Anyway, here's a picture of me, being Pinkie Pie and getting the closest I will ever get to turning my workplace into a rave. I kind of look more like Stephanie from LazyTown in this shot, but I do have Pinkie's trademark balloon cutie mark on my face in glitter eyeshadow. Plus - High heels! Legwarmers! I'm practically a dance pro already. (I've pinked out all the confidential work information on the boards, except for a key quote which hilariously happened to be in the shot.)
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.
Oh my. I thought I was tuning in early, but there's already Brooke and Nancy and someone I didn't catch wearing bitchin' wigs in a dressing room introducing "The Network Premiere of Scared Shrekless." Apparently poor Fiona gave birth to triplets. Hey, Puss'n'Boots! Donkey! Um... well, that happened.
Back to Spooooky DWTS. Apparently there's a Spooky Seance. And now there are creepy animated cookie zombies. Oooh, and skeleton judges. Well, I guess I'll see you when the dancing starts!
Wow. Don't waste any time advertising for Christmas specials, there, ABC. I am really enjoying Tom and Brooke's spooky voices, though. I'm pretty sure ghost of Ebenezer Scrooge is walking around above Tom's head. I am in no way equipped to adequately report on this level of crack!
Tom promises us team dances! And the judges' faces have been CGI'd green. Also, CGI bats! Our computer budget has been blown for the season. MAN, I am LOVING Brooke's Mortitia Addams sendup - Oh, I LIED, Cheryl is really being Mortitia Addams. Oh my lord, Kymmie has red hair! I foresee the end of her routine involving Anna cutting a bitch for stepping on her sovereign territory. AUGHHH HAROLD WHEELER IS DRESSED AS A ZOMBIE. "Scarold Wheeler and his Zombie band - they really know how to carry a tomb!" Oh god, Tom had so much fun with this. "It's going to be one of those nights," he warns us. Brooke is playing it straight, though. Tom is Tom Boooo-geron and Brooke is like "fuck that noise, I'm Brooke Burke-Charvet."
First up - David and Kym. David's having a continuation of his season-long meltdown about how he just can't relax, and so Kym tries to hypnotize him. OH MY GOD, I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THE ZOMBIE-WALKING! David and Kym are doing Dracula mixed with magic. David bites Kym's neck in rehearsal and scares the crap out of her. HA. The are going to include real magic tricks.
Most importantly, they're Cha-Cha-ing to Abracadabra, which is one of my perennially favorite songs! KYM HAS MAGICALLY APPEARING TASSELS. OF COURSE SHE FUCKING WELL DOES! Okay, I keep watching Kym like she's the celeb because she looks so unfamiliar. I'm sure David's doing well! Until he covers himself with silly-string-spiderwebs at the end. Awesomeness! David hams it up beautifully.
Len says, Abracadabra, he's turned himself into a dancer. Bruno says David's a natural at turning tricks. Carrie Ann is dressed as a "naughty little pussy-CAT!" just to torment poor Bruno. Carrie Ann says David's awesome and Kym has reined him in. They are like full-on encouragement. Kym and David seem to be tied together with their crazy spiderwebbing.
Brooke, who looks AMAZING in that wig, asks how they came up with this idea, and they're like duh, they gave us this song. Kym's crushed that one of their magic tricks didn't work. Scores: 8, 8, 8. I guess I will vote for you because you're giving a shout-out to the redheads.
Coming up, people wear masks and terrify each other in rehearsals. Karina and JR are fighting. Ricki has a Severe Condition, says a doctor. Scary!
Okay, I'm also voting for David and Kym because they were great and are super adorable! Though DWTS, would it have killed you to cut to Anna in the audience giving Kym's wig the shank-eye?
Previews say Castle is doing a bank-robbing episode, which reminds me of the X-Files' "Monday," which was pretty awesome the first time you saw it, right?
Tom interacts with a giant CGI tarantula. Woah! Results show will be... BEIBER!
