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16 September 2004 @ 11:12 pm
Stargate for Trekkies  
Yeah, so I wasn't sure whether or not to share this little bit of randomness I wrote while waiting for a casserole to bake... since it's totally written in the style of those annoying "FW: FW: fwd: FUNNY!!!" lists and is potentially even less funny than that. But, eh, we're all geeks here :)

In that Stargate meme that half of my friends list is doing today, one of the questions is "What planet do you want SG-1 to visit?"

So, for your disowning-of-Little-Red pleasure, instead of actually *doing* the meme, I bring you:

Stargate for Trekkies.

If SG-1 visits Bajor...

1. SG-1 will attempt to convince everybody that the Prophets are false Gods attempting to enslave them through their faith. The Bajorans will not be amused.

2. Similarly, Jack, Sam, and Teal'c will not take kindly to having their ears pinched by vedeks. Daniel will find it fascinating and be very pleased to learn that his pagh is strong.

Jack: "What does that even mean?"
Daniel: "Well... I don't know, but it has to be good, doesn't it?"

3. The Orb of Whatever will give Teal'c cause to meditate deeply on the true path of the Jaffa, give Sam cause to freak the heck out about her life, and give Jack cause to bodily drag Daniel away from spending the rest of his life unearthing B'hala or studying relics in a Bajoran vowed order.

4. The Prophets will decide not to make Jack their emissary.


If SG-1 visits Vulcan...

1. Sam will be put out that the entire planet is smarter than she is. They will not pick up on this, as it is an illogical human emotion, and continue to remind her of it at every possible opportunity.

2. Teal'c will stock up on candles, learn new ways of raising his eyebrow, and really enjoy the lack of small talk.

3. Daniel will fangirl Surak.

4. Jack will wait in the car.


If SG-1 visits Betazed...

1. Lwaxana Troi will fall madly in love with Teal'c. Teal'c will panic stoically.

2. Although unnerved at the tactical disadvantage telepaths place them in, Jack will be unable to help trying to shock passersby by reciting the lewdest variations of 'There once was a man from Nantucket' in his head.

3. Perfect strangers will helpfully comment, aloud, on how awfully repressed Sam and Jack are in their feelings for each other and encourage them to do something about it.

4. SG-1 will leave. Quickly.


If SG-1 visits Qu'onos...

1. Daniel will get shoved around a lot, both before and after his one cup of blood wine.

2. By a 3-1 vote, SG-1 will approve of the style of dress for female Klingon warriors.

3. They will all learn to fight with bat'leths and mek'leths. The viewers at home will die from hotness.

4. Jack will dishonor at least 8 people by mispronouncing their family name, resulting in new recurring enemies.


If SG-1 visits Ocampa...

1. They will take one look at the rock-headed Kazon villains with posturing egos on the surface of the planet and feel right at home.

2. They will kill the Caretaker for being A False God.

3. Sam and Janet will concoct a way to artifically extend the Ocampan lifespan to a human norm rather than the usual 9 years, completely destroying the Ocampa society. SG-1 will declare the mission a success.

4. They will totally not be fazed (good god, I wrote "phased") by being on the other side of the galaxy, one little Stargate trip away from home.


If SG-1 visits Ferenginar...

1. GREAT fuss will be made about Jack allowing "his female" to walk around clothed. Sam will be forced to box a lot of people about the ears. She will apologize, but she will not mean it.

2. Daniel will turn new shades of red when trying to explain to Janet that Oo-mox is not a necessary preventative Ferengi medical practice.

3. They will all lose a lot of money. And their shoes.

4. Sam will join forces with the Quark's Mom of the era and topple the male domination of Ferengi society in a single day.


If SG-1 visits Risa...

1. They will each, respectively, make "woo-hoo" noises / appreciative eyebrow raises / comments about the cultural relevance of the native apparell / avoid eye contact with everything when they see the locals' state of dress... and then keep all of their own clothes on.

2. Teal'c will acquire a Hor'gahn and not be seen again for the rest of the mission.

3. Daniel will be unable to come up with a proper translation of jamaharon and ask a native Risiian for help deciphering it. He will not be seen again for the rest of the mission.

4. When a hot half-naked Risiian tells Sam that "All that is ours is yours," she will make copies of the plans for Risa's weather control grid.

5. Sam will overhear Jack receiving just one too many similar offers for her sanity. Jack will learn there are no frat regs in Starfleet and consider this. In order to not be the only two people on the ENTIRE PLANET not getting any, Jack and Sam will have hot sex, the end.

