Little Red (mylittleredgirl) wrote,
Little Red

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Stargate for Trekkies

Yeah, so I wasn't sure whether or not to share this little bit of randomness I wrote while waiting for a casserole to bake... since it's totally written in the style of those annoying "FW: FW: fwd: FUNNY!!!" lists and is potentially even less funny than that. But, eh, we're all geeks here :)

In that Stargate meme that half of my friends list is doing today, one of the questions is "What planet do you want SG-1 to visit?"

So, for your disowning-of-Little-Red pleasure, instead of actually *doing* the meme, I bring you:

Stargate for Trekkies.

If SG-1 visits Bajor...

1. SG-1 will attempt to convince everybody that the Prophets are false Gods attempting to enslave them through their faith. The Bajorans will not be amused.

2. Similarly, Jack, Sam, and Teal'c will not take kindly to having their ears pinched by vedeks. Daniel will find it fascinating and be very pleased to learn that his pagh is strong.

Jack: "What does that even mean?"
Daniel: "Well... I don't know, but it has to be good, doesn't it?"

3. The Orb of Whatever will give Teal'c cause to meditate deeply on the true path of the Jaffa, give Sam cause to freak the heck out about her life, and give Jack cause to bodily drag Daniel away from spending the rest of his life unearthing B'hala or studying relics in a Bajoran vowed order.

4. The Prophets will decide not to make Jack their emissary.

If SG-1 visits Vulcan...

1. Sam will be put out that the entire planet is smarter than she is. They will not pick up on this, as it is an illogical human emotion, and continue to remind her of it at every possible opportunity.

2. Teal'c will stock up on candles, learn new ways of raising his eyebrow, and really enjoy the lack of small talk.

3. Daniel will fangirl Surak.

4. Jack will wait in the car.

If SG-1 visits Betazed...

1. Lwaxana Troi will fall madly in love with Teal'c. Teal'c will panic stoically.

2. Although unnerved at the tactical disadvantage telepaths place them in, Jack will be unable to help trying to shock passersby by reciting the lewdest variations of 'There once was a man from Nantucket' in his head.

3. Perfect strangers will helpfully comment, aloud, on how awfully repressed Sam and Jack are in their feelings for each other and encourage them to do something about it.

4. SG-1 will leave. Quickly.

If SG-1 visits Qu'onos...

1. Daniel will get shoved around a lot, both before and after his one cup of blood wine.

2. By a 3-1 vote, SG-1 will approve of the style of dress for female Klingon warriors.

3. They will all learn to fight with bat'leths and mek'leths. The viewers at home will die from hotness.

4. Jack will dishonor at least 8 people by mispronouncing their family name, resulting in new recurring enemies.

If SG-1 visits Ocampa...

1. They will take one look at the rock-headed Kazon villains with posturing egos on the surface of the planet and feel right at home.

2. They will kill the Caretaker for being A False God.

3. Sam and Janet will concoct a way to artifically extend the Ocampan lifespan to a human norm rather than the usual 9 years, completely destroying the Ocampa society. SG-1 will declare the mission a success.

4. They will totally not be fazed (good god, I wrote "phased") by being on the other side of the galaxy, one little Stargate trip away from home.

If SG-1 visits Ferenginar...

1. GREAT fuss will be made about Jack allowing "his female" to walk around clothed. Sam will be forced to box a lot of people about the ears. She will apologize, but she will not mean it.

2. Daniel will turn new shades of red when trying to explain to Janet that Oo-mox is not a necessary preventative Ferengi medical practice.

3. They will all lose a lot of money. And their shoes.

4. Sam will join forces with the Quark's Mom of the era and topple the male domination of Ferengi society in a single day.

If SG-1 visits Risa...

1. They will each, respectively, make "woo-hoo" noises / appreciative eyebrow raises / comments about the cultural relevance of the native apparell / avoid eye contact with everything when they see the locals' state of dress... and then keep all of their own clothes on.

2. Teal'c will acquire a Hor'gahn and not be seen again for the rest of the mission.

3. Daniel will be unable to come up with a proper translation of jamaharon and ask a native Risiian for help deciphering it. He will not be seen again for the rest of the mission.

4. When a hot half-naked Risiian tells Sam that "All that is ours is yours," she will make copies of the plans for Risa's weather control grid.

5. Sam will overhear Jack receiving just one too many similar offers for her sanity. Jack will learn there are no frat regs in Starfleet and consider this. In order to not be the only two people on the ENTIRE PLANET not getting any, Jack and Sam will have hot sex, the end.

6. Papa General Hammond will have to personally come to Risa to drag SG-1 away.


It hurts me. Add, revise, mock at will so that I am not solely responsible.

-- Little Red, whose geekiness is terminal and inoperable

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