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01 October 2012 @ 10:04 pm
Dancing With the Stars, All-Stars: A User's Guide  
I refrained from blogging about this for a whole week, but I JUST CAN'T NOT. Because it's ALL-STARS. And it's so utterly fabulous! Because of sparktober and how it is less sparkly than DWTS but also the greatest thing ever, I will not be providing weekly hysterical play-by-plays of DWTS episodes.

However! I can't really leave you guys to just form your own opinions, because then your opinions would probably be "I don't really care about Dancing With the Stars." So! In brief, here are the details of the couples, the shenanigans, and last week's premiere. Feel free to refer back to this should you find yourself near a water cooler and someone mentions spray-tanning.

A FIELD GUIDE TO SEASON 15:

SHIT BE DIFFERENT!

ALL STARS, BABY! This is the first time we're inviting back past contestants to compete for a second time. We have 13 of them instead of 11 or 12 or any other random number! One of them was fan-voted to be on the show: Sabrina Bryan, who is mostly famous for having a video clip of her shocked, crushed expression splashed across the DWTS big screen whenever there's a "shocking elimination" teased. As Head Judge Len Goodman says, "None of these people are novices!" This meant that the season premiere was the greatest week 1 ever, because everyone can already dance like it's the back half of the season, but no one's exhausted/injured/Hope-Solo-ing that the show is full of haters. (J/K! ILU HOPE!)

WHAT WE NEED HERE IS MORE NUMBERS!

For this season, the judges have been issued "half-point" paddles! This means if you get a 1, you can say that at least you didn't get a 0.5. (God, I hope they made a 0.5 paddle!) Instead of just giving each judge one paddle with a .5 that they could hold up with their other hand whenever they score, they made all new paddles because THAT'S ECONOMIC RECOVERY, PEOPLE.

TEAM [INSERT SOME KIND OF AUSTRALIA/KANGAROO/JOEY JOKE HERE PLEASE]:

Little Red's high school crush, *NSYNC's own Joey Fatone, is paired with Kym Johnson, whom you might remember from the time she won with Hines Ward and I spammed your flists with porn for three months. In the first episode they danced a Cha-Cha and were underscored, but the important thing is that Kym wore a fucking tassel jumpsuit. Bitch can FRINGE.

holymotheroffringe
(all images from abc)

Watch this team for dorky brother/sister squabbles, Joey being hilarious, and Kym's eternal quest to find an outfit that's 100% fringe.

TEAM THAT POOR GYMNAST:

Sorry, but the first thing I thought about when I tried to name this pairing is that time DanceCenter tried to pretend Kym Johnson was Shawn Johnson and... anyway, Shawn is paired with pureDWTS Teen Bop poster boy Derek Hough, of the Ballas-Houghs. (Last time, Shawn was paired with Mark Ballas, of the... you get the idea. Those two and Julianne were the mouseketeers of preteen dance competitions, or something.) Their whole segment on the results show episode was about how Shawn is like two feet tall and Derek is kind of a jerk about it, in that way that pretty men get to be jerks and it still seems charming. Derek! I would not kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

shawnderek

Watch this team for Derek's chest, Shawn's adorable parents in the audience, and Bruno getting disgusting to make up for how Shawn was legally underage the last time she was on the show.

TEAM REDEFINING "SABRINA BRYAN" AS A TERM FOR THE DWTS VIEWING AUDIENCE:

No longer a tragic victim of lackadaisical fan voting in season whatever, Sabrina Bryan is now paired with Louis "Patron" Van Amstel and they can TEAR IT UP. Sabrina is clearly Tom's favorite ever, so obviously she should win right now. In the first results show, Emmy-Winning Tom Bergeron and Best Body After 40 Brooke Burke screw up and tell Sabrina she's safe, then that she's in jeopardy, and it was so awful they jumped script and just told her she was safe right there. Whew!

sabrinalouis

Watch this team for the redemption story! She needs to make it at least to Week 8 to clear her name.

TEAM HELIO AND JULIANNE:

HELIO AND JULIANNE ARE BACK TOGETHER AND - so, the story of this pairing is that they made up Chelsie Hightower to look a lot like Julianne "Seacrest" Hough. Helio Castroneves continues to be the cutest most adorable person ever! He got a standing O before he danced a step. They dance a Foxtrot, which is my favorite dance for Chelsie to choreograph (her and Romeo's "New York New York" rocks always!), so I was all kinds of hearts and flowers for them last week!

heliochelsie

Watch this team for HIS SMILE, which is only out-cuted by HIS BABY GIRL.

AWKWARD MOMENTS WITH PAMELA ANDERSON:

Pamela Anderson of teenage boy reading material fame dances with a tat-heavy Tristan McManus of Little Red's pretend boyfriend two seasons ago fame. She's a wreck, the band's a wreck (GUYS, it is too soon to butcher Amy Winehouse), she falls to pieces, and most of all, it's awkward. Awkward:

Bruno: "You look like a girl that could go all the way."
Tristan: *alludes to porn under pre-teen bed*
Brooke: gets a bonus whenever she can make someone cry on TV, because you KNOW they will put that shit in the dramatic montage leading up to tonight's results / next week's episode.

