I feel incredibly overwhelmed by all the things he told me to do. I need to record *everything* I do every day, change what I cook and eat (and then record it! all the time!), and that's only the beginning. Pages and pages of forms to fill out every day.
I asked whether there was a more *limited* version I could do, and felt like a TOTAL TOOL because he 1) couldn't believe that just writing things down could exhaust me (that would be why I CAME TO SEE YOU) and it does indeed sound stupid when put it that way, and 2) told me that I'm going to need to "cooperate" if I want to be healthy. There are some good points in that, and I will take them.
A lot of what he said was contradictory to what the allopathic doctors, nutritionists, *other* alternative medicine specialists and my own intuition has been telling me. There was something of a language barrier and I had a hard time knowing when he really understood what I was saying and whether or not I was understanding him correctly. I think the hardest part will be organizing all of these different directions I'm being pushed in.
Of course, it IS my first priority -- really my *only* priority right now. It feels like too much so I'll break myself into it slowly, and I'll get my mother to help me make sense of it all.
The last time we tried ayurvedic medicine I was 9 and PANICKED when the doctor informed me that they would be taking me off my asthma medication because I felt young and powerless and totally sure that I would be irresponsibly and permanently removed from medication and would die before anyone noticed that I was dying. (Which, for the record, is one of my longterm phobias -- I had too many irresponsible yet highly qualified specialists at a young age.) The doctor said the same thing to me today, but I'm grown up and understand that *I* am in control here, and I understand that this isn't going to be done randomly or without MY consent. So I'm excited, and hopeful, but overwhelmed.
I don't yet know how this will affect my plans to complete coursework or writing or anything else that's going on in my life. For now I'm relieving myself of all obligations except my health (which, I guess, I've already done... but now I'm reiterating it on the internet). Everything is extra credit. I'll see.
In other news, I have been horribly bitchy the past few days. I suspect this is changing-of-the-seasons-asthmatic-death related. I've done my best to bite my tongue and get out of that part of my head, but if I failed and have bitched at *you*, apologies now and atonement forthcoming.
-- Little Red