Today has been that vicious cycle where I feel too tired and mono-y to be productive, so I procrastinate lamely and nonproductively in the hope that I'll snap out of it, then the stuff that doesn't get done builds up and gets stressful, and stress leads to MORE sickness and lack of ability to do anything. I'm terrified of facing an 8 hour day tomorrow and then a 7 hour day the day after when feeling like this, and the fear is so counterproductive -- because I'm not really afraid of anything tangible, just what COULD happen. Ugh. Must find break in the cycle.
I don't know if 10 is really too late to go to bed -- but have been cheating and staying up until after that, and I need to break the addiction. So now, bedtime is at 9 (which means I'll have to start *thinking* about it at 8:30, and should probably set an alarm), and here's hoping I don't have to go cold turkey to get my act together with this. Once I manage to do that, I can think about adding on a few more minutes.
I'm so tired of this. I need to tell my dad I didn't finish the project I was working on for him, but he's seen me sitting at the computer most of the day (and how do I explain "oh, I was mostly just staring at blank pages because stringing actual thoughts together was too much"?), and so... yes. Once again I'm scared of things that don't actually exist in the real world yet, and are just anxious possibilities. It just takes energy to take responsibility. And I'm spending most of my energy beating myself up for stupid things (not even *this*, which isn't exactly stupid, but things like speaking-out-of-turn and posting-imperfect-fanfic and other inanities that I would really never criticize anyone ELSE for), which is the exact opposite of productive. OH! I just found out my dad's going away to Toronto for the weekend, and, as such, won't have time to care anyway. Yay for stays of execution.
And while I'm whining: I hate like hell that I am weeks behind on TV shows, because it is too much fucking mental work for me to rewind a tape and sit there and take in new information. This is fun! I love this! WHAT is going on and why do I feel like it's going to burn me out? *wills time to slow down*
And this can't be entertaining for anyone else to read, especially since I'm too zonked for coherence or editing, so, I'm sorry about that. I just needed to babble this somewhere so I could put it in perspective. I promise I will get over myself soon :)
1. rosewildeirish's fun "anti-OTP" challenge! And her totally impressive Shep/Teyla fic.
2. And more challenge!fic -- wisdomeagle writes such a very kickass Sheppard/Weir fic.
Weir is scared, and that frightens him, because she's supposed to be steady. He should be able to push and push and find a solid wall of Weir pushing back with reason and science and controlled fear, but now if he pushed, she'd crumple, and he'd have to catch her.
3. Tae Kwon Do mini-class with Bill, including our invented names for moves. "Funky stance with arm-wave-y thing!" 'Funky stance' is so official terminology now.
4. The internet is so very, very nice when I am feeling lame and sick, for people entertain me and that is gleeeeee.
5. Made an amusing connection between the music in a Sheppard/Weir vid and the bubble-bee game at Orisinal. My connection was actually wrong, upon further review, but was still funny.
3 things I did well:
1. Went to and stayed through TKD practice even though felt sick.
2. Made myself eat dinner so could take vitamins.
3. Declared that I'm going to bed at 9 now. RAAARGH.