But now: JR FEVER! Or something. They're dancing to Ghostbusters, but Karina is like "errr, but we're dancing the Tango, which isn't funny at all." Karina is stressed out and is bitching at JR nonstop, and he's defending himself, and she just starts swearing at him. Karina starts losing it and JR demands hugs and grabs her and then she starts laughing. JR: "I ain't afraid of no Tango!"
Oh man, comic relief ghost Tango!? This is kind of amazing. They actually really made this work with the music! CGI lightning! At the end, JR sticks Karina in a coffin... and some shiny streamers rain down. They cut up to the celebrispookulum where Ricki looks bored. Hey, Carson in the audience!
Bruno says that JR lost it a few times, but the music was incredibly difficult. He also says that Karina's such a hot ghost that ghostbusters would be out of business. Carrie Ann is delighted that they captured the tone. Len says that it's sub-standard and JR makes a hilarious face. "It's your own fault - the last three weeks you've set such a high standard for yourself!" JR fake-cries and Karina bug-eyes when Len criticizes his footwork and says the Tango is the easiest dance.
There's a bumper with Nancy (in a red wig - I guess if I'm in pink then someone has to represent the redheads!) and Tristan fighting over candy while there are leprechaun statuettes. It's like a glittercrack smorgasbord up in here. Grab a plate and load up!
Brooke asks JR and Karina why the honeymoon is over. The answer? It's Week 7, when everyone kills each other. Scores! 9, 8, 8. JR hopes America votes so they can come back and redeem themselves.
Nancy does a happy chair-dance about getting a 9. OMG, they're doing the JIVE. She is expecting the judges to be "on the edge of their seats, WAITING for me to mess up!" Nancy just did the best cartwheel of basically anyone on this show. HA. Nancy accuses Tristan of calling her 'not fun' and he's like WILL YOU EVER LET ME FINISH A SENTENCE? and she's basically like, no. Oh my holy Jesus. Are they Jiving to Devil went down to Georgia! THEY ARE.
OMG, this is adorably fun! Nancy's Jive steps are pretty low to the ground and more like walking than Jiving in places, but crikey, she's adorable in that wig. OMG her kids are in halloween costumes in the audience? Man, Ricki is just pulling a serious bitchface in the celebriquarium.
Carrie Ann says today is not a good day and mimes Nancy losing her choreography but having a good time. Len says the Jive wasn't a good dance for her. Carrie Ann grins when the audience boos. Bruno says "The devil got you and your shoes are too small!" Bruno says she was suitably devilish but so's her footwork. Dang, that is a really adorable costume, though. Brooke gives Nancy an age-check (52) and points out that Nancy's body is holding up better than any of the other competitors. Nancy says chasing after the twins keeps her in shape. Scores: 7, 7, 7. Nancy says they're looking forward to the team dance and "I didn't think our Jive was that bad!" Man, I kind of love her. I did not expect this.
Rob & Cheryl will dance to the Addams Family theme. Cheryl in the confessional: "It's a 22 and it SUCKS!" Rob: "The Addams Family is like the Kardashian family! I don't think we're creepy, but we're kooky." No, you're kind of creepy too. Apparently Cheryl is terrified of ghost, goblins, spiders, everything, and Rob and JR prank her a lot. Cheryl has no sympathy that Rob is sore because he's the youngest. And because he spent the week trying to scare the crap out of her! TEAM CHERYL!
YAY FINGER snaps and the outfits are amazing! And the set dressing! And this is an adorable Tango. Cheryl can do the Mortitia Addams cold face very well, at least until she is swallowed by her wig. I love how they somehow stretched this song into 90 seconds. At the end, Cheryl whips the cover off a silver platter and reveals THING! OMG YAY. Hey, Kardashian Baby Mason Dixon is there dressed as an injun! Tom does a wig-and-mustache check on our dancers and they're all good.
Len is so happy. There is some discussion between Bruno and Cheryl about bums and what to do with them. Carrie Ann says it's Rob's best dance, and Cheryl's wig turned her into Cousin It. That dance was really awesome.
