear her singing a song that is unfamiliar because I associate her so much with classic standards, but it's a very sweet song. Dancing: Tony! TONY!! And one of the doublemint twins from the Troupe. I think it's Dasha. It's hard to tell her and Sharna apart, which is why I think Sharna should go FULL Aussie Rock Chick and punk out her entire hair. HOLY WALKING LIFT!!
Kristin tells Tom she adores DWTS and Broadway. Tom asks if she'll come every week and Kristin says yes. Does the state of California allow verbal contracts?
Derek and Ricki last night... wow, before they started, Derek yelled "Loud!" to the band. Um, you're stepping on Harold Wheeler's toes there, and Tom likes to tell me that the superlative Harold Wheeler has been nominated for many many Emmys. Carrie Ann says to Len "JR better bring it!" Show, can we come up with some storyline where we pretend this isn't a two-horse race and that the real competition is for 3rd place?
Tristan and Nancy are so fucking adorable! Len actually turns to Carrie Ann and goes "9!?" See, Len, you and Maks have more in common than you have differences. In Nancy's confessional, she absolves Tristan of every name she ever called him (Hitler, Mussolini, the entire Third Reich). Their rehearsals must be even more interesting than we get to see.
We return to our episode already in session. What? The commercial stopped and we were already everyone looking anxious-face with intense drums. Maybe they kept them in suspense for the whole break!
Anyway, to catch up: Ricki and Nancy are BOTH safe!
Montage of "breaking points" - Rob's surprised he's here, Nancy's overwhelmed, David puts on sunglasses like a boss. Ricki sweats a lot. The live show gives Ricki an out of body experience. David's low point was thinking he wasn't good enough after being in the bottom two. Hope couldn't stop crying when she broke down, and she was sick of hearing for 5 weeks that she's not sexy and doesn't look like a woman. Nancy's looking forward to doing a dance right and knowing she did it. David says he'll shoot up with cortisone and take ice baths to finish the competition - whatever floats your boat, dude. Hope says it's not good enough to go home before the finals. JR says he wants it more. Chaz doesn't get to say how he wants to succeed on this show.
Tom's feeling guilty that he's "not a wreck." No, Tom, please no sympathy madness - you're the only sane one left on that boat!
Kenny Ortega! Corbin Bleu! Singing! Dancing! Badass sets and scrims that look like olde Broadway! Costume changes! Spinning climbing cage! Camera dude gets in the spinny cage! Man, this show has special magic, because I didn't even see him run out. Let's throw in some old-school hip-hop! That cage was really the star of this number.
I really think that these Twilight Breaking Dawn previews are the most I have ever seen about this franchise. Also, Donny and Marie sighting in a CMA preview.
Wow, Brooke is really acing the teleprompter delivery today! She announces Martina McBride. Oh my god, are we really going to sing about a young mother dying of cancer? I DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW TO CRY WITH SADNESS. Happiness only! Val and Chelsie are dancing and wowie, they are great together! Chelsie looks amazing in lavender. Oh wow, they may have modded Kymmie's Viennese Waltz dress from last season that I adored into a flirty shorter version. It still looks great!
I wonder if we stop cutting to the Kardashians, they will lose all their powers.
Kym does a Sandy sendup backstage. "I might go back to Australia and you'll never see me again, Davy!" and David's like "Um?" and Kym feeds him lines. "You have to say no, no, Kymmie!" Hahaha. LOVE. Then there's dance and comment but whatever, nothing can top that.
Lacey tells Chaz that his fly's up, so they're doing well already. I actually really liked their Tango? Is that weird? Chaz confesses that Bruno keeps calling him a fat troll and he's sick of it - if he were a fat woman dancing and losing weight he'd get tons of praise from the judges, but as a man, they treat him like he's not good enough to dance with such a beautiful woman. That's kind of a complicated statement when it comes from Chaz, but I know he's talking about Kirstie and Ricki losing weight, not being transgendered.