6. Papa General Hammond will have to personally come to Risa to drag SG-1 away.

---

It hurts me. Add, revise, mock at will so that I am not solely responsible.

-- Little Red, whose geekiness is terminal and inoperable
 
 
feel: dorkyohmygod the geeky
 
 
 
teh nos'nostalgia_lj on September 17th, 2004 03:39 am (UTC)

4. The Prophets will decide not to make Jack their emissary.



WHY NOT?!
Little Red: accident - nostalgiamylittleredgirl on September 17th, 2004 03:45 am (UTC)
Prophet!Janet: "Curling... what is this?"
Jack: "It's... look, what do you care?"
Prophet!Carter: "He is aggressive."
Jack: "CARTER?"
Prophet!PapaGeneralHammond: "Adversarial."
Jack: "What the hell kind of drugs did you guys GIVE me?"
Prophet!Janet: "We do not understand."
Jack: "Well, try to understand that I will SERIOUSLY start kicking ass in about five seconds if you don't tell me what happened to the rest of my team!"
Prophet!Carter: "Seconds... what is this?"

Huh. As I typed 'what is this' I had the thought that mayhaps Teyla is part Prophet.
(no subject) - nostalgia_lj on September 17th, 2004 03:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
you're thinking of mr wizard: robot devil get your coatcleverocity on September 17th, 2004 03:52 am (UTC)
We are the Goa'uld. You will be assimilated. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own.

Resistance is futile.
Little Red: accident - nostalgiamylittleredgirl on September 17th, 2004 03:55 am (UTC)
Right now I'm trying to picture a Borg drone with a really ridiculous gilded hat.
HA!! - mitai on September 17th, 2004 04:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: HA!! - mylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
entertaining in a disturbing way: aliensexfiend Joollyssie on September 17th, 2004 03:57 am (UTC)
*laughs*

I love this list. *snickers madly*
Little Red: accident - nostalgiamylittleredgirl on September 17th, 2004 04:08 am (UTC)
*grins madly* It's entertaining to think about. And EVERYBODY has transporters. And replicators, but the good kind. Sam will *drool.*

The real geek question -- replicators vs. borg?
(no subject) - lyssie on September 17th, 2004 04:18 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
Julie, betrayer of the literary tradition: heehee - jojosplash_the_cat on September 17th, 2004 04:00 am (UTC)
*dies* That was HI-larious. *sticks in memories*
Little Red: fluffier than thou - lyssiemylittleredgirl on September 17th, 2004 04:06 am (UTC)
You can put other people's posts in memories?

Actually, I have absolutely *no* idea what you can do and can't with memories, so that doesn't really surprise me.

YAY! Glad you were amused :) I feel less alone in my geeky shame now ;)
(no subject) - splash_the_cat on September 17th, 2004 12:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
stexgirl2000stexgirl2000 on September 17th, 2004 04:01 am (UTC)
I want the Risa story. Teal'c and Daniel getting laid, over, and over, and over again...

That just makes me happy.
Little Red: alcohol porn - nostalgiamylittleredgirl on September 17th, 2004 04:10 am (UTC)
That really would be awesome. Teal'c would return to Earth BEAMING and Daniel would return to Earth and sleep for a month.

If Sam and Jack don't get it on and spend the mission holed up in their rooms to avoid being accosted by random Risiians interested in sharing all that is theirs, which we must admit is far more likely, those two will be bitter as HECK when they get back to Earth.
(no subject) - lyssie on September 17th, 2004 04:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
entertaining in a disturbing way: Jack never listen to Daniellyssie on September 17th, 2004 04:26 am (UTC)
ps. You are teh evil, yo. For you make the inner crossover queen get that "I could DO things with that" gleam...

Little Red: janeway heaven & earth - kabutarmylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:49 am (UTC)
Yeah, I've been having serious DS9/SG-1 crossover dreams since I first saw SG-1 and my roommate was all explaining how SG wormholes are different than DS9 wormholes.

It's the cross we bear or something.
(Deleted comment)
Little Red: accident - nostalgiamylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:51 am (UTC)
It's like... geekiness squared.

