I've been trying for two weeks to post an entry about how hard and crazy and emotionally messy everything seems right now, stuff about my health, how I somehow want support but don't know in what form or from whom, but it just takes too much effort to write these things out (especially with the fear of people going "wait, THAT's your problem? Shut the hell up."). It's easier to just type lots of exclamation points, smile at people who smile at me, and not get into a conversation I don't know if I'll have the energy to finish, or if I'll hate myself at the end of it.
It's just a difficult few weeks. I'm actually doing better than I was, in some ways, it just feels like I've relapsed because I'm trying to do more with the same amount of energy. I'm tired and drained and frustrated (and so emotionally on edge), and because I'm fighting MORE with keeping my weight up after having the flu, I'm eating more often and so feel sick almost all of the time.
I'm going to go back to the doctor and nutritionist if I can to hopefully have them help me sort out some of the medical treatment stuff I've been reading, because it's not good when I read books and think "If I do that diet, I WILL DIE." Because those of you who know me know me, it's not like I've got a closed mind when it comes to alternative medicine and less than conventional diets and am just freaking out because someone wants to take my cheez-its away. I've already cut out sugar, dairy, all processed foods, alcohol, coffee, yeast, and flour, much of that for over a year, and I haven't died. But to take away FRUIT -- which is the ONLY thing I can reliably eat without making me feel sick and my fallback on bad days -- *and* to cut out most carbs... It is ALL I CAN DO not to stay only 10 pounds underweight NOW, and that just seems like bad bad news. But I don't know, and so I will ask the professionals and hope they don't laugh at me for not being able to figure it all out myself.
Basically I just feel like every minute of every day I'm disappointing everyone, mostly myself -- that in trying to do a little bit more I realize all the things that I can't do. And they're not kidding when they call these immune disorders "invisible illnesses", because it is often invisible even to me. It surprises me all the time how much I suck -- I really think that if I hit on the right thing, if I go to sleep on time or take more vitamins or meditate, if I am just a better person I will be able to SNAP OUT OF IT. It's not like my legs are broken. I should be able to do all these things and more without feeling like I'm about to break in half under the weight. (God, just the progress here is so slow and I am so tired of being dependent and feeling like I don't recognize this body and brain I'm in now; I MISS MYSELF.)
The joy sadhana has gone completely out the window here. I need to get it back, especially the accomplishments thing, because panic attacks and self-imposed guilt trips are the exact OPPOSITE of helpful. Go back to the mantra I had before, and really really try to believe it -- something is better than nothing. something is better than nothing. every little thing is better than nothing.
At besyd's encouragement I checked some support-group stuff out on the web... I don't feel like I have the energy to add *another* thing into my day, but I read this amazing metaphor thing -- a way to explain how it feels to live with this sort of thing to someone who doesn't have it. I've been going around saying "It feels like you're just getting sick ALL THE TIME", but that's not quite true. This was written about Lupus, but it smacked so totally true that I just stared. It's NOT JUST ME. I'm not making this up. It's not like I'm just Afraid Of The World. Anyway, it's short and, like I said, blew my MIND, so I post the link here: The Spoon Theory.
So, I'm trying to clear my plate of most of my obligations. I doubt anyone will notice a difference, because I cling to the escapism of the interweb, but I just wanted to state that I'm regrouping a bit and you shouldn't count on me for things. So yes, selfishness. :) *hoards attention and energy for self* (So... to clarify -- I'm not disappearing from the internet or anything, I'm just removing the obligation of keeping up with my friendslist and email and being available for chat and stuff, and letting you know that. I know, sounds a bit beaurocratic and nitpicky, but it's all in the details.)
That said, I also really really want to thank everyone on my flist for being so awesome and supportive, for writing me cute squeeeful ficlets and having commentspam and sending love (and ICONS! *clings to liminalliz*)and giving me a SOCIAL CIRCLE and making me feel worthy in ficwriting regards and being awesome. :)
And, to start the gleee rolling after that:
1. left house! with outsideness! and DRIVING!
2. walked from far parking lot to Kripalu.
3. Tae Kwon Do practice with the old black belt club. (exercise! and *memory* for those old forms! and social hour!)
4. yoga this morning
5. ate breakfast and a *good* lunch though felt sick
6. took vitamins and herbs
7. wrote this LJ entry
In more flippant news, people are, like, building bomb shelters as though pestilence and war and such will actually RAIN FROM THE SKIES when Stargate airs tonight in the UK. This entertains and frightens me in equal measure.
That said, spoil me for things and there will be wrath. WRATH.
Well, unless pestilence actually *does* rain from the sky, in which case, I'd like to be informed.