Until tonight I had gotten through all of this social chair stuff (last semester included) and mono stuff (last semester not included) tear-free.
It's going to be fine, and I'm not going to die, and I know that when I'm being rational, when I haven't been awake for *GASP* twelve straight hours (with only one or two two-minute naps in odd places). I just have trouble dealing with even minor adversity when I feel as though my ass has been kicked on several interdimensional planes, including this one.
I was under the impression that the goal of prescription medication was to make one feel better. Since I have gone on antibiotics, my sinus headaches, throat infection, etc. have gotten *worse,* to the point where tylenol (the only thing I can take, and even then, I might be playing with fire with the whole mono-y liver situation) no longer helps. The hell? And my asthma has gotten much worse, too, but that one doesn't count because it might be stress related or a by-product of everything else and it is not a bacterial infection made worse by anti-biotics. If I had a mind left, it would boggle.
I hate feeling like I'm failing everyone, that I work better as an object of pity than as an actual capable human being who can hack shit, that I take more from my friends than I can give back to them. I am so, so good at all this stuff when I am not sick. I am just sick an awful fucking lot.
Seth said today, in all seriousness, that this mono is probably cosmic penance for something, not done in a past life (as I said jokingly), but something done in this one. That is at once totally wrong and upsetting in its implications -- I have a hard time believing that I have been smote down for two years because of a single indiscretion. I'm not upset about that, because it's actually too stupid to contemplate. It just pisses me off that, now that I've finally got the medical proof to say that this ISN'T my fault, that people can still think that it is.
The party will be fine and then I'll have time to rest up and get over myself.
good things: finally saw "Mystery, Alaska" and loved it just as much as I thought I would. Last night's Enterprise stilL ROCKS. HPA. saidshe. pirateelmo. Receiving series of ego-boosting emails from anonymous sources regarding stories of mine.