In the background, Kym's back to blonde hair. Brooke asks if Rob can see himself in the finals. Rob acts really humble and Brooke's like "Don't give me the PC answer! Are you going to the finals?" And Cheryl's like "WE WANT TO!" Scores: 9, 8, 8. Tied with JR! Rob tells everyone to call and shows off his fake mustache. Dammit, I'm starting to really like him, too.
Ricki and Derek seem to be doing a Little Red Riding Hood paso. Ricki's ribs are injured. The good news is, she has ribs. She has an inflamed nerve that's severe and painful. The doctor says it will get worse and athletes would normally stop athlete-ing for two weeks, but they're going to just bandage her up and give us a lot of pained expressions on the camera. Derek shout-outs Jennifer Grey also being in pain.
I don't know this song, but the dance is pretty cool. Derek leaps all over the place and does lots of dramatic things with Ricki's clothes. Ricki's in a corset which is helping her ribs, I think. The audience is on its feet. I couldn't tell how much of that was Ricki, to be honest - because what she did looked awesome, but Derek definitely pulled focus which makes me wonder what he's covering and he's not Mark, so I don't know why I'm worrying about this! Hey, I think Derek is a werewolf - I just got that. The judges are annoyed by Ricki's shoulders but are amazed by her shapes and general amazingness.
Bumper: okay, I haven't figured out why Maks is rocking an Abe Lincoln Meets Geico Caveman beard. This should be obvious, but I'm totally missing it. Hopefully the song will make it clear.
Maybe he's Zombie Lincoln or something. *shudders* Man, I can't even make zombie jokes myself without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I saw a totally fabulous zombie costume today and went ice-cold and had to sit down - true story. Anyway, it was awesome because she was holding a sign that said "KEEP PORTLAND UNDEAD" and then "WE ARE THE .00025%" I feel both admiration and nausea just thinking about it!
JR is fondling Ricki and Brooke with giant creepy hands. Scores: 9, 9, 9. JR continues to photobomb them and Derek refuses to howl, so everyone else dows. David starts dancing with a prop skeleton and Kym literally falls down laughing. Tom: "You're seeing a dress rehearsal, actually." I believe it.
Next up: Werewolves of London! Ahhhh, got it! Maks confesses to Hope "Don't ever say I don't have your back." Maks hurt his toe dancing, and so he brings in Teddy for rehearsal. (Maks calls him "a present" and Hope's like "You brought me another man in my life?" LOL.) Hope calls it "incredibly refreshing" to have Teddy in the studio. Hope laughs while Maks harps at Teddy's shenanigans. Maks is losing his cool while Hope and Teddy act like dorky kids. Maks swears he likes to have fun... so he comes in wearing a werewolf costume and chases them around the dance studio.
Samba time! Hope's nerves are so obvious when she dances. You can see her looking up to avoid seeing the audience, I think. Poor thing! But she looks great in that dress and hair. Maks has whipped open his vest to show off his werewolf chest (just kdiding - it's his normal chest, we've all seen it before). Maks bites her a few times and howls at the spotlight. Hope looks adorable, and it's better than last week, and... judges, just be nice, okay?
Carrie Ann! We can always count on you. Carrie Ann applauds her brightness and spirit and fun and says it's better than the Toy Story dance. Len says the Samba can be the celebrity graveyard but Hope coped well. Len also gives a shout out to hair, makeup, costume - YES they win the Mirrorball of the day. Bruno says Hope was dancing as if her life depended on it. Is that Jason Biggs in the audience? OMG - results will include Boys II Men and Carson in addition to Bieber! Hopefully they'll all do a number together! Haha. That would be ridiculous and probably AWFUL. Scores: 8, 8, 8! Brooke asks Maks how he feels, and he's like "Great!" and refuses to give her any more.
Tom says the team dance round could turn the leaderboard ON ITS HEAD! Unless it's like last year, when it actually did nothing. Guys and Ghouls of Team Tango! JR is inexplicably nomming on plants. He's a vegetarian ghoul, okay?