Pamela and Tristan were eliminated Week 1, and I'm kind of okay with this.

TONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY:

Tony is reunited with his finalist partner Melissa Rycroft! I thought I didn't like her but I mistook her for someone else. She's actually beautiful and so sweet and a great dancer and they did a Foxtrot to "Big Spender" and I LOVED IT SO MUCH that I started yelling at the TV when the judges were making shit up. Ugh, they're such scab refs sometimes.

melissatony

Watch this team to get all wrapped up in the hope that Tony might FINALLY WIN! and then be crushed when something goes horribly and inexplicably wrong.

APOLO ANTON ONO AND KARINA FUCKING SMIRNOFF:

Apparently, when Apolo was assigned Karina as his replacement Julianne, his response was "Isn't she crazy?" The producers replied: "Yes." Accurate, and that's why I love her. First week out, Karina took one look at Kym's spangled jumpsuit and busted out the DAY-GLO NEON FRINGE.

apolokarina

Watch this team because Karina is fierce and Apolo has a sweet, sweet ass.

THE NEW HOTNESS:

Is Gilles Marini and Peta "Heavens to" Murgatroyd! No joke. Love Peta with shorter hair, love their mutual hotness-crush (he's married, I checked, because I would have been all over this, and Peta dumped Pam's former DWTS partner Damien for current DWTS dance pro Maks. I would draw you a diagram but Apple got rid of MacPaint like twelve years ago. Look, can I just pretend they're available for showmance?). They danced a Foxtrot that's just to die for and beautiful and perfect! I started yelling "FOR THE WIN!" And Gilles... everyone wants Gilles to win. <3 By "everyone" I mean "the audience" because "he was ROBBED."

gillespeta

Watch this team because they're not going to have sex and THIS IS THE CLOSEST WE WILL GET.

WHY BRISTOL WHYYYY:

Why is Bristol Palin doing this to herself again? She was so miserable the back half of Season 11! I mean, I know they're offering her a lot of money and relevance and stuff... look, fingers crossed she's spontaneously AWESOME. She's with human cartoon character Mark Ballas again. I keep waiting for disaster to strike, but it doesn't! She still lacks explosive potential, but since we all know we're not getting rid of her, I hope she brings the awesome! She's genuinely adorable. Plus... Mark in this team photo is forecasting the kind of crack choreography he's going to bring out this season.

bristolmark

Watch this team because of most-improved overcoming-shyness blah-blah-Palincakes.

FROM RUSSIA WITH PLEASE DON'T MAKE ANNA CRY:

Anna Trebunskaya, famous for being a red-haired Soviet badass, and Drew Lachey, famous for 98 degrees and being related to Jessica Simpson's ex-husband and letting Cheryl ride his cowboy in their freestyle, gosh, reunite for a Season 2 Smackdown! See, Drew and Cheryl beat out Anna and Jerry Rice in Season 2. I so hope they bust out the great clip of Anna threatening Maks in some rehearsal and Drew being terrified of her. He's still terrified of her and pledges to do whatever she says. In the results show, Tom is like "I'm married to a redhead, and GOOD PLAN, DUDE." Also in the results show, Anna is painfully freaked out that they're going to be eliminated, they end up in the bottom two, and she's in tears when they get to stay while Drew's like, seriously, it's OK, be cool sis. I feel a lot of sympathy for the dancers who have never won, especially when they're paired with a "proven" champion.

drewanna

Watch this couple because IF YOU DON'T, YOU'RE MAKING ANNA CRY.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS VAL CHMEIRKOVSKY SHOWMANCE THING HAPPEN:

This season, it's with Kelly Monaco, first season champion. I'm really pretty eye-rolly about her in general, and the way they're awkwardly trying to suggest that she and Val are shacking up isn't helping. I think that's enough about them.

kellyval

Watch this couple because their team photo should be on the cover of a romance novel!

TEAM SEASON 12 REPRESENT!

Kirstie, Kirstie's twitter hands, and Maks are back in spray-tans! I still love them. They are awesome together, and I think I will like them a gazillion times if the week 1 trend of "not talking about Kirstie's age or weight" continues! But what else will they talk about!? Kirstie's solution: make out with Tom Bergeron on-stage to congratulate him on winning an Emmy. They officially have the BEST team photo:

kirstiemaks

Watch this couple because you really want to hear about her age some more and because you NEVER KNOW who she'll smooch next.

CHERYL BURKE: THE COMEBACK:

The O.G. Twinkletoes and Two-Time Champ are back! And by that I mean Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke, who pwned the dance floor and then hasn't won since Season 3. They have the brother/sisteriest of any brother/sister partnerships on this show, and they just KIIIIIILLED the Cha-Cha in week 1! The show's positioning them as favorites and I suspect it will be well-deserved!

emmittcheryl

Watch this team because... look, did I not just say "Cheryl Burke: The Comeback"!?