*clings to fellow geeks* I AM NOT ALOOOOONE!
elly: Garden State - Dream?elly427 on September 17th, 2004 07:16 am (UTC)
*shakes head sadly* Oh, I wish I understood this list. I'm sure it's very funny. *pats your head condescendingly.*

*snerk*
Little Red: fluffier than thou - lyssiemylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:54 am (UTC)
Yes. Well. Your life would be much better if you got over your dislike of Star Trek, you know :-P

Your life would also be better if you SENT ME YOUR ADDRESS, if only because then I will STOP BUGGING YOU. I won't even make you watch the episodes. I just want these tapes off my desk, yo. What if I promised to write you pants!verse? I will write you fic FOR THE PRIVILEGE of sending you tapes!! mylittleredgirl [at] gmail [dot] com.
callistacallista1159 on September 17th, 2004 09:36 am (UTC)
hehehehe!

you evil, girl...

love this little compilation; d'ya think we might see it someday, in the manner of AvsP? *evilness*

I vote RISA!

:P
Little Red: accident - nostalgiamylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:55 am (UTC)
RISA IS THE BEST!

Why aren't there any pleasure planets in the SG universe? Wouldn't there have been at least one hedonistic Goa'uld out there who just said "I will make this planet, and populate it with pretty people who will breed pretty offspring, and hand down laws that require minimal clothing and much alcohol and sex at all opportunities."

Huh. Maybe that's where Freya's from.
Lisa Yaegerlisayaeger on September 17th, 2004 10:44 am (UTC)
4. Jack will wait in the car.

LOL! That's *so* true!!

And this: 5. Sam will overhear Jack receiving just one too many similar offers for her sanity. Jack will learn there are no frat regs in Starfleet and consider this. In order to not be the only two people on the ENTIRE PLANET not getting any, Jack and Sam will have hot sex, the end.

*sigh*

How I wish!!!!
Little Red: monastery - ellymylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 03:59 am (UTC)
LOL! That's *so* true!!

He'd tell a few jokes, have them fall awfully flat... try to pull a Bones and annoy a smirk out of a Vulcan... and then totally give up.

How I wish!!!!

... I was really going to put your name in there, because I definitely wrote that one just for you!
(no subject) - lisayaeger on September 19th, 2004 12:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Kat: inkynightvixen: Playkataclysmic on September 17th, 2004 11:22 am (UTC)
Heeeeeee, that is so cute.

What would SG-1 do if they encountered the borg?
Little Red: part of the job - amandamylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 04:00 am (UTC)
I can only imagine they would find a way to save that particular day but make the situation much, much worse in the long run.

Or sic the replicators on them and then run away fast!

Oooooh... who would be the one to get assimilated (or almost-assimilated), though?
(no subject) - kataclysmic on September 19th, 2004 08:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
Nenya Kanadkanenya_kanadka on September 17th, 2004 11:47 am (UTC)
I love you. :)

You have excellent observational skills.

May I share this around with my other SG-1 Trekkie friend(s)?
Little Red: part of the job - amandamylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 04:00 am (UTC)
Please! And hee. Thanks. *geek*
(no subject) - nenya_kanadka on September 19th, 2004 09:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Jara Dax: Lusty Heathen: smile_stars_like_dustwoodface on September 17th, 2004 01:01 pm (UTC)
That was great!
Little Red: monastery - ellymylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 04:04 am (UTC)
*grins* Thank you!
Narenrpgmaniac666 on September 17th, 2004 01:36 pm (UTC)
That was awsome! Even though I've only seen a bit of Stargate I could still follow everything you said, and of course, everything Trek made sense. You know, my senior prediction said something about doing TV for HBO or something... I'll have to call you up so you can write the script for this opus of yours.... hehe....

I'm trying to think who else might appreciate this, but I don't know if I know anyone else who watches both shows... I'll have to see, but as nenya_kanadka said, may I share this around with them if I find them because this is just way too funny....
Little Red: ethermylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 04:06 am (UTC)
HAHAHA. I will be remembered As The Girl Who Wrote That Geek Crossover List Thing.

Please share it around :) It's been great hearing that you're doing so well at college, by the way -- your lj entries make me so nostalgic! I'm bummed we didn't get ourselves together to have that Invader Zim/Trek night this summer... maybe Christmas?
(no subject) - rpgmaniac666 on September 19th, 2004 05:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
One Whose Honesty is Stronger Than Her Fear: firstfanamilyn on September 17th, 2004 03:23 pm (UTC)
This is excellent. I'm so recc'ing it!
Jaya Mitaimitai on September 17th, 2004 04:52 pm (UTC)
She did rec it. And it was great!
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 04:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - tv_elf on September 18th, 2004 12:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 04:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lyssie on September 19th, 2004 04:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
*geeks* - mylittleredgirl on September 19th, 2004 04:07 am (UTC) (Expand)