Okay, now that I think of it - WHAT? Are Hope, JR, David, and Rob all within a point of each other? Maybe Maks struck a deal with the judges - in exchange for 8s, he won't open his mouth. Maybe I can't count. NOT SURE.
Team-picking! If I were Derek, I would have stuck Karina and JR with Maks and Hope just to make the other team combust. Derek's a nicer person than I am. JR and Karina call each other baby and continue to squabble. A producer offscreen asks Nancy and Tristan how they feel about Team Paso, and Nancy's like BLEH, THEY SUCK, and Tristan's like, okay, crazy lady, I love them. Later, Nancy smashes a pumpkin that says "Team Paso." FUCKING LOVE HER.
Nancy has never done the Tango before, and neither has JR... last Sunday, when they first rehearsed. Wow, so it's like double-tango night for JR.
OH MY GOD. This is incredible at the beginning with the girls in a rope cage. Song is Disturbia. Nancy and Tristan are kind of the weakest link here. Okay, this dance could have been more awesome all around. Karina and JR are good, of course, and I like the team bits, and the beginning and end with the cage are FABULOUS! but I wonder if they threw in the towel in the middle like "Well, Derek's choreographing the other one, so I know they'll all do a synchronized walk down the floor and the place will erupt and they'll get a million points." Tristan kisses Karina's forehead, so they're apparently dating too. My pretend boyfriend gets around.
Len agrees with me - team parts were great, each individual performance was a disaster. Bruno also agrees. Carrie Ann plays good cop. Coco is the MVP of the evening again by blowing kisses from the audience.
Team Tango goes up to the celebriquarium and I laugh because Kym just grabs David's arm and shoves him onto his mark.
Brooke, to JR: "As team captain, do you think you picked the right team?" JR: "No." But he's actually just starting to say "No, this is the best team, etc." Scores: 8, 7, 8. The audience doesn't know whether to cheer or boo. Karina says they feel "disturbed." David doesn't want to be responsible for anyone going home, so everyone needs to vote. Nancy learned a lot from Kym and Karina in rehearsals, aww.
Team Paso are all doing stoic angry-face.
Team Paso. Ricki says "We've gotta show a little bit of skin!" Cheryl wants to see Rob's guns. Hope wants to show off the hunks. Maks grabs Rob's ass a lot. Rob: "Derek and Maks really increase my sexual confidence." Cheryl: *sporfle*
Once again, Maks doesn't have a solo in time for team rehearsal. LOL. Well, he's injured. He whips Hope around and is wearing a dumb rasta hat. Maks storms out, and Derek steps in to teach Hope. Not gonna lie, I'm looking forward to any team dance with Derek involved, especially since he choreographed two of the individual dances.
Oh, are you fucking me? We're doing a paso to Evanescence? Our fog machine goes up to 11. Cheryl is SELLING IT in the individual. Rob looks kind of hunchbacked but I think it's the scarves the guys are wearing. Hope and Maks look fabulous. Derek is a madman. Haha, his solo is incredible, and I would have taken the piss out of Mark for doing that exact same thing... so I think the difference is the spats. Team bits are incredible and involve a lot of angry cape action. Also, can I declare no fairsies? Because the Paso is like 10,000 times more entertaining a dance to watch than the Tango.
In the celebriquarium, Tristan is clapping a lot and everyone else I can see around him looks kind of "... damn." The judges are beside themselves with love for this routine. Scores: 9, 8, 9. Actually, I might give the MVP of the night to Brooke's wig. Coco gets it every week, so she has enough already.
Okay - so the dance I enjoyed the most tonight was Rob & Cheryl who somehow made me enjoy the Tango (that's been happening more and more often this season), closely followed by David & Kym's Red Hair, and JR and Karina. And you know, the song choices and wigs are probably 70% of why these are my favorites.
Brooke hugs Tom and yells: "We made it!" Aww, the cameras stay on long enough to see everyone hugging and high-fiving after Tom announces Castle.
I'll see you tomorrow at 9 if and only if I've got 2,000 words written on my super fabulous NaNo novel!