IN CONCLUSION:

If you are ever going to enjoy DWTS, this is the year! If you love glitter but can't stand watching people suck, THIS IS YOUR SEASON!

And vote for Anna, because seriously, whenever a redhead cries God gives a kitten a really sad look.
 
 
 
Jainabrightcupenny on October 2nd, 2012 05:46 am (UTC)
CHELSIE!!!!! But she deserves to be awesome on her own and not just be a Julianne clone.

Melissa Rycroft better be a good dancer cause she was a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader for awhile. (DCC: Making the Team is my personal favorite crazyfest reality show, so I feel stupidly smug that I knew who she was long before Bachelor/ette/DWTS/etc.)
Little Red: dwts - logo sparkliesmylittleredgirl on October 2nd, 2012 06:01 am (UTC)
I LOVED THAT SHOWWWW! They used to play marathons of it at my gym long ago and it was the greatest thing ever to work out to. I didn't know she was on it, but that might be why she looked so familiar!

It's kind of nuts how people can be career reality stars like that. America! (I'm not going to lie, I LOVE IT.)
Jainabrightcupenny on October 2nd, 2012 06:09 am (UTC)
New season of DCC is airing right now! Fridays at 9 on CMT!!! And right after it is a show called Cheer that follows an all-star cheer gym!
Little Redmylittleredgirl on October 2nd, 2012 03:35 pm (UTC)
OMG!!! I have never before wished harder that I still had cable!

I love cheerleader shows. I also loved the heck out of "I Want to Look Like a High School Cheerleader Again!" I didn't blog about it much, though, because the title is so frickin long.

Also: CHELSIE. I suspect we'll see her Chelsie it up a bit more as the season progresses and they all start to go off-script. :)
Abusus non tollit usumlavidaessueno on October 2nd, 2012 08:24 am (UTC)
Emmit Smith's thighs are as big around as my waist.

For serious.
Little Red: dwts - logo sparkliesmylittleredgirl on October 2nd, 2012 04:01 pm (UTC)
I KNOW. I won't be worrying about Cheryl's safety when they do lifts.
Rose Wilde-Irishrosewildeirish on October 2nd, 2012 11:33 am (UTC)
:) I...would almost watch DWTS for you. ALMOST. This is how much you make me want to watch it. :D

However, I'm convinced the actual show cannot possibly live up to your commentary. Nothing is that awesome.
Little Red: dwts - logo sparkliesmylittleredgirl on October 2nd, 2012 03:35 pm (UTC)
I should just train a webcam on me, and it could be Watch Little Red Watch Dancing With the Stars.
Icepixie: [Art] The Singing Butlericepixie on October 2nd, 2012 11:57 am (UTC)
This produced two thoughts:

1. Wow, I can't actually tell who's the "star" in about half of these pairings.

2. OMG, one of the guys from *NSYNC has gray hair. I have to lie down now.

(Not that I ever cared about the band, but I just remember them as having NOT GRAY HAIR in high school, which was surely not that long ago. Maybe that patch just looks gray because of lighting?)
Little Red: dwts - logo sparkliesmylittleredgirl on October 2nd, 2012 03:44 pm (UTC)
1. Ha! Yes... that's actually what it feels like watching the show, too. Especially in this case, because a lot of these people are famous to a broad audience specifically because of Dancing With the Stars, so they're trading on that this season more than their career fan base. I would love to see the voting breakdown this season even more than in previous seasons.

2. I KNOW. I KNOW. It's probably lighting. But... I KNOW. I think Joey was the oldest of them, if that helps? I don't know for sure, but I crushed on him in high school because he was the only one who looked like a MAN. (And I was just waaaaay too mature at 15 to be interested in boys, come on.)

Edited at 2012-10-02 04:00 pm (UTC)
Michelle K.jemster on October 2nd, 2012 01:11 pm (UTC)
And who did you confuse Melissa Rycroft with? Also, when they said Ms. Murgatroyd's name I had to do a double-take. Is that her actual name or her stage name. I think it's her real name because who would ever pick that as a last name?
Little Red: dwts - logo sparkliesmylittleredgirl on October 2nd, 2012 03:39 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure all the dancers use their real names. When this show started, I doubt any of them thought it would turn them into celebrities, and they're trading on the cred they earned as competitive ballroom dancers.

But... yeah, I giggle every time I hear Peta's full name. :)

I totally confused Melissa Rycroft with Kelly Monaco in the run-up to this season. Once I saw her I was like "OMG!" There's nothing wrong with Kelly, particularly, and she's awesome on General Hospital from what I'm told, but she's pouty, and that bugs.
(Deleted comment)
Little Red: aw - cj/d *hugz* - natushkamylittleredgirl on October 2nd, 2012 10:38 pm (UTC)
*besos*!