Little Red (mylittleredgirl) wrote,
Little Red

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Wanted to go to Tae Kwon Do today and go to movie with Kaya, but am feeling all kinds of illmonodeath and so lack the energy to brush snow off my car.

So will stay home and buck up and hope that I feel MUCH less dead tomorrow, when I have to work a whole day on the early early coffee shift.

It's bugging the crap out of me that it seems like I am no better, if not worse off, than I was last November when I made a GIANT FREAKING ROAD TRIP! What the hell gives? I came back from that psyched to start working full-time and moving to a new place and now I am THIS. AGAIN. SOME MORE.

Today's a bad day for my dad to give me hell subtle hints about how I have stopped looking for more work and am failing lots at doing work for his company. What makes him think, really, that me signing on full-time with a temp agency or other position is a rational move when I can't even finish the two-hour-a-day work he has given me? And it's not like I'm writing fic instead; I haven't had the energy to even WATCH any of my shows for the past three weeks.

I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling like I'm not going to be useful again because the progress is so fucking slow, and I hate being a financial drain on other people, and I hate that I can't just snap out of this because it actually is a physical condition. Gah.

I've hurt all over for the past little while, which is one of the classic signs of my immune system suckily (yet valiantly!) trying to fight something, so I'm sure everything will seem less FUTILE in a week or two. It's just really impossible to make any sort of life plans or get a real job or get better when every third week is a total washout, and even on GOOD days I feel like most people do the first day they're coming down with something -- disoriented, sluggish, mentally drained, lack of energy, operating only on one cylinder -- and on the rare BEST days the fog only clears for an hour or two (though OMG, what a beautiful hour or two. *angels sing*).

I know it's hard for everyone to feel like there are expectations placed upon them that they can't possibly meet. I'm just having a hard time with the expectations I can't meet being so completely and totally RIDICULOUS. Like, it took me four days to get up the energy to take my humidifier into the kitchen and refill it, but it's just *embarrassing* to ask my mother to please do that for me because I can't mentally cope with it. *rolls eyes*

So yes, I want to crawl into a hole and DIE. *smirks at unnecessary DRAMATICNESS*

But I am doing good things. As always when my mono CFIDS acts up (may as well use ACTUAL acronym now that I have one, since I'm kinda through pretending that this isn't chronic), everything I eat makes me feel ill. This results in me getting all paranoid that everything I eat will make me feel sick, and, voila! an eating disorder is born. (Well, except for the part about "body image issues" I think being essential to something being classed as an eating disorder, and, if anything, I hate the way I'm all skinny and count-my-ribs!-y, because who wants to cuddle up with that?) However, I'm still making myself eat good things despite that so I don't end up like I did last February, so, I'm proud of myself for that. And I'm still making myself get up before 10 a.m. (have given up on "6 a.m." for this week), despite how I feel. And though I'm whining here, I'm working hard to not let my thoughts spin totally out of control into panic attack mode.

So yes. I haven't completely collapsed this time, and that's good. It's just this two-steps-forward three-steps-back dance is starting to GRATE. And the fact that I feel the need to whine about it instead of constanthappygleee grates as well. (however, the fact that more and more people are using gleee!lists as coping mechanisms on their bad days? rocks my little fucking WORLD and makes me feel so very useful on some level, even while still in pajamas). BLAH.

*needs fluff*

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