David and Kym are coming back. Lacey is definitely not wearing her Phantom wedding dress right now. There must be a number coming up. Chaz and Lacey are in jeopardy.
Oooh, Mark, Lacey and tons of really cute kids possibly dressed as The Sandlot will dance next!
Who's left? Hope and...?
Halloween preview to Nightmare Before Christmas with tons of little kids in costume. Holy cow, little kid doing headspins and backflips and shit! Awww, they adorably "scare" the djuges as part of the dance. At the end, the kids freeze with "RAWRRRR!" faces.
Oh! Forgot about Rob. Brooke asks him how he feels and JR interrupts to yell "GO ROB!" Cheryl says she's confident and Rob has amazing fans. NO ONE KNOWS WHO HIS FANS ARE. WHO ARE THEY? Hope tells Brooke that she loves that Maks is her teammate, Maks is opinionated, etc. Brooke asks Maks if the judges are entitled to their opinions, and Maks says, "Of course. So are we." Maks also says that he didn't mean it was his show alone and he's so happy to be part of a big cast. I believe him that that's what he meant all along.
Last night, Rob and Cheryl did "a lot of butt-shaking," and apparently Rob hit Cheryl's head! Khloe needs to stop fucking yelling at the judges. Maks is entitled. Rob fake-cries in the confessionals and Cheryl laughs at him.
Maks tells Hope she can't be nervous after all the Olympics and world cups and shiz. I love how Hope grins through the entire confrontation. Tom went over to talk to the judges and Carrie Ann was just overreacting all the way through. Len really doesn't need you to defend him, sweetie. He can take his own knocks.
Wow, I think Brooke may have just ad-libbed a line. She's bringing the skills today!
Next couple safe... Rob and Cheryl! Hope and Maks don't pretend to be surprised that there's in jeopardy.
Oh, Brooke was doing so well but now turns to Tom for help with numbers when the crowd chants "Hope!" and distracts her. I jinxed her. Sorry! She tweeted that she had dinner last night with Carson and Anna and seriously, dinner with those three people is exactly what I want for Christmas and my birthday and everything ever. Love them!
Bottom two! They... don't make them walk down the stairs, because that would be weird when there's no bottom three. Have the viewers given Hope and Chaz the chance to reach their potential? Oh wait, now they have to walk down the stairs. Dramatic stair-walking!
Lacey's back in a wedding gown. Tom keeps talking about how it's an emotional departure and I think all four of them are both about to lose it with nerves. Chaz and Lacey get the boot. Noooo. There's a cutaway to a very sad child in the audience. Man, I really hope Chaz doesn't say anything bitter, because he is such a success story!
Brooke and Tom love on Chaz's journey. OMG YAYYYY Chaz says "I came on the show to show America a different kind of man, and if there had been someone on TV like me when I was a kid it would have made my life so much better..." and that people like him can have good awesome lives and things will be okay and OMG OMG. Tom: "YOU GET ALL 10s FOR THAT!" YES!! Their last dance! Lacey calls everyone down to join them. Lacey and Maks pretty much make out. Nancy and Chaz have the sweetest hug!
Love love love that Chaz was on this show, and as well supported and loved and as successful as he was and it was time for him to go, dancing-wise, but so much love, ABC, for all the good your famewhoring for ratings has wrought. Discourse about transgendered people in America has become a whole new conversation, and I am just so grateful that some teens out there have a positive role model now for living their truth and still being loved by lots of friends, family and strangers and not getting shunned. I might be crying those happy tears now, Dancing With the Stars. Bless you. May you never want for spray-tan or sequins, and may your bedazzler always be full of the finest false gemstones on God's green Earth.
In terms of things which won't save and/or destroy America (depending on if you prefer compassion or fear), I'm still in love with Karina's wig, and really nothing new was revealed about Maks Vs Len: Judgment Day except that the replay confirmed for me that the most annoying part of that whole thing was Carrie Ann trying to send Maks to his room without dessert for disrespecting his elders. Just wait til your father gets home! As ever, I remain on Team Tom Bergeron.